very unhelpful things your other half can say whilst in labour

[benbon]

just wondering if anyone else's other halves have come out with very unhelpfull advice whilst you were in labour. aibu to think this was not very helpful?

after being in labour for about 6 hours at this point my husband told me "WELL YOU ARE DRAGGING IT OUT ABIT!"

so what helpful things did your partners say to you,.

Oh, and this...

Me: pass me the gas and air.
DH: Hang on a bit. I'm using it.

I had a MW who popped in for 10 mins to relieve the main one (who was amazing). I'd had an epidural shortly before and was waiting until I was sufficiently dilated to start pushing. She came in, sneered and said 'How do you expect to know when to push if you can't feel anything?' Err, thanks love. Fortunately she buggered off when the real MW returned.

My DH spent a lot of my labour reading Classic Car magazine and placidly eating sandwiches.

DH was generally fantastic in labour...but he developed a belief in the analgesic properties of Haribo tangfastic...he tried to make me eat one during every contraction.

When having my waters broken, I asked him to talk to me to distract me. He claimed he couldn't think of anything.
Me, "Anything, sing a nursery rhyme, tell me a F*ing story, anything"
DH, "Alright, it's quite hard being put on the spot like this, you know."

He fell asleep at one point, and he also went to the hospital Burger King while I was NBM.

WHen the Dr decided I was going to have an emergency c-section, the way she described it was, "We're going to have to deliver this baby" I knew she meant a c-section - DH thought they were going to go in with a pair of forceps and yank him out of my uterus. Had to spend the next 10 minutes reassuring him!!

LOL at 'even the midwife popped out to eat her lunch'.

How v.dare she. She should have starved herself THE BITCH!!!

Seriously though I'm sure she left you at a time where she felt you were coping, were supported by a birth partner and you were in no danger.

I was induced on synto so we're in the early bit waiting for things to get from hurty period pains to hurty contractions and DH starts texting people on his phone because he's bored and also because his family like to have a running commentary of our lives. I was in a bit of a 'me, me, me' mood that day for some strange reason . So I said if he touched his phone one more time I would throw it out of the f*ing window. The MW looked quite taken aback.

Me in the bath, screaming in agony, no one believing me that my early posterior labour was absolutely horrifically painful (which it was).

DH in pretty fed up tones - "oh this is stupid, we're going home".

He claims it was "reverse psychology".

Tangfastics can do wonderful things, you know.

PMSL but that could also be due to a frankly shoddy pelvic floor these days.

I loved (or not) the registrar who said "Oh, come on, you silly girl, you'll have forgotten all about this when you come to have the next ones." I think my exact words were "You fuckin' have 'em!". Git. All the other staff were lovely, though, esp the MW who reminded DH to take my wedding rings and camera into the next delivery room in case someone buggered off with them. Bless her.

Apparently when I got off my face on gas and air I spent a long time explaining to DH how when you got to the top of the pain it was all just blue, like being in an aeroplane above the clouds ... maaaaaaan.

Ruthosaurus - I had one of those registrars too (maybe the same one?) Her explanation for me still being stuck pushing DS out after 2 and a half hours was that I wasn't pushing through the crowing pain! She really thought that I'd rather put up with contraction after contraction after contraction than make the effort to push his head out. If I hadn't been so completely zoned out and in complete agony, I would have slapped her.

Crowing pain??

I was born on my mum and dad's wedding anniversary. Apparently my mum woke my dad up after being in labour for a few hours and asked him to drive her to hospital (1hr away so she was starting to panic) he instead produced a wrapped parcel and said 'Happy Anniversary Darling' and sad to say she threw it at him. They seem to have managed another 30+ yrs though so I guess he didn't hold it against her.

I was reminded of this after posting on another thread, so apologies if you have seen it!

After delivering DTs (breech/breech) naturally, and with gas and air and two paracetmol, my consultant felt I deserved a shower. Cue DH helping me into shower "You know, that was amazing, you are amazing, in fact I'm really turned on right now, fancy a feel?" I luaghed, hard! I think the staff were a bit worried that I had gone into some sort of shock, as I stepped out of the bathroom, still laughing! It ruins our sex life to this day!

I was induced for DS1 and DS2 so neither DH nor I had any experience of spontaneous labour.

DD decided to arrive at 39 weeks and neither of us were expecting it. I woke up at 5.30am wondering what was going on and then realised I was having contractions.

I woke DH up and said "I think I'm in labour." He groaned and said "I was just dreaming that we were having sex" and rolled over and went straight back to sleep.

My contractions were 3 minutes apart so I woke DH up the second time with a little more urgency. DD was born 2 hours later.

He did tell me I was a goddess while I was pushing in the birthing pool, so he's been forgiven, but it's fun to remind him of that one on occassion.

my dh has asked the mw all 3 times - 'what time will the baby be born?' FFS

with dd ( 2nd labour) he arrived at 3am (I'd been in since 4pm the day before after beng induced, he was home with ds1) and barely looked at me before asking mw what time the cafe opened for breakfast as he was starving. He then proceeded to find said cafe, and came back up to the room with coffee and a hard boiled egg. It was stinking. Idiot.

When I was screaming in agony, he told me to 'calm down, for God's sake! You're making a show of yourself!'

It actually makes me mad remembering it.

With ds2, it was a dream labour, I had a fantastic epidural which meant that for the first time in 9 months I was not in searing pain from SPD. I was very relaxed. The delivery was wonderful, and actally dh was miles better. Except when the docs asked him to hold one of my legs back as I prepared to push, he decided this made him queasy and couldn't help. Hopeless. All the staff found him hilarious, like they thought he was joking - he wasn't. After ds2 was born, dh weas wandering in and out of the room, and every time he caught sight of my nether regions, the placenta etc and all the stuff that goes on down there he loked decidedly putrid. Fair enough, I suppose....

