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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...To expect monetary contribution from my DP??

498 replies

GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 16:24

... In any form. I'm not asking for all his money to go off and spend as I like. But SOMETHING towards his keep would help. And how do I ask him NOW after we have lived together on and off (more off than on TBH) for nearly a year?? HELP someone. Need kick up the backside or somehting please??

OP posts:
GrumpyMoo · 02/05/2009 09:58

Hi all. Slpet ok but stuill awake at stupid o'clock. Grr. Men will be here very soon. Have ummed and ahed over it but I just need rid of him his stuff asnd the crap!

Gonna cost me £80 quid though! Ouch. Last bit of mney he will ever get out of me though and quite frankly it'll be well spent. Will cancel his mobile phone contract later on today. Don;t care if he needs it for his business or not.

Not my problem.

I ahve phoned and texted him, i ahve phoned his house number and left a message so he cannot come back to me with ' But you never told me....'

Hope that lady at the police knew what she was talking about, otherwise when they get there with his things and theyr'e not in...

Oh well. Not my problem either.

I ahve made a list of all the things the men are taking and kept a copy for myself. Just luike I've kept copies of some very interestiong things that I found as I was 'packing' his stuff yesterday! Found a credit agreement for a loan (399.7 % apr ACK OH MY GOD!!!!!!) for £300 he took out a week ago! BASTARD! Schemeing lying toadfaced arsehole scumbag cocklodger!!! Only he slipped up big, cos he put his house over there as his address! Heh hehh hehh.

Like to see him go round telling people he was living here now!

So. We are going to get rid of super-twat's stuff and then I am taking my children for a much deserved treat. Cinema (only the cheapy bargain show, drink and popcorn deal thingy for £2.50 pp) and then who knows a spot of tyre slashing for afters?? LOL No no. Mustn't or oldlady will tell me off! Can't ahve that!

I'll let you all know how the 'move' goes later!

xx

OP posts:
Buda · 02/05/2009 10:08

Well done. It sounds like you have had a lucky escape.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/05/2009 10:29

Oh, GrumpyMoo, it's sooooo good to see you so positive and strong! What a change from the start of this thread! Hope you enjoy the cinema - and no tyre slashing!

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 02/05/2009 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dittany · 02/05/2009 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

welshbyrd · 02/05/2009 11:39

just read this whole thread, oml grumpymoo, you deserve a medal, not just for what you having dealing with these last few months. But your utter determination to get rid of the useless piece of shit. All the post and comments from all really have made the difference
And i want to say to all the mumsnetters who contrabuted to this positive step, well done. A little comment here, and a few facts there really have changed this lady and her childrens lives for the better
So all mumnetters WELLDONE!!

TrillianAstra · 02/05/2009 15:37

Oh well done, you are doing so well, it's amazing to see you go to quickly from not being sure if this was the normal amount of stuff that women have to put up with to being so strong and sensible and decisive because you don't have to put up with this.

Welcome to the rest of your life

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/05/2009 00:46

can't help wondering how the move went

GrumpyMoo · 03/05/2009 11:10

Sorry guys! Started writing it up last night and then the computer froze GRR and then I was so tired I went to bed! Give me a mo and I'll finisdh up. It's quite the tale. Have a cuppa!
x

OP posts:
GrumpyMoo · 03/05/2009 16:09

Well.

Long, looooong day yesterday. I ordered a chinese meal to share with my eldest (bless, nearly 13 argh!! ) and had a lovely pint of Kopparberg. Bliss.

Why?? yesterday I truly earned it.

The men arrived (late. sigh, cinema plans sadly dwindling) took one look at me and promptly set about shifting boxes. Bless. The chap in charge (the scottish one) asked me 'was the romance over then?' To which I told him a man only gets to treat me that badly for just so long and he'd used up all his chances. That and the fact that he's taken all my money! Poor guy didn't know where to look and told me I'd soon bounce back!

