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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 09:43

I spoke to DP about this last night and he has said that if DD was at a school within walking distance to our new house then he would be happy to drop and collect her from school, meaning that she wouldn't have to go to school clubs at all. He doesn't drive so doing this at the current school would not be an option.

I will still consider leaving her where she is, but if DD can spend time with a 'parent' as opposed to childcare, surely this would be a good thing?

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 09:47

Lyneham, so regardless of what advice you have been given you are basically sticking to your original ideas of moving dd?

Of course your DP will say he will happily collect dd its what YOU want...

mememememememememememe

Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 09:50

Lady, surely if DD is with DP as opposed to childcare then it is better for her. I know when exH DW gave up working FT 3 months or so ago DD seemed happier there.

OP posts:
dongles · 15/05/2009 09:53

How long standing and stable is your relationship with your DP? How well does your DD know him? Is he likely to get a job in the future which will disrupt the school run, as opposed to your ex's wife who may be a long term SAHM?

These are all factors that a court would take into account in a specific issue application for a school move. You would also probably need to show that the school is as good if not better than the current one, so that you can demonstrate that you are thinking about what is best for your child and not just you.

If you can find a solicitor with current child issue experience, who can link up with a good barrister, then I would think you might have a good case for giving your DD a main stable base with you. But the longer you leave it, the more likely a court would find that your DD is coping well with the shared set up.

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 09:55

I think that your exH has a very good point here: your DD is already settled at a school where the children that she lives with, in a family set up, at his house, go to school. There are very good reasons for putting all the children in one family at the same school.

Two miles is nothing in school drop-off terms.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 09:57

Lyneham, I personally cannot see a problem with the journey which is what you have made an issue of.

My morning routine is

wake up at 6.45
get ds1 up
make a coffee while he has breakfast
get ds2 up get him dressed,
ds1 gets dressed
we leave at 7.55 everyday to get to school by bus. with ds2 in his pram as he is only 19m old.

When ds1 was the same age as your dd I used to do an hour and half journey to school because he was happy in the school he was in, went to after school clubs etc.

what would dd be doing with dp? playing with other children?

I personally would leave her where she is if she is happy and settled. This is about her not you. But you are making about you sorry if you don't like hearing that but you are.

You priority should be her happiness and she has got used to the way things are with her life and here you are going to uproot her from her home, school and normal routine. You as an adult will cope better than she will. Moving home is stressful enough without changing her life completely.

Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 10:08

DP and I have been together for 18 months and we are very happy. He is a bar manager so works evenings and lunchtimes, in this line of work it is unlikely his hours would change, even if he changed jobs. DD and DP get on really well, it would be nice for DD to be able to have friends round for playdates, which she can't when she is with me currently as I am at work and she it at ASC.

I know that 2 miles doesn't seem a lot, but it is in the centre of a city and during the morning rush hour would take 20-25 minutes in the car.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 10:10

As others have pointed out, your DD should be your first priority here. The move will already be unsettling for her; why also make her change schools, more particularly when she goes to the same school as the children she lives with at her father's house? Don't be selfish .

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 10:11

Lyneham, that is not an acceptable solution to any of the problems with moving the school apart from the one you have dreamed up about after school care. WHat about the weeks when she is at her dads? Dp picking her up will make no difference then will it and she will have to go into pre/post school care at the new school to wait for her dad to be able to collect her and drop her off to get around the two school problem meaning her situation will actually be exatly the same as if she stayed at her current school and you collected her on your weeks but she would have to go through all that upheaveal.

You are trying to justify yourself in an unjustifiable situation. There is still no good reason to move her!

Dongles, you keep suggesting going back to court but the op has said she can't afford it, also the situation is in place and the child is happy - she has told the op that. A court will almost definitly say no to any changes and why would you advise someone with a happy child to put them through all of that? Caffcass interviews, warring parents, the strife and upset at court appearances, the tension and hurt... all to probably come out exactly where they are now - and being told to stay in the school to boot? It just makes no sense, she has already had advice and been told a court is unlikely to change anything.

For a two mile school move the Op would have to show that the child is suffering at the current school and would suffer further without the move, this would have to be a long term thing so saying she is not getting on with one of her peers or something won't cut it, even showing that the new school is a better school will not cut it.

As for a stable base? Well, if the op went to court she would be showing that she has agreed to a situation, run it for a few months and then gone to court to try to change the situation to a different one...whilst also moving house and attempting to force a school move, do you honestly think any judge is going to see that as a person who is giving a stable base?

idranktheteaatwork · 15/05/2009 10:15

So you think that it will be far better to move your childs school, reduce drastically her time with her father that by your own admission she wants more of and instead have your new dp do school runs even though you seem to think that your expartners wife should not be doing this??

Fuck me, i hope your partner takes you to court to make the shared residency official. You do realise that the courts look at the precedent don't you? In other words they will not change the status quo

In any case, all of your talk of moving schools is just blueskying anyway, because unless your ex gives his permission you can't do it......

Selfish selfish woman.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 10:16

"It would be nice to have friends back for playdates" Come on???

Currently she is at an ASC - with her friends, playing... so having friends back will make little or no difference to her, in fact she will end up seeing less of her friends. Which means the playdate thing must be something that you want to do... but you won't even be there, you will be at work...

