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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to MIL visiting in morning of DS's birthday?

142 replies

JemL · 15/05/2009 13:34

DS will be three soon, and we are having a party for him at my auntie's house - she has a huge garden, so we can have bouncy castle, etc. it is mainly family and a few friends - we do it every year, and both mine and DH's family come, which is lovely. This year, DS's birthday falls on a Saturday, so we are having his party on the actual day - in the afternoon.

MIL asked if she could come round in the morning to give him his presents - although she will be seeing him all afternoon at the party. We have said no - I want to spend the time with DH and DS alone, especially as I am pregnant and it will be the last year DS is only child (pre-emptive nostalgic sniff)plus we will be leaving late morning to go and set up party stuff, so it will only be a few hours in the morning that we will have time, just us together.

She is now going round telling family members that I - not we, I - "won't let" her see her grandson on his birthday. She isn't being light hearted and joky about it - she is being quite unpleasant. According to what we have been told, she uses it as a starting point to launch into a criticism of us, our parenting, and our son's behaviour.

Am I being unreasonable and precious to say no to visiting, and to feel annoyed that I am being made out to be a bitch for it?!?!

OP posts:

Tamarto · 15/05/2009 13:36

YANBU.

Surely family members know about the party so will know she's speaking crap?

lilackaty · 15/05/2009 13:37

What would your ds prefer? Would he rather it just be you, dh and him or would he like to see his granny?
I understand her wanting to see him on his own apart from the party. Could she come for lunch the next day?

Lulumama · 15/05/2009 13:37

i think you are being a bit unreasonable.

she wants to see her grandson privately before the party, to give him his gift.

i thikn it is lovely she wants to make the extra effort

but that does not give her carte blanche to be rude about you ,but i can understand why she feels hurt

surely her popping in for a half hour is ok, i presume she does not want to stay for hours?

belgo · 15/05/2009 13:41

Agree with lulumama. Not surprised you mil is upset. She just wants to give her grandson her present in private, why on earth won't you let her? You sound very rude.

BettySwollux · 15/05/2009 13:41

Agree with lulu

Paolosgirl · 15/05/2009 13:42

Think you're being a bit unreasonable. How about suggesting that she pops round late morning for a half an hour - I would imagine by then he'll have been up for around 4/5 hours, so will probably love to see his granny by that point.

Am v. that you have a MIL who a)lives close by and b)wants to spend any time with her granchildren. In 12 years, my MIL has looked after my DS for one afternoon when he was 3 months old, and one evening to let dh go with me when I was taken into hospital suffering from horrendous morning sickness.

lilackaty · 15/05/2009 13:42

I should have waited a couple of minutes - I agree with lulu.

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2009 13:43

Can see both sides here.

I don't have kids but have millions of nephews/ neices who I buy presents for at birthdays and christmas.

If it's an 'en masse' affair then the present will be chucked to one side without the receiver even looking at me, never mind acknowleging it.

Your MIL may well feel that she is close enough to your DS to want to have special 'here's your present' time with him, without the hordes making it a totally impersonal experience.

But of course, slating you to others is totally unacceptable. At the end of the day it is up to you.

lal123 · 15/05/2009 13:43

Ithink YABU - your Dss birthday should be about what will make him happy, not about you trying to ceate nostalgia to look back on. If I was her I'd be pretty pissed off with you.

Thunderduck · 15/05/2009 13:43

YABVU and precious.

stinkymonkey · 15/05/2009 13:43

She's going a bit OTT, but you are being selfish. What does your DH think?

smallorange · 15/05/2009 13:45

Aw just let her come round and give him his present FFS.

COuld she look after him while you set the party up?

jellybeans · 15/05/2009 13:45

YANBU at all, she will see him later. She is using bullying tactics.

LilRedWG · 15/05/2009 13:45

Why not just arrange for her to get there half an hour before you leave to set up the party, so she gets some special time with her grandson before the party.

jumpingbeans · 15/05/2009 13:46

Bet it would be okay if it was your mum that wanted to pop round in the morning, these threads make me love my dil so much, ffs at three your child proberly don't even understand "birthday"

buggylovinmummy · 15/05/2009 13:46

But then if her MIL comes round to give her grandson his gift in private then surely HER mum will want to do the same and they wont have any alone time with their ds on his birthday.

I think you are DEFINATLY NOT being unreasonable, especially as she will see him at the party anyway.

Stick to your guns

LilRedWG · 15/05/2009 13:48

I must ask, how does DH feel about this, as you said, "I want to spend the time with DH and DS alone", not we want to be alone.

I am not excusing her ruse behaviour at talking about you, but you are being a little precious.

lucky1979 · 15/05/2009 13:48

Why not let her come around on the Friday early evening for tea and to do presents then? That way she gets some private time and you get your family morning.

lal123 · 15/05/2009 13:48

what are you going to do "alone together" that will be so much fun for your DS? Don't you have time alone with him outwith his birthday?

saadia · 15/05/2009 13:48

I think YABVU, she wants to do something nice and I think you should think of her as part of your family, can't she be a part of your nostalgia-creating? (BTW I have two dss so am already able to sympathise with the left-out feeling that MILs can get with their DILs).

Bucharest · 15/05/2009 13:49

Is she not going to the family do later on then?
If not, then I'd let her come round, otherwise of course YANBU. Your son would probably get massively over-excited/tired before his proper party if you let everyone just drop in willy nilly.

LilRedWG · 15/05/2009 13:49

FWIW, I can also be the same as you, but certain things recently have made me realise that wider family means a massive amount to my three year old and she was delighted when Granny came to see her specially on her birthday.

booyhoo · 15/05/2009 13:49

i think you are quite right to want to spend time with DH and Ds alone, however, i imagine that you wont spend the whole morning sitting with ds, there will be things you need to do, ie dishes, washing, preparing food for party, it would be an ideal chance for your MIL to spend half an hour with him before his party, i dont agree with her being rude about you to other people but i can understand her being annoyed. would half an hour be such an intrusion on your morning?

MIAonline · 15/05/2009 13:50

TBH, you can do what you want with your Ds on his birthday, but you have to accept that you will hurt MIL feelings if you did not offer an alternative i.e we are busy in the morning, how about coming here after the party?

That said, she has no right to slag you off and I don't agree that you should always 'roll over' and do things to please other people (even though I invariably do!) if you want the morning with your DS and DH that's fine.

frasersmummy · 15/05/2009 13:52

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all

I think you should stick to your guns.. you need some family time with your ds.

MIL sounds like she wants to be singled out as favourite relative

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