To say no to MIL visiting in morning of DS's birthday?

[JemL]

DS will be three soon, and we are having a party for him at my auntie's house - she has a huge garden, so we can have bouncy castle, etc. it is mainly family and a few friends - we do it every year, and both mine and DH's family come, which is lovely. This year, DS's birthday falls on a Saturday, so we are having his party on the actual day - in the afternoon.

MIL asked if she could come round in the morning to give him his presents - although she will be seeing him all afternoon at the party. We have said no - I want to spend the time with DH and DS alone, especially as I am pregnant and it will be the last year DS is only child (pre-emptive nostalgic sniff)plus we will be leaving late morning to go and set up party stuff, so it will only be a few hours in the morning that we will have time, just us together.

She is now going round telling family members that I - not we, I - "won't let" her see her grandson on his birthday. She isn't being light hearted and joky about it - she is being quite unpleasant. According to what we have been told, she uses it as a starting point to launch into a criticism of us, our parenting, and our son's behaviour.

Am I being unreasonable and precious to say no to visiting, and to feel annoyed that I am being made out to be a bitch for it?!?!

I don't think it's more about having control. The mil IS afterall coming to the party later - it's not as if the OP has said she can't see her ds on his birthday!

What if all the other relatives (who the OP says are actually as close to her ds as mil who doesn't make much effort the rest of the time) want to pop in individually too? They would have no family time at all.

To me while the OP might not have done what you would have chosen for your child's birthday the main p[oint to me is the appalling behaviour on the part of her mil who has used this as an escuse to badmouth the OP to anyone who will listen. That would really piss me off tbh and would make me less inclined to entertain her wishes to see ds. Given that the OP has said ds also doesn't particularly enjoy her company that is.

If on the other hand she had said something like 'Oh I am really disappointed not to have a few minutes on my own with him to see his face as he opens his present. Please do you htink I could come to the party a little early before everyone else arrives so that I can have that time?' and the OP might well have reconsidered!

If your toddler behaved in this manner, effectively throwing a tantrum because he didn't get his own way you would ignore wouldn't you, not reward by letting him get his own way!!!

I get on well with my mil by the way so this isn't just mil bashing from me. Just think the way the OP's mil has behaved is awful

you shouldn't have to justify your actions. her reaction to not being allowed a vist speaks volumes, even if you did want to reconsider I feel she has over stepped the mark, I would just leave her alone and see if she comes back to you about the sunday visit, if not get your dh to call her to confirm saying you need to know or you will make other plans for the day. At 3 your pfb probably won't remember who was there, but it is a memory for you and your dh , as you say his last birthday before your 2nd child arrives.

People wanting to see a toddlers face as they open their present worry me a bit. Toddlers are terrible for being honest, and also for getting stroppy if overexcited/tired. When they are older you can train them to say thank you very much and put on a positive grateful face even if the present isn't exactly what they want/ they already have it. Admittedly grandparent presents don't usually fall into this category as they usually discuss with parents what to get, but I remember Christmases when mine were small when they got overwhelmed by the number of presents and expectations of ooh and aah noises for each one and just played with the boxes and paper.
I'm quite happy just to post my nephews presents (they live >4 hours away anyway) and just take their parents word for it that they liked whatever it was.

good point Mutt, I'm definitely guilty of this as I have issues over other people taking control of my life!
However, if you give give give, some people take take take.

oh fgs let her come

I would welcome her with open arms and use it as an opportunity to let her babysit for the morning so you can relax/go out/get party ready.
Yabvu. I hope when I am a mil my dil doesnt take this view.

FFS everyone, what is so wrong with a mother wanting to have a couple of hours of just her, her partner and their child on the childs birthday.

I don't normally agree with MIL bashing (love mine) and think a lot of DIL's make the situation ten times worst, but why does the MIL have the right to see the child in private but his mother is called 'very unreasonable', 'precious' and 'PFB' for wanting the same.

And going round bad mouthing your DIL because you haven't got your own way is beyond pathetic.

the mother is up her own arse.

Why not ask her to the party half hour early then all will be happy

I dont see what it would cost you to let her. I think its all about control, nothing to do with time alone asa family.

I really don't understand the obsession with birthdays and being precious about every single minute of it, so what does this "time alone as a family" mean? Do mum, dad and child sit quietly reminiscing about the past and making speeches? Can't it be done with mil too?

But DottedPyjamas, isn't being precious precisely what the MIL is doing by insisting on a special quiet time to herself with the DS on his birthday besides the party?

The OP isn't saying "No-one to see DS on his birthday." She is saying, "Please come to the massive, hours-long party that we have arranged so that DS and people who love him can spend tiem together."

With that in mind, isn't she entitled to slob about in her PJs with DS the morning of the party?

if you and your DH both work during the week then i think it's great that you are protecting this special saturday morning to spend together as two parents and child.

regardless of MIL, who she is, what she is to DS etc. it's not about her, it's about you and your DH spending some lazy pajama time all together all snuggly and it wouldn't really be appropriate to have anybody else there.

MIL and presumably your DM, FIL and DF will all see the birthday boy just a few short hours later.

so no, in my opinion YANBU.

Yes Gently I think the MIL is being OTT in wanting to be there early when they're having a party later. But we are not advising the MIL here, it's the dil, and I don't see why she has to say no and make the situation worse.

"FFS everyone, what is so wrong with a mother wanting to have a couple of hours of just her, her partner and their child on the childs birthday."

Nope. It's just not allowed just in case a GP wants to come over.

And remember, if you're a DIL who sometimes says, "No, sorry," you're automatically evil and suffering from PFBs.

Remember, you're a mother now - you're supposed to give, give, give and martyr your own preferences to everyone else's every time.

Load of tosh that.

YANBU. Whilst there are some lovely MILs out there - lots of my friends have them there are plenty of MILs and Mums who are manipulative, petulant and act like this if they don't get their own way. My estranged MIL did not see the kids in a 'normal' grand motherly way but was always centre stage at birhdays etc It's quite funny on DDs 1st birthday video cos you can see the old witch elbowing me out of the way to hold DD whilst she blew out her candles.

Stick to your guns - slating you to other people is NOT on