to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

[macherie]

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

Stop babysitting for her too.

I would let Mr Macherie make his own mind up. He's an adult and I think some women tend to have parent child relationships with their husbands rather than adult adult. I would hate my husband to badger and emotionally manipulate me on something concerning my family and I wouldn't do it to him.
The sibling bond is generally stronger than the inlaw bond and I wouldn't want him holding it against me that I wouldn't "let" him attend his sisters wedding. I would insist though that if he goes he doesn't discuss it in front of me or the children until several weeks after the wedding when feelings have calmed down.
I'd also make sure the kids and I did something nice. Alton Towers or Disneyland with 3 kids and no partner sounds like my idea of hell. I'd do something lower key and more relaxing.

"The sibling bond is generally stronger than the inlaw bond ...."

Yes, and what about the husband/wife father/daughter bonds?

It's not about manipulating him into not going. I would have thought turning up in his best suit to see his sister getting married, toasting their good health with a glass of champagne, then returning to his wife and children (who are unable to attend because of inflexibility/spitefulness of the bride), would be entirely in order.

Attending the entire would be disloyal. As well as very unattractive.

Yanbu.

Why didn't your sil go one step further and not invite all people with ginger hair. Or anyone over 6 feet tall. Or anyone who cannot fit into a size 12 or smaller dress?

I think she is being very mean to you and your family and could make an exception.

I think the issue is that whilst some people are more than happy to leave their children and tootle off at will here there and everywhere others are not.
It sounds like the op's sil falls into the former category.
I often refuse invites directed at "adults only" on the basis that I fall into the second category. Don't get me wrong I like a night out with just adults and my dh, but day time activities I feel are more of a family event.

Hmm motherpi

What if I got married and said no over 60s? Or no men over 30? That would be considered very odd. People wouldn't come without their loved ones.

You can't go around splitting families up. Weddings IME are usually either no children at all, or only children of relatives, or children everywhere.

Asking people to leave half their families at home is not an acceptable reqeust.

Hi all, no news to report, but ds and SILs dd had made a loose arrangement to meet up at the park today, so we'll see if they turn up! I shall give her my brighest smile, but will hopefully be too busy pushing dd on the swing to chat

Clure, you're so right - she just doesn't 'get' what we all find so obvious, weird eh? I know that she would regard herself as being very 'clued in' IYKWIM, but she genuinely thinks I'm making a fuss about nothing.

The tricky thing is that my ds's and her dd all get along very well, and go to school together. My boys are really sociable and haves loads of friends whereas their cousin is quite aloof, and even though I have no intention of splitting them up or anything like that, I think she would miss tham a lot if I cut down their contact out of school.

Makes it a bit difficult because as people have said, I've seen her true colours now and there's no going back.

Funnily enough, her dd doesn't really like my dd, although my poor dd thinks her older cousin is great. I think the cousin is just a pretty over indulged only child who can't relate to little ones. If she was mine I would be much tougher with her about having patience with younger children, as I am with my older two. I have wondered if that impacted on her decision to cross dd off the guest list.

Mr Macherie still considering his position!

You know Macherie, I have to admire the way you've handled this. You've behaved with great decorum and dignity and i so hope that your SIL gets the comeuppance she so richly deserves (like her future husband running off with the best man the night before the wedding )

Have you decided yet what you're going to be doing the day of the wedding?

started to read this last night and was a little agast at SIL's decision re you dd. But hey we can't help who we're related too. Just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful dignified reasonable person and I wish I had a lovely sil like you. (and you're a fab mum)

Spam, I completely agree.
Motherpi, I think the problem with this particular choice of exclusion age is that under 6s will know where the rest of the family is off to. If she had wanted to exclude small children, it would be kinder to use a younger age when they would not be aware of it. The age she has chosen seems to be aimed at excluding macherie's dd, under 6 is a rather odd age to choose isn't it? Most 5/6 yo I know would be able to behave themselves nicely for a wedding, girls particularly.

Also, she must have made this decision before she sent the invites, so why did she not pre-warn macherie so there was no exciting build up for her dd?

I don't agree with stirring things up either, and macherie has dealt with it impeccably, but I think you are looking at the bride's behaviour through some rose tinted specs, being a bride doesn't give you carte blanche to not consider the effect of your decisions on the people you are asking to come and share your day. And if she did consider it, and didn't care, that does make her pretty heartless when the children all see so much of each other. Surely you can see how it seems possible that SIL did this specifically to leave out macherie's dd?