Drove over there and sat up the road waiting till the van got there before pulling up out the front. Didn't want any more nastiness than I was already in line for. The guys had been knocking on the door for a while and I didn?t think anyone was going to come out!

He finally came out looking like some parents do when their kids have been indiscrete and started rolling his eyes at the two removal men and APOLOGISIGN to them for 'all this.' (Which he did every time he came out of the house, not that the blokes were having a bar of it.) My blood pressure went through the roof.

His wife comes out and starts having a go, then goes inside to the tune of 'you wanted him, you keep him. His stuff is NOT coming in MY house,' Couldn?t hear the rest as it became almost inaudible cos her voice is just seriously something else. Indescribable! Screechy and whiney and makes you want to plug up your ears. and that is her tlaking in a normal conversational tone! In full rant she is like a cross between an angry hornet and a pit bull and she makes your ears bleed!

He decides he isn?t going to have his stuff abck, I asked him did he want me to sell it or tip it? Cos it wasn't going home with me. He asked how dare I touch his things and I just told him the poilce had told me to. That shut him up. I can't remember all the ins and outs of this thing (my mind goes blank!!grr) but he did eventually say to put his stuff outside his house. I stupidly handed over his PS3 before getting my very expensive contract phone back from him (damn and double damn, would've paid for the men 3 times over. grr.)

She comes back out to cause some more trouble after the men left (only took them 5 minutes all in all) and then he comes right up (I mean RIGHT UP) in my face trying to be all intimidating and nasty (twat) and telling me I needed therapy, and what was my problem! She comes back out from whatever hole she'd crawled into (her hair people! Ack. Not washed in weeks. Same goes for the rest of her. He is more than WELCOME to be shagging THAT. Shudder. Greasy?chip pans have less grease on them, and the smell off her? Sorry to anyone who is eating just now!)

She's now telling me what a home wrecker I am! And that he never wnated to leave her and how dare I bring my leavings back to her! AND THEN! She says for the two of us to take our problems off her drive way and patch things up!!! FFS! Argh.

I turned to her and asked how come she was changing her tune from the things she told me in January and all she said was she was angry. I told her women just don?t do that to each other and all she could do was look at me like I was the smelly one!

I drove off forgetting to ask for my house key and phone back (duh!) so go0 round the block and pull up just down the round, told kids to stay in the car, lock doors etc. As I?m walking up the road I can hear her talking to him, along the lines of what happened I thought you said she would be ok, you said it would be alright and she?d calm down. What are you going to do now? All said in normal conversational tones not screechy and horrible at all! I lost the plot slightly then, marched around their hedge and told her to get him out here now. She calls into the house ?You?d better come down here? and his reply??? It had me fuming, literally steam out of my ears and I thought my head was going to pop off! He says oh so calmly and normally from up the stairs ?ok, what?s the matter love?? BANG there goes my head!

His face as he came out of the house and saw me! I felt like ripping his face off! And rearranging the location of his arsehole for him. I tell him I want my key and my phone. He asks me do I want therapy. And so he goes on, and on, and on.

All the while I?m telling him, my darling ex partner (how nice that sounds?EX) to give me my key and my phone back. He starts off saying it isn?t there and getting very angry and everything someone here said he would (which he ahs done before, he?s so predictable) can?t remember who, sorry. He then says why do I need the key if I?ve had the locks changed. I told him that he doesn?t deserve to keep even a rusty useless old key that has no purpose because he hasn?t earned the right to even THAT small a piece of me and my life.

Told him I?ll take the PS3 and flog it for the cost of the phone then. You should have seen him move then!! Panther like he snatched the box up and took it into the house! Still wish I?d have the foresight to keep hold of it. I?m just not devious enough for these situations! I then asked him about the £300 loan he?d just taken out (399.7% apr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) a week ago! Bastard just looked me up and down and told me I was so stupid I wouldn?t even know how important that money was to him. Either it was for his next course or it was to go see the next round of away matches for the football. Either way I didn?t really care!

