AIBU? Probably, but I still really need to vent somewhere...

[Pizazz]

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's another in laws rant, so if you don't want to hear it please leave now!

Had a MASSIVE row with DH again today, always over the same thing: MiL We never fight about anything else.

Here's the problem - I am severely allergic to cats, and MiL has three. I don't mean a little bit sneezy - I break out in hives and have wheezing and sore throat/nose for several days after being in someones house with one. It's really annoying, because lots of our friends have cats, and they are always disappointed when we say we can't visit, but we really can't.

Whilst I was dating DH it didn't seem to be so bad, but that was partly because I would take several antihistamines every time I visited (I know - you should only take the prescribed dose, but it was the only way I could manage) and was constantly doped up and drowsy when we were there.

Whilst in hospital last year I had a reaction to some antibiotics and the doctors gave me piriton and I had a really bad reaction, ended up losing 4 days where I just lay in a bed and drooled. The dr advised me not to take it again as I may have overdone it in the past and am now experiencing the side effects more heavily.

On top of this, DS was diagnosed with asthma at 9 months, after repeatedly taking him for chest x-rays/oxygen/ventilator after visiting with MiL. Knowing how I feel after visiting, I really can't bear to think that he is going through this too, and too young to tell us about it.

Because of this I make a real effort to invite MiL to ours as often as possible (we live a 7 hour drive away) and when we are in town (she lives near my parents) we always invite her over.

Thing is SiL and MiL don't think that's enough. We are constantly having bitchy comments from SiL and MiL always pretends not to know why we can't come over (even though we keep explaining).

It's all come to a bit of a head today because it's MiL's 50th soon. She is having a big party and we are going, even though she asked us when we were free and we specifically said not that weekend (we have a wedding the next day and will have to be up at crack of dawn to drive there).

Now SiL is setting up another surprise tea party on her actual bday (not the date of the party) and wants us to attend that as well, but it will be at the house. I told her we would not be able to attend at the house, but would happily come if we could arrange a picnic or tea on the lawn.

SiL says that it will just be for a few hours and we'll all survive. I have said again in a polite but firm email that we will not be attending if it is at the house, but we hope they have a lovely time and will be excited to meet up with them elsewhere another time.

Now DH is angry with me for not consulting him before replying to her.

We have talked about why I don't want to go there, or take DS and both agreed that it is better not to. I can see it's really hard for him as he feels torn between us (it's one of the reasons he wanted us to move as far from family as possible when we got married) but I get so upset when we fight over it.

He is a wonderful man and does treat me far better than I deserve in every other aspect. I know that me and DS mean the world to him, but as soon as MiL steps on the scene it's like he really doesn't care what we go through so long as she is happy.

I mean, all support to you on this. I opted out of the whole issue by cutting out whole swathes of toxic family once ds was born. Just didn't have time for their nonsense anymore. But its not ideal, by any means!

I would love to more than anything in the world, but that would be so harsh on DH. I really couldn't do it to him.

i think staying in a hotel whenever you are in town, as your dh's suggested, is a great idea.

mil knows the reason why you are not keen to stay or come over to her house and accept it initially but will surely resent or reject it as seeing you are always staying with your parents whenever you are in town. to mil, whatever your reasons are, they are just lies etc. i think it is just jealousy on mil's part.

why not just spend a bit of money, stay in a hotel and see if things could get better.

i hope things work out well for you and dh. take care

Mostly because we can't afford to spend a little bit of money. DH job provides us with accomodation, and we don't pay any bills, but he only earn £6k a year. Whenever we visit we stay for a week or two weeks because the petrol to get down costs us about £130, so we try and visit everyo e at once.

I know it seems like an obvious solution, but spending circa £1120 (two weeks @£80 per night) and then having to buy food on top is nearly a third of a years wages for us. We visit 3 or 4 times a year so that would cost us more than we earn total, without even factoring in petrol!

When we stay at my parents we have free food, free beds. DS gets a nice cot with lots of toys and a big garden.

