AIBU? Probably, but I still really need to vent somewhere...

[Pizazz]

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's another in laws rant, so if you don't want to hear it please leave now!

Had a MASSIVE row with DH again today, always over the same thing: MiL We never fight about anything else.

Here's the problem - I am severely allergic to cats, and MiL has three. I don't mean a little bit sneezy - I break out in hives and have wheezing and sore throat/nose for several days after being in someones house with one. It's really annoying, because lots of our friends have cats, and they are always disappointed when we say we can't visit, but we really can't.

Whilst I was dating DH it didn't seem to be so bad, but that was partly because I would take several antihistamines every time I visited (I know - you should only take the prescribed dose, but it was the only way I could manage) and was constantly doped up and drowsy when we were there.

Whilst in hospital last year I had a reaction to some antibiotics and the doctors gave me piriton and I had a really bad reaction, ended up losing 4 days where I just lay in a bed and drooled. The dr advised me not to take it again as I may have overdone it in the past and am now experiencing the side effects more heavily.

On top of this, DS was diagnosed with asthma at 9 months, after repeatedly taking him for chest x-rays/oxygen/ventilator after visiting with MiL. Knowing how I feel after visiting, I really can't bear to think that he is going through this too, and too young to tell us about it.

Because of this I make a real effort to invite MiL to ours as often as possible (we live a 7 hour drive away) and when we are in town (she lives near my parents) we always invite her over.

Thing is SiL and MiL don't think that's enough. We are constantly having bitchy comments from SiL and MiL always pretends not to know why we can't come over (even though we keep explaining).

It's all come to a bit of a head today because it's MiL's 50th soon. She is having a big party and we are going, even though she asked us when we were free and we specifically said not that weekend (we have a wedding the next day and will have to be up at crack of dawn to drive there).

Now SiL is setting up another surprise tea party on her actual bday (not the date of the party) and wants us to attend that as well, but it will be at the house. I told her we would not be able to attend at the house, but would happily come if we could arrange a picnic or tea on the lawn.

SiL says that it will just be for a few hours and we'll all survive. I have said again in a polite but firm email that we will not be attending if it is at the house, but we hope they have a lovely time and will be excited to meet up with them elsewhere another time.

Now DH is angry with me for not consulting him before replying to her.

We have talked about why I don't want to go there, or take DS and both agreed that it is better not to. I can see it's really hard for him as he feels torn between us (it's one of the reasons he wanted us to move as far from family as possible when we got married) but I get so upset when we fight over it.

He is a wonderful man and does treat me far better than I deserve in every other aspect. I know that me and DS mean the world to him, but as soon as MiL steps on the scene it's like he really doesn't care what we go through so long as she is happy.

You are correct, SiL is actually only 2 years younger than me [blushes] but I still feel for her, because they have grown up with no dad and their mum is a really controlling influence in their lives. I really don't know how I would cope bringing up DS on my own if anything happened to DH. I think you have to have some kind of grace for that, no?

There is a HUUUUUGE difference between loving your mum and allowing her to walk all over you. He needs to get the idea that he can love his mum and still tell her "no" and mean it. When your son gets to be a teenager (or even now really), your DH isn't going to always let him have his way just because he loves him, is he? It's the same thing, isn't it?

The issue here is, as many have identified, not so much the cat or MIL but your husband's lack of support for you.

Would your husband contemplate going to relate to discuss these issues? Might make him realise this is badly affecting his marriage.

The fact SIL doesn't have a dad does not justify her controlling behaviour. You are too nice, Pizazz!

You need to point out to your DH that it isn't acceptable for your son to struggle to breathe for a period of time just because the effects can be reversed.
DH has mild asthma and cats exacerbate it. Nothing 'serious', just continual sneezing, headache, watering eyes...still it's not nice and there's no way I'd expect him to put up with it if we could avoid it!

He is well aware that he can love her without being controlled by her, but can she love him?

He regularly makes comments like 'I don't know if she'd ever forgive us if...' and 'I don't think we can risk it. She might never speak to us again' which I didn't understand until we had been married nearly 4 years and I found out that she had had some feud with one of her brothers and not spoken to him since 1978! DH doesn't know what it was about, only that all the other family members think it was pointless. Even worse is, DH didn't know uncle existed until he was nearly 17!

DH desperately wants to keep a relationship with his mother, who he loves very much. It might mean letting her walk all over him, just so that she doesn't cut him off. But he seems to think that is better than no relationship at all.

Pizazz, I don't even know why you're asking all this. Just say unfortunately you can't come to her house because, as she knows, her cats are a serious health risk to her dil and gs. Suggest that she rehome the cats or come to visit you instead.

