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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to MIL visiting in morning of DS's birthday?

142 replies

JemL · 15/05/2009 13:34

DS will be three soon, and we are having a party for him at my auntie's house - she has a huge garden, so we can have bouncy castle, etc. it is mainly family and a few friends - we do it every year, and both mine and DH's family come, which is lovely. This year, DS's birthday falls on a Saturday, so we are having his party on the actual day - in the afternoon.

MIL asked if she could come round in the morning to give him his presents - although she will be seeing him all afternoon at the party. We have said no - I want to spend the time with DH and DS alone, especially as I am pregnant and it will be the last year DS is only child (pre-emptive nostalgic sniff)plus we will be leaving late morning to go and set up party stuff, so it will only be a few hours in the morning that we will have time, just us together.

She is now going round telling family members that I - not we, I - "won't let" her see her grandson on his birthday. She isn't being light hearted and joky about it - she is being quite unpleasant. According to what we have been told, she uses it as a starting point to launch into a criticism of us, our parenting, and our son's behaviour.

Am I being unreasonable and precious to say no to visiting, and to feel annoyed that I am being made out to be a bitch for it?!?!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/05/2009 15:58

YANBU

she will see her gd/your ds in the afternoon

saying that would it really be that bad if she comes 30mins before you leave and all go to the party together

many on here dont have gps local and i do think it is lovely that your mil wants to spend time with your ds

surely he would love to see granny,and tbh birthdays are for the person in question

lucygrif · 15/05/2009 15:58

She isn't saying she's not welcome - just not at that particular time. MILs always twist things so you look bad but really its just because they do not approve of your decision, and only then because it wasn't THEIR decision. Stick to your guns girl!! You have offered an alternative, I'd be inclined to go out for the day on the Sunday if you don't get the courtesy of a reply from her.

Songbird · 15/05/2009 16:01

Agree with sachertorte, particularly 3rd paragraph.

And, I think most people's responses here reflect their own feelings about their MILs, and their idea of 'family time', to some extent. This is why I hate AIBU threads.

Lulumama · 15/05/2009 16:02

turn it on its head

"My MIL is coming to DSs 3rd birthday party, but she is not making an effort to see him on her own, which i can;t understand as he is her grandson. Surely a doting grandparent wants to see their grandchild open their birthday gift"

there is eitehr a history behind this, but this is not interfering, this is NORMAL grandmotherly behaviour

i imagine my MIL and mum would be upset if i would not allow them to see their gradnchildren on the day of their birthday

clam · 15/05/2009 16:02

Are you BU?

Yes, afraid so.

And PFB.

Sorry, but you did ask.

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2009 16:04

lol, 'MILs always twist things'.

As if women over 50 with male children are some kind of card carrying political party.

If you have a boy, you'll be a MIL one day - if you have a brother, then your own lovely mother is one!

herbietea · 15/05/2009 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sidge · 15/05/2009 16:04

You should grin and bear it and relish the time that your son has with his granny(ies) now because you never know what's round the corner.

Sorry to be morbid but I have discovered that life is unpredictable and parents aren't around for ever, so you should give them the opportunities to share in the experiences of your children when possible.

Would it really be so hard to spare half an hour for her to spend some time with him before his party, when she probably won't get the opportunity to see him properly as he'll be too busy bouncing!

Songbird · 15/05/2009 16:04

lulu - come off it , interfering is 'normal grandmotherly behaviour'

schmu · 15/05/2009 16:06

we have quite a bit of this in our family. ie grandparents and grandparents expecting us to accomodate 1:1 visits in addition to group gatherings. it causes a lot of stress at times, tbh.

i can understand your POV totally and would feel the same. however, for diplomacy's sake i would let her come for the last half hour or so before you leave.

TheCrackFox · 15/05/2009 16:06

'MILs always twist things'. - really, they don't.

The Op will be a MIL one day and she is teaching her son how she expects to be treated when he gets married.

mankymummy · 15/05/2009 16:08

Who's most important?

Surely your is son? He is a child and its his birthday after all.

So... would he rather spend time just the three of your or would he like to see his granny on his birthday morning?

Lulumama · 15/05/2009 16:08

in your wrong opinion

agree wtih morris and sidge

so many threads on here about the lack of itnerest show by grandparents and extended families or favouritism

here is a grandmother who wants to spend some special time with her grandson , and is being told no

shame all round really, there could potentially be a good close relationship here

one day the OP will be a MIL. how would she feel if she was being refused some special time with erh grandchildren in teh future?

mankymummy · 15/05/2009 16:08

or "Surely your son is" I meant. sorry.

Katisha · 15/05/2009 16:08

As a mother of sons I am really quite dreading future DILs deciding I am an old bag whose time with her grandchildren must be strictly rationed...

lucygrif · 15/05/2009 16:13

for gods sake i really don't understand all this, the woman is expecting too much! she is NOT the mother and should understand how important being a mother is and back off. Its not about "rationing" her time with her GS it's about what is appropriate - and this isn't. It is inconvenient to say the least when she is seeing him the SAME DAY and has been invited the following day. I agree that if she does come, how will your own mother feel that she wasn't allowed to come? Not to mention Aunts/Uncles etc. This is the whole point in having a party - so that the whole family can see him in one go - privately or otherwise.

bruffin · 15/05/2009 16:18

I very much doubt MIL will be able to spend any time with him at a big party. Children belong to their whole family, not just possessions of their mum and dad.

Bucharest · 15/05/2009 16:20

"The reason she wants time alone with her DGS is the same reason OP and OPs DH want time alone with him - is that hard to understand?"

Er, well, yes, because the OP and her husband are his parents. The MIL is not.

lucygrif · 15/05/2009 16:21

I agree - but that doesn't mean they can call the shots and demand you discard your own plans just because that is what they want. I don't think she is considering anyone else's feelings but her own in this one.

OlympedeGouges · 15/05/2009 16:21

YABU. I hate all this pulling rank - 'she is NOT the mother and back off' etc. It is really quite hideous. I cannot understand the problem, if she wants to come round for half an hour then let her! All you lot who need to put MILs in their place let's see how you are when your time comes.

lucygrif · 15/05/2009 16:22

the MIL i mean

Jenbot · 15/05/2009 16:22

I don't really think YABU, if you're busy getting ready to go out and preparing for the party it might be too much fuss to stop to have a separate visit in the morning, there's nothing wrong with her coming the next day instead surely?

lucygrif · 15/05/2009 16:24

I have a son and I wouldn't dream of making such demands. When you have children you raise them to be independent and to be good parents themselves - so let them do it. You can't go around slagging people off just because you were told "no" - what is that teaching the child?

Lulumama · 15/05/2009 16:25

the DS will not suffer, nor will his relationship with his parents, by his grandmother spending half an hour with him at his birthday

surely the extended family should want to spend time with the family??

i am baffled as to why the MIls feelings cease to matter

the fact she wants to see her grandson is great!!

how many threads on here complaining abotu the lack of involvement????

Lulumama · 15/05/2009 16:27

why can't the grandmother be included in the plans for a small amount of time???

why on earht should she back off?

i agree she should not be criticisng the OP behind her back, but she is cleraly upset at being excluded and the OP needs to ask herself why