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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
wolveschick · 02/06/2009 10:17

Dont gatecrash. She can then add this to her 'I was excluded from your wedding' issues and you will become the person who broke her wedding 'rules'. DH can go so she cannot say that you are all being stroppy with her (plus he can tell everyone why you are not there) you have kept your dignity and arrange a nice day with DCs. Tough though... this is all very good in theory but harder when you ahavr to face her at schoool gates.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 10:19

I'm totally confused!

Think I need to draw a venn diagram of all the options!

OP posts:
Gorionine · 02/06/2009 10:24

IMHO it it SIL who should dread seing OP at the school gates, not the opposite!

shouldbeironing · 02/06/2009 10:31

I would talk to her but dont think you should phrase it as a request - sounds like you are pleading with her. I would say to her that you cant split the children up and DD would be very upset not to see her auntie on her big day so if DD is not invited you would like to offer two alternatives and which would she prefer:

  1. all of you, including DD, go to the ceremony and then you and DH will go to the reception. Say that obviously you are not happy and DH isnt either but as it is her wedding this is what you are willing to do.
  1. if this isnt acceptable to her then only your DH goes and he will do this out of a sense of duty. You will organise a treat for your DC instead.

Try and stay unemotional about it - offer her the choice and just go with it. If it develops into any sort of discussion you need to be clear to her that it is your DD that she is hurting - not you - which is why it is unacceptable to you.

ShinyPinkShoes · 02/06/2009 10:32

I would be telling your DH to sort this out
Either the entire family go or none of you- and that includes him.

Her behaviour is devisive and cruel in my opinion.

ingles2 · 02/06/2009 10:33

I think the best option Macherie, would be to remain dignified, let your dh go to the wedding and you take the all the dc's out for the day.
She doesn't really want the children there, the boys will probably be bored (mine always are at weddings) and as a nice little touch, she'll have to entertain her own dd.

timmette · 02/06/2009 10:37

Totally agree with ingles2.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 10:37

That is my definate preferred option ingles.

I suppose what I'm afraid of is a family backlash against me for not going.

OP posts:
EyeballsintheSky · 02/06/2009 10:41

I second Ingles and shouldbeironing actually. DH wants to go, it's his sister so understandable. He goes on his own and you take all of the dc out for the day. I only have one dc but I couldn't imagine splitting my nieces up over a family occasion like this. Especially as your dd is old enough to know what is going on.

ingles2 · 02/06/2009 10:42

She's made it impossible for you to go though Macherie...
You have to look after DD.
Who else is going to do it? (there is no option if the family asks )

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 10:43

Thanks everyone, will mull this all over today.

MN is a total lifeline for me at the moment.

Now, lets all get out in the sun

OP posts:
EyeballsintheSky · 02/06/2009 10:44

OK, so you have to put dd in the cattery for the day. Who do they think it going to look after dd? As you only have a small family they are all busy, aren't they?

Gorionine · 02/06/2009 10:45

Why would they be cross at you not going, surely , they do not expect you to go and leave DD at home alone. Tell them it was not possible to arrange adequate childcare!

Gorionine · 02/06/2009 10:46

Sorry, xposted with Ingles!

ingles2 · 02/06/2009 10:51

Infact when you see SIL you should say (very sincerely.....)
Sil,... I'm so sad I'm not going to be at your wedding but I really hope you have a fantastic day.....
She'll say... Why can't you come?
Well, because someone has to look after dd and her brothers don't really want her to be on her own so we can't come but dh will be there........
Then let her stew on it.

QuintessentialShadow · 02/06/2009 10:54

Yes. Totally agree with Ingles last post.

ShinyPinkShoes · 02/06/2009 10:57

Take them to Disneyland Paris or somewhere equally special for the day and they won't give the wedding a second thought

QuintessentialShadow · 02/06/2009 11:01

Ooohh, I like that idea. Make sure your sils dd knows your kids are going to DisneyLand/LegoLand/Chessington World of Adventure, and that they are all excited and cant wait to go. It will make her EXTRA bored at the wedding, and your SIL can do nought about it, as SHE created that situation.

