To say no to MIL visiting in morning of DS's birthday?

[JemL]

DS will be three soon, and we are having a party for him at my auntie's house - she has a huge garden, so we can have bouncy castle, etc. it is mainly family and a few friends - we do it every year, and both mine and DH's family come, which is lovely. This year, DS's birthday falls on a Saturday, so we are having his party on the actual day - in the afternoon.

MIL asked if she could come round in the morning to give him his presents - although she will be seeing him all afternoon at the party. We have said no - I want to spend the time with DH and DS alone, especially as I am pregnant and it will be the last year DS is only child (pre-emptive nostalgic sniff)plus we will be leaving late morning to go and set up party stuff, so it will only be a few hours in the morning that we will have time, just us together.

She is now going round telling family members that I - not we, I - "won't let" her see her grandson on his birthday. She isn't being light hearted and joky about it - she is being quite unpleasant. According to what we have been told, she uses it as a starting point to launch into a criticism of us, our parenting, and our son's behaviour.

Am I being unreasonable and precious to say no to visiting, and to feel annoyed that I am being made out to be a bitch for it?!?!

I think people are missing the point that the gm, who lives LOCALLY does not usually make an effort to see her gs and that they DON´t have a close relationship.

She didn´t accept the Sunday invitation so this seems more of a power struggle than anything.

how is she being excluded? she is going to the party!!

if we are talking fairness then are you suggesting that each individual family member is entitled to a private half hour each? That's ridiculous, why is one relative more important than another?

I think you are being horrible and a bit precious - she wants to see her grandson on his birthday - he is 3 it will please her and to be honest he will know no different if she is there or not really as at 3 they don't get the whole birthday thing really - they just get over excited, get lots of presents and have a fab time and then it is all over.

Get over it - he is a child and part of her family too not a bloody posession who you can demand gets shared out a certain way.

Lulu- she's going to the shindig in the afternoon and she's been invited specially the following day. How on earth is that excluding her? It's clear she just wants it on her terms.

Welll maybe she isn't encouraged to see her grandchild very often, we don't know! Why is it always the MIL in the wrong. My SIL can be very awkward to my MIL and she is absolutely lovely.

But why should the OP prioritise her MIL's feelings over her own? The MIL will be seeing her GS on his birthday, just not at the time she has specified. She can surely spend a little time with him on his own at the party and give him his present then.

Of course she wants to see her grandson on his birthday. And she is seeing him on his birthday. But, she is not content with that. And to make matters far worse- and what is more telling wrt her feelings about her DIL- she is bitching to other people about it.

The OP is perfectly within her rights to want some quiet time with her own little family unit on her son's birthday, especially, as she said, it will be his last as an 'only'.

So, JemL, if you haven't guessed- YANBU!!!!

actually, i thikn grandparents are important and can be pivotal in teh extneded family

a grandparent is usually closer than a second cousin or great aunt or whoever, so no i don;t think all relatices should have 30 minutes with the hcild, but the grandparents, if they want to , should be able to ask for special time with their grandhicldren without being berated

a grandparent who wants to spend time with their grandchildren is worth their weight in gold

at the prty, in all the melee and fuss, she won;t get a look in, and wants to spend some time alone with her grandchild

that is a good thing

my parents and ILS always spend some time with the DCs on birthdays where possible, imo and ime it adds to the specialness of the day. and they certainly love to see the DCs open their pressies.

but the day after is not his birthday

and at the party, she won;t have time alone with him

i am amazed that people think that it is interering or controlling to want to spend time with your grandchild on their birthday

These threads make me laugh though - we are not told what an old witch is in the opening thread with regards to not making an effort - not until people start disagreeing do the old dears become the miserable old bith mother in laws!

I think you have a perfect right to ask her to wait until the next day. It is important to include extended family - and you are doing that - but sometimes it is nice to enjoy the cosiness of your own immediate family, the people you live with and feel comfortable and intimate with. If I was looking forward to a bit of special time with dh and my boys, knowing that the rest of the family were invited for the party the day after, I wouldn't want anyone turning up uninvited. And yes, she DOES need to be invited - because it's your home, and your ds.

Bucharest from what I can gather the sunday afternoon thing is an after thought, which probably came a bit to late to appease her.

Sorry to butt in on this one - only just joined. My MIL is exactly like this - if she asked and then respected our decision it be fine, its the nasty comments to all and sundry afterwards when they don't get their own way that really pisses me off. I think you should stick to your guns.

I don;t think you are being unreasonable at all TBH. You are just as entitled as anyone to be allowed about to have some private family time, prior tot he party. That seems perfectly fair to me. I can certainly see why you would fancy some time just you, DH and your son on hsi birthday esp when rest of day is going to be so hectic.

I can see why MIl might want to bring his present round earlier to spend time on his own, but I don;t think she should be upst if you have explained why you want family time. She should respect that you yourself want that time together for a bit.

However could you come to a compromise?

You have to set up the party. Why not suggest she comes over a little bit before youa re due to leave, and she spends a bit of tie with your DS, and lets you go off to sort the party and she brings him over, following you after say 30 minutes or so? Or maybe she comes a bit early to the party and wacthes him there for you?

Or can you arrange a different time for her to have some one to one?

TBH, though she as to just understand that the party day is just not ideal. Whta uf yur parents thend ecide they want private time with him, and then one of his aunties, oh and then another uncle, then his godparents, etc. If you say yes to one it'd be hard to say no to others.

