To think that good manners in children are overrated?

[mrsruffallo]

Manners seem so important to some parents. Personally, I don't believe in forcing them to say sorry, please, thank you, hello, goodbye etc.
If it is a genuine emotion they say it naturally anyway
AIBU?

I have to remind my 3yo to say Thankyou, Please, Sorry when it is needed.

Its good manners.

Miyazaki - she sounds like my dd

And she is so kind. We had an easter egg hunt in our back garden and completely unprompted, she held back and made sure that all the younger children got eggs and had a lovely time. I was v proud.

Manners should be taught by example. IMO a tiny toddler should not be repeatedly forced to say please, thank you, good bye etc. If as a parent you set a good example and consistently encourage them to say the correct things when needed that is fine and they will soon start to say it for themselves when they see they get a positive reaction. Making a huge scene over it is overreacting I think. An older child say over 5 should however know how to be polite and I would expect to hear please, thank you etc consistently and would insist they did so if they forgot.

YABU.

I think that it is INCREDIBLY important to have good manners, not only because we live in a society with other people (and manners do make getting along with people slightly easier) but because it does instill in children that things should not be taken for granted. I truly believe that learning to say "please" and "thank you" rather than just grabbing or taking shows that there is some thought behind recieving.

hi othersideofthechannel

it was an illuminated globe.....

To OP (have only skimmed thread) why wouldn't children know the use and meaning of customary words of politeness? My ds always says please and thank you without prompting and when we are in the car will thank other road users and asks to be excused at the end of a meal etc. He even tells me off if I forget. He is also kind and considerate to other children and adults (he will be the first to comfort another child who is upset).

He is 4 and I am not alone in thinking he is lovely.

AramintaCane
I wasn't referring in my post about any child who might have a disorder - I was responding to the OP's question about whether it is necessary to instill good manners in a child. If we started having to take into consideration every disorder or exception to the rule whenever we reply to posts, we'd never have any sort of debate, it would just get silly.

As far as picking up manners goes, I don't necessarily agree that it is always picked up without any sort of encouragement being required. DH and I are polite and are always careful to behave appropriately, saying thank you and please etc but we still have to remind our dcs on occasion (a couple of them more than others!) to say thank you when they're given something. In my opinion,it's not acceptable to just shrug and say "he doesn't understand it" because at a very young age children can grasp the notion of acknoledging that they've been given something. DS4 made grubts as please and grunts for thank you by the time he was a year old - and waiting until a child is 3 to bring any sort of manners into the equation is, to my mind, a bit late!

YABU. Very few people like rude children or rude adults. Manners are the oil that greases the cogs of society and like it or not, we live in society.

Thanks daftpunk

People do not like rude children and when they get to secondary school it is painfully obvious which children have been brought up with manners and which haven't.

You wouldn't believe the number of children aged 11+ who demand pens and pencils and paper without even a please. They snatch things from you and yell OI to get your attention.

They swear at you when you ask them to do something and shout in your face if they are told off.

I resent having to teach teenagers manners when that is their parents' job.

Florence, I think going to secondary school does that for some children. Most of my children have gone through a very rude phase during the first term of y7.
When I pulled my eldest son when he was going through it, he replied that's how you had to behave to get through in school and it was a bit difficult to switch off once you got home. I now expect a period of unpleasant behaviour once they transfer to secondary. Thankfully it has been resolved before the end of y7.

OP - I think YABVVU.

Being polite is a sign of weakness...
There's no point in teaching children to say please and thank you before they're old enough to start school...
Using words of kindness and respect to your fellow man is over-rated...

Well excuse me for being ever so slighlty pleased with myself, but one of the things that I always mentioned in my DCs reports is how polite and helpful they are - even DS#1 who is now in Yr7 It does matter. Well it matters to me.

And one of my friends invited us over to a BBQ last summer with her parents who commented that our DC were 'polite. Polite but happy' which made me LOL a little. Implying as it seems to that most children are only polite under duress

Manners are important.However i knoqw quite a few well=mannered children who bullies or mean spirited , selfish ,inconsiderate little gits.
So for me 'what they do ' is more important than 'what they say'

funtimewincies you had me going there for a secong, I thought you were serious?

KAtiestar you are right, no point in being well mannered if you're also a little shit, but hopefully as you are teaching your childrne manners you are also teaching them to think of others - although not always the case I know

'good manners in children are overrated'...until it's you that feels affronted and then it's another matter.

Manners make your way through the world a LOT easier and more pleasant. If you are not going to teach your children the basics then do not be surprised when they (and you by extension) become disliked.

Please and Thank You go a long way in this world (in whatever language you say them).

Hope for the best- that is exactly the point I was trying to make.
Belgian- I don't expect the school to teach them manners, apart from, as I do, by example.

I am sad that I don't recieve thank you cards from my nephews and neices and yet when I visit my in-laws (sisters and parents) all the thank you cards we have sent are displayed so are definately appreciated.

Good manners and insisting that your child says Ta or thank you is important. It makes the child pause and think about their action of taking or recieving something. My DS (nearly 4) automatically says "you're welcome" and "pardon me" and "excuse me". Would you prefer he didn't bother?

The little social niceties mean that people are more receptive to my children and are happy to have them around and that makes a huge difference to me. FWIW if a child didn't say thank you to me for something I normally ask them "what do you say?" and if they look at me blankly I do not judge that child, just their parents. But that said I don't hang around with people who don't have manners generally.

It is lovely to hear children with manners. To say that it sounds 'weak' to hear children/people being polite is very telling.

So many people focus on 'having rights', finding someone to blame, having the last word and being right these days, that we have become fairly unfriendly adn unkind.

It is not weak to be polite. Children with good social skills will stand a far higher chance of getting jobs in our service-orientated society. Social skills are often more important than academic ones. You want to speak to them because they are pleasant.

I think that it is very important, and it is so easy to do. You just do it yourself and they copy-even if you have to keep reminding them they get it in the end. It is sad for the DC if the parents don't bother because they are not well liked by others.