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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
Poppity · 02/06/2009 14:39

Oh, well done macherie, you did a brilliant job! You sound lovely by the way, very gracious.

Keep us posted pleeeeease

TheCrackFox · 02/06/2009 14:39

TBH, she sounds like a selfish cow and she knows it. Let your DH go to the wedding but have fun day out with all of your DCs instead.

Oh, and I would tell her to shove it up her arse (politely of course) next time she needs babysitting.

ajandjjmum · 02/06/2009 14:54

Hope she gets the wedding she deserves - and can find a new babysitter!

Hope you have a great day with your dc.

MumOfAPickle · 02/06/2009 15:08

Have been lurking on this thread but not posted as basically agreed with 99% of people that she was being a witch. I also just thought 'oh well, I'm sure once she's been spoken to she'll realise that she really doesn't want to hurt her niece and of course they'll all go'. Well consider my gob smacked. Cannot believe she is digging in the heels over a 5 year old at her wedding, who she sees every day. What a big fat meanie.

I'm pretty sure my DH wouldn't go either. Or would convince his mum to intervene. The trouble I have no experience of dealing with family who are like this about children. I think if my BIL didn't invite DS to his wedding my MIL wouldn't attend in protest

I think you've done everything you can. You could suggest that DD goes in your place? It sounds like she'll enjoy it more than you...

Try not to seethe and obsess too much (easier said than done as I would be screwing!). And if all else fails, take the DC's somewhere fab - Alton Towers or Chessington maybe....

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 15:08

Thanks!

I actually wouldn't/couldn't have done it without the support and advice I got here, so a most sincere thanks to all of you

I'll keep you posted...

OP posts:
womma · 02/06/2009 15:10

Just caught up with all of this, blimey!

Macherie, well done for putting your point across to SIL, you come across as a very calm and sensible person, whereas she's obviously not like you, and would like to make this into an argument with you and DH rather than agree a reasonable compromise by the sounds of it...

If you and the DCs do something else that day, I really hope your DH sees sense and joins you.

It's such a shame that weddings can bring out the worst in people, but this is your SIL's loss, not yours.

Maybe she's seen what DD would be wearing to the wedding and can't bear the thought of being upstaged by her!

womma · 02/06/2009 15:12

Tell us where the wedding is and we'll go and throw rotten eggs at her

MichKit · 02/06/2009 15:12

Wow, you're definitely a braver person than I am. Don't be affected by the fact that she's trying to make out that you are the baddie here... I still stand by my assertion that she's a total cow!!!

HOW on earth can you be so sad/insecure/stupid to think that a well behaved little girl would be a nuisance at a family celebration?

Your SIL just seems like the kind of person that enjoys making trouble, so I would stay far away from her for a bit. That means no babysitting Macherie

MichKit · 02/06/2009 15:13

And yeah, I think if your DH has any sense, he will know who is more important to him and stay with you!

AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 15:17

well done, you got your poiint across, she really can't pick and choose. how MAD that she doesn't get how unfair she's being. what's your dh and Mil saying?

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 15:28

I think dh is a bit sad at the prospect of going alone, but it's his choice.

Don't think MIL knows anything about it, not sure what she'll say or who she'll blame when it all comes out.

I got such good advice here, from so many people, but Aitch, you said something last night which really transformed how I'm looking at this, about how she has revealed her true colours and how empowering that is for me and you're so right - I see her as she really is and not as I would like her to be.

I actually feel great, I took control of a bad sitation and stood up for my principles.

So Aitch, will you be my therapist for all in-law related issues - I can predict i'll be keeping you busy

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 15:34

you did great, really, and it's important (as someone else said) that your kids know you'll stick up for them. even if you don't tell dd all of this, she'll know that you're that kind of parent.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 15:36

Thanks again, taking them out now for an ice cream to celebrate

OP posts:
Stayingsunnygirl · 02/06/2009 15:39

I am totally shocked that she is being so heartless as to exclude your dd even after you have told her how upset your dd is going to be. I think you handled the situation with incredible grace and should be proud of yourself and the way you have stood up for your dd.

Could you somehow let MIL know the real reason why you won't be at the wedding? It would be bitchy, but you'd be utterly justified in my book - plus I bet she'll be telling a story that makes her look good and you look utterly unreasonable, so getting in first and spiking her guns seems a good idea to me - but then I am an evil cow!

stillstanding · 02/06/2009 15:40

Macherie, you have handled this with so much more grace than I would have. Well done you. Your SIL sounds like a nightmare and I honestly can't believe people behave like this.

Horton · 02/06/2009 16:17

I'd just like to say that I agree with all those who've said that you've been incredibly gracious and reasonable about all of this. I honestly don't think I could have been as nice and am really impressed with your calmness. So sorry that SIL can't summon the same reserves of grace but at least you know you tried your best and most importantly did the right thing for your daughter.

overweightnoverdrawn · 02/06/2009 16:22

I hope it f* rains on her big day
I hope she has PMT
I hope she gets a D and V bug the day before
I hope the vicar sneezes over her at the ceremony
I hope she has a really bad photographer for thr photos
I hope someone spills red wine down her dress
I hope she gets stung by a wasp
I hope the evening entertainment dosnt turn up

forehead · 02/06/2009 16:31

Your Sil is awful, i really can't understand why she has behaved in this manner. I really don't think she actually likes you, because if she cared about your feelings she would not exclude your dd from the wedding, particularly as you have voiced your concerns about the situation.

GrapefruitMoon · 02/06/2009 16:36

Well done for saying something to her! Though now you have explained about your own wedding I can see why she was miffed not to be invited to the ceremony (eg it wouldn't have cost you anything to have your dh's siblings there and I agree with whoever said that the actual ceremony is the important bit...) - I have a SIL who is an only child and I think she doesn't really "get" why certain things she has done in the past might have been hurtful to me and my sisters as. Having said that, it doesn't excuse one bit her excluding your dd or the other younger children.

lizziemun · 02/06/2009 16:36

Well done for asking. I would add when people ask on the school run about her wedding don't lie tell them why your not going, and you hope she has a nice day,

spicemonster · 02/06/2009 17:17

I'm very impressed at how you've handled this all - I don't think you could have done it any better.

And as for your SIL, what a short-sighted emotionally-stunted woman. I actually feel quite sorry for her.

sayithowitis · 02/06/2009 17:30

I really don't think your DH has the option to choose whether he goes to the wedding or not. IMO, going will simply condone what she has doen to your DD. He has to decide who is his priority here, his bi*h of a sister or his 5 year old DD who probably regards him as her own personal hero. He has to be seen to be standing up for his DD. If my DH was in this situation, I would be very very angry with him if he out his siblings ahead of his children.

Gorionine · 02/06/2009 17:54

You did really well to talk to her the way you did. You stayed gracious to her while still sticking for your family!

[round off applause emoticon]

ThingOne · 02/06/2009 18:33

Well done macherie. I'm enjoying sticking pins in my model of your SIL.

LobstersLass · 02/06/2009 19:17

Wow macherie! You've done brilliantly. I'm really impressed with the way you've handled this. Bravo missus!