The nearest hotel is also further away from her than my parents house, but as DH points out, she doesn't care where we go as long as it's not my family (we have tried staying with my brother and his children - she didn't like that either). I think it's just childish, and I might BU but I am not willing to miss out on seeing my family just because she doesn't like it. We always invite them over. Sometimes they come, sometimes they decline. And we always make the effort to go to cinema with them/out to lunch/dinner etc... but nothing is enough because at the end of the day she wants us to stay in her house.

"(we have tried staying with my brother and his children - she didn't like that either)"

OMG. I can't believe the nerve of this freakshow of a woman.

Who is she to try and dictate where you stay?

You stay wherever you like Pizzazz and she just has to lump it. If she's got a problem with it, then it is her problem.

She's clearly a nutter. Not someone I would look to spend any time with. My word.

Thanks Winky. It's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks so unfortunately DH can't see it.

Well, you are a grown up. So is your DH.

His mummy does not make decisions for either of you or your DS. If she doesn't like you, then that's tough on her too because you're here to stay.

If she really loved her son, she would make the effort to be accommodating and caring towards you and your DS.

I honestly think you should print out this thread and let your DH read it.

I think he would find it too hurtful. He is a sensitive soul.

TBH it's not DS she doesn't like. She has offered to take DH and DS on a last family holiday in the summer for 6 weeks.

Thing is DH had a 'last' family holiday with them without me when I was 5 months pg with DS. I just don't think it will ever be a 'last'.

Before you get too riled up the reason we agree to DH going on holiday without me is for the sake of his little sister, who really misses her big bro not living with her.

Pizazz
Could you show your dh this thread do you think?
He is being a little unfair in putting you in this position tbh. It's not that you don't want to go...it's that you just can't

I have peanut allergy...it's like the equivalent of someone saying...'oh go on...one spoonful won't harm you!!'

He needs to be able to say to his mother and sil that you all would love to come but cannot because he cannot risk the health of his son and his wife.

Quite honestly the part about the vicar was quite shocking...and i can see how this feeling that he isn't quite 'in your corner' can eat away at your relationship (and love).

I don't know what the answer is tbh. I don't think the problem is really with you (except that perhaps if it were me i would perhaps lay it on the line a little)...you seem incredibly patient with him.

Turn the tables. Tell the lot of them if MIL doesn't care about her grandchilds health then you won't allow access ever again because you won't be able to trust her. She's coming on strong, so show you mean buisness!!! Tell DH you are doing it for the sake of your DS because to you, he comes first. Even if you don't mean any of it, it might make them wind their bloody necks in.

mmm..sensitive soul

And meanwhile...

He isn't being sensitive...he isn't being sensitive to the needs of his wife and child is he? YOU are upset...you have legitimate worries about you and your childs health.

We aren't getting riled up chick...we are trying to help you.

60 mumsnetters cannot be wrong

I think that is why DH is scared of me communicating with them without him! He has said on many occasion that he isn't taking their side in a conversation, it's just that he knows I'll forgive him and they won't. HE just wants to stay in relationship with everybody, and unfortunately, because I love him too much to leave him, I'm the one who ends up feeling unsupported.

It is not about asthma

Or cats

Or sweets

It is about control

Your MIL is using your asthma, your son's asthma to get back at your for taking her son away from her.

Tell your DH to stick his head in a plastic bag for 5 mins to see what it is like living through an asthma attack

Then tell him to stand up to his mother and protect his wife and his son.

He is sensitive to the fact that it upsets me. He hates seeing me upset, which is why we moved so far away. It means we only have to deal with the conflicts a couple of times a year... or so we thought.

Once we had DS everyone started demanding Grandparents rights and we actually end up seeing them at least every 6 weeks.

PMSL at 'Tell your DH to stick his head in a plastic bag for 5 mins to see what it is like living through an asthma attack'

Sorry, reading that back I was a bit harsh.

It really upset me that your MIL would go to such lengths, disregarding your son's health. He is her grandson and she is using him to get back at you.