I think you shouldn't try to deal with your MIL at all. I think you should concentrate on your DH. I'm not criticizing you btw as I was in a situation like this with MIL's stupidity and manipulative ways undermining our relationship etc.

Go to the doctor and ask about you and ds being in an environment like your MIL's. Explain that your dh simply doesn't understand how difficult and dangerous it is for you. Ask him/her what he think the effect of being there will be on your son.

Then go home and tell dh what the doctor has said. Leave him to deal with MIL. Your DH needs to have your condition, and your son's, drummed into him. Enlist the help of the experts; focus your energy on DH. Then let him deal with MIL.

If your MIL decides never to talk to you again, then that is her decision. You cannot be held to ransom like this and be afraid to do what is best for you and yours. It's really abusive.

Let her strop. Let her sulk. Let her never talk to you or your DH again. You can't let someone else have such control over your marriage. Because she does have big control over it.

You can bet she'll be in a mood for about a year. Then she'll start talking again but she'll know that you won't take her crap anymore.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and not let people walk all over you.

Your DH disregards your concerns because he knows you'll forgive him - will you really forgive him if your DS gets a bad attack? Or any attack? I wouldn't forgive him for even allowing my child's health to come into question. I think you really need to consider your DH's priorities - where do you come in them? Where does your DS?

YANBU

My DH is allergic to cats, and my mum had a seriously manky house and cats. It was HELL to visit. DH, bless him, would try. He'd take the allergy meds, but still end up sneezing, red-eyed and wheezing. It was horrible. The next few days after a visit he'd sleep bad because of pain in his back and feeling like he was drowning.

If you have a LO with asthma and suspected cat allergies then it is ABSOLUTELY reasonable, to insist that you not expose him to any triggers. You are being a responsible parent, protecting your DS's health. This is your DS's LIFE you are being asked to put on the line so as not to upset a manipulative, controlling utterly unreasonable MIL. What if you don't get to the neb and O2 on time? What if your DS suffers BRAIN DAMAGE from O2 deprivation?

As an asthma sufferer I can tell you that the suffocating, restrictive feeling of having an attack is terrifying. Just because meds and O2 relieve it, doesn't mean it's OK to subject someone to it if it's avoidable, especially a little boy who has no idea what's happening and that it will pass.

Your DH obviously has serious boundary issues with his mum, I'm sure it's difficult for you to navigate around them. You have to make a stand on this though. If your MIL thinks she can win this round, when your DS's health is at risk, then she'll start to interfere in other areas of your parenting and relationship. Draw the line here. Tell DH this is non-negotiable and he must stand by you on it no matter how his mum reacts.

Perhaps some counselling/therapy/self-help books might be helpful in this too. It sounds like your DH will need some help to draw healthy boundaries with his mum.

I think you are being too nice and too reasonable to be honest.
I know this is a total side issue but if they want a 'family holiday' you ought to be invited too!

My mum has almost died from an asthma attack in the past, it isn't always just wheezing and being a bit breathless. There's no point risking it!

Once your child needs oxygen there is no question as to whether you are being unreasonable or not. You are not being unreasonable at all. Just showed this to my dh and he completely agrees with me. Although I have to make a public apology - I am actually quite fond of my mil. Although she has a terrible chain smoking and cat habit she is very sympathetic to my asthma and allergies. In addition my husband ALWAYS tells her when she is behaving badly.

I think you need to point out to your dh that he needs to sort out his priorities: for whom has he the greatest concern? His family of the past or his family of the future.

I still think it would be better to just deal with your dh and leave him to deal with MIL. I really think asking your GP for a run down of what the likely effects on your son of being in your MIL's house for any length of time, and then quote his answer to your DH. If he doesn't believe you then he should go to the GP himself so he can hear it at first hand. The GP, if he's doing his job properly will make sure that dh understands how bad an idea it is and how important it is that he ensure his son does not spend time in that atmosphere.

Your MIL might want to argue the toss, but both of you know that she is in no way as knowledgeable about this as your family doctor.

Spoke to DH again (bit more calmly) and he agrees that we shouldn't go if it's at the house. He just feels very caught in the middle and finds it hard. I tried to explain that he is only caught in the middle if he is not on our side, but he doesn't feel that. Although he agrees with my stand, he still feels like it's my feud with his family (?) and that I make things worse in the way I handle them. So I have agreed to ignore all emails and texts from his sister until he is available to read through it with me and help me to write and appropriate response. It does make sense, he has known them longer than I have, and might have an easier time communicating without misinterpretation.

Still not quite agreed on this point though:
I think if we have a picnic it should be at the park or something. DH says it should be fine to have it in their backyard. The thing is we have tried this before, but people keep carrying DS indoors, or bringing out the cats toys for him to play with. I'm not happy and want it awya from the house completely, but DH thinks this is an unreasonable request, and that the yard should be fine.

