AIBU? Probably, but I still really need to vent somewhere...

[Pizazz]

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's another in laws rant, so if you don't want to hear it please leave now!

Had a MASSIVE row with DH again today, always over the same thing: MiL We never fight about anything else.

Here's the problem - I am severely allergic to cats, and MiL has three. I don't mean a little bit sneezy - I break out in hives and have wheezing and sore throat/nose for several days after being in someones house with one. It's really annoying, because lots of our friends have cats, and they are always disappointed when we say we can't visit, but we really can't.

Whilst I was dating DH it didn't seem to be so bad, but that was partly because I would take several antihistamines every time I visited (I know - you should only take the prescribed dose, but it was the only way I could manage) and was constantly doped up and drowsy when we were there.

Whilst in hospital last year I had a reaction to some antibiotics and the doctors gave me piriton and I had a really bad reaction, ended up losing 4 days where I just lay in a bed and drooled. The dr advised me not to take it again as I may have overdone it in the past and am now experiencing the side effects more heavily.

On top of this, DS was diagnosed with asthma at 9 months, after repeatedly taking him for chest x-rays/oxygen/ventilator after visiting with MiL. Knowing how I feel after visiting, I really can't bear to think that he is going through this too, and too young to tell us about it.

Because of this I make a real effort to invite MiL to ours as often as possible (we live a 7 hour drive away) and when we are in town (she lives near my parents) we always invite her over.

Thing is SiL and MiL don't think that's enough. We are constantly having bitchy comments from SiL and MiL always pretends not to know why we can't come over (even though we keep explaining).

It's all come to a bit of a head today because it's MiL's 50th soon. She is having a big party and we are going, even though she asked us when we were free and we specifically said not that weekend (we have a wedding the next day and will have to be up at crack of dawn to drive there).

Now SiL is setting up another surprise tea party on her actual bday (not the date of the party) and wants us to attend that as well, but it will be at the house. I told her we would not be able to attend at the house, but would happily come if we could arrange a picnic or tea on the lawn.

SiL says that it will just be for a few hours and we'll all survive. I have said again in a polite but firm email that we will not be attending if it is at the house, but we hope they have a lovely time and will be excited to meet up with them elsewhere another time.

Now DH is angry with me for not consulting him before replying to her.

We have talked about why I don't want to go there, or take DS and both agreed that it is better not to. I can see it's really hard for him as he feels torn between us (it's one of the reasons he wanted us to move as far from family as possible when we got married) but I get so upset when we fight over it.

He is a wonderful man and does treat me far better than I deserve in every other aspect. I know that me and DS mean the world to him, but as soon as MiL steps on the scene it's like he really doesn't care what we go through so long as she is happy.

Sorry - you are giving her a doctors note?

I'd be more likely to give her the finger, but then don't listen to me

This woman is a pharmacist? She should be struck off ( or pharmacist equivalent )and your DH needs to stick up for his wife and son!

Yes roulade, but her explaination is that there is advice she legally has to give, and then there is the real world where you can weigh up decisions and the risk is minimal.

I don't know enough about it to argue with her, which is why i got the GP to write a strongly worded note. I don't think she would tell anyone at work that it's ok to take piriton when pg IYSWIM

Agree with MmeLindt.

Personally I would really put my foot down over something that involves the health of a baby.

This has got out of hand and needs to be stopped. I would say to DH that there is NO WAY you and baby are going to any event in the future including your MIL until she understands how serious this all is. You need to find the fire to mean it. I suggest a statement piece where you make it clear you are so firm on this it isn't even a discussion at that point. Say you will leave DH to consider your words and to only approach you when he has thoroughly thought about what and who is most important here.

Then you have room to negotiate backwards from that to say you will attend party but not the other event etc.

The boundaries have been totally crossed so you are now fighting for something that was always your right and your LO's right and non-negotiable, ie not to have your health put at risk.

Get some fury going, and quick. The best advice someone once gave me is "start as you mean to go on". If you are too far compromised then you need to completely wipe the board and start from scratch.

