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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit put out at friends telling me, at the end of my impromptu visit, that they 'like to be telephoned before anyone pops in'?

500 replies

Scrumplet · 25/05/2009 19:22

I'd understand if we'd turned up planning to stay for hours. But DS and I were in the area, and it would have seemed rude not to pop in for 10 minutes, IYSWIM. So we did, and they welcomed us in, and we chatted for 10 minutes in the garden - and then they said, "We prefer visitors to call before they pop in." They were washing up when we arrived.

Anyhow, I feel like a dog with its tail between its legs. I don't mind (in fact, rather like) friends descending on us for brief, impromptu visits - but that's me, I suppose. Were we being unreasonable to just pop in for a few minutes, unannounced?

OP posts:
NationalFlight · 26/05/2009 20:37

The only thing I wish would pop in is my blooming belly button. The pregnancy is OVER, get that/ OVER!!

(navel gazing, actually)

Bobblebuddy · 26/05/2009 21:54

I do think it was rude of them to say it like that to you, but I also HATE it when people turn up unannounced. my B+SIL do it - did it tonight, while I am trying to get house insurance sorted out, finish off my work, feed DD, get her in bath/bed, all at once because I have to work every evening this week as I simply DO NOT have enough hours in my day, and DH was about to fix the drip under sink, yada yada, and low and behold, the door bell goes. and they are annoyingly full of tales of playing golf and watching films all over the bank holiday (they have no kids, as if I have to tell you that...) and I am trying not to just yell PLEASE GO HOME - WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

but i didn't. unlike your friends.

however - they may have only been washing up, but perhaps they were just about managing to fit in the washing up (that had been there for 3 days) before then moving on to more pressing jobs that they had just about found the time and energy and availability to tackle right there and then, and their day was planned with military precision so they could just manage to tick one thing off their looooooonnnnnnnng to-do list, and then you arrived..... Yes, maybe for only 10 minutes, but they didn't know that and it still upsets the flow of what they had planned. it just gets annoying when your plans all have to be dropped because someone couldn't just call or text and say - is this a good time?

MrsMerryHenry · 26/05/2009 22:04

I think your friends are being incredibly rude.

I think YANBU to think it might be okay to drop in - some people like it and some don't. However, as some people have already said, now at least you know the preferences of these particular friends. If you don't feel uncomfortable about seeing them again, that is!

MrsMerryHenry · 26/05/2009 22:05

Bobblebuddy - surely you could just say to your BIL, etc that it's not a good time? I'm sure you can find a more polite way to say this than the OP's friends' example!

Bobblebuddy · 27/05/2009 07:59

Tried - DH has said several times that it's best if they call first (in a polite and non-offensive way, not in the way that the OP's friends said) but it works for a few times but then gets forgotten.

I would never say anything because I know how hurtful it would be for them to hear, so I have to just grin and bear it. They just don't understand how hard it is to fit everything in when you have kids...

Ah well, such is life

Scumplet, I think YANBU for feeling hurt by what they said and when/the way they chose to say it, but I do see their point that it is better to check that it is a good time before popping in.

differentnameforthis · 27/05/2009 08:18

I don't think it was rude to point it out, tbh. IMO, it was rude to pop in unannounced! You never know what they are doing!

I hate hate hate it when people turn up uninvited. I like to know when people are likely yo decend on me. For example, I like to get ready for bed early. Some mornings (beforeI joined the many mums on the school run) I would do the housework in my pjs & once I'd finished put them in the wash & have a shower.

One time my friend turned up when I was having a nap post 1st baby. Just got dd to sleep & went to lie down & her knocking woke the both of us. She stayed for well over an hour while I tried to comfort a tired dd back to sleep...not happy!

I don't understand why you are so put out about your friends being honest!

differentnameforthis · 27/05/2009 08:37

uninvited/unannounced

cthea · 27/05/2009 08:53

I think you should have phoned beforehand. But also called them first to let them know you're going to make a phone call later. And on an on.

It's never a good time when you have children. Perhaps we should just give up on social life.

wolfnipplechips · 27/05/2009 10:00

YANBU how very rude of them. I was just thinking the other day how much i miss people just popping in. I'm Irish and i don't know if it cultural but when i'm home at my mums everybody just pops in.

She lives on the promonade and sometimes old school friends who don't even know i'm home drop in to say hello to her. The only person here who drops in is an aussie mate and i admit its not always convienient but its always a good chance to stop what i'm doing. The very fact that she drops in means she knows my house will probably be in a state of chaos but its clean under the childrens toys strewn everywhere.

