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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 01/06/2009 23:54

They sound like a charming pair.

Latootle · 01/06/2009 23:56

macherie take her anyway, when she looks horrified say b.sitter let you down at last moment, however obviously her dress cant be brand new from monsoon get new pretty one now to be seen by sil at some point before wedding and then of course on the day. presumably NOT a sit down affair so wont matter, good luck

Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 23:58

Any ideas about what to say to my ds's about all this?

Obv, SIL and I won't be hugging at the school gates every morning, how to explain that?

OP posts:
cornsilk · 02/06/2009 00:01

Don't tell them you've fallen out. Just say that you won't be going after all, as no under 6's and you'll do something nice as a family instead.

lowrib · 02/06/2009 00:01

So, you didn't invite her to your wedding, but she showed up uninvited anyway.

Now she hasn't invited your DD, the logical answer is obvious - your DD should just turn up uninvited anyway

This solution appeals to me - it's treating her ridiculous request with the contempt it deserves, giving her a taste of her own medicine and your DD still gets to go. (She might have to sit on your lap / share a chair though if seating is limited to specific numbers)

But in reality, I can understand not wanting to go after being treated like that. Your SIL is obviously nuts, and totally self absorbed.

Regarding what to tell the kids - honesty is probably the best policy - it's bound to come out anyway, isn't it, especially if other children know e.g. her DD?

AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 00:01

oh i wouldnt' be do bothered by that tbh. i think inviting kids to play with other kids is fine. if i was having a special day etc etc i can't think that sharing it with a couple of nephews would be high on my list of priorities.

she just sounds like the type of person who would ideally have a 'no kids' rule but unfortunately for her she has kids so that's awkward. it's quite in keeping with that line to invite your boys to stop her son from being 'needy', iykwim? i wouldn't feel offended at that, particularly.

this is if you really do want a quiet life, of course. if you want to have a big fight then go for it, cos she is behaving badly. but you will have to live with teh consequences.

AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 00:03

i would strongly consider booking a holiday for the family, somewhere close enough for dh to disappear for an afternoon and evening to attend a wedding. and say to the kids that it's just a wedding for grown-ups.

cornsilk · 02/06/2009 00:05

I agree with Aitch - you could rise above it all. (I say you could as you seem to be a calm and reasonable person - I probably couldn't!) Deep down she'll know she's being a bridezilla, hence slamming down the phone when speaking to your DH.

ChippingIn · 02/06/2009 00:06

macherie - I still don't see why you don't talk to her. I know she's your DH's sister, but you are the one doing all her child care/favours, you are the one seeing her at the school gate 2x a day, you are the one hugging her, you appear to have a lot more contact with her than your DH does. The relationship you have is pretty much 'stand alone' to her also being your SIL (dyswim?), so I think you should talk to her and ask her why she thinks your DD is needy (not any old 6 year old, your daughter) and see what she has to say for herself, to you, face to face.

If she is still adamant your DD is not invited, I think your DH needs to grow some, step up to the plate and tell his sister the score - if my whole family is not invited then WE will not be coming.... and let his dysfunctional family get on with it...

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 00:08

I don't want a big fight, I just want it all to go away.

But, I would find it very difficult to just go along for appearances sake, so as not to rock the boat.

OP posts:
Poppity · 02/06/2009 00:08

Fancy waiting all that time for revenge, what a sad old bag.

I feel for your DCs, especially DD, they do so love a wedding at that age too. If it's such a splash out do, couldn't she have hired a nanny for the day to see to the little ones? That way she could be sure of them being 'kept in line'.

Can't understand it myself, I think the children make the day, and I wanted all my guests to be happy and enjoy it, not see coming along as a chore or be missing/guilty about their Dcs. I'll probably be flamed, but I think all this 'my day, my way' stuff can go a bit far sometimes. It's so much lovlier if everyone there is happy and having a nice time, not resenting some aspect of the brides behaviour.

To late now, but I would have practiced what they preach and been ignorant too, pretended I hadn't noticed that DD wasn't invited and turned up with all of them. Then if they said anything just replied 'oh, I thought that was a mistake!', but I guess you really did think it was a mistake and had to ask.

