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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
AtheneNoctua · 01/06/2009 11:19

Under 6 is an odd number to choose. It's like it was chosen specifically to eliminate someone who is 5. Maybe you could ask SIL to postpone her wedding until DD's next birthday so she can be magically transformed into a suitable guest. Seriously, who else is five? 6 just seems a weird number to choose.

I think it is wrong of your DH to go without you. It demonstrates a split between him and the rest of his family. I think it would be better if you and your DH went together and left all the children at home. Besides, then you can explain to people why the kids aren't there in your own words.

I would call SIL and tell her this is very hurtful to you and to your DD. Because, clearly, she not the only one who has been offended here.

GrapefruitMoon · 01/06/2009 11:19

I have to say that personally I wouldn't be able to just say "OK I and all the children will stay at home and dh can go on his own". I would have to say something to SIL! I am normally in favour of leaving my children at home if it is a friend's wedding, but with immediate family I agree she is being mean and thoughtless to just exclude your dd. (Are all her other nieces and nephews invited? What about on the groom's side?)

And I would be furious with my dh if he just caved in like that!

My (very lively) 5 yr old ds2 was at a family wedding recently (as were his siblings) and he behaved absolutely fine. We did arrange for someone to collect him and ds1 later in the evening, so that they would get to bed at a reasonable time.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 01/06/2009 11:27

I find "under 6" to be odd. Why under 6? I mean, I could understand no pre-school, or even no over ones....Are you sure that she is not specifically excluding your DD?

I mean, if you wanted to exclude young children, most people would pick 5 an that age, nice round number and all that. Who chooses 6?

TBM · 01/06/2009 11:32

Wow, how mean! I can never understand some people when it comes to weddings!

My uncle got married at the weekend, he invited his brothers (my dad) and their wives, my other uncles children, but not me, my brother or sister. It was small (in numbers, not location) and mum said they hadn't really catered, just a sandwich and mini pizza each.

Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 11:42

On SILs side of the family only dd and her nephew, her other brothers only child are not invited.

On the grooms side, one family is like ours, I think the eldest girl will be invited but not the 2 younger boys, and the other family have 2 under 3 so neither invited.

I am a bit fed up with dh, but THB if he didn't go there would be such a family row about it, whereas if the children and I are not there I don't think the ILs will care very much.

OP posts:
Toffeepopple · 01/06/2009 11:43

This nearly happened to us. We got an invitation to my cousins wedding inviting my parents, my sister and I - but not my brother.

My grandmother rang and was told "no under sixes on the list because of the venue".

She hung up, thought about it, and rang back and said "if my youngest grandson is not included, at five years and ten months old, then I am sorry but I will not be there either. From your point of view he is jolly well six!".

Anyway, it turned out to be a big misunderstanding. The venue didn't charge for under-sixes so they hadn't listed him on their numbers. Then my cousin's wife's family wrote out the invitations and didn't realise he should be on there.
When my grandmother rang they didn't realise we thought he wasn't invited, etc.

None of which helps you, except to say that until it was all resolved (took around a week) we felt as bemused and upset and confused as you. So I do know where you are coming from.

I think your SIL is being very unkind and that it is a shame your DH or MIL or someone won't stick up to her (don't think it should be you though!)

MrsGokWan · 01/06/2009 11:47

Make sure you are no longer available for any babysitting duties anymore.

Stigaloid · 01/06/2009 11:50

I think she is atrocious to exclude your daughter. When i got married i considered not having children there but then thought there would not be that many kids in the long run, they were all family members (on my DH's side) so included the smallest as flower girls and got entertainment packs for the other kids. The only thing that bothered me about having kids (under 3's) at the ceremony was the noise that they would make at church, which they did and you can't hear our vows on the dvd over the kids bellowing in the background, but at the end of the day I now think that just makes it all the more realistic. Life is noisy and kids are part of it. So sad to exclude family like that. She will learn if ever she has kids.

clam · 01/06/2009 11:54

You say you don't want bad feeling, but it's unavoidable now, isn't it? I mean, she's already caused it.
I don't have a problem with child-free weddings usually, but this is OUTRAGEOUS!!!!! You cannot go, any of you, unless your DD is included. If that causes an international incident then so be it. Her fault, and you can explain calmly and non-bitchily to anyone who asks why.

Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 12:01

I really want to say a sincere thanks to all of you for reassuring me that I'm not a complete freak for considering this to be so mean and nasty.

One of the things I dislike most about my ILs is the fact that they consider me to be such and oddity as I actually enjoy my childrens company, and WANT to spend time with them rather than offload them onto someone else, which they consider normal!

Off out with the dc for a sunny afternoon - you have all really lifted my mood - thank you!

OP posts:
namechangerforareason · 01/06/2009 12:13

Agree with MrsGokWan

Make damned sure you are permanently unavailable for future babysitting for this bint, sorry SIL!

MrsWeasley · 01/06/2009 12:24

Macherie: I too enjoy my DCs company. I feel for those who don't.
You are so much better than ILs. Keep smiling

Have a good afternoon in the sun.

