To feel a bit put out at friends telling me, at the end of my impromptu visit, that they 'like to be telephoned before anyone pops in'?

[Scrumplet]

I'd understand if we'd turned up planning to stay for hours. But DS and I were in the area, and it would have seemed rude not to pop in for 10 minutes, IYSWIM. So we did, and they welcomed us in, and we chatted for 10 minutes in the garden - and then they said, "We prefer visitors to call before they pop in." They were washing up when we arrived.

Anyhow, I feel like a dog with its tail between its legs. I don't mind (in fact, rather like) friends descending on us for brief, impromptu visits - but that's me, I suppose. Were we being unreasonable to just pop in for a few minutes, unannounced?

"frankly to let someone in whilst quietly seething inside but saying nothing is extraordinarily rude to the visitor (not to say passive aggressive)"

MrsMerryHenry, I disagree. By accepting the visit although being silently pretty annoyed by the inconsideration of it, I'm not being passive aggressive, I'm being polite. Yes it's annoying and I WISH they would just call first, but I'm capable of putting my opinions to one side and just going with the flow, rather than hurt their feelings by turning them away.

Besides, I wasn't in a position to turn them away at the door because my DH answered the door while I was upstairs - what would be less "extraordinarily rude"? For me to turf them out when I came downstairs??

I guess it all comes down to the individual and the relationship you have. Some people you can be totally honest with and say it isn't a good time, and they will completely understand and not be remotely upset, while others will take great offence at being turned away and/or asked to call first, however politely you say it. You can't please everyone!

Bobble - I did say very clearly (in the same post that you quoted, I believe) that your situation was exceptional! Though since your in-laws are so insensitive over this matter it sounds as though you and DH need to be much firmer with them - presumably they're fairly thick-skinned and perhaps don't get polite hints?

For the non-insensitive visitors, there's a whole range of options between quietly seething and 'turfing someone out' when you go downstairs, isn't there? I agree that you can't please everyone, however I do maintain that if you don't tell people your feelings early on (and for the umpteenth time I emphasise that this should be done 'kindly'), you are going to make them feel very uncomfortable. I don't see the point in both parties feeling upset and uncomfortable.

It takes two to tango, etc etc. To claim that impromptu visits are rude but not be willing discuss it when the person appears is passive aggressive, whether you like it or not. If you deal with the problem 'at source' you are giving both parties the option of how to deal with it.

Gosh, this discussion is becoming heated!

Wolf: hmm...not sure London-Sheffield will be quite the 'popping in' visit I had in mind!

Can I send you some virtual cake instead? (sorry, couldn't help but nibble a slice!)

In the OP visit it sounds as she left very quickly. Was it such an unpleasant thing that her friend's husband couldn't forget his self-imposed house rules? He must be a very rigid man.

YABU - I hate it when people drop by unannounced.

But then she is being a bit of a cow for saying that to you as bluntly as she did.

Fair-dos, MrsMerry, agree that it is better to discuss it than make people uncomfortable if possible. But they don't get the numerous hints we drop, and unfortunately, if I said anything directly to them about it, they are the type to take great offence and make sure everyone knows how 'rude' i am, so unless they have children of their own soon and realise that dropping by for 2 hours at tea/bath/bedtime is a big no-no, I will have to smile and play nicely, or duck behind the sofa! lol

Have you tried using physical restraint? Just get them in a headlock next time they 'pop' round and see whether they try it again.

How incredible that they're so insensitive to your feelings and yet acutely sensitive to their own. Oafs.

we had a friend who was a popper-in (I really don't mind btw) BUT this particular time we were having a bit of afternoon delight on the living room floor. She was knocking and I could see it was her through the blinds so we said to ourselves ''ignore, and carry on..''

She then starts peering in through the winodw etc (we couldn't be seen). So then, she goes. 5 mins later, another friend comes knocking and starts ringing the phone too. When I eventually rang her back to see what the hell was so urgent, 2nd friend said the first friend had rung her, all worried as ''I could see their car was there but they didn't ansewr the door so I thought somethig dreadful must have happened''

Haha MMH! Actually, I might try molly's trick of getting jiggy of the floor as a good excuse to ignore the doorbell. sure DH would agree to that tactic!! Failing that, I will put THEM on tea/bath/bed duty and see how they like it!

Scrumplet - maybe it could have been worse, and they could have handed you a sponge and roped you into the washing up!

at that time of our lives with young childen and workimg, if dh and i were in the same room and awake at the same time, it was a miracle and nothing short of a police raid would have stopped us

I understand that a lot of people don't like others to 'pop in' and that people 'popping in' can be annoying or inconvenient (I often feel like that, even though I'd like to enjoy it more), but I completely fail to see how it is rude to knock on someones door - afterall, it's pretty much why we have door knockers and door bells isn't it??

Mollyroger, that absolutely serves you right for your afternoon goings on.

IL arrived in the afternoon when we were in ahem, bed. TB fair we new they were coming but thought we should chance it anyway they're usually late twas very

Oh and MMH thank you for my cake it was very nice and was able to have it all to myself as nobody called.

I don't mind people popping in if it is for a quick visit, but not if they end up staying for an hour or two.

What I want to know is; why do people 'pop in' when my house is a pig sty but nobody 'pops in' when I've just done all the cleaning and the place is sparkling!!! Sods law, innit

nbee84, I am so with you on that!

I don't mind anyone popping in unexpectedly as long as they are not a tidiness judgypants.

Like MIL, for example, she always pops in when you least expect it and always when the house is a tip. And them she purses her lips and starts cleaning in a pointed way!

Oh I HATE people popping in without notice including family. I think it's rude. I don't know if I would have said it like they did to you but maybe they are right to just say it as it is.

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This thread is ancient!

Definitely understand what they mean and so would my OH and parents. We're all introverts. It doesn't matter what you're doing, you have to psyche yourself up to having guests.

I wonder if in the intervening period attitudes have changed?

All those old names! SCOTTISHMUMMY bumping gums etc.

Unless you know its OK, I think popping in is inconsiderate. You're forcing someone to see you and entertain you when it convenient for you, and you feel like it; regardless of whether the feeling is mutual. Now works for you, and if it doesn't for them? Well, too bad. It takes so little time to message to check it's OK, there's no excuse to put someone on the back foot. It's simple manners. And I'm not from the south, so it's not regional either.

Lord I couldn’t say that to anyone! Friends family etc are always welcome in my house for a cuppa! Are you sure you really want to be friends with them?

YABU. I can't stand it when friends pop over without texting first. My friends know this because i'm honest about it. i think it's great your friend has been honest with you about this.