She didn't turn up at the park - phew, we were able to relax!

As to what we might do on the day, well, I really would love to go away, but think that's unlikely to happen, but I was thinking of organising a bit of a party for the dc.

Ideally, if the weather is kind maybe get together a gang of friends at the park, with all their lovely mums. Some treats, fun and games for the kids, and maybe glass of fizzy something to toast the bride and groom

Using a young child for revenge is unacceptable. Good on you for putting your daughter first. You are a good mum

That sounds like a great plan, macherie.

A picnic in the park sounds great. Good games/races would be pass the parcel, treasure hunt, tug of war, pin the tail on the donkey, musical bumps, stuck in the mud, ackey 1, 2, 3, flying kites, skipping races, egg and spoon races, hula hooping, rounders, swingball, obstacle course, balancing bean bags on head whilst hopping etc Water bombs if it's warm A bubble machine and parachute would be good fun if you can get hold of one. Face painting is always a winner. Oh and you could have a pinata and hang it from a tree.

Has mr macherie decided where his loyalties lie?

Lovely idea, your a good parent (wonders off thinking your DH is not so good a parent)

Well if anyone still remembers or cares, it seems you were right that dh has no balls, and that his loyalties seem to be with his family rather than me.

SIL and I have been largely ignoring each other at the school, except for a forced 'hi' when the children are there. I found the school run a bit nerve wracking for the first few days, but kept reminding myself that I was in the right . It's very friendly there and I always manage to chat to someone else, while she just grabs her dd and runs.

But today was the test. MIL was having a party, largely for SILs new in-laws. DS1 and DS2 really wanted to go as they've been desperate to have a water fight and we have a tiny city garden while MIL has a sprawling georgian mansion with vast grounds.

Dh wanted me to go and he usually successfully pressurises me into going to these damn parties, but during the week I decided NO. I am a grown woman and if I don't want to go then I am not going! end of story. There was no way I was allowing dd to go without me, given that I now know for certain what I have suspected for some time that she is regarded as a nuiscence and irritation by SIL and MIL simply for being a young child. So dd and I met my mum for lunch and some shoe shopping, which we all really enjoyed

So, they came home a while ago and while I made them something to eat I asked dh if he had talked to SIL, yes he said.
So, what did you say?
Oh, we didn't talk about THAT, just normal stuff.
So you just carried on as if none of that had ever happened?
Pretty much, it wasn't really the time to talk about it.
Well you had the last 3 weeks to talk to har about it but you haven't, so I guess this means you're never going to?
That's not fair says dh as he walks off.

I feel that by saying nothing and carrying on as before he's condoning not only her nastiness towards dd, but also the fact that she used me for on tap, unpaid childcare whenever it suited her because she knew I was too nice to refuse. I feel like a complete sucker, and my dh doesn't even have the guts to stand up for me.

Feeling pretty at the moment.

Poor you. DH will have had a lifetime of SIL and MIL telling him what to do though - it won't be easy for him to stand up to them now. Good for you for looking out for dd - hope you had a lovely afternoon.

You're probably right cornsilk, he has never stood up for me before, and god knows there have been many opportunities, so maybe I am expecting too much.

I guess I'll just have to go on standing up for myself.

Did you get anything nice at the shops then???

Your Dh is probably very confused about all of this right now and might need time adjusting to the fact his Sis and DM are a pair of cowbags.

How is your SIL coping without your babysitting?

Got a lovely pair of shoes to soften the blow thanks!

CrackFox, SIL has been keeping her dd off school loads as they are both so busy with wedding preparations Bet she just couldn't be bothered to do all the extra driving back and forth to school.

Grr at dh - did you ever show him this thread, btw?

And have you made firm plans for the day of the wedding? Think your unreasonable SIL might come to rue ending that convenient childcare arrangement.

Glad you and dd had a nice day.

This will seriously bite her on the arse now that she will have to look after her own daughter instead of palming her off on you all the time. Bet you seem to have more free time now, eh?

Think I would be wasting my time showing dh the thread. He knows what he should d, he just can't do it.

I meanwhile am trying really hard to grow a thick skin and not give a damn about my ILs. But it's much easier said than done. I so wish I was one of those really assertive, bolshy women who couldn't care less about what other people think! Am seriously considering doing some kind of assertiveness training!