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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
redsock · 14/05/2009 14:09

her xp is the one who walked out and left.
He managed to be without his dd, a lot of dads do not miss their kids. Mum is different, its as if half of her has gone.

if I were you, i would not do shared residency, if dd doesnot wantit. At 5 she is more than capable of saying what she wants.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 14:12

Mumydragon, that is what I have said, you cannot help how you feel but you can help what you do.

Yorkshire, my dd also wants to live with the girl who has a park in her backgarden, the lady who has a nice little fluffy puppy and Grandma, to name but a few

YorkshireRose · 14/05/2009 14:13

Has her DD said she does not want it? She HAS in fact said she does not want to share her dad with her stepsiblings, so seems to want more of dad rather than less.

Yes, 5yo are more than capable of saying what they want at that moment in time, but will probably have changed their minds in 5 minutes (see my last post!)

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 14:14

Redsock, I am sorry that your situation is what it is, it does sound hard for you but I do not agree that a lot of dads do not miss their kids. Even those who have choosen to live without them miss them IMO. Just becasue they don't talk about it does not mean they do not feel it!

I am sure there are some fathers who do not but I would suspect they are in the extreme minority!

Original poster
lyneham · 14/05/2009 14:14

redsock, I really appreciate the support, but DD has already said both to me and exH that she wants both of us. To be fair, the split was a mutual decision, I don't think I have suggested that exH abandoned us, that isn't true. Our finances fell over, we tried to make it work but it was awful for all of us, so I moved into my parents house, and exH to his.

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 14/05/2009 14:14

You ask "how do I cope with exDH having joint residency?", the only answer to that is grow up and think of your DD instead of yourself. You are hurting, it's not what you want - totally understandable and deserving of sympathy - but unfortunately (from your pov) this is not just about you.

mrsruffallo · 14/05/2009 14:16

I think if she is happy at school then you should do your best not to move her

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 14:20

Lyneham, you already have your answer then, you already know what you need to do don't you?

Original poster
lyneham · 14/05/2009 14:24

I don't understand why all of my friends and family would give me such a different answer to you all. I tried to be as 'brass tacks' about it with them as with you.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 14:26

Because they are your friends and family and they will tell you what you want to hear.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 14:28

What FBG said.

As far as I can see there is no good reason to move her school - even if you take exH out of the equation. The school is a couple of miles from the other school so it is going to mean may 20 or 30 mins of traveling for you a day. Even without the other stuff that is not a good enough reason to take a child from a school where they are happy and settled.

If you then add the other stuff back in it just adds to the reasons not to move her.

mrsruffallo · 14/05/2009 14:39

She will be moving home, moving in with your DP. I do think you need to keep her at school as the continuity will help everything run smoothly.

Family relationships are complicated; perhaps your family and friends don't want to upset you.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsruffallo · 14/05/2009 14:40

Also agree with King Canute- there is no good reason to move her.
She is lucky to be happy and settled at school

Haylstones · 14/05/2009 14:45

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies in advance...
Your dd has made it clear what she wants.
Your dh seems to be doing a pretty mature and responsible job of staying involved in your dd's life- why shouldn't he be as equally involved as you? And if your dd is to feel safe and loved I would imagine it is pretty important for her to become attached to her stepsisters- and I think it would be beneficial for her to see you being friendly to them (and your ex's partner).

Not much on MN surprises me tbh but this thread has. Speaking as someone whose parents divorced and was then constantly caught in the middle (my mum still hates my dad and won't talk about him 20 years on) it really can do damage to children well into adulthood. This seems to be something your ex is trying to avoid and I think you'd do well to follow suit.

And i think YABU to even consider moving schools

Onestonetogo · 14/05/2009 14:47

Message withdrawn

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 14:48

Onestone, she is already in school, it is a bit late now to be looking at ofsted reports isn't it?

Besides, would you really think that is a good enough reason to move schools like this? Just because one has a better ofsted report than the other?

piscesmoon · 14/05/2009 19:40

'OK I have re-read the whole thread, everyone is saying the opposite to what my DP, family and friends have said. Maybe I need to re-think the school change.

How do I cope with exH having shared residency, can someone tell me that? '

I am glad that you are taking people's comments on board. I think that is what is good about mumsnet-you get it as it is, your friends are not going to be able to be truthful because it would be too hurtful.
I don't think that redsocks advice is very helpful, she obviously has her own axe to grind. Your ex may not have been too good when she was small, but he seems well balanced now and he has a stable family set up. The courts have decided that joint residency is in the best interests of your DD. I think that you would be silly to try and use the schools situation to get her to live with you. Your DH will fight it and has a lot of good reasons-you have only the fact that you are her mother and want her full time. Even if you were to get the school change, if I was your ex I would refuse to be manipulated and would move heaven and earth to manage both schools.If you can't win there is no point in starting.

