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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 20/06/2009 21:30

You're right I am enjoying the freedom of only having my own dc to look after, her dd can be a real madam at times and I hate that kind of behaviour. I suppose the apple didn't fall far from the tree, or whatever that expression is.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 20/06/2009 21:35

Sorry to see your dh is being a bit ball - free, I am angry on your behalf, actually.

But, you have stood up for yourself and your family, you have stood your ground, you have won new respect, and freedom from a demanding child and free babysitting service! So, that is cool....

Heated · 20/06/2009 21:37

She's the sort though who will have the brass neck to think she can use you for free childcare again or will suggest you're being overly sensitive/unkind not to have the pleasure of her dd's company - without, of course, noting any irony in that.

Hope you can be unavoidably busy for the next 5 years!

Original poster
macherie · 20/06/2009 21:41

Thanks QS yes you are right it is cool - thanks for reminding me!

Heated I am very, very busy these days - I have been sucked into the vortex of mumsnet and can't escape - there is always so much to read

OP posts:
zeke · 20/06/2009 23:05

Yes, that is at best very ill-thought out and at worst extremely mean.

I'm not sure how I would react!

I totally understand the no children thing (I didn't invite children, mainly because we had a very small evening wedding - married at 5 pm and then had 21 guests for a very 'posh' meal) but this, I really don't get this!

At five your DD is certainly old enough to fully understand what is going on and be extremely hurt by her lack of invite. How your SIL doesn't know that....

Hopefully, your DH can sort this one out.

zeke · 20/06/2009 23:10

Oh sorry - I must stop doing this!
'this' being reply to threads and THEN realise they are way longer and have moved on significantly!

zeke · 20/06/2009 23:23

Having now read it all (well important highlights), I think you made a very wise decision. In fact a lot of wise things have been said and I feel I have learnt a little!
I hope when they day comes you and your DCs have a lovely day together.

knockedgymnast · 20/06/2009 23:24

I think I mentioned this on another thread that my sister did this. She had a rule that only one child per family could go, which I guess I could understand to a small extent. I have 3 children and I wasn't able to get a babysitter plus the twins were not very old at the time.

I later found out that another sister's two children both went and what made it worse was that they were both babies at the time.

I wasn't suppose to know, my mum let it slip...

Some families, hey

mamas12 · 20/06/2009 23:40

Macherie Can't remember when the wedding is but you poor thing to realise what a woos your dh is re: his 'family'
So if I have this right you and dcs are NOT going but your dh will be?
How on earth is he going to explain that one to them becasue it certainly shouldn't be down to you should it.
What a loon your sil is
And I am cheering you on for being strong enough to think of your dcs first by standing your ground.

Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 09:08

Thanks to all of you for your support. The kind and wise words of MNers have really helped me deal with this in a way I just wouldn't have been able to do without this thread.

I have always known that dh is spineless when it comes to dealing with his family, but there's always the faint hope that one day he'll face up to them. Not now obviously.
The fact is they are all damaged - FIL was a violent alcoholic and MIL has suppressed her emotions for so long she no longer knows what emotions are. So in a way they can't help themselves from being screwed up. But when all these dysfunctional people get together and are all being weird at the same time, it feels a bit isolating to be the only normal person in the room!

OP posts:
katiestar · 21/06/2009 09:16

YABU and unbelievably selfish and precious.
Why do people feel they have the right to taint other people's big day by making demands which are clearly not in accordanc with the couples wishes.It is all about your SIL and her husband not you and your DC.Grow up !!

Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 09:19

I'll grow up, katiestar, thanks!

OP posts:
Heated · 21/06/2009 09:23

Katiestar, did you read the entire thread? Just wondering if you know you are the lone voice of dissent or whether you've had your shot of caffeine yet?

katiestar · 21/06/2009 09:25

Have to confess I haven' read 20 pages just the OP. Has it been an AIBU by stealth then ?

QuintessentialShadow · 21/06/2009 09:35

tsk tsk tsk Katiestar..... Long thread.

Your hasty post with a "grow up" added, really stands out as being one of ignorance.

spicemonster · 21/06/2009 09:40

Blimey katiestar - that's about the fourth thread in as many days that you've stamped onto in your size 9s and said something completely inappropriate/ignorant/offensive. Perhaps reading first, commenting later might be something to consider?

macherie - was hoping this was an update to say that the wedding had been and gone so sorry that's not the case! How do you think things will be over the long term now? Do you think it will change the way you and your DCs interact with your DH's entire family? I admire you for standing up for yourself and your children - sounds like it will be a total shock to them!

thumbwitch · 21/06/2009 09:42

oh what a lovely post, katiestar! how thoughtful and kind!

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:42

You really can't wade in with exteme comments when you haven't bothered to read the thread! It is very unfair on OP who had a very difficult situation to deal with.

katiestar · 21/06/2009 09:45

Ok have read it through now and no new info really.Maybe I put my opinion across harshly but the sentiment is still the same.
I think it a little thoughtless of your SIL and her partner , but it sounds like a blanket policy -it is not just your DD who is being targetted.
Your DD needs to understand that she is younger than her siblings and that is why she can't go.
I still stand by the fact that it is the couples day .IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM not you and your DC

QuintessentialShadow · 21/06/2009 09:47

No Katiestar, it is NOT all about the couple - I can understand your sentiment if you are a bridezilla, but it is all about FAMILIES joining together.

Are/Were you a bridezilla Katiestar?

Heated · 21/06/2009 09:47

Actually Motherpi also dissented so not a totally lone voice, Katiestar.

This probably explains it quite well:

DH: So, why is dd not invited to the wedding?

SIL:I only want the ds's there for (her)dds sake, I don't want younger children there - they're too needy

DH: but you realise you are putting us in a really difficult position - how are we going to explain to dd that her brothers can go, but she can't?

SIL: Well then don't bring ds1 &ds2 You didn't invite me to your wedding

DH: We didn't invite anyone to our wedding ceremony, we invited you to the reception. Anyway, you came to the ceremony, and nobody minded.

SIL: well, this is my wedding. SLAMS DOWN PHONE

  • Only in invitation did Macherie & dh realise dd not invited, dd has gorgeous dress bought especially
-Macherie's dd and SIL dd play together as Macherie does free childcare for SIL and helps her lots eg helped sil move her own dd tto the school her dd attends
piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 09:51

To exclude the DC who is at the age where she would most like to go to a wedding is very unfair IMO. You either have all the DCs in a family or none.

QuintessentialShadow · 21/06/2009 09:52

Look, we have done this debate, we dont have to start all over again just because one poster decides to wade in and be insensitive.

katiestar · 21/06/2009 09:53

I have been invited to weddings whree DC have not ,and it has never crossed my mind to presume to dictate who they invite to their wedding

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot · 21/06/2009 09:53

It is her wedding her choice, but also it's your kids your choice

Me? I'd book a nice weekend somewhere far away from event then send a note saying sorry can't make it, send us a photograph

I do happen to be with QS on the nature of a wedding anyhow, but not inviting one child goes way beyyond reasonable behaviour and you have a duty to DD to show ytour integrity as a family unit.

Now the only way arond this f you really wanted to go would be to set up something so nice for dd2 that she chose to prefer that- don't know if that's possible? But otherwise wouldn't touch with a very long bargepole indeed.

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