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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that good manners in children are overrated?

273 replies

mrsruffallo · 19/05/2009 11:01

Manners seem so important to some parents. Personally, I don't believe in forcing them to say sorry, please, thank you, hello, goodbye etc.
If it is a genuine emotion they say it naturally anyway
AIBU?

OP posts:
cutekids · 19/05/2009 11:28

it's amazing how many people comment on my kids' "good manners"....young people aswell as old.it is very important that children know to say Please and Thankyou.I get so uptight when kids off the estate come in and just snatch anything i give them out of my hands without a care.I am not saying my kids are angels by any means but i really feel strongly about the manners issue.

differentID · 19/05/2009 11:30

A child with good manners will be liked more than a child who snatches, won't take turns, shouts over people, never says thank you.
A child without manners gets muttered about and often the parents are muttered about as well.

Starbear · 19/05/2009 11:32

Oh! I really don't have the time to joining in Oh! A missed opportunity to join in
Manners are SOOOOOOO important! They need to be educated and will then be able to express them self clearly later on. A enthusastic 'Thank you' to the barber when a lollipop is handed over makes everyone in the shop beam. He in turn will always be treat with a smile from this man when we pass him in the street.

TotalChaos · 19/05/2009 11:34

having had a severely language delayed 3 year old, I have some sympathies with the OP, in that some kids with relatively mild SN can struggle enormously with the social aspects of communication, or even very shy kids may find it hard to say some of these or may say them inaudibly.

reach4sky · 19/05/2009 11:37

YABVU. As others have said, manners have nothing to do with genuine emotion and everything to do with being considerate of others' feelings.

Gateau · 19/05/2009 11:39

So, OP, if a relative gave one of your children a meal he/she didn't want, then you feel he/she would be justified in NOT saying thank you because they wouldn't really mean it?

daftpunk · 19/05/2009 11:40

it annoys me when you see parents forcing a child of around 18 months to say goodbye or thankyou....give the child a break.

mrsjammi · 19/05/2009 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 19/05/2009 11:42

Daftpunk, if you leave it until 4/5 years old, they'll wonder why you've suddenly started! Manners need to start from as soon as you start handing them things IMO. Probably from around 6~12 months.

I used to get many compliments when Ds was little...'what beautiful manners your son has', and that was, for instance when he was at nursery at age 3.6, so not in my presence with me encouraging him. It's the sort of thing that makes your heart swell.

bigTillyMint · 19/05/2009 11:44

YABU - it is your job to get them to understand that manners are hugely important to most people in life.

Having done the "what do you say" to my DC for the last 8+ years, I now feel so proud that they know what to say without any prompting, and even when I am not there

Clearly encouraging your children to be kind, gentle, etc is going to help them to be polite and thoughtful adults too.

FrankMustard · 19/05/2009 11:44

YABU - you get a lot further in life if you are pleasant, well mannered and know how to behave in social situations!
IMO to not encourage good manners in a young child, is unfair on them as they won't realise it now but as they gewt older, not having good manners could easily set them back and affect their friendships and relationships.
Rather than good manners in children being over rated, I actually think that good manners in ANYONE are seriously UNDER rated!! Far too few people these days have even the basics of good manners or courtesy

Gateau · 19/05/2009 11:45

DAftpunk, it's not about FORCING a child to do anything. It's about TEACHING them.

thell · 19/05/2009 11:47

Agree with Daftpunk - and saying 'sorry' too.
I taught DD when she was I suppose about 12-18 months by taking her gently over to the child in question, explaining that 'we' need to say sorry, then crouching right beside her and holding her, I would stroke the child's arm and say sorry, in a sympathetic voice. Sometimes she didn't move an inch (a sign she was taking it in), sometimes she copied me and did the same.
I was teaching her about appropriate behaviour - it does wind me up a bit when I see parents demanding their children 'say sorry' or 'share' when they are too young to already know what it means and haven't yet been taught properly.

memoo · 19/05/2009 11:47

As a TA in a reception class and sometimes nursery we do see 3/4/5 year olds who obviously haven't been taught any manners.