I asked for my phone back and suddenly he?s sold it, bollocks, I ask him again (persistence, stubbornness call it whatever you like, I know that phone is in that house and I intend to get it back) and all of a sudden it is in tiny pieces! At this point I got sick and tired of his breath (eww.) and I turn to go and he follows me telling me to get therapy!!!! and that I need to sort out my priorities because being a gold digger isn?t going to get me anywhere and it isn?t all about the money! And I will never have a better relationship because I just don?t get what it is all about!

By this time I?m shaking with rage and only just ok to leave there without sinking to his level. My parting aside to him was, after he screamed down the street that he thinks my life is so petty and underrated and my head is so far up my own arse, my response? He wouldn?t recognise a genuine healthy family if it came up and hit him because he?s never had one. So of course he wouldn?t appreciate it. And to toddle off back to his perfect wife and have a nice life in his perfect home you sponging waste of space.

I know I know, I got quite schoolyard-ish at the end (really am rubbish in these situations) when really all I wanted to do was rip his bollocks off and stuff them up his nose for him.

Can?t remember all the order of events but this is basically what went on. MY mind does not retain events in chronological order! Not under those circumstances anyway!

I got home after a very dodgy drive home, a long 10 miles I can tell you, me fuming under my breath, 3 kids all wide eyed and agog with the drama! As soon as I got in I phoned the police to report my phone stolen. They took a statement from me and said an officer would be round later that afternoon (they never did. Bit hacked off with that really as I stayed in all afternoon so as not to miss them) to take further details and attempt to retrieve the phone from his address. I felt all chav-ish and Vicky pollard! Hope they do come round to his house and cause trouble.

My house now feels full of hope and space and the kids are great! They were obviously under pressure too. Damn that man. And myself for letting it go on so long! I have so many plans now for decorating it. Plans he told me were complete rubbish I mean who doesn?t like white gloss on skirting and doorframes? Not him. Says it is clinical and unnatural! Bugger him. I?ll keep my white skirting thanks. Having said that I may just strip all the gloss off and go back to the bare woodwork.

My next step though is new locks off eBay. I don?t want to take any chances that he?s copied the key.

Hope all you mums-netters are having a fabulous long weekend1 Huge thanks to all of you. We never did make it to the cinema so we will do that tommorow. Promise made!

Take care out there ok?
xx

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/05/2009 16:28

Well done you - especially reporting the phone stolen. That'll put his gas at a peep! And thanks for coming back and updating us, you're very brave and very strong.

Eve34 · 03/05/2009 16:57

well done you so glad you have seen the light, he was just taking advantage of your good nature, some times it is not till others point it out that you see things for what they are.

blossomsmine · 03/05/2009 17:19

Just read the whole thread!

Wow!! You are one amazing woman and i think you should be so so proud of yourself, grumpy

You have just turned your life, and your dcs life round for the better!!! You have done what a lot of women feel they can't do or don't even realise that they NEED to do.

I hope you are happy now and i hope you enjoy YOUR life with your lovely children

coffeecups · 03/05/2009 19:30

Congratulations. You have mighty big cahunas lady. You don't need a schmuck, cock lodger like that in your life, I wish there was a hall of shame where we could pin a photo of him and all the other shits like him up with a big sign saying 'Avoid like the plague'.

Good luck with the next week

paranoidmother · 03/05/2009 19:45

Hey well done you glad you've got it all out of the way. Heres to a better life now for you and the DC's and hugs

fumble · 03/05/2009 20:03

Sounds like a hectic weekend for you however, I think everyone has been jumping on the same bandwagon here!

You mention you are on I.S.? you are also getting child tax credits and maintenance too? You state he is getting Incapacity benefit?

You mention your money is yours i.e. you control your money?

So if I have this right you are BOTH getting benefits? I can't see where you have posted that you get a joint income i.e. living as a couple?

