AIBU? Probably, but I still really need to vent somewhere...

[Pizazz]

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's another in laws rant, so if you don't want to hear it please leave now!

Had a MASSIVE row with DH again today, always over the same thing: MiL We never fight about anything else.

Here's the problem - I am severely allergic to cats, and MiL has three. I don't mean a little bit sneezy - I break out in hives and have wheezing and sore throat/nose for several days after being in someones house with one. It's really annoying, because lots of our friends have cats, and they are always disappointed when we say we can't visit, but we really can't.

Whilst I was dating DH it didn't seem to be so bad, but that was partly because I would take several antihistamines every time I visited (I know - you should only take the prescribed dose, but it was the only way I could manage) and was constantly doped up and drowsy when we were there.

Whilst in hospital last year I had a reaction to some antibiotics and the doctors gave me piriton and I had a really bad reaction, ended up losing 4 days where I just lay in a bed and drooled. The dr advised me not to take it again as I may have overdone it in the past and am now experiencing the side effects more heavily.

On top of this, DS was diagnosed with asthma at 9 months, after repeatedly taking him for chest x-rays/oxygen/ventilator after visiting with MiL. Knowing how I feel after visiting, I really can't bear to think that he is going through this too, and too young to tell us about it.

Because of this I make a real effort to invite MiL to ours as often as possible (we live a 7 hour drive away) and when we are in town (she lives near my parents) we always invite her over.

Thing is SiL and MiL don't think that's enough. We are constantly having bitchy comments from SiL and MiL always pretends not to know why we can't come over (even though we keep explaining).

It's all come to a bit of a head today because it's MiL's 50th soon. She is having a big party and we are going, even though she asked us when we were free and we specifically said not that weekend (we have a wedding the next day and will have to be up at crack of dawn to drive there).

Now SiL is setting up another surprise tea party on her actual bday (not the date of the party) and wants us to attend that as well, but it will be at the house. I told her we would not be able to attend at the house, but would happily come if we could arrange a picnic or tea on the lawn.

SiL says that it will just be for a few hours and we'll all survive. I have said again in a polite but firm email that we will not be attending if it is at the house, but we hope they have a lovely time and will be excited to meet up with them elsewhere another time.

Now DH is angry with me for not consulting him before replying to her.

We have talked about why I don't want to go there, or take DS and both agreed that it is better not to. I can see it's really hard for him as he feels torn between us (it's one of the reasons he wanted us to move as far from family as possible when we got married) but I get so upset when we fight over it.

He is a wonderful man and does treat me far better than I deserve in every other aspect. I know that me and DS mean the world to him, but as soon as MiL steps on the scene it's like he really doesn't care what we go through so long as she is happy.

I know, but it always turns into horrible fights. Even before we had DS we had fights about my allergies. I would agree to go over for one hour, but then MiL would find little reasons we couldn't leave like putting up a shelf or moving some furniture (FiL died when DH was 3, so he has grown up being man of the house).

We always used to fight about it because I said I would stop going over if he couldn't support me when I said I needed to leave.

TBH it's just the same painful conversation over again where I say he values them more than me/he says 'I married you, I moved across the country for you' etc... and I say I don't feel very loved. We go around in circle and end up crying. Make-up sex rules, but it doesn't solve the issue.

I'm not entirely sure what is meant by a full blown asthma attack.

DS starts off wheezey and it gets steadily worse and louder. If you give him the inhaler and get him into bed it can ease up, but if you don't notice it straight away he just sits quietly getting worse.

The worst time was the one I mentioned earlier. He was taking a nap and I didn't realise the baby monitor was not switched on. I went upstairs and found him in the cot all blue and barely breathing. Just very faint rasping.

The thing is he doesn't seem to panic at all. He is more likely to go and hide in a corner somewhere quietly.

I sort of wish he did panic and then at least we would get some more warning...

"He says the nebuliser and oxygen always help DS"

But why would you even risk this happening at all?

I think you need to be really rigid on this, Pizazz. It's your and your DS's health and well being you're risking. You're not making it up for goodness sake.

Just say no, absolutely not to the house visit. Your DH can go. And if anyone from the family asks you about it, you can simply tell them that you're not prepared to risk your son's health.

Let them think what they like about you. Your responsibility is to keep your family well.

Your DH is utterly unreasonable on this. Why is he putting his mother first?

My DS is the same, we didn't realise he had asthma until he had a really bad episode and ended up spending 3 days in hospital, when we realised he been feeling bad for ages i felt awful.

If he's been put on a nebuliser it's an 'attack'

In fact, I wouldn't even let it get up for discussion. Say the answer is no because the risks are too high, end of discussion. And show your DH this thread. Your poor DS!

""He says the nebuliser and oxygen always help DS"

But why would you even risk this happening at all? "

I don't understand this either. Surely when you see your child attached to one you do everything in your power to ensure you don't have to be there ever again?

