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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 02/06/2009 21:23

well done macherie, you have behaved with a lot of dignity. Your SIL really has very little empathy if she can't understand your position on this. Stand firm - you are in the right.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 21:24

Well, promise you will all hang around just incase MIL rings - ok?

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 21:31

if Mil rings it's just a simple case of saying 'i just can't break dd's heart like that, i'm sorry'. because like you say, it WILL break dd's heart if you all go and she doesn't. she isn't emotionally developed enough to understand about weddings and kids under a certain age not coming etc etc she'll just take it personally and possibly think that she's been left out because of something she's done to displease her aunt.

imagine her wee face crying when you all scoot off in your finery... that is the reason why you can't possibly go, and why you shouldn't even be asked to.

maryz · 02/06/2009 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumOfAPickle · 02/06/2009 21:43

Aaaargh just did long message and lost it

Basically the jist was that SiL is being a bitch but maybe doesn't believe it will upset DD that much?

If MiL calls, stay calm and explain how you feel and how your DD will feel.

In terms of your DH, I do think he's getting a bit of a rough ride here. Of course his loyalty is with you/your DD but not attending his own sister's wedding is a huge deal and might cause a proper big family rift. I know she's been unreasonable in this case but if you handle it right then your DC's might barely notice missing the wedding but they would definitely notice your entire DH's family being cut out of their lives...believe me I know how these things can escalate if at least one side doesn't suck it up. This time that might need to be you and your DH....

Heated · 02/06/2009 21:58

Really, really can't believe she directed her venom on a 5 year old girl!

Oh yes, definitely have a fab day out, previous suggestions about Alton Towers type theme park or even Disneyland for a couple of days would be excellent - think how excited the dcs would be! Will put a boring wedding in the shade.

Oh, and btw, are you still going to be available for SIL's free babysitting?

Heated · 02/06/2009 22:02

Lol Maryz, evilly excellent plan

Saint Macherie [halo smiley]

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 22:06

Mumofapickle, i think it's not that she doesn't believe that it would hurt dds feelings, but that she can't understand why dds feelings would be hurt, IYSWIM. And also , I think, so what if she is hurt definately got that feeling from her today.

OP posts:
cat64 · 02/06/2009 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

snorkle · 02/06/2009 22:07

macherie, can you just confirm whether or not you are planning not to go and does your SiL know? I ask because you said to her not taking any dc would free up 2 spaces, but if you don't go either then that makes 3 spaces.

FWIW I think you should be completely clear to her that you won't be able to go either (unless you are planning to).

Horton · 02/06/2009 22:08

I don't think the SIL's being a bitch. I do think she's being very immature and not really thinking about the impact of her actions on other people. I expect she'll grow up one day and hopefully feel a bit bad about how mean she was to someone who might have expected her to be kinder than this. But if she doesn't, it's her loss.

I also think the passive aggressive suggestions about how to handle it are less than helpful, frankly, although many of them are v v funny. Macherie seems to be exhibiting considerable grace under pressure and not descending to the same level as her SIL and I think she should carry on the same way. Macherie, actually you sound like the only proper grown up in the situation!

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 22:09

LOL, Maryz, if i burst into tears on MIL she would be so horrorstruck by such an innapropriate display of emotion that she would put the phone down and never call again

OP posts:
LovelyTinOfSpam · 02/06/2009 22:13

Oh motherpi

Bride has right to choose her own guest list?

Well within certain reason, yes.

I wouldn't be very pleased if I got invited to a wedding and DH was excluded.

Same thing really. You can't invite 4 members of a family and expect one of the to sit at home for the day. It's ludicrous.

Sorry macherie, no advice you are handling this v well, but just had to respond to motherpi!

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 22:17

Horton I think you are spot on about her, I suspect that at some time in the (possibly distant) future, she will look back and feel rather ashamed of her behaviour.

Snorkle, I'll have to see her at school on thurs and i'm going to tell her I have no-one to look after the dc, so I won't be able to go, so isn't that great you've another free place.