I do actually have every sympathy with you, I would hate it. However I didn't sound sympathetic because it is all about you. The part that I found was upsetting was that 2 little girls try and speak to you, and be friendly, and you don't want to know, I can imagine the atmosphere that you create. These little girls are innocent and you also said that their mother had nothing to do with the split.

I think you cope with it by being accepting the overtures of friendship. You make it easy for your DD by giving one extended family, rather than warring factions. (I have DCs from 2 fathers-each family treats the DCs who aren't related equally-it has never occurred to them not to). I would get to know your DDs sisters (starting by acknowledging that they have an important relationship with her)and you take all 3 girls out sometimes, or have them over to tea.

You have to see that your needs are different from your DDs. I think you would love it if XH and his family emigrated and just sent birthday and Christmas presents, your second choice would be weekend access, and your worst scenario is what you have. Unfortunately it is the exact opposite order for your DD. If you can't cope with it you should try the counselling, but it is important that you put DD first.

If you don't you may well find you are like YorkshireRose's friend (I apologise if I have the wrong person) and your DD will hate the bitterness and want to go and live with her father in her teens. In contrast you could be part of an extended family and get invited to DDs step sisters wedding etc in years to come. I know which I would prefer.
Life very often turns out to be not what you want but you have to adapt and change and make the best of it.

Nighbynight · 14/05/2009 21:59

lyneham, it must be upsetting for you to be getting used to a shared domestic setup. Hope you get settled into a routine soon.

dongles · 14/05/2009 22:05

I've only skimmed this thread. It sounds like you are using the school move issue as a way of trying to limit your ex's involvement, as a 2 mile difference would not seem to justify a school move or be fair to your DD.

However, with regard to the wider issue it sounds like you got a raw deal through mediation. When I used to practice family law, the courts were really against shared residency because they didn't think it was in the child's best interest, being too disruptive and unsettling. For such a young child, there would have been a very strong preference for the mother having residency and the father having the standard every other weekend and a mid week sleepover.

Mediation would have given your ex more of a say, and the problem you have now is that it has become the status quo whilst your child is steadily getting older. Personally, it would kill me to leave my child every other week and I also feel such a young child is better off having one main base. As they get older they can vote with their feet, but right now you do have a large degree of control which you have not exercised.

If you really can't cope with shared residency, then you should consult a solicitor and consider taking your case to a residency court hearing.

Onestonetogo · 14/05/2009 22:08

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 14/05/2009 22:15

'If you really can't cope with shared residency,'

It isn't a question of OP not coping-it is about her DD who is coping,and would cope better if her mother acknowledged the rest of her family. I am not going to go back to the beginning to find out, but I thought that a solicitor had already been consulted and it would cost a lot of money and it would probably still result in the joint residency.

dongles · 14/05/2009 22:22

If I were the OP, I would consult another solicitor as the courts do not (or certainly didn't used to) like shared residency for such a young child.

PortoPandemico · 14/05/2009 22:23

This is sucha hard one! On one level I can totally understand why you are so upset with the current scenario. It would totally break my hear to think that my dd spent one week in two away from me with another fanily!

On the other hand, if it HAD to be that way, I would do everything i could to ensure that she was happy with it. My dd LOVES her dad. I can't imagine trying to keep her away from him, no matter the emotional turmoil that might cause ME! Mind you I haven't been there so......

But I HAVE been on the other side ish....My mother died when I was small and I was brought up by my maternal grandparents. The PLAN was that when we were older, we'd go back to my dad. But my dad remarried, and there was no room. We went for weekends but never ever permanently. There wasn't the room.

They would have MADE room, but at that stage our GM put such guilt trips upon my sister and I and my dad, and a court battle about maintenance, and she reported dad to the inland revenue for claiming stuff he shouldn't have done, and it went on and on...and caused so much unhappiness.

In fact we were appointed a social worker who came to inspect the bedroom I had slept in for 15 years! And told me I could get a flat, and dsis could go into care!!!! These things can get RIDICULOUS!

trixymalixy · 14/05/2009 22:28

Lyneham, I'm not going to repeate what everyone else has said as it should be pretty clear that YABU.

I do sympathise with you as it must be very difficult having to hand over your DD every week.

However this is the situation you are in and you need to work to make it the best it can be.

The positives are that your DD has effectively two sets of parents who obviously love her very much and some siblings who love her too.

Your ex's new partner seems like she wants to make things work as amicably as possible which reading some threads on here is generally not always the case so you need to be thankful for that and start making an effort yourself.