Pizazz - I think the point here is that you DON'T have to argue with her. Just tell her the way it's going to be, and leave it at that. If she continues to argue, let her argue with air. Don't give her the satisfaction of feeling you need to "argue your case" - it puts you on the defensive. There is nothing to argue about. You've made a decision. End of.

I know what you mean CFC, it's just that I feel so unsupported and unreasonable when I do take a stand. It's hard for my family because they live in the same town, so they hear all the time about how mean I am not letting them have DS without me or DH (because I don't trust them not to take him back to their house!). It means that when I am there they are constantly badgering me to make more effort (I don't really know how!) and my mother once offered to pay for us to stay in a hotel ( regardless of the fact that she and dad had just had to remortgage to pay off some unexpected bills) just to try and keep the peace!

It amazes me that I have come on mums net and almost everyone thinks I'm being fairly reasonable, yet in real life I am constantly being told I am not. I guess thats the difference between speaking with friends and speaking with mums...

p.s. also doesn't help that MiL's mother is a disabled chain smoker. I told her she could not smoke in our house and that we would not visit her in her house (cos of smoke). I know it looks really personal, but we just don't have any cats/smokers in our family. It really isn't supposed to be an attack at them, just that I don't want to go stay in a smokey/catty house.
Unfortunately with Great Grandma being disabled she does find it hard to get out of the house. DH sometimes carries her, but she still won't last more than 5 mins without a ciggy, at which point I pick DS up and walk away

Pizazz - can you honestly say your family ythinks that MIL is being reasonable and trying to keep the peace?? It may be tough hearing people discuss it, but is their grandson's (and daughter's) health worth quietening idle local gossip?

If you take a stand now - the gossip will flare for a bit and then it will die down. People find other things to talk about.

No parents don't think MiL is being reasonable, but they also would do anything for a quiet life. They are not suggesting we take DS over, but are willing to pay for us to stay in hotels even though they love having DS over. I just don't think that's fair. It's not what they really want, it's not what I want, and it's certainly not as fun for DS.

Besides which I would feel awful to take money off them when they are struggling financially.

So follow the logic.... the following people think you're being reasonable: you, your family, us, your DH (even though he doesn't have the gonads to tell his mum)... and your MIL & SIL don't... what does that tell you?

The longer you flounder around and hem and haw about it, the more the MIL will line up ammunition against you. Take a stand and stick with it. It'll be tough initially, but it will be soooo much easier in the long run.

Trust me, we've done it. With DD having severe asthma growing up, we had to tell relatives they couldn't smoke at our house or that we couldn't visit there. They weren't always pleased, but when they realised it was not up for negotiation, they got over it. The difference here is that my DH backs me up 100% and is not afraid to do so to either his or my family. (and believe me, my family is the WORST about that sort of thing!!)

Well that is encouraging to hear triggles. I think everyone's point is that my DH needs to grow a pair, but maybe i do. I'm so scared of upsetting DH that I have never really let MiL have it, and I don't think he is strong enough to.

Hey I can always apologise later.. ...right?

Are you sure she is not my mother in law as well? Sounds like a startling similarity between them (although to be fair on mine she does try to decontaminate her house as much as possible, and I am still able to take drugs). I don't blame you for not wanting to take your child. As am adult having an asthma attack is uncomfortable but for a child it can be really scary as well which would make it all the worse. Is there any way she would be prepared to compromise at all? Can your child take any drugs beforehand? Could you just go over for a couple of hours in the afternoon, if she were to open all the windows and clean the room where her party is going to be from top to bottom and keep the cats out of there?

If she is not prepared to compromise then you are no way being unreasonable and I would not do it.

I also agree with everyone else that your DH should say something to her. She does sound really unreasonable.

I've only read the OP, but as someone who has a serious allergy to cats (similar to the OP, by the sounds of it) I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Within MINUTES of being near a cat, I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't think straight...Yes, fresh air helps, but it's not the solution (esp. not for a baby) the only answer is to stay away.

like the OP, the effects last for days afterwards.

I'm not sure if an allergy is the same as asthma? I don't have asthma, but do get back allergies / hayfever, but it's still horrible, scary and debilitating. To want to put your child through that is madness.

YANBU!!