Revenge is sweet tasting....

wasabipeas · 02/06/2009 11:06

Macherie, what about speaking to the groom?
Surely he must be playing a part in organising all this and might be a bit more rational than you SiL as he doesn't have all the resentment from 10 years ago
Surely he would be mortified to hear how much of a bridezilla primadona she is being and how spiteful she is being towards a young child

ingles2 · 02/06/2009 11:08

And....
Say matter of factly to DH,.
ok what a shame, well obviously I can't go to the wedding because I've got to look after DD and tbh I don't think it's fair for the boys to go, so you go.... have a lovely time,...tell me all about it ...
Don't suggest any other option for childcare, if Dh says what about your mum/friend, make an excuse... remain matter of fact.
Assuming he's like my dh, and has no clue about childcare / would never dream of organising it himself, he'll totally believe that ...
so he now feels bad dd is not invited and therefore you can't go with him, he'll tell the rest of the family,hopefully he'll persuade his family but if not
you still come out of it smelling of roses because you gave up the lovely day out... bridzilla seems crazy to extended family!
(don't forget to do the slightly upset, but don't worry about me face)

GreatUncleBulgaria · 02/06/2009 11:08

Oh what a nightmare it all sounds I personally would do what Ingles has said and take all the DCs off for a really special day out/short break close enough so your DH can make it to the wedding.And do the telling them not everyone was invited because it is absolutely bound to come up in the future.

Also, I'd try to build in you pottering off for a bit of pampering somewhere to compensate for lack of dresses.

I think we probably upset DH's brothers and sisters when we got married. My Mum, Dad, brother and Nan (emotional blackmail from my Dad) came, DH's best friend and we invited his parents who decided they weren't coming.

At the last minute his parents changed their minds and tried to get a flight but couldn't. With hindsight I think they were upset his siblings weren't asked but there are 3 of them and 6 nieces, we never see them and wanted to keep it small. I just wanted to get married, had a one year old, had just had to go to a funeral in Germany, I hate fuss and just wanted to be married.

whiskersonkittens · 02/06/2009 11:09

Great idea - and then when the wedding photos come out you will have some of your own to show the family and especially her dd and your dcs can go on about how wonderful it all was in front of her too

Penthesileia · 02/06/2009 11:09

What a horrid situation.

Sorry if this has been suggested, but what about the following...

Leaving aside the facts that you wanted a very small ceremony for your own wedding and that you hosted a reception for your DH's family...

It was, IMO, hurtful that you didn't invite your DH's siblings to your wedding ceremony. I can understand that she might have wanted to witness the wedding. Certainly, that's the bit of a wedding I like most - I can take or leave most wedding parties or receptions.

Ok, so let's give serious consideration to the possibility that she was really hurt at being excluded from her brother's wedding ceremony. The gatecrashing suggests a certain reckless desire to be there, after all.

So, she now has the opportunity - childish, indeed, but there it is - to "hurt" you back. Perhaps, in fact, she wants to hurt your DH more (since as her brother, maybe she thinks he should've insisted that she be at his ceremony).

Obviously, bygones should be bygones, and she should be over it. But maybe she just isn't.

Can you go to her and say: "I'm sorry that you weren't invited to our wedding ceremony. We wanted a very small ceremony, as I am shy, and find being the centre of attention difficult; but I realise now that this was probably really hurtful to you. Will you accept my apologies for this?"

See how she reacts. If positively, then I would proceed with:

"DD has been so looking forward to seeing you getting married. She would be desperately disappointed, as your niece, to be left out. Is there no way you could reconsider? Just as you were sad to not be invited to DH's wedding, DD will be unhappy too at missing yours."

If she doesn't accept the olive branch (and you may have to grit your teeth a bit if she gets uppity about your wedding; and I admit that it's infuriating that you have to do all the work), then I would state - out loud - to her: "I've tried to apologise and reconcile with you. I'm sorry you can't see or accept that". And walk away. Try to cut contact as much as possible. No reason you should see or talk to her at school more than any other mum. Stop looking after her DD. Let your DH arrange contacts with cousins etc. If she can't be gracious too, it is NOT WORTH IT.

twinmam · 02/06/2009 11:11

Sorry I haven't read whole thread, just skimmed - what does yor MIL think?

at your daughter and her new dress. It seems such a cruel thing to do and agree with wasabipeas that it's spiteful.

Def agree with not splitting up the DCs and the idea of taking the DCs somewhere really special for the day. As for your DH it is up to him, I guess. I can see how it would be really hard and upsetting for him to not go to his DS's wedding. That said, I personally would find it hard to rise above that and would be a teensy pissed off at him not making a stand along with the rest of us against DD being excluded IYSWIM. Getting petty doesn't help anyone though, I guess, but I do feel as if something needs to be said (in non-confrontational manner) to SIL - have you sent your RSVP yet?

Penthesileia · 02/06/2009 11:12

Oh, and if she doesn't act graciously, I completely agree with the posters who say that your DH MUST side with you. I'm sorry, but he must.

You should all go away for a nice holiday if she doesn't take the opportunity to smooth over family differences.