Thought if I said today 'well the ds's aren't going, and I'm not going either, so there!' it might not be the best strategy.

And indeed i don't have anyone to mind them as it's weekday and my mum will be at work.

OP posts:
snorkle · 02/06/2009 22:21

Yes that sounds wise macherie, well done.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 22:23

RE the MIL, I think you are right aitch, i should just keep it simple, don't want to break dd's heart and that will be the consequence of going without her.

I think I will have to give dh a bit of coaching, as MIL is more likely to go to him first, not me.

OP posts:
motherpi · 02/06/2009 22:34

But she does, LToS, she does!!

SIL has decided that she doesn't want any young children at the wedding. She hasn't said that all children are welcome other than dd! She has chosen a cut-off point of 6, and she is the one that gets to a) choose the No Young 'Uns rule and b) decide what constitutes a Young 'Un.

It isn't very thoughtful, and to let OP go as far as buying a dress before telling her is shocking, but it is her choice.

Lots of people have a no children/no over-ones rule. Why is this so different?

curlyredhead · 02/06/2009 22:37

Well done on being so calm with your SIL, I would probably have gone all wobbly and either shouted or cried

On the MIL front - if she starts in on 'well, sil wasn't invited to your wedding' I would be tempted to point out that none of your dh's sibs were invited - it isn't like you said only sil couldn't come, which is what she's doing to your children. I would also maybe play some of the 'I probably would do it differently now, if I could go back I'd have the whole family, I can see now how important having all the family there is....' type of thing, take some of the wind out of their sails if they are taking the 'well, Macherie got to say we couldn't come' type of line.

Urk. Families, eh. Poor all our children with this all to come with their sibs and in laws....

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 22:52

Curlyhead I was so close to shouting/and or crying, it was wise words from this thread that helped me keep it together.

I cannot overstate how everyone who has posted on this thread, yes even you motherpi has helped me to get a perspective, organise my thoughts, stand up for my family and keep my dignity.

I am eternally grateful to AIBU. I must confess I only ever lurked here before, this is the place for wiser women than I - I generally know my place in style and beauty - speaking of which anyone need a dress for a wedding - very pretty, never worn?

OP posts:
motherpi · 02/06/2009 22:56

I'm really pleased you are feeling better about this macherie, and for my tuppence worth, I think you are absolutely doing the right thing to let dh go but whisk dc off for a fabulous day.

Good luck with the school run and MIL. You are dealing with this beautifully!

womma · 02/06/2009 23:00

Well done Macherie! I'm setting up a bar so we can all toast you, a shining example of graciousness!!

Voltaire · 02/06/2009 23:00

Macherie - I feel your DH should only go for the marriage bit itself, not to the party. All for one and one for all, and all that.

clam · 02/06/2009 23:03

Wow, been out and just caught up.

I'm in awe of how calm and assertive you were when speaking to SIL. Well done.

But you're fighting a lost cause here - she's got no idea what the issue is, even though you've explained it, and she's going to convince herself that she's right and you're wrong. Worse than that, that you're determined to ruin her day and cause her more stress. Let her get on with it.

Just be glad that you've had your eyes opened to her true nature, and you don't have to waste any more time being her friend and helping her out. Her loss, by the sound of it, as it seems you do much more for her than she does for you. Protect your daughter from having someone in her life who clearly does not have her interests and feelings at heart.

Can't wait to hear how you choose to spend the day instead. When is it?

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 23:03

Aw, shucks guys, you'll be giving me a swelled head.

OP posts:
Kimi · 03/06/2009 07:39

If it were me (and I am a bitch I know) I would say yes me, dh and sons are coming, let her pay for 4 meals or whatever then just not go, and no way on Gods green earth would my other half go to a wedding on his own if one of our children had been excluded. Oh and I would tell SILs mother in law to be as well.

Still DH1 has little to do with his half sister and says his real sister is Dead as far as he is concerned, and my sister would never do something like your SIL has done.

I don't see why your DH has to bow down to her and keep the peace with his family, are they really worth it? Sounds not TBH.