Well, he feels quite guilty about leaving MiL and SiL with no man in the house.

He has grown up being the only boy and his mum used to sit on his bed and cry and tell him all her problems because he is the oldest.

When he first proposed to me our vicar asked him if he could put my needs above his mothers and he said no. So we broke the engagement. It was nearly 2 years before he proposed to me again and promised that this time he could.

It's a constant recurring theme in our marriage though.

It's simply not his responsibility to be the man in anyone's house but his own. That is your house. With you and your child. And the man in the house - what does that mean anyway? One person has to shoulder all the responsibility for everyone else? Ridiculous.

If his mum needs helps, that's a different matter but he needs to recognise when she's laying the guilts on him to manipulate him.

It's his son's health for goodness sake.

"Well, he feels quite guilty about leaving MiL and SiL with no man in the house.

He has grown up being the only boy and his mum used to sit on his bed and cry and tell him all her problems because he is the oldest. "

This is so wrong. He shouldn't feel this kind of pressure. I'm not sure how you help him to realise this

I do sympathise. Unfortunately, rather a lot of people who don't have allergies do have a tendency to think that people with allergies are being precious/making it up/attention-seeking (I am allergic to animal fur: that's dogs, cats, hamsters, horses, the lot - my allergies are not life-threatening just tiresome, and there are some houses I won't go to because I just can't face the hours of sneezing, wheezing, slobbering and scratching that will ensue, but I have ahd my fair share of snide remarks from pet-owners over the years.)
WRT your DH, can you get him to come to the doctor with you and have the seriousness of the allergies explained to him by the doctor?

Just because the nebuliser and oxygen always have helped your DS doesn't mean that they always will. I cannot believe he is foolish enough to be willing to risk his son's health to please his mother. Our DD has grown up with severe asthma, and if we had to miss something because of her health, we missed it. We weren't about to take any stupid chances. Your DH obviously has not sat there are watched your DS suffer through a particularly bad episode - because how could a parent see them suffer through that and willingly put them in the path of another possible episode?

I can sympathise about the cat thing, I'm allergic to them too and can't go near them. YANBU!!

Your inlaws sound like pains in the asses. Although as far as your DH is concerned, don't see it as him preferring to keep them happy more than he wants to keep you happy.

I see it differently. I mean for some reason he wants to please these people, they are after all his family and he has probably been brought up to comply (hard to undo learned behaviour). It must be very hard for him getting the emotionally blackmailing phonecalls. I am not making an excuse for him, I just see that he is finding it hard to please everyone and he is probably falling for their crocodile tears. I feel a bit sorry for him because it will take a lot of courage for him to stand up to them (my DH has been thru this). Talking to you about standing up to them is a whole lot harder than actually doing it. These two ladies are successfully shit stirring your relationship by running and telling tales.

Don't make this about you and your DH, you need to be able to be reasonable about it. He needs to understand how you feel about your allergy and the asthma....and....you need to understand the emotional beating he gets when he goes against the two alpha females in his family.

The solution - work as a team. Yes, he has to stand up to them, it will take a lot of guts but when he does it, things will change. Yes they will be offended but you are doing everything you can and if they can't see that, then they need to understand your relationship with them will suffer.....not your relationship with your DH. They also need to see that when they go running to DH, they are running to you as a couple, ie, if they offend you, then he takes offence too, same goes if they offend him, you jump to his defence. You need to work as a team, make agreements and put up your boundaries.

Don't waste your time arguing over these people.

Oh hell, it's worse than just people being ignorant about allergies and asthma, isn't it? I do feel a bit sorry for your DH, actually: it's very hard to shake off years of guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail.

A friend of ours very unhelpfully left a magazine article about emotional incest out for him to read once. We had a bit of a breakthrough after that and he admitted that his relationship with his mum has been unhealthy. At the time is was a great revelation with lots of crying and sorrys, but now he seems to have forgotten about it completely.

It makes me so angry the way she treats him, but he really can't seem to understand why. He is happy to be used as a slave and manipulated in any way she wants. He is just such a nice guy, and would genuinely do anything for anyone, but I feel like she really takes advantage of that and emotionally blackmails him. I made myself a promise that I would never do that to him, and I really try not to. That's part of the reason I don't like throwing around phrases like 'DS could die!'

But your DS could die. It's not emotional blackmail. It's fact. Hard cold fact.

Pizazz, I feel for you. Don't think I can offer any helpful advice, but you touched a nerve in me and I wanted to respond.

I've been on both sides of this debate. I got married very young and my H (we divorced a decade ago) had a very young son who had asthma. The worst thing to set him off was cats. You guessed it, I was a cat lover. Caused no end of problems, and I am ashamed to admit that I clung to the cat almost to the expense of my marriage and that little boy's health. In the end, we rehomed the cat with MIL, and everything was fine, but my behaviour makes me cringe, even now.

