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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Probably, but I still really need to vent somewhere...

137 replies

Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:11

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's another in laws rant, so if you don't want to hear it please leave now!

Had a MASSIVE row with DH again today, always over the same thing: MiL We never fight about anything else.

Here's the problem - I am severely allergic to cats, and MiL has three. I don't mean a little bit sneezy - I break out in hives and have wheezing and sore throat/nose for several days after being in someones house with one. It's really annoying, because lots of our friends have cats, and they are always disappointed when we say we can't visit, but we really can't.

Whilst I was dating DH it didn't seem to be so bad, but that was partly because I would take several antihistamines every time I visited (I know - you should only take the prescribed dose, but it was the only way I could manage) and was constantly doped up and drowsy when we were there.

Whilst in hospital last year I had a reaction to some antibiotics and the doctors gave me piriton and I had a really bad reaction, ended up losing 4 days where I just lay in a bed and drooled. The dr advised me not to take it again as I may have overdone it in the past and am now experiencing the side effects more heavily.

On top of this, DS was diagnosed with asthma at 9 months, after repeatedly taking him for chest x-rays/oxygen/ventilator after visiting with MiL. Knowing how I feel after visiting, I really can't bear to think that he is going through this too, and too young to tell us about it.

Because of this I make a real effort to invite MiL to ours as often as possible (we live a 7 hour drive away) and when we are in town (she lives near my parents) we always invite her over.

Thing is SiL and MiL don't think that's enough. We are constantly having bitchy comments from SiL and MiL always pretends not to know why we can't come over (even though we keep explaining).

It's all come to a bit of a head today because it's MiL's 50th soon. She is having a big party and we are going, even though she asked us when we were free and we specifically said not that weekend (we have a wedding the next day and will have to be up at crack of dawn to drive there).

Now SiL is setting up another surprise tea party on her actual bday (not the date of the party) and wants us to attend that as well, but it will be at the house. I told her we would not be able to attend at the house, but would happily come if we could arrange a picnic or tea on the lawn.

SiL says that it will just be for a few hours and we'll all survive. I have said again in a polite but firm email that we will not be attending if it is at the house, but we hope they have a lovely time and will be excited to meet up with them elsewhere another time.

Now DH is angry with me for not consulting him before replying to her.

We have talked about why I don't want to go there, or take DS and both agreed that it is better not to. I can see it's really hard for him as he feels torn between us (it's one of the reasons he wanted us to move as far from family as possible when we got married) but I get so upset when we fight over it.

He is a wonderful man and does treat me far better than I deserve in every other aspect. I know that me and DS mean the world to him, but as soon as MiL steps on the scene it's like he really doesn't care what we go through so long as she is happy.

OP posts:
Worldsworstmummy · 14/05/2009 20:23

Ask them if they want ds to have a life threatening asthma attack? Do they want that on their conscience? Thats what you are dealing with, not a namby pamy dont like your house scenario, its something that could kill your child. maybe it needs to be spelt out to them.

Tamarto · 14/05/2009 20:26

Why did DH need consulting about declining an invite that could threaten your DSs life?

Tamarto · 14/05/2009 20:26
  • Your DH
Original poster
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:28

I think DH would kill me. It's all very sensitive. I have said it like that to him, and when we are alone he agrees. The problem is as soon as his family joins the conversation he does a complete 360.

I swear he would claim black was white if it made his mum happy...

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:29

I think he just gets irritated when we have communication without him, because it means he is now going to get a phone call from either SiL or MiL explaining how unreasonable I'm being and that I have hurt their feelings etc...

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 14/05/2009 20:29

Totally YANBU. They are being really rigid.

Sounds like you already making a huge effort and that it is actually risking your health being near cats. Why on earth should you do that for anyone? Are they mad?

On another note, Your DH treats you far better than you deserve? What a weird POV. That's no stance from which to assert yourself, young lady!

bigchris · 14/05/2009 20:31

well I think MIL's 50th takes precedence over a friend's wedding

why can't you stay in a hotel/b&b nearby so you can still visit her

I don't see that you and your son can dictate how she spends her 5oth
but you can keep taking your son out for fresh air

Tamarto · 14/05/2009 20:33

bigchris - I take it you don't have a child with asthma?

Or are you the SIL?

Tamarto · 14/05/2009 20:34

He needs to grow a pair, you and DS are his main priority now.

Original poster
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:36

The friends wedding was planned over a year ago, and my DH is the best man, so it would be difficult not to go!

We do stay and visit, because my parents live in the same town and have a spare room it seems silly to pay out for a B&B. I would never dictate how she spend her 50th, but she asked us last month what dates we could do and she said not that one. We have made the effort to attend anyway, but this second party has thrown us a bit. It means driving down twice (costs a fortune) or staying in Plymouth for an extra week. I am still willing to make those sacrifices, but not to go and stay at her house.

