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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 12:02

Lyneham, he can make the applications yes. and you are going to play right into his hands with your attitude. You know from people on here what you are proposing to do is deliberatly set out to cause a wedge between father and daughter to suit your needs.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/05/2009 12:04

Lyneham, you know if i were your dp i would be going for full residency and making the problems you arecausing very obvious. I hope he does go ahead with this application and that he wins. You are being dreadfully unfair.

Snorbs · 15/05/2009 12:07

Assuming he's got Parental Responsibility for your DD (as you will, too) then, most definitely, yes he can. Parental Responsibility requires you to consult each other on things like schooling and health care for DD. You don't have the right to unilaterally decide that DD is moving school.

The Prohibited Steps Order would be to prevent you from removing DD from her existing school. Your ex is very likely to get one of these; at least short-term and until a proper residency case can be heard.

CAFCASS works with the family courts. When a case comes before family court concerning a child, the court can ask CAFCASS to do a report. A CAFCASS officer will interview you, and your ex, will likely want to have a look at both your homes, may want to talk to DD etc. CAFCASS basically do a (supposedly) impartial review of the facts of the case and they will make a recommendation about residency that the court will then usually (although not always) go along with.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/05/2009 12:07

Yes he can do that and stands a good chance of winning, he has his DD's interests at heart whereas you appear to be looking out for you and not your DD.

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 12:13

"No offence, but Bonsoir Anna's posts have made me laugh. I am certain that BA would move heaven and earth not to share residency of her own DD, but that different rules apply to step children!"

I don't think "different rules apply to stepchildren". I think that some families suit shared residency very well for particular reasons: in our case, the DSSs' mother travels a lot for work (and goes out a lot in the evening) which means that when they are at her house, they are often with the nanny, not their mother. In those circumstances, shared residency with the other parent makes a lot of sense .

titchy · 15/05/2009 12:13

I want to know what you have against your dd having siblings? Why is this a bad thing? Why is her being an only at your house so much better than being one of four at her dad's?

God knows what you must think of families with more than one child!!!

drlove8 · 15/05/2009 12:15

what does your dd want to do? is she close to the step-silblings? ...is the new school better than the current one , if the new school has better exam results i would concider it, because a better education for your child would mean a better independent adult lifestyle... dont we all want our kids to do well?

Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 12:18

I have no problem with families with more than one child, the ones I see look very happy, but this is not what I have chosen for my DD.

Would CAFCASS people need to interview DP and exHs DW as well?

OP posts:
PortoPandemico · 15/05/2009 12:21

They will be over you like a rash! Family skeletons came tumbling out of the closet when I went through this as a teenager.

Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 12:22

I haven't asked DD. she is 5 and changes her mind frequently as to which is her favourite colour (as she should) I am not going to ask her for an opinion on this big an issue, it is too much pressure for her.

Both schools are fantastic for those asking about that.

DD says that she likes her SS but sometimes they are mean to her. exH says that they all just squabble like sisters when I ask about this, and that it is just part of being a family. DD has also said that she doesn't like it when her SS hug and kiss her Daddy.

OP posts:
PortoPandemico · 15/05/2009 12:23

"this is not what I have chosen for my DD." It's the big old "me, me, me" again. What does your dd think? Is she allowed an opinion?

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 12:25

It sounds as if your DD is getting used to not being an only child and having to share her father with other children, and her space with other children - this is fabulous for her development!

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 12:26

My DD is my only child, and I love it when her half-brothers are around - she'd be spoilt rotten if she was an only all the time!

Rafi · 15/05/2009 12:26

So your DP doesn't want any more kids?

Original poster
lyneham · 15/05/2009 12:29

Having more DCs is not an option

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 12:30

If you aren't going to have any more children, all the more reason to let your DD enjoy her family life with other children properly at her father's house.

PortoPandemico · 15/05/2009 12:31

"DD has also said that she doesn't like it when her SS hug and kiss her Daddy"

So do you think she will be happier in the long run to be excluded (by you) from that family life, and just gets snippets of it at the weekend. I had 2 step sisters and was jealous as hell of the time they got with my dad that I was deprived of. And I was a teenager then - it would have been much worse when i was younger. Like BA said, she is getting used to having siblings.

tryingtobemarypoppins · 15/05/2009 12:33

YABVU - Its only 2 miles!

titchy · 15/05/2009 12:35

I don't know about CAFCASS, but would imagine they would want to see your dd in both environments so that would include your dp and your ex's DW.

Can you see that by her being an only when she's with you, and being part of a big happy family when she's with her dad gives her the best of both worlds.

drlove8 · 15/05/2009 12:35

lyneham, can i be cheeky and ask was your ex's new wife the other woman?...i think i wouldnt like it if step children were mean to my DC either, and it is very hard when you have to send your DC to a house where you dont know exactly whats going on. , sadly for most of us with kids , its just something we have to do, even if we have to smile with gritted teeth at it.and of course your DD doesnt like it when SS hug and kiss her Daddy, he's her daddy, not theirs.... a very black and white childs view of things... i had problems with my DC and my DSC , similar things tbh, but it did pass after a few years and now they are all very close. please try not to worry too much.you do need to talk to your ex away from the kids, somewhere neutral.

OrmIrian · 15/05/2009 12:39

Don't move her.

Your DP is not her parent. So him picking her up won't make much difference to her.

The school isn't that far from your new home.

drlove8 · 15/05/2009 12:42

perhaps you could have a "family" day out, with all of you, ( as in you& dp , ex & NW, and all the kids), then you could see for yourself how DD gets along with them and , perhaps give you heads up on the dynamics at ex's house.How would you feel if dd moved school , and then you find out that the step children have changed to her school too? would that happen?

drlove8 · 15/05/2009 12:45

actually Lynams dp is as much her daughters parent as the ex's wife. they are just not biological,..... i call it step parents.

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 12:48

I just calculated that:

  • our apartment is 3 km from the DSSs' current (secondary) school
  • our apartment is 2.5 km from the DSSs old primary school
  • the DSSs' mother's apartment is 0.6 km from the DSSs' old primary school
  • the DSSs' mother's apartment is 1.3 km from the DSSs' current school
  • our apartment is 1.4 km away from DD's school

We consider that everyone lives a stone's throw away from school and that transport is just not an issue.

2 miles is 3 km. It really isn't far. You haven't got a leg to stand on when you claim that you need her to move school for the convenience of transport. What is your real reason?

BonsoirAnna · 15/05/2009 12:49

drlove8 - that's not really right. Some stepparents do become an extra parent, and some never do. And a lot of whether they do or not depends on how much work the stepparent puts into the relationship over time - something lyneham's DP hasn't yet had time to do.