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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel a bit put out at friends telling me, at the end of my impromptu visit, that they 'like to be telephoned before anyone pops in'?

500 replies

Scrumplet · 25/05/2009 19:22

I'd understand if we'd turned up planning to stay for hours. But DS and I were in the area, and it would have seemed rude not to pop in for 10 minutes, IYSWIM. So we did, and they welcomed us in, and we chatted for 10 minutes in the garden - and then they said, "We prefer visitors to call before they pop in." They were washing up when we arrived.

Anyhow, I feel like a dog with its tail between its legs. I don't mind (in fact, rather like) friends descending on us for brief, impromptu visits - but that's me, I suppose. Were we being unreasonable to just pop in for a few minutes, unannounced?

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 09/03/2022 00:11

Haha Sparklers Grin

Midlifemusings · 09/03/2022 00:13

It only takes 30 seconds to send a text saying we are in your area and would love to stop by if you have a few minutes.

I hate when people pop in unannounced. There are a million things that could be going on that a pop in visit inconveniences and if I am free, I still want 5 minutes to put a bra on or shove the dirty dishes into the oven. It is so easy to text that I think showing up unannounced at a door should be a thing of the past.

Ducksurprise · 09/03/2022 00:15

I love old threads being reactivated . Wish I could reactivate 2009

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2022 00:15

@FlibbertyGiblets

18.

Haha Sparklers Grin

You'll be able to retire soon. Grin I wonder if the OP is still around?
Twobirdsinatree · 09/03/2022 00:15

YABU

Call or text before you pop round someones House.. just because you would be happy with surprise visitors doesnt mean that other people will be comfortable with it. Not everyone is the same. They've made it clear they like a warning before anyone calls on them and thats totally valid... dont take it personally because I'm sure you can see on this thread that quite a lot of people don't like annanounced visitors.
I'm someone who absolutely hates people just dropping by unannounced... even the people I love most in the world.... triggers my anxiety massively. Id personally appreciate just a text warning a few hours before hand. Luckily the majority of my friends feel similarly so its rarely an issue.
I think you are taking this a bit too personally. If this person is really your friend just make a mental note of them not being into surprise visitors and make sure to just give them a quick text beforehand if you feel like going round there again. I dont think this is something to be mortally offended about. It might seem a bit odd to you if you are an extrovert or very sociable or come from a big close knit family or something.... but not everyone is the same and this can be an issue for some people and is actually quite common

Twobirdsinatree · 09/03/2022 00:16

Lol its from 2009!!
Well this still stands JUST TEXT FIRST!!!

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2022 00:19

@Ducksurprise

I love old threads being reactivated . Wish I could reactivate 2009
I was just thinking that my two DC were at First and Middle school when this thread started, they're in their twenties now. Lady Gaga was singing Poker Face about that time.
DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 09/03/2022 00:20

Always phone or message first!

StoppinBy · 09/03/2022 00:20

Unannounced visitors are the worst. They make me feel anxious and stressed and I can hardly enjoy the visit at all. Calling 20 minutes ahead gives me enough time to pick up all the kiddie junk off the floor, vacuum the loose dog hair up, make sure dishes are in the dishwasher and give the toilet and bathroom a wipe over. Then I can welcome you in with a smile.

I'd never 'just pop in' anywhere with out making a call first, and that includes even my Mum.

I don't think she was in any way rude or out of line to ask you to call next time.

FlibbertyGiblets · 09/03/2022 00:21

No retiring for me, have you SEEN gransnet? They take no prisoners, yikes!

DPotter · 09/03/2022 00:25

It does seem to be a recent phenomenon of actively disliking impromptu visitors, along with reluctance to actually speak to people on the phone. Strangely it seems to me, that with all the means of communication we have at our disposal, we as a society are more reluctant to talk to each other, preferring to have a barrier between us. We email, text, want to be forewarned of visitors rather than seeing each other in person and talking face to face. And it isn't just the knock on effect of lockdowns and Covid. It's a shame.

alltheapples · 09/03/2022 00:27

@StoppinBy

Unannounced visitors are the worst. They make me feel anxious and stressed and I can hardly enjoy the visit at all. Calling 20 minutes ahead gives me enough time to pick up all the kiddie junk off the floor, vacuum the loose dog hair up, make sure dishes are in the dishwasher and give the toilet and bathroom a wipe over. Then I can welcome you in with a smile.