What do you think? I have said no so far, but do I need to back down to show that I am willing to make some compromises? It might make me a little more favorable to the in laws, and if we did stay in the garden it wouldn't be a problem. I'm just not sure if I trust them to stay in the garden...

*away (obviously)

Will you be there in the garden too? If so, then, with your dh's support then you ought to be able to stop your ds being taken into the house? So as a concession, you agree to the garden. BUt your dh's concession has to be that he absolutely deals with any interfering relatives who want to countermand your (as a couple) wishes.

YANBU at all, sorry I'm late to this thread. Some others have posted some good suggestions, I'm with Jux on this. I hope you can get it sorted out.

"he still feels like it's my feud with his family (?)"

His family is you and your DS as well though!

Hi Pooka - I know it's awful to say I don't trust him to do that, but I don't. He becomes a different man around his mum. The outgoing confident guy I married does not exist in that house. It's one thing for him to promise to back me up, but when we get there his mom and sister shout him down/talk over him/do whatever they bloody well like and I can't see this being any different. The answer is always 'Well I raised you fine by myself didn't I?' and our ideas about parenting get brushed aside.

I also think he would find it extremely hard to tell his mothers friends they couldn't do something (like take DS indoors). He has to ask if he can go to the bathroom or change into his shorts (they find naked legs etc... offensive)! Honestly, when we first started dating my parents nearly died laughing when he asked for permission to remove his shirt on a beach!

YOur inlaws sound as mad as a box of frogs wrt permission to bare chest.

I can see where you're coming from - it'll end up with you having to be tough cop, and drawing yet more criticism from your inlaws.

No advice really - horrible situation. Your dh really really has to grow a pair and stand up for his own family (i.e. you and your ds).

Agree with everyone that your mil is controlling, manipulative and unreasonable.

also you say she's only 50, and is a qualified pharmacist. initially i had an image of a considerably older, possibly slightly senile lady who was just not mentally capable of understanding your point of view. Not that you should have bent to her will at all had that been the scenario ! What I mean is that at 50 she is in the prime of her life and should really have the intelligence and emotional maturity to get on with her own life and stop manipulating your dh.
Yes it's sad she was widowed at a young age but she can't keep clinging on to her ds like this now he's a married adult with a young child of his own. She's playing the irritating old lady card here and I'm pissed off on your behalf. how immature and inappropriately needy of her to whinge that when in her town you stay with your Mum ! You make a huge effort to travel a long way to see them all, and get nothing but carping and griping from her.

She needs to look forward not back but sadly I don't think you'll change her.

Just want to add my support to you pizazz and to say that you can add me to the MNs who think YANBU at all. I am totally and utterly incredulous that your mil is remaining so ignorant on this.

As for compromising on being outside maybe you could say that as long as dh backs you up whenever someone wants to take ds into the house or give him a cat toy to play with that is fine. The second he even hesitates you will leave with ds without arguing the toss - you will just go. Then when he doesn't back you up go.

I really think showing him this thread would be good. You have been very eloquent in your explanations of how you feel and you haven't been disloyal to him or unnpleasant about his family at all - you have stated the situation as it is. Hopefully your dh will not see any of this in a negative way - I think there is a reasonable amount of understanding for the difficult situation he is in but until he stands up to them this will continue to be an issue and eventually may be a threat to your marriage if he continues to put your and ds's health ahead of mil's feelings

'As for compromising on being outside maybe you could say that as long as dh backs you up whenever someone wants to take ds into the house or give him a cat toy to play with that is fine. The second he even hesitates you will leave with ds without arguing the toss - you will just go. Then when he doesn't back you up go.'

I think that is a really good idea Alice, and I'll suggest it to him tonight. I will probably still be seen as an evil unreasonble cow for walking out in the middle of their party, but so be it. TBH the only reason I haven't done that in the past is because I haven't wanted to cause a scene or embarrass MiL in front of her friends (and probably partly because deep down I still want them to like me!) but I think if I give DH adequate notice that I will do it and it's not an idol threat, he might have more courage to stand up to them (even if it's only because he doesn't want me to cause a scene!

Good luck Pizazz!

The thing is though that if you say that is what you are going to do if he doesn't back you up you need to be 100% sure you will do it. If you don't then he won't realise how serious you are.

If he doesn't like this and can't come up with an alternative ehich you are happy doesn't put ds (or you) at risk I would say that you are not going and there is no further discussion.

Honestly I am totally seething on your behalf and horrified at your mil putting your son at risk like this. You are being so so much more reasonable than I would be and I don't like to offend people either!!!