He's a great dad though, just not so useful in the delivery room...

What is it with the unsympathetic midwives? I got (after being in labour for 26 hours and not being given pain relief bar cocodomol, as "two other women have had epidurals"-um, I think they have come AND GONE by now!!!) "can you please stay calm with your contractions-it is making another lady nervous. You are not in control of your pain are you?". NO, I AM NOT!!!!

while I'm in transition, dh (standing well back with arms folded): "yeah, she's always been rubbish at vomiting."

thanks, dh.

Really "enjoying" this thread.
This one is on behalf of my best friend, whose inept DH was relegated to only menial tasks, like passing the flannel and lip salve, to keep him out of trouble during her long and arduous labour.
She recounts that, during a particularly intimate examination by the midwife in the early stages, when the MW announced to my friend "I'm just about to part the labia", her DH absent-mindedly asked "would you like the lip-salve now?"

This wasn't my dh but my 'helpful' midwife:

24 hours into a 39 hour labour (ds was back to back and nobody realised)and I had said that I needed an epidural:

We didn't have epidurals in my day - you just had to get on with it

and also:

there was a woman in here last week, she didn't come in until she was 6cm dilated, she did it all on her own, her dh wasn't there as he was a farmer and had too much to do - thats the sort of lady that makes being a midwife easy.

I felt like saying fuck her and fuck you (didn't obviously)! I was in agony as had been back to back all the way through and ended up with episiotomy & forceps.

nice eh?

"omg is that a needle", "i cant bear to watch them put that in" "can you not just try without pain relief. i cant watch them give you anymore morphine/induction/epidural"

"i need a shower" when my friend arrived. and he promptly buggered off home for a shower and quick nap and check on his businesses, leaving me mid labour.

thank goodness for my friend handing me sick bowl after sick bowl too. was throwing up everywhere after the epidural. ds dad "cant watch this its disgusting"

needless to say he's now EX.

this is one on behalf of my sister- she was 15 days over due with her daughter, (mad rush had to keep putting her induction back) she has very small hips,
and her bloke is less than useless (he said after this has all been bit much for me think i will go home and c u tomorrow, this said 30 mins after birth and 3 oclock in afternoon, needless to say i had word idiot aaarrrggghh)
anyway she had been pushing for ages and started crying and saying didnt feel as tho getting anywhere etc. the midwife SLAPPED her thigh and said come on girl think ur getting lazy women do this everyday!! (bitch!!)
my sis then asked to get the doc, who then said what on earth r u doing trying to get her to get this baby out naturally its a biggun, so emergancy c sec it was (such a rush that she had to b knocked out totally) she came round frm the annisethic (sp) while being stitched up, and lost a huge amount of blood!
needlees to say she complained with a very strong letter after birth (as this lot was just the tip of the iceberge!)
god what us women do eh these men have an easy job!!

My Dh was ok during my labour, just kept announcing that we were at def con 1,2,3,4 as the labour progressed

My friends dh is the dippiest bloke i know and when she was in labour, she was laying on the bed and the conversation went like this..

friend: Go and get the midwife
Husband: The what?
friend: The midwife! The nurse!
Husband: What does she look like?
friend: Just go and get a midwife, any midwife will do, just go!

He went out to find a midwife, comes back claiming he cant find one, she said" I'll go my bloody self!", she struggled off the bed, and nearly crawled to the door and out to find a midwife (who was and had been for the last 20 mins just outside the door) and when they went back into the room, he'd climbed on the bed and fallen asleep in about 30 seconds!

I used to be an Emergency Call Taker for the Ambulance Service.

One day a man called asking for an ambulance for his wife who was in labour. From the mooing sounds and the 'I NEED TO PUSH' I could hear it was quite obvious she was near to delivering so I began giving him birthing instructions to assist his wife.

Half way through he said to me 'Sorry, hang on a minute..', turned to his wife and shouted 'WILL YOU BLOODY SHUT UP I'M ON THE PHONE!'

Wanker.

FfreckleFface, my bloke had "fun" with the birthing ball too while I was being induced-he amused himself by playing keepy-uppy with the thing.
He then bought some TV time on the Patientline thingy, and when it was time for me to go into the pool room, at 5cm, he complained that Match of the Day had just started!

Generaly, he was fab though!

There is a fabulous African tribe that has most wonderful birthing traditions that are ever so strictly followed, due to, I suppose, the local ladies unwavering support...
When a woman goes to labour, her husband is gently led to the neighbouring hut and asked to lie down. Then a long piece of string is tied around his manhood, the other end of which is given to his wife, labouring in the hut next to his. . .
Methinks an urgent revival of some of those wonderful ancient traditions is long due.

I'm lurking here finding out what maybe to expect as I'm currently TTC. I'm torn between hysterics & reaching for the contraception!

When my mum went into labour with my sister, dad asked her to trim his hair first as it was getting a bit long.

When my DP began making his appearance into the world a month early his dad told his mum to keep her legs together. They're now divorced.

Reading this, with idiots on both sides of the family it doesn't really bode well for me, does it?

God these are great. Like yr African traditions, Rollmops, though we'd all end up as 1 child families; I certainly would have pulled hard enough to bring said appendage flying through wall in labour No1!!
My lovely DH isn't too bad, but I've never let him forget that in labour No 1 (homebirth, posterior, trapped uterine nerve... NASTY) he started to dismantle & repair the Hoover?! And in subsequent labours (yes potty enough to have another 3) he NEVER SPEAKS to me. Not a word. Think it's panic really, but on No.3 drive to hospital I joked I wish I'd come by taxi, least bit of conversation would have taken mind off early stages. No joking on No4 drive/mad dash though, far too bad