Personally if you are screwing the system you have made a fantastic post havent you? I think the issue here is what you originally posted YOU control YOUR money and do not want anyone elses say so on the matter as a result of your XH. Wheter or not this guy is as bad as everyone is jumping on the wagon to say (remember two sides to every story) Did he EVER stand a chance?? Sounds to me you wanted your cake and eat it too? Was he happy about living like this or was he up for screwing the benefits too?

Personally I think he might just have been making a stand about this if so good on him bloody hell people like you really get at me! So when did you start getting a joint income as a couple ???

Perhaps this guy was right if you have issues over your XH and (as you put it) YOUR MONEY. If it is YOUR MONEY then why should this guy not have HIS MONEY??

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/05/2009 20:19

Er, I don't know how much you read fumble, but at one point OP said she'd given up her rights to lone parents benefits when he "moved in", so I don't think she'd been screwing the system. Her point was that, from the money she was receiving, she was expected to pay all bills (rent, council tax, electricity et) and all food - including for him and his dd 3 - 4 days a week, while he paid nothing at all for anything.

She's well-shot of him.

fumble · 03/05/2009 20:26

Just re read your last big post and I use the word YOUR in that sense!Can I ask when was it a word that stated you and him together? e.g. US or WE ??

So it's YOUR money as a result of YOUR XH and now you have YOUR HOUSE???

Sorry for sounding old fashioned here but if your EX has such a controlling influence on your life now you could never hold down a relationship as you are brandishing this guy the same when in fact it sounds to be opposite of that.

In future perhaps if you meet someone serious again work together rather than saying everything is YOURS. That way you might just have a chance of a happy life. After all if everything is YOURS where is HIS ??? Just a thought

fumble · 03/05/2009 20:28

Sorry OldLady I don't think you see the point here she is obviously claiming I.S. MAINTENACE TAX CREDITS ETC: THERE IS NO POST TO SAY THEY HAD THEIR MONEY TOGETHER!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/05/2009 20:31

They didn't have any money together. He expected her to pay for everything, while he contributed nothing, and she was expected to feed his dd 3 - 4 days a week. Where's the "we" in that from him?

fumble · 03/05/2009 20:36

So they WERE screwing the system because they would have got a lot less as a couple!

And as I stated Old Lady if everything in these posts is HERS how do we know what was going on??? If everything was HERS why shouldnt he have HIS.

Either way if Grumpy hedn't had HERS and he hadn't had HIS then perhaps they may just have had THEIRS! That way that could have got on with it together and only then would she know if was genuine or not!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/05/2009 20:42

Why shouldn't HE pay HIS share of the bills, if they were a couple? Why shouldn't HE pay for HIS DD's food? Why should HE have £75 a week pocketmoney, while HER money went on bills etc?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/05/2009 20:42

Are you his ex, fumble?

GrumpyMoo · 03/05/2009 20:44

Interesting point you make here fumble but IMHO you sound very much like my ex-DP. So much so that I wonder if anyone else on these boards has heard of you before now, tonight with you post on this thred?

If I am mistaken here then I humbly apologise and claim fatigue and all the stress of the last few days and beg you to forgive me for thinking you may just be on here under false pretenses.

oldlady may I say an enormous thank you for speaking up for me. Means more than you know.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 03/05/2009 20:45

Fumble- you are so far off the page it is unreal, the OP has had the now ex living with her completely scott free for the last god knows how long, he has not contributed finacially in any meaningfull way to the household running costs and expected the OP to support his daughter too, 3 nights a week.

On what planet do you believe that is acceptable???

OUR house and OUR money need contributions from both parties

tbh you sound slightly more involved than you are letting on????

Grumpy- well done you, hopefully now you will be able to support your family, without having to support a sponging cocklodger and resorting to debt. I have been watching and reading with increasing admiration. Just felt I had to post when someone could get IT sooooooo wrong!

Good Luck and ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM!!!!!!