to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

[macherie]

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

SIL sounds like an utter PITA & I think taking your DCs for a fun day out is a great idea. But none of this is SIL's dd's fault - why take it out on her?

Penthesileia, I am not sue anymore as it was quite a bit before in the thread, but I think SIL did gatecrash OP's wedding, so she was actually there for Op's wedding.

Ther is a difference between saying I want a litte wedding so we will just have 2 witnesses and litterally splitting a family in two because one of the DCs fall just below tha required age, surely, there cannot be that much difference between a 5yo and a 6yo in terms of organisation for SIL.

I disagree with Penthesileias proposal to escalate the conflict further, which I think it will if you start raising voices, walk away and cut contact at school. It will become intolerable on a daily basis.

Sorry, I absolutely didn't intend to suggest that you escalate the conflict! Ignore my suggestion, if that's how you think it would go, and if you think it's not going to end that way anyway, given the situation!

I wouldn't raise my voice, anyway. Just state all that I suggest calmly; keep very, very calm. Deadly so.

Personally, if I ended up excluded from a wedding (as the OP will be if her DH goes, and she and the kids don't), I'm not sure I could be able to act normally at the school gates afterwards anyway.

OP, I truly feel for you, and hope that the advice on this thread (if not mine!!!) helps you find a way out.

I think it's best if you keep all your children at home that day.
You could be the bigger person and organise a sitter so that you and dh could go without children, but to be honest, your SIL sounds so utterly self-absorbed that it wouldn't even register. Frankly, I'm surprised that your dh still wants to go after his sister made it clear that your boys have been invited as unpaid entertainment for her dd and your dd has not been invited in "revenge" for something that happened a decade ago.
By the way, I'd knock any babysitting for such an ingrate on the head.

I think it's OK to have a small wedding if you want one. The point is she is not having a small wedding but is just being spiteful as to who is invited.

I'm not sure if this has already been said, but are there any other families that are being split up into attendees and non-attendees in the same way as your family is, macherie?

I think the best way forward is to tell her straight out how unhappy she will be making your dd, and ask her if she'd like to be the one that breaks it to your dd that she's not welcome at the wedding.

Even if she is doing this as a way to get back at you for your wedding, it seems really unpleasant for her to do this by upsetting a child.

Next time she asks you to babysit, just tell her... oh, am sorry, DD wasn't invited to your wedding, so I am not planning to babysit yours for the next 10 years, until I can get over the insult!

My God, what a cow your SIL is. Being from a huge Indian family, I am well aware of how melodramatic weddings can be, but this situation that you are in just takes the biscuit for me. Particularly as you are a peaceful, non-confrontational person.

Unfortunately, there are no solutions to the problem here are there? Anyway you look at it, there will be a confrontation somewhere, and someone will get upset. But, from where I stand, the person that should NOT get upset is your 5y DD...! And, like several other posters have said, you do need to respond to this as a family. If my SIL had arbitarily decided a cut-off point, JUST to get revenge for some IMAGINED slight from 10 years ago, none of my family, including my DH would go to the wedding.

Whatever happens, I want to wish you good luck, and hope that something will work out for you. Lets just say, if SIL is as self absorbed as she seems, she won't care if any of you are at her wedding (she will probably hire out some celebrities to come over, and get her into Hello!! , in fact why don't you suggest that? )

I don't expect sil knows how this situation will impact on her in future. Not only will you stop supplying her with childcare, but other mums at school may take against her when they hear the story, and stop their dc's associating with your niece. Quite a lot do if they don't like the parents, I have found.

You say you hate your inlaws; well, here is a useful opportunity to avoid seeing them too often/being taken advantage of. I think sil needs some kind of therapy, harbouring a grudge the way she has for so long is seriously unhealthy.

i don't think she's harbouring a grudge as such, i think that she's probably thinking that you felt you could do without having her at your ceremony and she was a sister, so what's the biggie about a niece? you crossed the rubicon, as i said before.

but she is not behaving with kindness, and that's hurtful because you have been a friend to her.

But macherie invited them all to the reception. SIL's not even doing that.

For me the issue is that it's my family - dh me and dc - that is being split up, and for me that's a no-brainer.

My way would be to accept the invitation for the ceremony only, definitely taking dd along as well, then all of us leaving before the reception AS A FAMILY. Because that's what you are - not just disparate adults and children.

it's not the point, it's her wedding, she can do what she likes. same as macherie. they weren't to know (hopefully) that macherie endured their presence at the reception.

anyway, macherie, you know what i think. you should talk to her, because she is a friend of yours and she's obviously working through some weird shit.

