To feel a bit put out at friends telling me, at the end of my impromptu visit, that they 'like to be telephoned before anyone pops in'?

[Scrumplet]

I'd understand if we'd turned up planning to stay for hours. But DS and I were in the area, and it would have seemed rude not to pop in for 10 minutes, IYSWIM. So we did, and they welcomed us in, and we chatted for 10 minutes in the garden - and then they said, "We prefer visitors to call before they pop in." They were washing up when we arrived.

Anyhow, I feel like a dog with its tail between its legs. I don't mind (in fact, rather like) friends descending on us for brief, impromptu visits - but that's me, I suppose. Were we being unreasonable to just pop in for a few minutes, unannounced?

Nope. Any ‘popping in here’ would end with head on a spike.

@Moomoo75

Are you new to Mumsnet? It isn't the best form to resurrect a zombie thread (a thread that is more than a year old).

Next time, start one a new thread of your own if that particular topic interests you.

Aww I was pregnant with DC1 when this was posted, he’s taller than me now.

I wonder if the OP and the poppees are still friends.

I don't like people popping in. Could you not have texted in advance to see if it was convenient?

So tell us what has happened OP, in the past 13 years? Are you still friends with the washing up couple? Did you ever pop in again or did you change your ways?

This thread shows how times have changed! In 2022 it would be an almost unanimous YABU. In 2009 it wasn’t so clear cut.

I would hate someone "dropping" in to see me, but then I do have both physical and mental health problems. But, yes, I am from the South, and when my mum in the 1960's had a friend come around, or she visited a friend (with me in tow) they they would have already arranged the visit by telephone.

So in my younger adult years I would have thought someone was quite rude to not have checked if it was convenient first. At anytime throughout my adult life I would have, and still would, consider someone wanting to visit for even 10 minutes on a weekend, and therefore a 'family day', very rude indeed. At a weekend I wouldn't even want a phone call suggesting it, as I would not like to have to say no.

I know I sound very grumpy, and as if I don't deserve any friends (I probably don't), but the only counter argument I can give, is that if, however, a friend has any kind of an emergency, they know they can ring me anytime, day or night, and that I will do whatever I can to help, even if that means my husband and I driving several hours to get to them to eg help look after their children, or to collect their dog and bring it back to our house, if say, they had to go into hospital, or just to hold their hand, make them cups of tea, encourage them to eat etc.

So, sorry OP I do think you were being unreasonable in two ways, firstly because you didn't even text first to see if it was convenient for them, and secondly for being upset that they have asked you not to do that again. It can't have been easy for your friend to give you that message, but if her home is her safe sanctuary you should feel pleased that she felt she could tell you, and thatshe doesn't just hide like I do whenever anyone comes knocking unexpectedly!

Lol, I have just seen that this is a resurrected thread, I don't suppose OP will get to read my reply now 😂

Times have changed! It would definitely be YABU now.

I love people popping in. If it's not convenient at that moment I can always say

I don’t see it as rude, I see it as then being honest. I absolutely hate peoples Judy popping in, I think it’s rude not to check it’s ok first.

I hate, hate, hate pop ins. People who know me know this.

I think it’s reasonable to feel put out in this situation, if you’re a popper who has known them for years. It’s like they’re telling you they’ve never enjoyed your visits.

@Scrumplet

Thanks for posts. Hmm. It's obviously a different-strokes-for-different-folks thing. They are old friends - I know them both really well. This has never come up before, and I assumed it would be OK to just pop in briefly for a few minutes, being in the area. They could always not answer the door if it was a really bad time, no? What would we have done before mobile phones?!

Oh well. I know now. I hope they and others will still descend unannounced on me, though.

Mobile phones have been the norm for over twenty years. The ‘what would we have done before mobiles’ line doesn’t really wash any more.

@Chasingaftermidnight

This thread shows how times have changed! In 2022 it would be an almost unanimous YABU. In 2009 it wasn’t so clear cut.

This!! I didn’t realised this was a zombie thread and was shocked at how sympathetic to OP the replies were, and the value people saw in friends being sociable and polite 🤣🤣. Definitely wouldn’t see that kind of attitude on mumsnet 2022: these days everything is about how individuals are entitled to have and communicate their boundaries.

@ThanksItHasPockets it maybe washed a little better in 2009, when this thread was started.

I think most people like to have a text or a call first - seems that the days of popping in are gone now most people have a phone and call send a quick message. Pretty rude to say though

I am a popper inner without warning but have learnt to subdue my popping in urges.
Same here and as a result I don't see people much anymore as the only time I got to pop in would be dh being called to work in a certain place when I could drop everything and come too and we'd only have a tiny window (I live a few hours from my family and friends). I get it because I run around like a mad thing to clean when people are coming but it's a pity

I shake my head at this modern world sometimes. When I was young people didn't have to phone ahead to announce that they were "popping in", and the majority of people were happy to see visitors. How have we got to this stage?

Your "friends" were very rude, and I'm afraid they wouldn't be getting any more visits from me.

Zombie

Zombie

Zombie

I think people are back to “popping in”. Covid isn’t the thing it was.

My house is messy and there’s no where to hide.if I open the front door they can see all the way through to the only room, a living dining room. Even worse most come round the back, straight into the living dining room.
Despite knowing I hate it I have people “ popping round “ the whole time because “ it’s only me” even during Covid.
Annoying.

YABU I wouldn’t want anyone turning up without phoning/ texting first. I do think the way they said it was rude though.

She had the choice whether she opened the door or not.
She could have either hidden in the back room and pretended she was out, or opened the door and said "Sorry, I'm not feeling great today".
With that in mind I don't think you were being unreasonable. She was very rude to say that, particularly after she'd welcomed you in and you'd sat and had a chat together.
I would have been quite hurt to be honest.

I hate spontaneous visits; I like to know before so I can tidy. Even a quick call DS and I are in the neighbourhood thought we'd pop by for ten minutes at x time if that works for you? You can achieve a lot in a quick ten minute clean before guests arrive.

@WhiteFish

oh i always wonder what ringing up types are DOING that they think they cant be disturbed

I hope they say that to mates when they haev some terrible illness and NO ONE comes to see them

In my case I’m usually dealing with my disabled husband. Does preserving his dignity meet your criteria?

Everybody has a phone these days. Even 5 minutes before coming to visit would be fine as then they can decline if it doesn’t suit their plans.
You meant well, but just because surprise visit suits you, it doesn’t mean it suits your friends. Be thankful they told you and aren’t silently seething.