I'd never 'just pop in' anywhere with out making a call first, and that includes even my Mum.

I don't think she was in any way rude or out of line to ask you to call next time.

I would rather not put you to all that bother for a quick 10 min pop in.

And I cant fathom not being able to pop into your mums. That seems so alien to me.

Lunificent · 09/03/2022 00:27

A text warning is even worse as then you have time to dread it.

alltheapples · 09/03/2022 00:30

Why be friends with people you don't want to talk to for even 10 minutes?

Twobirdsinatree · 09/03/2022 00:37

Id never pop in unannounced to my own parents... luckily my mum is exactly the same as me and would never pop round without texting first either...
Some people find it stressful. I dont see whats so hard to accept about that or why its such an affront?
This is the age old introvert/extrovert war...
Everyone is just different. Factor in that some people need to be given prior warning otherwise they find it stressful. Its not a new phenomenon at all its just that people talk about it more openly now. Certain people, quite a high number of people in fact, find social interaction a little stressful even with people they know and love so they just benefit from a little bit of warning... what is so shocking and hard to accept about that?

Sparklingbrook · 09/03/2022 00:41

This is the age old introvert/extrovert war...

Well at least 2009. Grin

5foot5 · 09/03/2022 00:44

@Moomoo75

WHY WHY did you resurrect a 13year old thread?

I can never understand why or how people do this.

I even found a post I made back when this thread was new in 2009.
Please explain @Moomoo69 why you thought posting to such an old thread might be well received

Twobirdsinatree · 09/03/2022 00:45

The introvert/extrovert war has been raging on mumsnet since its birth! Seconded only by the people who shower twice a day/people who shower every other day war

StoppinBy · 09/03/2022 00:51

@alltheapples To be fair..... you're not putting me to all that bother.... my laziness is lol.

I actually like announced visitors as the motivation to tidy/clean the house gets things done a lot faster than usual hahaha.

My Mum wouldn't mind if I popped in on her but I feel rude doing it knowing how I feel about people just dropping by. I like to give everyone a chance to say No or to tidy quickly if they need/want to.

TheOriginalEmu · 09/03/2022 00:54

I hate people turning up unannounced. I’m very introverted and need time to prepare time to prepare for social interactions, even with people I like a lot. She’s just being honest.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 09/03/2022 01:13

Times have changed, and it’s really not OK to turn up at someone’s house, unannounced, and expect to be invited in, even just for 10 mins.

9 out of 10 people will really not appreciate it.

I’m one of the 1 out of 10s - I’m sociable and love seeing my friends, so I personally wouldn’t have a problem with people doing it to me.

But I’d never dream of doing it to others. Even good, old friends.

It’s just monumentally rude to land on someone’s doorstep and assume it’s convenient for them.

How hard is it just to drop a quick message - ‘in the neighbourhood, will drop in quickly to say hi’, just to give a bit of pre-warning - AND the opportunity for them to say, ‘sorry, doesn’t suit’.

Surely that’s far better than them seething throughout your visit, and then saying ‘please don’t do that again’.

That is so awkward, OP.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 09/03/2022 01:15

OMG - this thread is nearly as old as my first-born…. 😑

ShippingNews · 09/03/2022 01:27

But DS and I were in the area, and it would have seemed rude not to pop in for 10 minutes, IYSWIM

Sorry I don't see what you mean at all . You knew that you were in the area, but presumably these friends didn't know that . So why would you think it would "seem rude not to pop in". Unless they were clairvoyants and "knew" you were around , they were probably just going about their day with no idea that you would suddenly appear. Just call ahead next time .

BOOTS52 · 09/03/2022 01:50

I think they were just been straight up and some of us are the same but I probably would have worded it differently. I grew up in a house that the key was always in the door and people always popping in and my poor mum never got a second to herself but she was always good natured and making tea/food for everyone. I am now the opposite and most I know would text or ring. Don't take it personally really as just how some of us are and at least they told you. You are the opposite and don't mind others just popping in.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/03/2022 02:04

@Tee2072

I hate when people just pop in, but I certainly wouldn't tell them that! At least not at that moment!
Agree. I would send a text or e-mail later saying "Great to see you -- call again if you are in the area and maybe we can meet up somewhere."