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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 20:19

When I went for advice before DD had her own bedroom, and probably still will have until the new baby is 6 months (?) would this really make any difference? After that she will be sharing with the youngest DSD who is very close in age to DD.

DD has a full complement of clothes and toys at both houses, really not sure why that would make a difference unless I had to supply exH with stuff for DD all the time???

OP posts:
Janos · 15/05/2009 20:20

Please also understand I am not saying you are a bad mum at all. That is not my intention, but you must think about your DD and put her first.

Please don't let your (understandable) dislike of XH blind you to what is best for your DD.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 20:22

Janos, it is interesting how similar the situations are actually isn't it?

It is good to hear it from the other side.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 20:24

Lyneham, it doesn't really make any difference, you need a good reason to get residency, sharing a room or any of the other reasons here are not good.

This is not going in is it?

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 20:24

"having to unload all your stuff every week and never have one place to call home isn't considered ideal"

I live in a "shared residency" family. The reality just doesn't live up to the emotional wording! The children come with their school bags and a few clothes but they have loads of "stuff" at both houses and they definitely have two homes.

Lots of adults have two homes. Here in Paris lots of families live in flats and go to houses in the country every weekend and holiday. It's fun. It's more enriching. There is a lot to be said for it!

Janos · 15/05/2009 20:26

Reading through KingCanute it is a similar situation which is why I was moved to post.

If OP goes ahead and does this and XH takes court action then the courts really would take a very dim view.

It's terribly hard but you really have to put your own feelings about your XH to one side lyneham.

I don't want this to seem like an attack but please do think about what I have said and understand you could be putting yourself in a very bad position, access wise, if you go ahead and put DD in a new school.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 20:34

The "one place to call home" is also silly, children are perfectly capable of having two places to call home - 100s of thousands do!

Janos · 15/05/2009 20:35

I agree two homes can work but it's probably better for older children who have the emotional maturity to understand what is 'going on' and adjust better.

dongles · 15/05/2009 20:36

lyneham, I have to say that you seem to argue against your own case sometimes! Good luck in whatever you do, but if you can't afford any more legal advice I would do nothing.

BonsoirAnna, your step sons are a lot older which makes it a very different situation. Also I recall you saying in past posts that your DP's wife isn't that bothered which also makes a difference.

KingCanute, are you confusing a guardian ad litem with a solicitor? I don't see any evidence that the OP is deliberately setting out to cause harm to her child. She just doesn't want shared residency (which is extremely rare still for young children) and has made a rather misguided suggestion about changing schools.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 20:37

Janos, I know you have been through (and are going through) a tough time so it is great that you felt you could share your experience.

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 20:38

My DSSs spent one or more nights a week, every week, at their paternal grandparents from the age of six months (to give their parents a lie in at the weekends!), and they spent most of the holidays at their grandparents' property by the seaside, while their parents worked. I don't think it disturbed them - they remember it very fondly indeed.

And what is the difference between having three homes, one with your parents and two with your grandparents, and having two homes, one with your mother and one with your father? Not a lot...

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 20:40

Janos - my DSSs are 11 and 14 now. But I have known my DP for seven years! So they were quite little when they first stayed with me and him together.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 20:40

Dongles, no, I have specifically been told this by family solicitors of family solicitors. The causing harm thing is difficult to tie down but it would include deliberatly attempting to deny the child access to a suitable parent.

Janos · 15/05/2009 20:45

Thank you KingCanute

Not a criticism at all BonsoirAnna, I do think it is much harde for very young children but of course every case is different and needs to be looked at individually.

Shared care can be very tricky I think and of course it can work very well when the parents and step parents are 'working together'.

Sadly this did not happen in my case. XP decided unilaterally what was best for DS which is where the problems arose.

dongles · 15/05/2009 20:48

Where has the OP said that she is trying to deny access to the father- this is getting silly now.

Btw, BonsoirAnna, I meant to say your DP's ex wife in my previous post. But I bet you anything you would not be so happy about your own DD having 2 or 3 homes, especially if one of them was with your MIL .

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 20:51

MIL is dying of cancer and she has been ill and unfit ever since DD was little, so obviously the "opportunity" never arose. But she has spent a lot of time at my parents' house - as much as she has the opportunity to do so.

Obviously I don't waste time thinking what would happen if DP and I split up, since that is not where we are in our lives. But I would always, always want her to see a lot of her brothers - she adores them and it is very important to me, as well as to her, that she has a close relationship with her siblings, more particularly as she isn't going to have any full siblings.

Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 20:52

Dongles, my solicitor told me that quite a while ago (what King said) as I was concerned that exH would do anything to get what he wanted. She promised me that any decent solicitor would not assist their client if it was obviously not in the best interests of the child/ren concerned.

I am not arguing against my own case, I am trying to go on what is feasible. I will not win full residency based on number of bedrooms at xHs house (they have a large 4 bed in a nice area), nor would I by claiming exH is a poor father, because he is not. I want my DD with me all the time, but I can't see a way of making this happen and it hurts and is frustrating for me because I feel that I offer DD the best home.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 20:52

Here "But if I do change her school then maybe it would force my exH to give up the joint residency which I never wanted anyway."

Not a direct threat as such but an indication of the future to come, perhaps.

Anyway, you are right, it is getting silly, it was not meant to be a big thing!

Janos · 15/05/2009 20:53

I know she hasn't dongles!

I don't think she is a bad mum, far from it, She wouldn't be here asking for advice and opinions if she was (sorry to talk about you in 3rd person OP).

But she is on really dangerous ground if she moves DD without XH's 'say so' (for want of a better phrase).

Based on my own experience, she would be putting herself in a very bad position if she did this and XH pursued court action. I am talking from actual experience of this sad and stressful (ongoing) situation.

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 20:54

"it hurts and is frustrating for me because I feel that I offer DD the best home."

I think you have to get beyond the idea of "best home". It's not an either/or. Your DD has two homes (both very adequate, by the sounds of it) and you need to get used to that.

FabulousBakerGirl · 15/05/2009 20:54

Actually, I think she is looking like a bad mum as she is trying to whitewash her child's father out of the picture.

dongles · 15/05/2009 21:00

I'm glad this thread is ending nicely- I hate to go to bed in a MN induced bad mood! It seems like most of us are agreed, for different reasons perhaps, that the OP is best off leaving things as they are. If that is what the OP decides to do, then I would try and embrace the other family as warmly as possible.

Janos · 15/05/2009 21:01

That is what my XP tried to do to me FBG.

But he polughed on ahead without taking advice (knowing what he is like). Lyneham is sounding people out and asking for advice. And of course she hasn't just gone ahead and done it, despite X's concerns, which is exactly what my XP did!

I'm trying here to get OP to look at things with a level head which is not easy where your DC are concerned I know.

I would add a caveat, my 'case' is not resolved yet and is still ongoing - these things are very drawn out. Just want OP to understand what she may be letting herself in for if she proceeds with this action.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 21:06

Of course you feel that you offer the best home but your ExH will think that too! It is natural to think that you are the best parent for your own child! Sadly it does not mean you are neccesarily right though.

KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 21:08

Yes Dongles, I thnk that about sums up where we are all at