Docbunches · 01/06/2009 12:27

I completely agree with Greensleeves sentiments in her post of 23.24 yesterday.

There is no way on God's earth that I would go to my SIL's, or indeed ANY wedding with only two thirds of my DCs! In fact, I think your DH is being quite generous in attending because I know my DP definitely wouldn't want to go, even for his own sister.

So to the OP, you have no need to have any guilt whatsoever about your decision to decline.

SarahL2 · 01/06/2009 12:44

I think you should have a discussion with DH about what it means if he goes and the rest of you don't! It makes it look like he is condoning your SIL's actions - which are totally out of order!

Ooh, and tell her getting married on a Friday is bad luck too ;)

Blackduck · 01/06/2009 12:54

How about he goes to the wedding, but then comes straight home (or meets you whether you have decided to take the children). He can then say why he is leaving (i.e. his dd wasn't invited), but has attended and not (hopefully) caused a family rift?
It is absolutely appalling behaviour though. I hate weddings too for this very reason, they seem to turn people into complete idiots....

savoycabbage · 01/06/2009 13:03

You should get the local paper to do an article about your dd and her love of weddings and how she has a beautiful dress but no wedding to attend. I bet someone would love to have her. I feel like getting married again so I can get her to be my bridesmaid.

You could say that you can't go to the wedding as unfortunately it clashes with you renewing your vows. At Disneyland

throckenholt · 01/06/2009 13:03

why don't you have a party for those non invited children (and your older two) - on the day of the wedding - and say since none of you can go to the wedding you might as well all have fun together at yours.

What do the other parents of non invited children intend to do ?

whiskersonkittens · 01/06/2009 13:17

Thinking this through I cannot beleive that no-one has spoken to you about this before the invitations came out. When my bro got married my dcs were 3 and 18 mths and his were 6 and 8. I would actually have quite understood if he had asked me and explained that they were a bit young and he wanted me (and our mother) to enjoy the day wihtout having to be constantly watching the dcs. At least he would have explained himslef and I would have been OK to go (altho not enjoyed it much without dh and the dcs)

Even more I would have understood my BIL not wanting children at his wedding as we were the only ones and dd was only 1 yr old but she went and it was fine - I doubt MIL would have enjoyed it quite as much without her only grandchild to 'show off'

I think she is being completely crass and you either

1 gatecrash with all of you - except your dh may not agree / tell them

2 assume it is a 'numbers' thing and your dh takes all 3 children and you stay at home (or more likley have fun elsewhere). That way at least he does not get a child free / drunk day by himslef!

3 accept the invitation for dh and your boys but on the day you devlop a 'serious' affliction which means you cannot look after dd so he either has to miss the wedding compeletly or take her with them.

And as far as seeing her everyday - can you manage to change that? eg go in to school a different way

Oh and SIL and MIL can explain to your dd why she is not invited - I certainly would not want to have to do that! And if they don't then you dh can - perhaps he does not realise how hurt she will be

bigchris · 01/06/2009 13:23

I agree with HunkerMunker's post:

'By hunkermunker on Mon 01-Jun-09 10:50:54
Oh, look, you could do all these passive aggressive things, but that makes you as bad as her.

Just say "Why isn't DD invited to the wedding?" and then the ball's in her court.

Or wait and see what DH says - why haven't you asked him yet? '

you need to explain to her what an awful positio you have put the who;e family in and there is no way you will all go without one member of the family. Then ask her if she is ok with dh going on his own. he needs to tell her he is prepared to go on his own but isn't happy about it.

and as for your inlaws, the grandparents, I'm surprised they would go along with leaving out one of the grandchildren but including all the others
Your dh needs to have a word with his parents and his sister

Rosa · 01/06/2009 13:24

I just do not understand people - ok so they had to draw the line but you are family - It should have been either no children or all children- I would have been horrified not to have my immediate family with me on my wedding day babies, toddlers, children ..
As for your dh I would just tell him to go and you have a fun day with the dc - cinema, pizza out or whatever you like doing as a family !

bigchris · 01/06/2009 13:25

get dh to say 'I'm sorry Sil but I dn't undersntad why my whole family is invited excpet my dd, do you realise how hurt she will be when she sees all the pictures of us all enjoying ourselves without her'

then just add a bit of emotional balckmail too, 'your her favourite aunty' etc etc how could you do this to her??

Monkeyandbooba · 01/06/2009 13:29

As an aside I had children at my wedding all the under 6s caused no trouble, there was a 9 and 11yr olds and they were a serious PITA

savoycabbage · 01/06/2009 13:31

Let's all go to the wedding.

pinkmagic1 · 01/06/2009 13:32

I personally can't understand people not wanting to invite children to a wedding. After all they are meant to be FAMILY celebrations arn't they?

crokky · 01/06/2009 13:33

Haven't read the whole thread but if this was me I would be a bit passive agressive - I would send DH to the wedding with DS1 and DS2 and I would stay at home (go out for the day) with DD. So your excuse for not attending is that you have to look after DD.

That way, it will be so obvious that half your family is present - everyone will ask your DH where his wife and youngest child are and SIL will look mean.

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