to move DD to a new school?

[lyneham]

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

Hang on, are you actually asking either your ex or (more likely) his wife to drag 4 kids including a newborn across town 5 days a week every other week so your DP can spend more time with DD?

If it takes you 20-25 minutes to get to her current school from your new house, presumably it will be that each way for your ex/his wife and their kids? So basically a completely avoidable 1.5 hours in a car per day for 4 children???? I guess what another poster said is right as well, if you move schools, DD would have to go to before and after school clubs so that all the DCs could be dropped off and collected on time?????

Sorry if I have not read this properly, but if I have, that is the most selfish thing I have ever heard

I also think you should see another solicitor.
My DH is a family lawyer and though I am no expert, from the things he tells me, I do think you should see seomeone else to find out more about the shared residency. It may well be possible to change the arrangements without going to court and spending 10K.

I do think its a bit unfair to try and use the school thing to try and change the residency arrangements but I do understand why you find the shared residency hard and agree that avoiding after school clubs woudl be good.

WOudl make everyone's life easier if you coudl try and get on ok with your ex's DW and DDs though, amd am sure this woudl be nice for your DD.

Hi Yorkshire, how are you?

I am feeling much more calm today

Not so bad thanks, King. On the third cuppa now so gradually entering the land of the living!

Lots of work on today, damned inconvenience. Don't they realise I have serious MNing to do?? [smile}

Glad you are well today. Have you had all this rain where you are?

Aah there will be a new baby!!! Is it this that is pissing you off?

oops the smile went wrong!

here it is again

Seriously, I would just leave it.

Imagine the picture that your exH can paint of you in court - a selfish mother moving in with a bartender who has no children and keeps irregular hours; he, on the other hand, is a picture of paternal responsibility with his perfectly blended family of four and SAHW. You will have a hard time convincing any court that your DD should move school and your exH will have lots of arguments for primary residency with him...

You could be onto something there, Porto. OP does seem to be convinced that siblings are a bad thing which take away all that intense attention that her DD should be getting.

As well as her personal issues with the ex moving on?

Yup, lots and lots of rain and not enough tea, and the dog is desperate to go out
Not enough work to keep me off here though so I am guessing I will be all hot under the collar by the end of the day

This is an interesting debate. I agree with Pannacotta and MillyR. The courts do not like shared residency for young children for good reason. A young child deserves and needs a main, stable base plus lots of contact with the other parent which sounds like it will definitely happen in your family (and I agree that you need to be more friendly and mature in your dealings with your ex's family- possibly jealousy and insecurity about the new baby etc is affecting you).

No offence, but Bonsoir Anna's posts have made me laugh. I am certain that BA would move heaven and earth not to share residency of her own DD, but that different rules apply to step children!

Breathe deeply and think of tropical islands King!

Will be dipping in and out during the day - really need to do some work I suppose - damn!

Dongles - her ex would also have a very persuasive argument for him having sole residency - she already spends half her time with him, he has stable family set up with new baby on way, stepmum is SAHM, DD gets on well with her step-siblings, all at same school and happy etc.

Lyneham, be careful about pushing for sole residency - it may be granted, but not to you.

And if you are going to do something you need to get a move on, because every single day is working against you, and it would not be impossible for your ex to apply in the future to increase shared residency to full residency. Sometimes you just need to pay for legal fees, as the cheaper mediation route has not served you well here.

Dongles, I was quite happy to have shared residency with my dd, it was the best thing for her by a long way, and we did not go through court to arrange it, although it was formalised in court years later. I disagree about different rules. You are implying that any good mother would not want shared residency, I think that any good mother would want it where it is best for their child. Some of us are capable of not being selfish and thinking of our own needs first you know!

YR, we appear to be thinking along the same lines!

King Canute, I genuinely salute you. I admit that I would find such a set up very, very difficult, but good for you.

Not sure dongles - I think (correct me if I am wrong, I am badly in need of another cuppa!) you are encouraging OP to get sole residency and thus cut down on contact with ex. I actually think the present arrangements are working well for her DD (and she is the primary concern here, right?)
and she should leave DD in present school.