MrsMerryHenry · 27/05/2009 10:01

FWIW I love it when people pop by unannounced! I think it's flattering if someone enjoys my company so much that they'd make an impromptu visit when they could be doing something else.

Yes, of course there are times when it's not convenient - but that's just life, whether or not you have children. So why not just tell them so, politely? I don't think that's a reason to get narked, and frankly to let someone in whilst quietly seething inside but saying nothing is extraordinarily rude to the visitor (not to say passive aggressive).

On that note Bobblebuddy's relatives sound especially inconsiderate but I think they're by far the exception - most of us would be mortified to be told on the doorstep that our impromptu visit has come at a bad time. Only the very, very few totally self-centred of us would ignore this and keep visiting without calling.

There seem to be a lot of people on this thread who prefer advance planning to spontaneous visits, so I thought I'd redress the balance a little.

OP - you sound like you're probably naturally a spontaneous person - this is a great quality to have, and don't let your rude friends crush it!

cthea · 27/05/2009 10:22

I also think it's nice to pop by. You don't need to make plans weeks in advance only to cancel them at the last minute because one or other of the children is ill, or having finally managed to see each other cut it short because one or other of the children is having an off day etc. It's one of the things I really disliked when on maternity leave, how my day had to be pre-ordained like this and then being let down at the last moment. I could understand it, but it still pissed me off.

wolfnipplechips · 27/05/2009 10:30

In fact i'd love somebody to pop by right now, its raining and i can't think what to do with ds and would love coffee biscuits and a chat.

WinkyWinkola · 27/05/2009 10:31

Why don't you call up a friend, Wolf and see if they're free?

MrsMerryHenry · 27/05/2009 10:31

wolfnipple - where are you? I'll pop by with cthea! Will bring CAKE!

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 27/05/2009 10:40

I don't feel your friends were rude at all, they were just being honest. I'd have probably said the same thing myself at the end of the visit so that it wouldn't happen again and next time (with 10 mins prior notice) I could tidy round, invite you in, spend some time you you and show you some hospitality rather than keep you in the garden because my house was a tip.

MrsMerryHenry · 27/05/2009 10:45

But James, don't you think they should have said so before letting her in? The OP has clearly gone home mortified that she's inconvenienced and annoyed her friends. All they needed to do was say at the beginning that it wasn't a great time. That IMO is very rude.

cthea · 27/05/2009 10:48

James - just how likely is it that your friend will call next time?

MrsMerryHenry · 27/05/2009 10:50

I was thinking the same thing, Cthea. If I were your friend and you behaved like that I would revise my opinion of you and be far less likely to visit you again - planned or not.

MrsMerryHenry · 27/05/2009 10:51

Sorry - the 'if I were your friend' comment was for James, not Cthea!

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 27/05/2009 10:56

Mrsmerryhenry I saw it the other way round- they let her in, spoke to her for ten minutes and presumably were nice, then mentioned at the end that it'd be nice if she called first next time. If they'd have said it as soon as they came to the door I'd have thought it was a bit dismissive, like "you haven't called so I'm not even going to chat on the doorstep to check you're ok"

cthea, I would have explained why too (maybe the people in the op's situation should have, too) so hopefully the dropper-inner would gone away without hurt feelings or feeling rejected but being clear that I prefer some prior notice.

cthea · 27/05/2009 10:59

I suppose it depends how it's done but TBH I can't imagine a tactful way of saying "you're not such a good friend after all, i'd still rather put on my make up and clean my house so you can see me in my perfection".

MrsMerryHenry · 27/05/2009 11:00

Fair enough that we've interpreted it differently, James, however if you're hoping not to hurt the visitor's feelings, it's always going to be worse if you wait until the end of their visit. At least if you tell them kindly on the doorstep that it's not a great time, you give them the choice of whether to be an overbearing oaf or whether to give you the space you need. If you let them in and tell them afterwards, they will end up feeling that they've been an overbearing oaf but will be helpless to change that situation.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 27/05/2009 11:04

This really is a case of different strokes for different folks.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 27/05/2009 11:08

I HATE impromptu visits and prefer a text or phone call to check it's okay. I think it's rude not to check it's okay first. DH's family always do it... they also text each other every day about other stuff. Not sure why they can't just text to ask if it's convenient too.....

I probably wouldn't have had the guts to say it to you like that, and I can see it was embarrassing for you, so YANBU for feeling a but hurt.

TBH I'd LOVE to have the guts to let people know that I hate it....

wolfnipplechips · 27/05/2009 11:11

Sorry supervising toddler painting, up north in sheffield MMH, call in anytime, espescially with cake