Would your DH go to counselling to talk about his relationship with his mother, and how it affects your marriage?

Probably, but it's unlikely he would get an opportunity. He works about 70 hours per week (boarding school ) so can't take any time off. Whenever there is a holiday or exeat (weekend off) we visit families.

Pizazz - I've been following your thread, my dh has asthma and I'm one of those lucky people who doesn't have any allergies. I've seen the man I love having an asthma attack and it was very frightening - and he was an adult. Could you get a letter from your GP saying what kind of environments your ds (and you for that matter) shouldn't be and why? You might have to sweetalk the doctor to do it, but your MIL can't argue with a medical experts advice.

Maybe. I actually need to see GP anyway next week, so I might tag it onto the end of the appointment. If I offer to pay the letter charge, they can't refuse can they?

I did do this whilst pg because MiL insisted that it was fine to take piriton whilst pg and no reason not to visit. My GP was a bit annoyed about time wasting, but once I cried a bit and paid he said he would do it.

I haven't read all the responses but YANBU.

Your DH sounds lovely but needs to grow a pair, and your SIL and MIL need to shut the hell up and accept that you are doing your best.

It's not like you are saying 'I don't fancy it, actually', or you have a haircut booked - yourr reasons are genuine!

If you were allergic to peanuts would they slip you a Reece's piece?

My Dad is also TERRIBLY allergic to cats, I used to have one, he came over and ended up in hospital unable to breathe.

ALL allergies should be taken seriously, they can be life-threatening!

I can't add anything more than anyone else has already said, but I send my support anyway, Pizazz. You sound lovely, and you shouldn't have to deal with this - your DH clearly has stuff to work through with his family, but it doesn't look like he can find a path to do this.

You have to be strong - nebuliser and O2 is not an acceptable pacifier! Hang on in there, and I hope it works out for you.

thanks SB

I agree. You sound like an absolutely lovely, accommodating woman, Pizzazz and I'm afraid you don't stand a chance against your toxic MIL and your SIL if you don't stand up for yourself and your DS. If you don't, nobody else will.

So, you stand up for yourself. You shout loud and clear, "I am not to be messed with,". You can bet your arse that your MIL and your SIL will back off, muttering and bitching as they do, but they will back off because they are bullies and bullies thrive on people pussyfooting around them. Unless you stand up to them, you're never going to help yourself.

And as for the holiday thing, your MIL offered to take your DH and DS on holiday without you? Actively excluding you, the mother of her grandchild from a family event? I'm for you. That's so fucked up. I'm sorry for the foul language but I thought my DH's family were petty, bitchy swine but your in laws take the biscuit.

And your DH's little sister will have to grow up a bit and realise her "big bro" now has a wife and child that is his family.

And another thing regarding the GP's letter, why should you have to explain yourself to anyone?

Your decisions are your decisions and you shouldn't have to explain over and over. They should take your word for it and accept it as one adult respecting another.

I'm for you.

Pizazz - are you honestly saying that you had to give your MIL a note from your doctor??? She is NOT your employer that you have to have an excuse written on a piece of paper!

She is an adult - it's time she acted like one. As well as your DH. You do NOT owe her apologies or further explanations. You cannot be there for your health and your son's health. If she doesn't like it or accept it, that's HER problem. Your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mum and tell her that you are doing what is best for you and your son, and if she continues to badger you, then you will have to refrain from contacting them.

You are adults - you are free to stay with whom you please (including your relatives, whether she likes it or not). She continues to act like a spoiled child because people allow her to do so.

As far as your DH is concerned - yes, you say he knows you will forgive him - but I couldn't forgive my DH for knowingly risking my son's (or my) health just to placate someone else. That's not sensitive, that's someone who hasn't learned to stand up to his mum yet. And needs to learn.

Sorry, I know it sounds harsh, but I absolutely cannot believe you are contemplating getting a DOCTOR'S NOTE to give to your MIL! It's way OTT!!!