I also really would not want DH to go, but you need a very very good excuse to avoid further conflict. Does he need any minor ops that could coincide?

QuintessentialShadow · 02/06/2009 00:10

Well, if your SIL was not invited for the ceremony, but came after all, and your dd is not invited to the wedding, why shouldnt she also come after all??

Poppity · 02/06/2009 00:13

Or, go and be really loud and miserable about leaving DD with a face like a slapped arse all day.

In fact, sob uncontrollably all through the vows and then the speeches, and get hideously drunk early on and throw up all over her fecking Vivienne Westwood

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 00:14

Chipping in - I HATE confrontation (consequence of my own dysfunctional family)

And I don't really want to beg her to invite dd. Either she wants her there or she doesn't. Cleary she doesn't, so then she doesn't get the rest of us there either - from the sounds of thing she doesn't really care about that either.

So I would prefer to just ignore the whole event.

But, I have to see her every day, and I don't want to have a knot in my stomach every day as I drive up to the school gates just in case I bump into her.

Maybe I need some therapy to deal with this

OP posts:
Poppity · 02/06/2009 00:15

you with a face like a slapped arse, not DDtut at my grammar

mamas12 · 02/06/2009 00:15

poor macherie
What a family, my advice is don't get shouty with her just stay calm and reasonable and ask her, when you go back to school or when you see her again what chipping said . Make it personal to dd 'name' her etc.
As to what to tell the kids, the truth will out because your relationship will be different now so, maybe tell the boys so they could apply pressure on her dd to invite your dd, childrens indignation and sense of fairness/unfairness is v. keen.
I'm not saying ask them too, but it will come up between them. Still can't get over how she thinks it wouldn't be a big deal.
Your dh should not go if he values a 'quiet life' at home because how will he justify that to ds's?

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 00:17

Wish I had the balls to just show up with dd!

Anyone know where I might find some?

OP posts:
cornsilk · 02/06/2009 00:17

What a difficult situation. Wonder if she'll be unusually early or late tomorrow? She'll probably be dreading seeing you. After all, she's caused all this.

AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 00:18

i just think there are two issues. you thought that sil was your friend and you are hurt because she's not behaving like a friend. or an aunt, come to think of it. that's fair enough, you're going to have to work through those feelings but you can't avoid her while your doing it cos you see her twice a day.

the other thing is the wedding, which dh (rather disappointingly) still wants to go to. the best way to work that out is to get her to change her mind...

imo you shoudl say something to her, just ask her to make it under fives. and then if she won't, book the holiday and you've learned once and for all that she's a bitch. and you don't babysit for bitches.

mamas12 · 02/06/2009 00:18

Can't your dcs get to school under their own steam at all? Thereby avoiding seeing.
Tell them they are old enough now if poss.

Original poster
macherie · 02/06/2009 00:21

Poppity, you made me laugh, thanks.

I'm going off to check the calender to see if I'm pre-menstrual and that's why I feel so upset by this ridiculous nonsense.

OP posts:
HarrietTheSpy · 02/06/2009 00:21

Carrot and stick.

Just tell her outright she's acting like a weirdo and to forget about her ten year long blood fued and let dd come.

You could then say you're planning to organise some hen drinks for her with some of the other school mums and when would be a good night.

QuintessentialShadow · 02/06/2009 00:21

Why dont you tell your SIL the following:

"Look, I get your point, you have made it now, you have really managed to hurt me and dh. Do you really HAVE to hurt a 5 year old girl in the process too? Why dont you just let her come so that we dont get a family rift going over this?"

AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 00:21

"And I don't really want to beg her to invite dd. Either she wants her there or she doesn't. Cleary she doesn't, so then she doesn't get the rest of us there either - from the sounds of thing she doesn't really care about that either."

oh yes, i think so. she couldn't give a damn. shame, really. but you live and learn. it needn't mean a knot in your stomach, in a way it makes you quite powerful. she's had to reveal herself here, and it's not pretty.

AitchTwoOh · 02/06/2009 00:23

it is PERFCTLY reasonable to be upset by this, macherie, nothing to do with your menstrual cycle.

agree with harriet and QS.