To say no to MIL visiting in morning of DS's birthday?

[JemL]

DS will be three soon, and we are having a party for him at my auntie's house - she has a huge garden, so we can have bouncy castle, etc. it is mainly family and a few friends - we do it every year, and both mine and DH's family come, which is lovely. This year, DS's birthday falls on a Saturday, so we are having his party on the actual day - in the afternoon.

MIL asked if she could come round in the morning to give him his presents - although she will be seeing him all afternoon at the party. We have said no - I want to spend the time with DH and DS alone, especially as I am pregnant and it will be the last year DS is only child (pre-emptive nostalgic sniff)plus we will be leaving late morning to go and set up party stuff, so it will only be a few hours in the morning that we will have time, just us together.

She is now going round telling family members that I - not we, I - "won't let" her see her grandson on his birthday. She isn't being light hearted and joky about it - she is being quite unpleasant. According to what we have been told, she uses it as a starting point to launch into a criticism of us, our parenting, and our son's behaviour.

Am I being unreasonable and precious to say no to visiting, and to feel annoyed that I am being made out to be a bitch for it?!?!

I don't think YABU. It would be a lot for a 3 year old to cope with what with getting ready and stuff.
I also think the compromise of seeing him the next day on top of seeing him at the party is more than reasonable.
If she only came round for an hour in the morning that probably wouldn't be enough or something else would be wrong.

Honestly. My MIL is lovely fortunately.

BUT if she was running around slagging me off, I'd really struggle to let her in my house full stop!

On that basis, YANBU

yanbu

YANBU. Your MIL has no automatic right to intrude on your time like this or change your plans for you. There could be many valid reasons why you don't want visitors on the morning of the party. She should just respect what you say and be grateful that she has a grandchild and a lovely party to go to. Also, after the party, ask your DH to tell her that people have been repeating what she has said.

YANBU

Do as you planned on your ds birthday. Spend some quite quality time together before his party.

Then afterwards stop reminding your dh to contact her. His mother his problem. I did this after my MIL & SIL said some hurtful (I was having a MC and they were making comments to me about never knowing what it be like to have children) so i left it to DH to contact them and as he realy doesn't have a good relationship with them they lost/lose out because he only contacts them every 3/4 months.

It is very interesting to see how this thread has split opinions. I wonder if those who think YABU having "nice, non interferring" inlaws and those that think YANBU have "inlaws from hell".

All I know is that my DD (5) would absoluately LOVE her grandma/grandad to come over on her birthday - unfortunately that will never happen as they have all passed away, so I am SOO grateful that my mum came round the morning of DDs 1st birthday party because she was dying of cancer on her 2nd....

Sorry to sound preachy and morbid (actually it has made me cry) but I really do think that you should be grateful and cherish your inlaws whilst you can... you children will have lovely memories to look back on.

Sorry to hear that Heifer. And you are quite right in my case, I do have the original ILs from hell and coincidently I do tend to side with the DILs in these matters (and yes I have all boys myself...)!

Jeml - I think YANBU
If all your relatives wanted to do what your mil wants to do (ie visit in the morning) you may as well not have the party, just invite everyone to your house in the morning .....

Go with your instinct

fwiw I have a pretty awful mil. She says some hurtful and unfair things about me to anyone who will listen. But my dc love her and think she's great. So I have to put a smile on and accommodate her, for my dcs sake.

I think it is really sensible in all these potentially difficult decisions to think through the consequences of your actions. Sometimes someone has to compromise and give way a bit for the sake of longer term harmony. Yes, it can be frustrating if you feel that you are always the one giving way, but maybe it's now too emotive to tackle the bigger issue in a constructive way at the moment. Wait a couple of weeks for it all to calm down then have a proper talk about boundaries and expectations etc, when you and she are not so wound up.

Also, fwiw, I think you are being rather precious about your ds's birthday. He's only 3. What are you going to do when he's a=of school age - he might get happy birthday sung to him at school but that's about it.

If you make his birthday into a massive deal with rituals and expectations it's likely that things won't always work out and you will end up being disappointed or upset with the birthday. Just chill out a bit.

My in-laws are lovely. So lovely that if I said no, I wanted time on our own on the morning of our ds's birthday, they would be more than happy with this and look forward to the party. And they would be very happy to come the following day for some extra 'special' time with ds.

That's because, no matter how much they love him and love spending time with him, they understand that we want time on our own with him too.

yabu and mean

Why does the MIL get to dictate the terms?

For the record, I don't have ILs from hell, they are very nice. They are just a bit bossy sometimes and don't ever see that we might like family time alone - seems from this thread we are the only ones who actually want that anyway.

And don't you forget that you might be a MIL one day too, and what goes around comes around etc etc.

dongles, so do you really believe the MIL should always call the shots?

They have offered to see her the next day, but no, it has to be then, on her terms.

hang on....missed the sarcasm there

I'll aim that last comment at everyone saying the OP WBU instead

That was funny stealth. I've never been accused of encouraging MILs to call all the shots before!

YABVU and mean and petty.

You may well be a MIL one day.

Your DIL may well put you through this.

Yes, you're really mean and petty to have a big party for your DS with all the relatives invited.

How dare you want some time in the morning for yourself?

Don't you know your MIL should be able to see your DS whenever she wants because she might DIE one day and then where would we all be.

So let her do what she wants in case she dies and forget what you might want on one poxy day.

lol grim.

Wholeheartedly agree with sachertortes earlier post.

Actually I think I would have said she could come a half hour before the party starts with your own parents to give them a bit more quiet time with your ds. It will also give you time to set things up while you knwo he is having a nice time. But hey, it's not up to me it's what YOU, your Ds and Dh want on his birthday and she is behaving like a rude obnoxious child because she hasn't got her own way.

In fact if I were you the way she has behvaed would make me even less likely to back down - that is saying that it's OK to go about slagging you and your parenting off every time you do something she doesn't like.

I also agree with the poster who says to make other plans for Sunday if she doesn't accept the invitation. I would ask her again at the party if she is going to come so as not to be petty but if she can't say yes or no then I would arrange to go out and do something else.

Hope you are having a lovely day by the way!

I reckon some relatives really do need to know just who is in charge! Of their own homes that is. There's an awful lot of piss takers out there who will disregard any boundaries whatsover.

Crikey she only wanted to give him a birthday present.

Waht's the point of creating alot of bad feeling over nothing?

I agree with the posters saying this is more about you having control of proceedings than about your son having a nice birthday.

"These threads always sound more about control and having the upper hand to me than the issue in question."

Yes!

That is almost always what these IL threads are about in the end. Why does anyone have to 'call the shots'? It's about making people happy isn't it. Who gives a fuck who is in charge? Give, give and give. Whose counting?