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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
Mumsnut · 02/06/2009 19:37

I think you should be far 'too busy' to look at her wedding photos, videos, etc, by the way. Just change the subject when she wants to languish in memories ...

Meglet · 02/06/2009 19:43

well done for being dignified about it, i am stunned she is being so rude. I think you should take you and all your dc's out for a meal that night, a sort of two fingers up to your SIL.

Monkeyandbooba · 02/06/2009 19:49

Well I'm hoping her contraceptive fails on honeymoon, she gets pregnant then invited to a wedding in 5 yrs time and she isn't allowed to take her youngest. Oh and the wedding is in the far reaches of the Outer Hebrides

Ponders · 02/06/2009 20:04

she will probably go & whinge to her mother now, that you are being unfair & spoiling her big day, & her mother will have a go at DH, & DH will come back to you & say would it be so bad...???

I hope he won't but he might.... Stand firm, macherie - you are doing fine!

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 20:12

OMG, ponders I just came on here, and your post is the first I've seen - that's EXACTLY what I think will happen.

Every time the phone rings I think, oh god that's MIL.

She's very hard to read, she doesn't like children herself, she openly admits that, but I think even she would accept that what SIL wants is very unreasonable.

I'm not sure how this is going to pan out.

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 20:18

Ah, thanks so much for all the support - it means a lot {smile]

BUT, there's 5 weeks to the wedding so I'll need a bit more handholding before it's all over.

Tbh, the more I think about it, the sadder I feel for SIL and particularly her dd, she obviously has a lot of 'issues' she needs to work out. I wonder will she look back and regret her behaviour.

What is it with weddings, I just don't understand why women put themselves under so much unnecessary pressure for just one day.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 02/06/2009 20:20

Macherie, don't worry about the 'phone ringing and it being your MIL. You've done nothing wrong at all and don't have to defend yourself. You don't even have to explain yourself to anyone.

You're certainly ballsy, that's for sure!

FairLadyRantALot · 02/06/2009 20:24

YANBU...that is horrid...if it was me, I indeed would not go out of protest, and that is the whole family....would be different if no Kids were allowed, I suppose....but this seems off to me...and of course your dd would be upset etc...and she probably would wonder what she has done....

Many years ago my aunt had a wedding, my sister was a bridemaid, and 1 cousin and me were the 2 younger children, at the time the youngest of the family ...and we were told we were not allowed into the church....it turned out to have been a complete misunderstanding by one of my other aunts...but we missed the service and we were both upset and hurt...and I was gutted, as her future SIL was a brilliantly talented singer and was giving a rendition of Ave Maria, which is my favourite ever song from that genre....
we were older than 5 ( I think I must have been about 9 or 10 and cousin was a bit older....), but that didn't stop us being uspet...so, I would think a younger child would be even more upset

FairLadyRantALot · 02/06/2009 20:25

ooops, thread obviously had massively moved on...

cluelessnchaos · 02/06/2009 20:29

macherie you handled that so much better than I would have, I would have shouted and screamed but you got out all your frustrations on here first, well done, and dont back track regardless of what other people say. YOU ARE RIGHT. And whatever spin she puts on it, nothing is going to change that, be very proud of yourslef.

Kimi · 02/06/2009 20:30

I think it is disgusting that your DH is going, his first loyalty's should be with his WIFE and his DAUGHTER not to his simple sister.... disrespectful in the upmost.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 20:35

You are so right fair lady, memories like that, of injustices done, can stay with you forever. I have apicture in my mind off dd crying on the doorstep as we all drive off to the wedding, and I am keeping that picture at the forefront of my mind so that I won't give in to pressure to change my mind.

LOL winky I can say with total certainty i've NEVER been called ballsy before in my entire life - thank you

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 02/06/2009 20:38

oh and your dh is going...why? surely if your dd isn't welcome than he should also make a stand....

like I said, completely different if all Kids were disallowed and they want an "Adult Day"....but honestly....why would he (your dh ) even want to go?

tiredemma · 02/06/2009 20:38

God he sounds like an awful, hideous mean old bag.

I hope it pisses down with rain on that day.

AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 20:40

but if dh doesn't go it'll cause a big drama and macherie will be made to look like the awkward one. that's how these things work in families. don't feed the drama, macherie, just let them all get on with their weirdy little ways and set about planning a nice day out. in fact my suggestio a good while ago was for you and dh to take the kids on a wee holiday that's far enough away for you not to feel wedding-y and close enough for him to drive to the wedding for the day and have to remain sober enough to drive back that night.

tiredemma · 02/06/2009 20:41

she not he!!

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 20:58

I do think that's a good idea to just book a holiday, but sadly we've arranged one for august, and funds won't stretch to another. Having said that I'm on the lookout for an internet bargain, there's a place about an hours drive away that would be just right. It would just remove us all from the situation which would be perfect.

I think a lot of people think I'm letting dh off the hook here, but his family are so difficult to deal with, that if he didn't go it would cause an international incident, whereas if it's just me missing I don't think many of them would notice, or care.

I think SIL might be a bit worried about what her future in-laws will make of it all though as her MIL to be lives near us and she's lovely, we get on really well.

Having said that I'm not planning on broadcasting this around town. I'm not going to go around bitching about her or the situation, I'm just not going to be there on the day. I suspect there'll be so much drama anyway, that the dc and I won't be missed.

OP posts:
motherpi · 02/06/2009 20:59

Am disturbed by the 'burn the witch' mentality.

SIL doesn't want young children at the wedding. ANY young children.

This has been twisted into her bearing a grudge, her having issues and her deserving everything she gets.

Hang on a bit!! She doesn't sound like the nicest person, but she has a right to choose her own guest list, surely?

motherpi · 02/06/2009 21:00

Cross post there - that wasn't directed at you macherie!

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 21:03

motherpi, I've made it clear that it's her wedding, her rules.

But it's my family, my rules. Other small children have their parents to look after their interests, I must look out for my dc.

And frankly my dds feelings are far more important to me than my SILs.

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 21:04

oh, sorry motherpi

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 21:04

i really don't htink that motherpi was directing that towards you in the slightest, macherie. i'm a bit bemused by the 'she's a BITCH' posts as well, but it's horses for courses.

AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 21:05

lol at mass x-posting.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 21:08

I think it just shows how many people have had to deal with this 'bridezilla' attitude

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 21:12

yeah, but imo if you get up on your hind legs and all 'she is a BITCH' etc then it's just as childish... and you don't have the excuse of organising a wedding iykwim? you've been very calm and serious and determined to do the right thing by your dd, i think that was perfect.