I know that staying with my parents upsets her, because we don't stay with her. DH has suggested that we stay at a hotel instead, but it seems silly when we can stay somewhere for free to go and pay circa £80 a night in a hotel - which probably wouldn't have a cot or any toys for DH!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:36

(oops, should have been DS)

OP posts:
pollyblue · 14/05/2009 20:45

I think you're being very reasonable tbh, and making a real effort to see her whenever you can, just not at her house. And that's fair enough, both you, and it also seems now sadly your dc, have a very nasty allergic reaction to cats. I'm not cat allergic but i am asthmatic and i know how distressing an attack can be. Asthma kills around 2000 people in the UK every year. Sorry, not saying that to scare you! But i think your MIL and SIL are being (deliberately?) thick and pig-headed and maybe it's a statistic that needs drumming into them.

mistlethrush · 14/05/2009 20:47

A good excuse might be that you don't want to 'spoil' her birthday party by interrupting by having to call the ambulance.

I would also have a discussion with your husband - its not even that you've refused to go to the actual birthday tea - its only her house that you can't go in and you have a medical reason for that - its not just a like or dislike. He needs to get his act together and protect his family.

Worldsworstmummy · 14/05/2009 20:48

I'm sorry Pizazz, but why have you not just laid down the law kindly but firmly? You and your ds would get ill! no debate!. Sometimes we have to draw the line in the sand. and REALLY SPELL IT OUT TO PEOPLE. If you feel funny about doing it, and don't do it, you can't expect them to get how serious it is.

Original poster
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:50

TBH Mistle that's what makes me the most upset. MiL has never liked me, and she even admitted that to someone a few months ago (we've been married nearly 7 years!) and that wouldn't really bother me. SiL has issues of her own and is on medication, so I could accept her making little comments and put it down to hormones.

What hurts me the most is that keeping them happy is still more important to him than we are. I guess it's really just a case of green eyed monster

OP posts:
Worldsworstmummy · 14/05/2009 20:53

I'm sorry Pizazz, thats a hard place to be.

Can you try and reframe it for him? tell him you would be happy to spend all your spare time with them if it weren't for this? And of course their pets are really important, but ds health comes first?

ultimatefarce · 14/05/2009 20:54

Could your dh go without you just for the day of her birthday - maybe travel overnight on a sleeper train (if they still run!)?

I totally agree with you over the allergy / asthma - my ds is so mild he is not formally diagnosed but I take no chances with him. Frankly I am surprised that your MIL and SIL are even suggesting it knowing the risks and your dh certainly needs to spell it out to them!

Original poster
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:55

Worldsworst - I have done this the first few times, and they are very gracious initially, and then the bitchy comments start to come out.

The problem with them living in the same town as my family is that all these comments get back to us!

Three times in the last 6 months MiL was supposed to come up for a visit and cancelled at the last minute. Then next time we are down visiting my family and invite them over all they can talk about is how I never let them see their DGS. They still insist on lamenting how most of MiL's friend have never even met DS and don't believe he exists, then asking us to sleep over and acting surprised when we say once again that we really can't.

OP posts:
fucksticks · 14/05/2009 20:56

YANBU what arses your in laws are!
Your DH really does need to have it drummed into him how serious this really is.
Ask him if you had a nut allergy and in laws insisted on making a nut dinner for MIL birthday and then got arsy with you for refusing to eat it - would he still sympathise then?? its exactly the same, they are proposing something that will seriously affect your health!
Hope he grows a pair and tells them a few home truths when they call!

Original poster
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:57

DH has offered to go lots of times, but they don't want him, they just want DS. TBH that has been really painful for him on several occasions too. If he offers to go over alone they tell him not to bother and that they really wanted to see DS as they feel he is growing up without them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizazz · 14/05/2009 20:59

Problem is that DH doesn't really think it's life-threatening. He says the nebuliser and oxygen always help DS.

He really hasn't seen the worst of it though. I don't think he will ever understand what it felt like to wake up and hold limp DS with blue lips and have to run to the Dr with no shoes on. It's an experience I will never forget. I might be over-dramatising it, but it was so bloody scary and the threat to me felt very real.

OP posts:
petitmaman · 14/05/2009 20:59

YANBU at all. What about your husband going to the party at MILs house and not you or DS?

Tamarto · 14/05/2009 21:00

They sound really toxic.

I think you and your DH need to have a chat about this seriously as i fear it'll only get worse.

lilackaty · 14/05/2009 21:03

Does ds actually have a proper asthma attack when he is there? I am unsure from your OP. You say he has been diagnosed with asthma but is it cats that triggers it with him too?
It is hard for all of you

Tamarto · 14/05/2009 21:03

"He says the nebuliser and oxygen always help DS. "

So that sort of teatment is routine is it? There may be a time when it doesn't medicines are not fail safe. Sorry don't want you to feel worse but i think you really need to hammer it home to your DH maybe get him to come along next time DS has an appointment and ask the nurse to have a word with him about it?