I am sorry but, so far, the more you write the more this is about you and it is getting silly now. I think you are going to have to accept that you are not going to convince the majority of us that this is a good thing for your child and make your decision.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 10:16

Lyneham you are looking for excuses. 25 minutes in the car is no time. YOU have chosen to move not DD, why should she be uprooted from her home,her school, her life as she knows it to accomadate you? when you are obviously not considering her.

Would you feel the same if DD wanted to move to be nearer a friend? and you had to leave your job and your life as you knew it?

Try putting yourself in the same situation as a little girl and not an adult.

I could have easily moved ds when i moved so he would have had less time travelling to school as it is he has been in the same school since he was 4 and is about to leave to go to secondary. And i have had to travel at times at others the school was a 20 minute walk.

DD will have time to spend with you and your new dp at weekends and holidays please don't totally change her life on the hope of her dad changing his mind about joint residency tht would be unfair on her forget you and your ex but think what she has got used to.

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 10:17

I'm also a huge fan of shared residency in divorce. It works extremely well in our family - by virtue of the fact that DP and I chose to live a five minutes drive/bus ride from DP's exW, and all the children live 10 minutes from their schools and near to their friends' houses, whichever parent they are spending time with.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 10:18

FWIW if you really want dp to pick dd up after school on your weeks there is no reason at all why he cannot walk it - it is 2 miles FGS, buy dd a scooter and hey presto....

MillyR · 15/05/2009 10:19

Lyneham, I think you are on here, and by the sounds of it also with your family and friends in real life, trying to morally justify your possible decisions. But that is all irrelevant. We are not a court.

You need to follow the advice on here to go back to your solicitor or get a new one. People have said on here that it is unusual for their to be shared residency in a child this young. Go back now and see if you can get primary residency now before it is too late.

If the new wife is a SAHM, and with the family benefits of their being step siblings, your ex may even have a case for trying to get primary residency in years to come. I think you should act now.

To be honest, the fact that you are more interested in discussing you annoyance with your ex than getting serious legal advice suggests it is not really the residency of your daughter that you are bothered about.

If courts tend not to think shared residency is good for young children, then that goes hugely in your favour, as you used to be the primary carer.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 10:23

MillyR, she has had legal advise, she was advised not to go to court because she would lose.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 10:24

King, I walk ds1 home from school and you are right a scooter is great even when they are 10 yrs old lol....

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 10:26

Yes, I have even found that dog walking in the freezing cold and pouring rain becomes fun if you can do it on a scooter, apparently

MillyR · 15/05/2009 10:27

I know she has had legal advice, but that doesn't mean she can't get more. Family law is a very complex area and I cannot understand why someone who wants to change their situation so badly would bother debating it on an internet forum. I mean, most of the people on this thread are not solicitors.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 10:27

At the end of the day the important one here is the DD and she is happy with her life as it is.

Her life is going to be uprooted enough, not only moving but moving in with mummys partner which is something she is going to have to get used to anyway. Regardless of how well they get on NOW, living with him is going to be very different.

Lyneham you have go to step away from your feelings for a moment, put yourself in dd's shoes or even better how would you feel if exH was moving and chose to move DD's school so she was nearer to where he was moving to to make his life easier?

Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 10:27

exH DW works 2-3 days a week within school hours AFAIK, but she will presumably stop work in September when their baby arrives. Even less time and attention to go round then.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 10:32

So your DD will have a half-sister too, at her father's house, and there will be a full-time SAHM?

You should be very careful indeed, because it sounds as if your exH has a fully functional family here with all children at the same school and everything hunky-dory. I wouldn't rock the boat or you may find yourself seriously sidelined.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 10:32

No but most of them have been through the family courts and have followed other peoples experiences, this backs up what she has been advised so it is looking pretty safe...

Yes family law is complex but it is quite simple also, it is based around what is best for the child, what is best for the child is to be happy and if the child is currently happy and would be made unhappy by the proposals then a court will not touch it, especially if what is being proposed is aimed at controlling or limiting contact without good reason - and good reason needs to be things like the child being beaten and starved not things like mummy thinks she should be with mummy more.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/05/2009 10:35

So why is it ok for you to use the argument she can spend time with your DP (who isnt blood related as you put it) but not ok for her to spend time with your exs partner and children?

Joint residence sounds great for your daughter, she gets time with both mum and dad. You seem to think only a mother loves a child and should spend every moment with them. You are both her parents, neither of you are ranked higher than the other.

Your ex and his partner sound caring, whereas you sound selfish and want everything your own way. Your DP moved closer to your DD's school which shows he cares enough to do so.

If you do force the school move, I do hope he takes you to court and blocks it/gets more time with his DD. As an adult, you should do what is best for your child rather than simply trying to have everything your own way.

As for your family agreeing with you, of course they will as no doubt you have painted them a picture of what you want them to see.

YorkshireRose · 15/05/2009 10:44

Morning King, how are you today?

Lyneham - I think you really are on a loser trying to paint going to ASC as a disadvantage for your DD. At my DSs school the ASC is so popular that even the kids with SAHMs who do not need to go nag their mums into letting them go at least part of the week. My DS always greets me with "oh no, you are here already, I am still playing"!

And as others have said, your DP will only be picking her up for half the time. When she has her weeks with your ex you would be forcing them into a really difficult arrangement which will probably result in all the DCs getting home a lot later.

But as you have said, this is really about causing so much trouble for your ex that he gives up on the shared residence. Which your DD has already told you she is happy with.

This is leaving a really nasty taste in the mouth.