Its awful at snack time when they just snatch the things they are being offered without so much as a please or thankyou.

Nobody can blame the child if they clearly haven't been taught manners but it does reflect badly on the parent.

It give the impression of lazy parenting and tbh it doesn't do the child any favours as it can often be confusing to the child to suddenly be in a situation where manners are expected when they clearly haven't been taught any at home.

AramintaCane · 19/05/2009 11:47

mrsrufallo I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I totally agree and my children are very kind and lovely What really irritates me is people getting uptight when my DD2 who has Selective mutism does not say please and thank you. I have had people withold chocolate, presents, icecream because she could not manage to say please. The look of horror on their faces is OTT taking things away from her is even worse.

BonsoirAnna · 19/05/2009 11:48

There will always be culturally determined definitions of what constitues "good" and "bad" manners; people often disagree.

But on the principle of it being parents' responsibility to instill the importance of socially appropriate behaviour in their children: this is crucial.

It doesn't matter what you call it: manners, etiquette, socialisation, protocol, empathy. It's all about the same thing: fitting in to a given environment and making others feel at ease. That is a vital skill.

Ripeberry · 19/05/2009 11:51

I'm quite strict on manners and also it teaches children respect as i've seen too many parents let their kids talk to them like they are a piece of sh*t.
Also children gradualy understand that adults will appreaciate a 'Thank you' and 'Please' every now and again.

daftpunk · 19/05/2009 11:51

6 months!....blimey

i always said thank you to my children...so they were hearing it...but my dc were shy (like me)...so i didn't stress too much......they are all very polite now so i got it right.

i remember one christmas my dd burst out crying after opening her present from my mum....she was around 7 i think.....i knew then i had to work on their tact and diplomacy.

BonsoirAnna · 19/05/2009 11:53

Tact and diplomacy are a step up from manners .

DD (4.6) can manage to ask without prompting whether she may get down from the table. But she is not yet able to refrain from doing so when other children are visiting who do not spontaneously ask to get down!

AramintaCane · 19/05/2009 11:53

I don't think that mrsrufallo is devaluing kindness and consideration of others. She is saying the constant nagging of children is OTT.

Ripeberry · 19/05/2009 11:54

Just going off at a tangent here. I wonder if Japanese chat rooms talk about the 'young people' not bowing anymore and respecting their elders.
It must be much harder in societies where manners DO maketh the man or woman.

Gateau · 19/05/2009 11:54

So is that what you do thell, stroke people's arms every time you say sorry to them? OTT in my opinion!
My DS is already saying sorry and thank-you at the very young age of two. Not ALL the time, but he's getting there. And I haven't had to go to the lengths thell describes ; nor have I had to FORCE him. It's been a simple case of saying thank-you to him after he is given something, or sorry when he does something he shouldn't. Not difficult.

FrankMustard · 19/05/2009 11:55

I don't think there's anything wrong with not giving a child something until they've said please - my sons don't get what they want unless they ask for it nicely - I'm not cruel, but they need to know that you can't just demand things in life and having well mannered children is a huge advantage - people have often commented on how nicely my boys behave and how polite they are and I feel it's an important job as a parent to bring my children up with good manners and social skills.
Of course, if as a parent you have no manners, then you're going to have a harder job as the child won't be used to hearing thank you and please etc around them.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 19/05/2009 11:56

Rookiemater, your lo will suddenly start to comply though, because you do correct him. He's only 3, but you aren't ignoring his actions, you are correcting them, so he'll get it ~ eventually!

BonsoirAnna · 19/05/2009 11:56

Hello, goodbye, please and thank you are the very basics in all European cultures. If you and those around you model them rigorously your children mostly pick them up and only need a little gentle prompting.

DD manages French things like kissing very old ladies on the cheek that I have never taught her - she has just seen them modelled consistently by the society around her!