AIBU? Probably, but I still really need to vent somewhere...

[Pizazz]

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's another in laws rant, so if you don't want to hear it please leave now!

Had a MASSIVE row with DH again today, always over the same thing: MiL We never fight about anything else.

Here's the problem - I am severely allergic to cats, and MiL has three. I don't mean a little bit sneezy - I break out in hives and have wheezing and sore throat/nose for several days after being in someones house with one. It's really annoying, because lots of our friends have cats, and they are always disappointed when we say we can't visit, but we really can't.

Whilst I was dating DH it didn't seem to be so bad, but that was partly because I would take several antihistamines every time I visited (I know - you should only take the prescribed dose, but it was the only way I could manage) and was constantly doped up and drowsy when we were there.

Whilst in hospital last year I had a reaction to some antibiotics and the doctors gave me piriton and I had a really bad reaction, ended up losing 4 days where I just lay in a bed and drooled. The dr advised me not to take it again as I may have overdone it in the past and am now experiencing the side effects more heavily.

On top of this, DS was diagnosed with asthma at 9 months, after repeatedly taking him for chest x-rays/oxygen/ventilator after visiting with MiL. Knowing how I feel after visiting, I really can't bear to think that he is going through this too, and too young to tell us about it.

Because of this I make a real effort to invite MiL to ours as often as possible (we live a 7 hour drive away) and when we are in town (she lives near my parents) we always invite her over.

Thing is SiL and MiL don't think that's enough. We are constantly having bitchy comments from SiL and MiL always pretends not to know why we can't come over (even though we keep explaining).

It's all come to a bit of a head today because it's MiL's 50th soon. She is having a big party and we are going, even though she asked us when we were free and we specifically said not that weekend (we have a wedding the next day and will have to be up at crack of dawn to drive there).

Now SiL is setting up another surprise tea party on her actual bday (not the date of the party) and wants us to attend that as well, but it will be at the house. I told her we would not be able to attend at the house, but would happily come if we could arrange a picnic or tea on the lawn.

SiL says that it will just be for a few hours and we'll all survive. I have said again in a polite but firm email that we will not be attending if it is at the house, but we hope they have a lovely time and will be excited to meet up with them elsewhere another time.

Now DH is angry with me for not consulting him before replying to her.

We have talked about why I don't want to go there, or take DS and both agreed that it is better not to. I can see it's really hard for him as he feels torn between us (it's one of the reasons he wanted us to move as far from family as possible when we got married) but I get so upset when we fight over it.

He is a wonderful man and does treat me far better than I deserve in every other aspect. I know that me and DS mean the world to him, but as soon as MiL steps on the scene it's like he really doesn't care what we go through so long as she is happy.

Thing is, I know it's going to trigger another argument, because by giving the ultimatum before hand I am proving that:
a) I expect them to try and take DS in against my wishes (something DH insists they would not do again
b) I don't trust him not to stop them, and he has apologised profusely for past transgressions in this field.
I still think I'm going to do it though. I hate arguing with him, but the truth of the matter is that both of those above points are true. I am also deeply disappointed that I don't trust him in that area, but there is no point pretending that I do.
It's just going to be a difficult conversation to have

THANK YOU MNETTERS FOR GIVING ME THE COURAGE TO DO IT!

Good luck and let us know how you get on...

Will do

Go Pizazz !

Piz - there is NO WAY your MIL will not talk to you for years! YOU have all the strong hands, you have the Grandson!

And WHY do people think a CAT TOY is acceptable for a child to play with? Have they never heard of Toxoplasmosis?????

apparently not sparky, but when I mentioned this she snorted tea out her nose and told me not to be overdramatic. She's the pharmicist, so I thought maybe she knew more about it than me

Pizazz - while I see the benefit of the suggested agreement with the picnic outside, remember this means that you're going to have to worry even if you go to use the toilet that someone is going to take your DS into the house (most likely MIL, just to "prove her point"). Just something to think about. I would say "if we're going to have a picnic, let's have it at a park or somewhere like that" instead of at her house where you will CONSTANTLY have to be on guard. Because from the sound of MIL & SIL, they will be spoiling to try to prove you wrong, without regard to your DS's health.

I adore cats and adore dd. I was not particularly over-protective but no way would I have given her one of our cat toys to play with. They are covered in drool and heaving knows what else. I would have boiled it for at least 5mins before letting play with one. As I couldn't be bothered to do that, and dd had dd-toys anyway, I deprived her of the pleasure of playing with cat toys. No doubt she will be in therapy for the rest of her life about it.

They really are bonkers aren't they?

Tell your dh to wear shorts to the picnic and don't take a change of trews either.

Lol, Jux you are funny. I don't think MiL has any toys for a toddler, because DS is her only grandson and she thinks that cat toys will be fine (or probably reasons that we say we won't visit anyway, so why store loads of kid toys at her house?)

I do try and bring a couple of his toys with us when we visit, but inevitably whatever she waves at him is more exciting because he's seen all our toys before.

DH has asked me to let him deal with the situation with inlaws (again, I am more than happy too!)

We have agreed that if it does end up in their garden, if the weather is bad we won't go, and I can leave with DS the minute someone tries to take him inside/feed him sweets/give him cat toys. Mostly he is going to try and convince them to take it else where though.

Thanks for all the support MN's

YANBU. Why don't you go but really make your point by taking a gazebo, portable patio heater and don't set foot in her house....she might get the message that it's not her, it's her cat infested house you don't want to visit. Good luck with whatever you do, but you are right not to subject your children or self to things which can make you unwell.

Still flummoxed by the fact your MiL would give her GS a CAT TOY to play with!

Let alone the filth, fluff and cat drool on it for anyone to touch - it's the single, most dangerous thing for your GS and also YOU! I'm lost for words by her doing this!

Good luck Pizazz - the first time you stand up to her will be the worst, then after, it may get easier as you gain in confidence and do what's right for you and DS.