I am not sure if this is a long held revenge attack since other families are affected too. The SIL might be thinking more along the lines of:

"I dont want small children at my wedding. They are a pain/have to be entertained etc. The age limit to stop any small children being there is 6 - that means all the littlish ones are out of the way. I dont care if the older ones come or not - my DD will be there and if they come they can all be together but if not - no big deal.
Now Macherie did her wedding her way - she didnt even invite me or my brother to the service so how dare she complain when I want to do my wedding my way and leave out the little children".

I am not agreeing with the SIL who sounds awful but clearly the woman is not someone who thinks much about the children - the OP said as much - the SIL likes to go on holiday without her own children etc so I suppose she is just not getting it/caring that what she has done is splitting a family and hurting a young child.

I do think it is best to just stay calm and point out that she is hurting the OP's DD and could a compromise (attend ceremony only) be reached. Give her the option - tell her you wont split them up so otherwise only the DH will go. At the end of the day if you are not wanted, tis best just to stay away and put it behind you.

OP i think that the real problem is that your dh is spineless.

Families and weddings - can you ever do the right thing

I think your SIL's admission she was hurt about your wedding is a major breakthrough. I can't see it myself, but clearly she was hurt. Maybe they think you can't 'understand' because you don't have siblings? Again, not very fair, but might be how dh's family see it.

I can't see the point in trying to change SIL's mind. But if it were me I would not go, neither would dcs. Before SIL's outburst I would have said dh shouldn't go either. But now I'm not so sure. Sounds like it would only carry on the pain, and at least there is an honesty about the situation now, so I think best for him to go.

Then, after wedding, maybe it is a chance for you as a friend to let her know you had not realised that attending your ceremony had meant that much to her. That maybe it might have seemed to her that you were getting all your family, but your dh couldn't have all his. (I know that is not how it was, but might be how she sees it).

Say you don't want to lose her as a friend. That you and dh could not let your dcs to go to her wedding as dd would be too upset. But no point carrying on grudges and can you both make it up?

I was always of the mind tht nephews and neices and couples own children don't really count as 'children' on wedding invites.

Well, I talked to her.

Tried to stay really calm and neutral about it all, was sympathic to the terrible stress of organising a wedding.

She cannot see what is wrong about asking the boys and dd, it's as simlpe as that, and she cannot understand why dh and I wouldn't agree to it.

It went something like this:

SIL: we're really tight on spaces.

Me: I totally understand it must be a nightmare for you, but the thing is, dh and I know how heartbroken dd will be if she the only one left at home.

SIL: Well dd is going to come across lots of situations in life when the boys are invited and she'd not.

ME: Well, of course that happens all the time, but it's not as if they are going to a friends birthday is it? This is a family wedding, and she will know that everyone else in the family will be there except her.

SIL: well, why can't your mum take her out for the day?

ME: It's a friday, she'll be at work

SIL: oh

Me: Look,I have no objection to child free occasions, that is totally your choice. I'm sorry if this doesn't suit you but you just can't pick and choose which of our children it suits you to have and which it doesn't. In the circunstances, I think it's best if none of the children go. Noone will be upset, and as you're really stuck for numbers that will free up 2 more for you, so that might help.

ther was more but it's all a bit of a blur, she accussed me of being defensive, and trying to make a drama out of it.

I said i absolutely don't want to cause trouble, this is your day, bla, bla. I was as nice as I could possibly be, but she managed to make out that I was being horrible to her and causing her all this additional stress.

Feel a bit wobbly after it all but really pleased I stood up for dd, and my family.

Good for you Macherie! You have sent a clear message (politely) about your feelings and your kids will always know that you will have their best interests at heart. All this leaves now is what exciting stuff you will do on the day?

"She cannot see what is wrong about asking the boys and dd, it's as simlpe as that, and she cannot understand why dh and I wouldn't agree to it."

I thought as much. She is not a child-friendly person, is she

Well done for trying, macherie - you have done your best, if she really won't see & doesn't care then you have no alternative (& I think most people who know you both at school will know who is being reasonable here & who isn't. DH's family are plainly bonkers anyway so try not to worry too much about how they interpret your absence)

Sorry for you that she is so inflexible though

Thank you monkey!

So who's coming to the party round at our house then?

"as you're really stuck for numbers that will free up 2 more for you, so that might help"

touche!

Yes that's it really, as someone else said, she'd love to have no children there but unfortunately she has a dd.

So sad for her though that she can't empathise with a little girl even though she has one herself

is she worredi your little girl will muscle in on the proceedings, are your girls the same age?

Well done for talking to her. You did good.

Now, breathe! Plan a nice outing for you and your children.