I was just pointing out that, if she is determined to push for sole residency she could end up in a situation that she does not anticipate. Courts do not just hand children over to mum automatically these days.

Heck, where has the morning gone, must REALLY get some work done now!

Will catch up with you all later.

Pour me a margarita, King!

No, I am not bothered by the new baby, other than the fact that DD will have even less time and attention than she does already at her fathers house.

Dongles, what can I do other than go to court for full residency if I wanted to pursue that. I know that exH will not give the arrangement up easily, in fact he has said that nothing short of a court order will do.

Lyneham,
is your dd happy when she is with her dad?
does she come back happy other than wanting to spend more time with him?
does she ever tell you she hates it there?
does she tell you she doesn't like her step sisters?
does she not like the fact she is going to have another sibling?

if you can answer these maybe you will be able to see that she is happy.

hell my ds1 frequently tells me he doesn't want to live with me anymore because he can't have a wii, xbox 360, sweets, comic or whatever is the latest thing. BUT i do know there are many children who would love to have time with both their parents even if they are no longer together.....

What does your dd actually think about all this? You've said she is happy, but have you asked HER about whether she'd want to move schools?

dongles, while it is true that courts weren't keen on shared residency orders, this is (slowly) changing. Particularly as a shared residency order doesn't necessarily imply a 50:50 split. Most importantly, a court will be looking to see if the current arrangement is working for DD or not - there's nothing that lyneham has said that I've seen that raises any serious concerns on that score. The problem is that this arrangement isn't working for lyneham, not her DD.

lyneham, the usual progression of negotiation for this kind of thing is a) informal between yourselves, b) via mediation, c) via solicitors, then d) in court. You could ask your ex to re-enter mediation, and/or you can represent yourself in court to reduce costs.

I'm no expert and any family court case is a lottery but I'd have to say that if you presented in court the story you've presented here, I'd not be hugely surprised if your ex is awarded sole residency. He seems to be doing everything that a court would want to see him doing - he negotiated in good faith with you via mediation and he's sticking to what he agreed to. He's got a family at his home that DD seems (generally) happy being a part of. He's stayed near DD's school. And he's not trying to make DD's contact with you any more difficult or trying to reduce it.

You, on the other hand, agreed something in mediation that you're now saying you didn't really agree with and you're now trying to change by the back-door. You're moving away from DD's school through your own choice and your own reasons, but with few benefits for DD. And you're trying to reduce the contact that DD has with her father and make what contact he does has more difficult.

In essence, the courts look at which parent is operating with the DC's best interests in mind. One of the interests they look at can be summed up as "not making things even more difficult than they already are without a damn good reason". Courts also have a default position of not changing things without good reason.

Again, I'm not expert but I reckon you'd be lucky to walk out of a court with the current, mutually-agreed shared residency arrangement re-worked as a court order. Worst-case for you is that your ex could get sole residency and you could be regarded as someone who is not operating in the best interests of your child.

I grew up with divorced parents and only saw my Dad on Sats. Not ideal in the slightest especially when I got older and wanted to go out. Luckily Dad lived close to mum so would pop in during the week too.

Mum never bad-mouthed my Dad (or visa versa) so I have a good relationship with them. I would have loved to see Dad more when growing up though. I've never had to choose and so haven't but if my mum had been difficult it would have driven me to Dad. He's my Dad and it's not my fault their marriage broke down. They were both at my wedding although mum & dad both did a speech!

Be very careful pushing ExP away and making things tricky. Your DD is only 5 but in a few more years she'll begin to make up her own mind. You might want her to share your views but she'll absorb your actions far more.

She'll always love you as her mum but she'll respect you for helping her live this way in the best way possible (for her). Good luck.

exH has threatened me with going for full custody before now when I haven't agreed with him about something.

He has also said (via email this morning) that if I try and move DD schools, he will apply for a joint residency order, a prohibited steps order, request a CAFCASS (what is this?) report on DP and I and will basically do whatever he can to stop the move. Can he do this?

Yes he can do this Lyneham. And I am not surprised he is doing this as you are trying to make it difficult for him to see his DD without a really good reason.

He is her dad no matter how you feel about him.

I think you two really should go back to mediation to talk this through like reasonable adults.