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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to MIL visiting in morning of DS's birthday?

142 replies

JemL · 15/05/2009 13:34

DS will be three soon, and we are having a party for him at my auntie's house - she has a huge garden, so we can have bouncy castle, etc. it is mainly family and a few friends - we do it every year, and both mine and DH's family come, which is lovely. This year, DS's birthday falls on a Saturday, so we are having his party on the actual day - in the afternoon.

MIL asked if she could come round in the morning to give him his presents - although she will be seeing him all afternoon at the party. We have said no - I want to spend the time with DH and DS alone, especially as I am pregnant and it will be the last year DS is only child (pre-emptive nostalgic sniff)plus we will be leaving late morning to go and set up party stuff, so it will only be a few hours in the morning that we will have time, just us together.

She is now going round telling family members that I - not we, I - "won't let" her see her grandson on his birthday. She isn't being light hearted and joky about it - she is being quite unpleasant. According to what we have been told, she uses it as a starting point to launch into a criticism of us, our parenting, and our son's behaviour.

Am I being unreasonable and precious to say no to visiting, and to feel annoyed that I am being made out to be a bitch for it?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
JemL · 15/05/2009 13:54

Although she is local, she doesn't see DS that often. When she does she gets quite impatient with him. They are not especially close in that sense although of course as his nan she is important.

At both his previous parties, although she has given him presents on his actual birthday, she has also bought a present for him to open then and I have always made sure that she has had time to sit with just him and open it together. I would of course do the same this time - I would never just chuck it to one side.

Perhaps I just don't understand why you would want to give a child a present "in private!"

I certainly wouldn't exepct him to open them in front of everyone and make her feel uncomfortable - eg. in front of my mum, if that was what the problem is - the garden it will be held in is really massive and there is plenty of space for her to sit with him alone.

OP posts:
ilovetochat · 15/05/2009 13:55

yanbu, she is invited to the party same as everyone else in the family, i think its lovely you want some family time just the 3 of you.

Original poster
JemL · 15/05/2009 13:57

Ok - I see the point about it being private - ie special time alone wiht him. But other relatives, just as close, are not asking for this - they are happy to have time with him at the party!

I had invited her round on the Sunday - the following day - to have birthdy cake with us alone, but apparently this wasn't good enough, according to the people she has complained to! She hasn't even said yes or no to this as yet.

OP posts:
sleepyeyes · 15/05/2009 13:57

YANBU If you let her come then your parents will also want to see him privately, then it will be other family and friends wanting to privately give gifts. This is why people have parties everyone gets to see the Birthday boy or girl and it's equal amongst everyone who loves them.
I can understand why you want some special private time with him you are his parents you want to celebrate the day you became a family you don't need to be made to feel guilty or be bad mouthed by your MIL.

branflake81 · 15/05/2009 13:58

YAB completely U. What is MIL if not family? What harm will it do if she's there? It seems a little petty, tbh. I think you should let her come and spend her GS birthday with him. It's not too much to ask.

chickers · 15/05/2009 13:59

Forget your MIL do what is best for your family. I have spent years trying to please my in-laws only for them to slag us off at every opportunity.

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/05/2009 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2rebecca · 15/05/2009 15:17

YANBU. If she's seeing him in the afternoon why can't she wait. What is so special about her giving a small sprog his present "in private".
For my kids birthdays I like them to open all presents in the morning with us or dad anyway, probably because that's how we did it when small. We opened all presents before going to school with mum and dad. I think people who insist on "seeing" the child open the present are putting their own needs ahead of the child's but that's probably because that's what I was used to.

Kinderella · 15/05/2009 15:20

The fact that she is slagging you and your dh off to everyone just because she isn't getting her own way speaks volumes I think. YANBU.

hullygully · 15/05/2009 15:20

Kill her now. End of problem.

rubyslippers · 15/05/2009 15:20

you see a post like this makes me think there is more to it

could be totally wrong though

i would not have an issue with MIL popping in at all

TBH, i agree with Lulu's post

Doha · 15/05/2009 15:25

YANBU at all-not in the slightest. She has been invited to his party along with other close family members-including your parents.
You have been kind enought to invite her round the next day for cake and to see DGS and FFS she hasn't even accepted or declined.
I think she is being very unreasonable

OrmIrian · 15/05/2009 15:25

Don't understand, sorry. Just let her come if she wants to.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 15/05/2009 15:26

Sorry think YABU, you say that she will see him all afternoon, but she won't really will she as all your family and friends will be there.

francagoestohollywood · 15/05/2009 15:29

I agree with Ruby, is there more to it?

I wouldn't have any problem with mil or any other popping by. But then, we don't really do "family time" in our household.

BradfordMum · 15/05/2009 15:30

YABU but you won't know just how much until your Ds's wife stops you visiting your grandchild on their birthday.
I bet you'll be cross then!

Family dynamics are all about give and take.
Try giving a little and see what you get back.

CrushWithEyeliner · 15/05/2009 15:30

What on earth is wrong with you?

FfreckleFface · 15/05/2009 15:33

at hullygully

TheCrackFox · 15/05/2009 15:41

I feel quite sorry for your MIL.

I have very fond memories of my grandma but sadly she dies when I was 8.

sachertorte · 15/05/2009 15:43

I think the OP has made a decision about what SHE wants for HER family on the birthday morning. The m-i-l should respect that.

I think the m-i-l is clearly in the wrong, upset she has not got what she wants so behaving attrociously. The OP had already invited her for a quiet time with b cake on the Sunday. A good compromise, I think, but has not been accepted (out of some sort of thwarted principle?!)

If the m-i-l lives locally but doesn´t see the child regularly, what right should dhe have to call the shots in any way. No right imo.

OP you´re not at all precious but behaving very reasonably I think. There have been threads like this before and it seemed that people who have a close relationship with their family just do not understand that things are not like that for everyone.. Hence all the YABU responses?

unfitmother · 15/05/2009 15:50

Sounds very precious to me.

lucygrif · 15/05/2009 15:51

No way - interfering MILs need nipping in the bud early on - I had it for years the demands, the undermining me etc. And the very fact that they always find a way to blame the DIL instead of their precious son without any consideration for the ACTUAL reasons for you saying no in the first place. My sister is also having trouble with her MIL at the mo - literally scrapping for every last morsel of attention from my niece to the point where its embarrassing. ITS YOUR FAMILY, YOU DECIDE. If she doesn't like it she knows where the door is.

SummatAnNowt · 15/05/2009 15:51

Sheesh, I have issues at times with my mil (and may have ranted last year about her having a black heart ) but she is my child's grandma when all is said and done and who would refuse a grandma a visit on the morning of her grandchild's birthday?!?

bruffin · 15/05/2009 15:53

yabvu and pfb.

I feel very sorry for your MIL and your ds.
Your DS won't appreciate "special time together " on his birthday.I am sure a visit of Grandma would be far more exciting for him.

My DC's are 11 and 13 and still adore a vist from their nans, sadly grandad are deads.

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2009 15:56

The reason she wants time alone with her DGS is the same reason OP and OPs DH want time alone with him - is that hard to understand?

Also, there's every point in getting to see the people you give gifts to open them. Totally selfish imo to think that you and DH/DP get to watch the wee one's face light up with presents other people have bought him and enjoy that privately.

Don't get me started on present giving politics for little ones - but that's another thread entirely.

'Shower the presents in this direction and make sure they're good/ expensive/ age appropriate/ currently cool please, no you can't watch him open them etc etc...' Not saying that's the case here of course.