Pizazz - the absolute best thing to do would be to have your DH on your side on this and confront her as a couple. That way she knows she can't try and cause an issue over this between you by putting pressure on him. But if he's not strong enough, you'll have to do it. But I wouldn't blindside him - let him know you'll speak to her if he won't, but that you expect him to back you up COMPLETELY.

Pizazz
We are the normal ones, not your MIL/SIL and yes, even your parents.

Think about how you feel when you have an asthma attack, then how scary it must be for a child to go through that.

Have you ever told your DH how it feels to have an attack? I cannot imagine it, but my Dad has asthma and COPD and I can see an attack coming by looking at his face.

Perhaps start there. Write down how the attack starts, how it feels to you. Get your DH to read that and then tell him that is how his son will feel if he has to sit in a house where a cat lives.

And don't forget, a child is much closer to the floor where all the cat hair etc is.

Ali - I'm pretty sure she is not your MiL as DH is her only son... ...unless there is something I don't know!! LOL

DS is too young to take over the counter piriton, and although he can have medised (paracetamol & antihistamine combined available on prescription) I don't see why I should have to give him drugs which will make him sleep through the visit anyway. Personally I don't believe in giving him medication that he doesn't need.

We have tried going over after she has promised to vaccuum and damp dust - and I'm not saying she didn't do it - but it really didn't make a difference to my allergies, and yes DS ended up back at the Baycall dr's getting oxygen again. This was also probably because she thought that the cats scratching posts and balls would make appropriate toys for a 6mo (it was a while ago and before we had a proper asthma diagnosis, but I had expressed concerns about his breathing and told her I thought he was allergic to cats - hence the vacuuming and damp dusting).

I probably am being a little unreasonable in that I am now longer willing to compromise at all (regardless of open windows, cat being in another room or whatever) but she has shown so little regard for my concerns and ideas about raising my son that I feel she has given me no reason to trust that she has DSs best interest at heart. I'm convinced she just sees him as her DGS and not as a person in his own right with thoughts and feelings. She wants to show him off to her mates in her house, without a care for what that means to him or me.

I can understand her not caring how it makes me feel, but DS is a person, and if she really loved him I don't think she would be willing to put him through this.

Besides which, it's pretty telling that she always cancels when we invite her up here or out to do something else. She doesn't want to see DS, she wants to see him on her own terms IYSWIM

"I probably am being a little unreasonable in that I am now longer willing to compromise at all (regardless of open windows, cat being in another room or whatever)"

No, you are most definitely not being unreasonable. At all.

Well, actually, now I think you are being unreasonable because you're so goddamn reasonable! Stop it!

Pizazz, please show your dh this post. He is trying to maintain some relationship with is mum (why?) and is putting his family's health at risk. You do sound so reasonable and accomodating, please support your dh so he can support you. best of luck.

His mum is very manipulative and controlling SBS, but she is still his mum and he loves her.

I really hope I don't behave like this when DS gets married.... :S

It is not unreasonable to want to protect your child from a SERIOUS risk to his health!

Repeat after me

"I am not being unreasonable here"

over and over until it sinks in

I am not being unreasonable here
I am not being unreasonable here
I am not being unreasonable here
I am not being unreasonable here
I am not being unreasonable here...

...then why do I still feel so guilty?

Because she is a Class A manipulator.

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest. Nor should you or your parents have to fork out for a hotel.

Your DH needs to grow a backbone and be straight with her.

Hi Pizazz,
I'm coming late to this thread but just wanted to add that YANNNNNNNBU at all. The fact that your MIL is a pharmacist is the most shocking thing here - of course she understands what asthma can do. I agree with whoever said she should be struck off! I really feel for you, your DH and your DS. Your DH definitely needs some help in coming to terms with his role as husband/son/brother and putting it all into some sort of priority, no? Would you be able to discuss this with him when things have calmed down a bit?

Oh, and your SIL "misses her big brother." Boo hoo. She needs to grow up. I take it she's not five years old any more?

Honestly, your SIL and MIL sound horrible and I think you are a saint for even considering any compromises. Chin up girl - you're right to stick to your guns and you know it.