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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
Gorionine · 02/06/2009 09:40

Macherie, #i can so sympathise with you. I do understand about the couple being the ones who make the choices about the guests. now, in the case of a little child, I think it is really unfair in the sense that both other siblings are invited, Why do you not ask your SIL to be the one explaining to her that she is the only one in the family not welcommed at her wedding?

I have think I already said that story on another thread a few months ago, but, as I am still not over it I will say it again. Two years ago, Bil was getting married in a North African country, I was really looking foreward to go and so were the DCs as we never went to such a wedding before. all 9 silbings of Bil were invited with their children oldest of the lot 25 youngest 2yo. All were welcommed, exept MY DCS because Dh was the bestman and Bil was worried that having his DCs along would prevent him to concentrate on his "job" For DH's sake I am still talking to his brother (all my DCs absolutely adore their uncle too) but I have not in my heart of heart forgiven him, or the other members of his family who told him that it was a good idea!

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 09:40

Maybe because I have no siblings I'm missing the point, but we weren't excluding them from the wedding - we had the reception just for them, it was the 20 mins in the registry office we wanted for ourselves!

If sil or anyone else for that matter, wanted a private ceremony, and then a reception, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid about it.

OP posts:
timmette · 02/06/2009 09:40

For me wedding are either with children or without - i.e no age restrictions.
Your sis in law has made her choice - so just explain that you are a family and are not prepared to leave your dd at home as such your dh will be attending and you hope she has a great day.

Then can you sit down as a family with children and explain that while she is getting married she did not invite the whole family and that is her choice so only your dh will be going and that you and the kids will do something great. No need to mention which child she did or did not invite just that she did not invite the whole family.

I understand your dh should stick by you but she is also his sister - tis complicated - but this solution may just lead to peaceful family life not to be underestimated.

Monkeyandbooba · 02/06/2009 09:41

I second getting SIL to explain to your DD why she can't go.

spicemonster · 02/06/2009 09:41

I wasn't invited to one of my sisters' weddings (they got married in Australia) and the other one held hers when I was the other side of the world and couldn't afford to fly back. I wasn't remotely offended and have good relationships with them both.

Just wanted to put the perspective that not all siblings harbour resentment about not being invited to teeny tiny weddings where only mums are there.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 09:48

Gorionine

What is it about weddings that makes people so crazy?

Thanks timette, that sounds like a plan.

Spicemonster, thanks for that.

OP posts:
wolveschick · 02/06/2009 09:51

Macherie, I'm not as eloquent as other posters but I have been in similar position with ILs and my advice would just be to rise above it. Think of the wedding day when all other guests will be asking 'where is Macherie and family' all day and bridezilla will have to explain. Just be completely blunt when asked by others why you are not going/were not there without slagging her off etc so you can hold your head up. She cant exclude you from a church anyway so you could all go to that but who wants to go somewhere where one of you is not invited. You sound like you have a lot of patience and dignity-your DD lucky to have you.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 09:52

Even if I wanted to keep the peace, and do as she wants, I still can't get my head around the idea of me, dh and the ds's getting all dressed up to go out and leave dd behind, that would break my heart, even if I just went to the bloody ceremony and than came home.

OP posts:
motherpi · 02/06/2009 09:54

Aitch, you are positively owl-like in your wiseness!

motherpi · 02/06/2009 09:57

Ohhh bugger, thread has moved on considerably.

Still true, of course.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 09:57

Thanks wolveschick, I really appreciate that, you're really kind.

My gut instinct is to do as you say, but I don't want to make the wrong choice and have to live with the consequences for years to come.

Meant to say ages ago that the ceremony is not in church, but in a really swanky hotel, so not really possible to just bring the dcs along for that part and then take them out for a nice lunch, which I think would be a good option.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 02/06/2009 09:58

You could all get dressed and go to the church only. Then go home and have a nice time and do something fun.

I am sure the truth will be known as to why you did not attend the wedding, and you will have behaved with dignity.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 09:58

I'm such a slow typer - hard to keep up!

I do appreciate all your opinions, thanks

OP posts:
timmette · 02/06/2009 09:58

Hi Macherie I had a small wedding like you and exteneded family still managed to carry it around like bagage forever .

Be the bigger person and be calm about it - this is now my strategy about most things after bitter experiences I just say I am doing what's best for my son .

QuintessentialShadow · 02/06/2009 09:58

oh
x post

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 09:59

Sorry, X posts, that would be a great solution I think, but see above.

OP posts:
Gorionine · 02/06/2009 09:59

I would not go, but let DH and DSs go. Have a great time with your DD, no mattrer what!

QuintessentialShadow · 02/06/2009 10:00

yes I just saw that. You are between the proverbial rock....

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 10:01

What if I had a chat with SIL, suggested that (just bringing dc to ceremony, then taking them away) as a compromise?

OP posts:
Gorionine · 02/06/2009 10:05

I think it is a good idea, macherie. ( I stuggle to write your name because to me, macherie is DD1 )

Stayingsunnygirl · 02/06/2009 10:07

Since macherie's dd knows about the wedding already, I also think (and may have said earlier) that the SIL should have to explain to the little girl why she is not invited to the wedding but her brothers are.

I can see why she might want to have an age cut-off, but she must have realised how this was going to split macherie's family and how unfair and unkind this is. If you want an age limit, it's only kind to ensure that the children excluded are too young to mind.

timmette · 02/06/2009 10:07

I really wouldn't do that - she has made her choice - and it sounds a bit like going begging to her. But that's just my opinion.
Go out with your kids and have a great day.

Mumsnut · 02/06/2009 10:07

Frankly, if she gatecrashed your wedding, your dd could gatecrash hers. What's she going to do - throw a five year old out in front of everybody.

Mumsnut · 02/06/2009 10:08

Forgot the '?'

QuintessentialShadow · 02/06/2009 10:15

Personally, I would just gatecrash.

She did it to you, when you did not invite her. So clearly, she cant complain if you do the same?

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