Well, on my dd's birthday I said No to MIL - we were having a big party for dd and her playgroup friends in the afternoon and wanted her to enjoy that, having visitors in the morning too would simply have been too much - and knowing my mil as i do- she would have come in the morning and STAYED!!!

so i invited them over for tea and cake the next day. problem solved, and that was bad enough - dd was expected to ah and oooh for each present and sit still when all she wanted to do was run around the garden. Like one poster said, some people put themselves first wanting their own enjoyment not that of the child.

maybe the op has problems like that with her mil. I don't think you are unreasonable, you invited her to the party and thats that, she has no buisness being unpleasant behind your back.

Also, she should bear in mind that on his actual brthday Ds could be over excited and iddy, and not necessarily in the ideal mood for wanting quiet one to one time. The day before or after would probably be better fromt hat sense.

FWIW I have a great relationshp with both my parents and my inlaws, but I would be more than happy to say no to either in such a circumsatnce. Fortunately for me, they;d understand. What actually happens is we tend to invite both sets of grandaprents round to ours after the party (they still come to parties) to watch her open her pressies.

Ph, and it is regular thing for the grandparents not to see DD on her actual birthday - ofen because of school, or previously nursery, or because we have been out for the day as a family (me, DH and DD). Never been an issue.

Infact one year - DD was 3 I think - her birthday fell on the day PILs looked after her. However I had to work an couldn't not work (teacher). We celebrated DD's birthday the day before and PILs went along with that happily.

thing is if you start making loads of compromises just to stop people moaning you're getting away from the point which is your ds celebrating their birthday. She's invited to the party - where everyone else will be (and by the sounds of it no one else has a problem with seeing him there and only there) - why can't that be good enough?

I do have some sympathy with the OP if this is typical behaviour from MIL.

My ILs were offended when told they couldn't turn up at 10am for dd2's 3rd birthday afternoon party as according to them it 'wouldn't be worth coming for that short amount of time' This really irked me & dh given they were going to be here for 4 hours anyway, would have got in the way of party preparations and we wanted some just us time together to open her presents, given they've got dd with them on her actual birthday (they're taking her on holiday).

You've offered MIL a perfectly acceptable alternative of coming along the next day. There is nothing wrong in wanting some time together on what is going to be a hectic day. The alternative is not to have her visit the next day and get her to pop in for half an hour before you leave so she can see gc and see how rushed off your feet you are.

Just to clarify; on DS's first and second birthdays, MIL has been to visit him on that day and has been made very welcome. The party has then been a few days later. We have spent his actual birthday at home, and family members have visited throughout the day. This works really well, and spreads out visitors across a whole day, rather than all in one flurry. We have then had his party a few days later and then gone and done something alone together on another day, becuase as someone did point out, he is still very young and doesn't understand BIRTHDAY!! like an older child!

The difference this year is only becuase his birthday is the same day as the party, and I think it could get pretty hectic with people visiting in the morning, getting ready to go, and yes, I DO want to spend time fussing over my pfb!! She is an important person, but he has other important people in his life too - and when talking about plans for his birthday, they have specifically said things like, well we won't come round in the morning, we'll see you at the party.

I will be completely honest and say that I didn't immediately offer the visit the next day, but I did think about a compromise and then called to invite her - not in a "happy now?" way, or at least I didn't think so.

I didn't start making out she was a bitch after people said I was BU either - I made it clear in my OP that she is now going round slagging me off to family members!

DH doesn't get on that well with her due to, yes, stuff in the past, I encourage him to phone her and make arrangements to see her, he would rarely do it otherwise, so I do feel I make an effort!

Perhaps I should have emphasised more that she wasn't jsut going off saing JemL won't let me see DGS, but actually saying very personal and hurtful things, such as that DS should be speaking more for his age and that if I didn't work he would be more advanced, but then it just sounds like I am giving myself justification

backing you up 100% hun

yanbu
My PILs do this - we're seeing them anyway, but that's not good enough - they want to pop in as well earlier, or they want us to come earlier or stay later than we can. At one point it was Easter weekend, we were spending the weekend with them, planned to go on the Friday morning, but we had FIL on the phone 10 minutes after we'd walked in from work on the Thursday asking where we were!
OTOH my PILs would never talk about me behind my back like that.
What is wrong with wanting a bit of family time? If the Grandma wants time alone, why can't it be the next day, as they've already offered? Why does it all have to be on her terms?

my PILs do this too. They are usually lovely and we are all very close - DS and at least one of us goes round minumum twice a week but occasionally I do put my foot down and get a lot of emotional blackmail to go with it.

well OK sounds like she is a bit much actually!

Oh just do what you want, Jem.

It's pretty precious of the MIL to want to see your DS extra in the morning when you've very kindly invited everyone and her to a party in the afternoon.

It's not like she doesn't see him regularly anyway.

FWIW, I'd want a bit of small family space in the morning before loads of guests start arriving for the rest of the day.

And yes, you'll be a MIL one day and I bet you won't slag off your DILs to other relatives!

JemL, as someone with a delightful array of extended family members who slag me off relentlessly if they don't each get individualised special attention on every single bloody family occassion, I feel YANBU.

So your MIL is now criticising you to all and sundry and refusing to accept anything except things going exactly the way she wants them? How horrible for you. If I heard someone criticising their DIL like that, I would just think "poor DIL."

Gah, if I ever become a Grandma I really hope that I am adult enough to hold onto my own feelings for myself and remember that it's not all about me.

YABU
and petty.