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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 14/05/2009 11:47

Wannabe it is the remarks about the ex step children that actually made me lose a lot of sympathy. My ex's dp has a dd the same age as mine and when they come here to see the children they stay overnight and I have suggested the dd (who is desperate to come tomy dd's house) stays here overnight ocassionally so ex and his dp can go out for a meal and a grown up evening.

The children always are the innocent ones in all of this I find it much easier to be nice to ex's partner than to be horrid, yes it is hard seeing my children love someone else but I also understand that ultimately I am their mum and they will always love me as such.

Original poster
lyneham · 14/05/2009 12:07

It's not that I dislike the girls, it's just that I don't see what they have to do with me. I've never been rude to them so I don't see the problem.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 12:13

As far as they are concerned, you are the mother of their stepsister so you are an important person to them because she is, they should be important to you too, after all their happiness etc impacts directly on your daughter. That is what they have to do with you. The clearly have been bought up with great manners and sound lovely, why would it kill you to be nice?

TBH, like it or not, these people are now a part of your (very extended) family, they are related to your daughter (and by extension you) by marraige, they are a large part of your daughters life, they are family.

MillyR · 14/05/2009 12:13

Lyneham

If your daughter's friend from school tried to talk with you, wouldn't you be friendly back? Surely it is the same for the step siblings.

The new wife must have family, and hopefully when they come around they include your DD and think of her as being something to do with them, otherwise it would be awful for your DD.

My niece is not related to me by blood as she is my SILs by a previous relationship, but my parents treat her the same as they treat my children. I treat her as a niece,

You have to do what is best for all of the children.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:27

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posieparker · 14/05/2009 12:29

Give yourself a break OP, you are clearly being ruled by very raw emotion which focusses on you...understandable but not acceptable.
Put yourself in your DDs position and think how her life would be made easier...getting on with sds would be great for her.

Sorrento · 14/05/2009 12:30

Shineon = the voice of reason !

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 12:32

Shine, not only have I been in Ops position as a parent, I have also been in it as a child, do not make assumptions.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:33

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RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:33

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YorkshireRose · 14/05/2009 12:35

Lyneham, your posts make me think of a lady who used to work for me. She hated her exDP with a passion (he treated her pretty badly when they split up, so can understand it). He had weekend access, she used any excuse to avoid this and told her DD how much she hated him, flew into rages if her DD told her she had had a good time with her ex during the weekends.

When her DD reached age 14, she decided she had had enough of all the bitterness, decided she wanted to live with her father and broke off contact with her mother.

Do YOU want that to happen to you? Carry on with using her as a weapon against you ex and it could.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:35

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KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 12:38

"I think that some of the posters on here who have really given you a pasting over this have perhaps not considered how they would feel to only see their DC for half a month, every month!"

I am doing my fair share of disagreeing with the op so I would say the above assuption would include me but, as I said, I have been in this position on both sides of the fence so I am well aware of what she could be "going through".

The point is not how Op is feeling it is what she is doing. I always run into a wall with "AIBU to feel...." because the answer is always no - you can feel anything you like, it is what you do that makes you reasonable or otherwise. In this case the Op can feel what she likes, but what she is doing is wrong - unreasonable.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 12:40

You don't have to clasp anyone to your bosom, mome of us do, my point about family is not that they are family as such more that they are close to the Op in a way she is not taking on board. They are her daughters family, her daughter is her family, therefore there is an immediate connection regardless of anything she may want or think.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:41

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FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 12:43

"But if I do change her school then maybe it would force my exH to give up the joint residency which I never wanted anyway.

I don't think it is best for DD to have 2 'homes' and I would much prefer her to be with me most of the time, and just go to her father and his 'family' every other weekend like it used to be. Is it so wrong for me to want DD with me most of the time? I can't bear the fact that his DW collects my DD from school and drops her off with her DDs. She gets treated like DDs mother at school which is just not on."

And that last sentence tells us the real issue. FGS some dads can't win. he wasnts to share custody and you don't want him too. You want everything your own way by the wounds of things.

YABVVVVVVVU to move her.

YorkshireRose · 14/05/2009 12:43

Yes shine, but if she was not proposing to try to stop the current arrangements her private feelings would not be an issue.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:44

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RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:45

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FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 12:45

Having read some more of your posts you sound lovely.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 12:46

What she is doing is avoiding being pleasant to the Step mother, avoiding talking to perfectly pleasant small children, considering moving schools for her own gain, considering ways that the father could be encouraged to drop contact, presenting things to her dp in such a way that he is angry with the other parent of the child.... I could go on, she is doing plenty IMO.

It is an assumption, using perhaps does not mean it is not an assumption, you are assuming that this could be the case rather than assuming it is definitly the case, but still assuming.

FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 12:47

I agree they sound different.

They sound lovely and welcoming.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:47

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RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 12:48

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KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 12:51

Scratch that, I have just had a quick re-read... what she is doing is dropping more little things in to stir things up again whenever it gets quiet... go on, everyone stop posting and I bet she will be along with another "oh but I am so reasonable to think about only me" comments. BetYa!

Shine, sorry for getting carried away and getting angry at you, I am not really angry at you or your comments. I must stop getting so personally involved in this crap - I just know what it feels like to be achild in this position and it is SHIT, even if the parents involved are doing their utmost for you, with a parent who doesn't care it must be hell