I'm not trying to make excuses for my terrible behaviour, but I came from a family where you 'just got on with things' and at the time I just thought everyone was being totally melodramatic and over-the-top neurotic about the cat. The reality for most non-sufferers is seeing an asthma sufferer have a few pitiful wheezes, followed by a couple of sucks on an inhaler, and then they're absolutely fine again. Most people who have never witnessed a full-on attack just do not realise that asthma can be life-threatening and think people are being overly dramatic when they say it can. I know that's how I felt about it until I had my on the road to Damascus experience.

It wasn't until my X's DS had a really bad asthma attack (while we were away visiting relatives) that I really realised how distressing and dangerous asthma can be. The Dr told us that if we'd been 5 mins later i A&E, he could have been brain damaged due to oxygen starvation! It was one of the most awful experiences I've ever had, and I've never underestimated asthma since.

Fortunately, everyone in my story is absolutely fine, including my lovely, successful (x) step son, who has grown up to be a credit to his parents and, despite the limitations set on him by his asthma, has not let anything get in the way of his goals.

The point I am trying to make, rather longwindedly, is that perhaps your DH's family are not so much toxic as just hopelessly misguided. If they just do not 'get' the severity of asthma and have labelled you as a drama queen, they could genuinely feel that you are sidelining them. I don't know how you can tactfully put them right (and it seems to me that it should be your DH's job to do that), but maybe they're not totally horrible, just horribly ignorant? Has your DH ever seen you in the throes of a full-on attack? Perhaps he doesn't get it either. Can you lead him to a good medical website that shows the reality of an asthma attack? Might make him more likely to fight your corner?

Sorry if that's too long and of no help. I really sympathise.

With all due respect....

"He is happy to be used as a slave and manipulated in any way she wants."

He is not happy. It is causing arguments with his wife, hassle and stress. This has been happening to him for years and he has no idea of how to stop it or how to deal with it. The way he deals with it is just how he has been brought up and to undo that is very hard work as you know.

When he makes the breakthrough, things will change, they really will but he has to get to that point. You can be a very good support to him thru all of this, by listening, trying not to criticise them, asking him how best you can help him. You can show him that this is not a problem between you two. In fact, what it is, is other people getting their nose into your relationship and asserting control, upsetting your balance.

I wish you luck in this, have been there and it is a long, hard trek.

Pizzaz, I am so sorry - it took me so long to type my reply, I missed what you said about the oxygen and nebuliser, please ignore my comment (I'm sure you were anyway!)You are not being unreasonable hon.

Thanks optimists. You are probably right. My mum is very good friends with MiL and often says:
'why don't you take DS over and let her see how bad he gets. Then she won't ask again.' But I really don't want to. Why should he go through that just to make her understand something she could just accept? He's a baby FGS.
I'm sorry to hear you had to experience XDSS in such distress, but glad that it helped you to understand whats going on.
Even before we had DS she would refuse to put the cat out when we came over, saying it was the cats house long before DH ever introduced me. I think she feels angry that I took her DS away from her, but the more she behaves like this the less I want to see of her.
TBH even if the cat died tomorrow, I would still be uncomfortable around her because it has just shown me how little she values me and DS.

no problems lil

Am at: "Even before we had DS she would refuse to put the cat out when we came over, saying it was the cats house long before DH ever introduced me."

Even I wasn't that bad! I did at least put the cat in the cattery, wash all the soft furnishings and vacuum the carpets with the nozzle! At the time I thought it was a bit OTT but I did at least get that this was my DH's SON and therefore important.

Isn't there a national asthma society or something? Google it. See if they have a short video about asthma, showing someone having a really bad attack, and send it to MIL.

Thing is, she is a pharmacist, so she should really know the risks. She is just a bit cavalier when it suits her needs.

I'd like to say it's out of ignorance, but tbh I think it's a power struggle. She's just always trying to exert her will over mine. She knows we don't let DS eat chocolate and sweets yet, but when she babysat I came home early to find her feeding him a mars bar. I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't come in unannounced, so it's not like she does it to be mean. She just wants to be in charge of everything. She also thinks I'm ridiculous for not smacking DS and tries to encourage DH that it's important. Fortunately DH draws the line there...

I am I being out of order in saying a relative that would use her dislike of you to put your ds at risk is totally bonkers and not to be trusted around your children?

Personally I think not, but I only let her babysit when she visits us (so a good 7 hour drive from her damn cats!) even though she begs to be allowed to have him at hers for weekends. DH thinks she is fine and IABU not to want her to babysit, but we have an agreement that only people we are both comfortable with get to babysit.

At least the worst that can happen is he eats some crap and refuses his dinner. I don't think she'd ever smack him if I wasn't there, but if I got the faintest hint that she had I would never let her near him again.

I don't think she would genuinely want to harm him. She just likes to undermine me.

Stick to your guns girl!