to think some women marry into wealth on purpose!

[tryingtobemarypoppins]

I am meeting LOADS of "yummy mummy types" at the moment who have married really wealthy men, now SAHM, driving flash cars who before didn't work in higly paid jobs.....so begs the questio, did they set out to acheive this or marry for love?????

Basically I think the norm is that like attracts like, even when it comes to wealth.

You dont want to date somebody who says "nah, we cant lunch in there, it is too expensive" when you clearly can afford it and WANT to lunch there rather than somewhere cheaper. Neither do you want a man to say "Blimey, holiday at a spa in Tuscany? Well, I am really happy with Centreparcs...Nowt wrong with Butlins, lets go there!" etc. People usually date and get one with people who share their values and their ethics, and I dont think that a persons wealth or financial affairs is necessarily at the forefront of anybodys mind.

I think when you look for a partner, and someone presumably to be a father to any children you might have, you want to be reassured that they will contribute to the family income or the welfare of the family unit. It is not just love of their character, personal attractiveness but love of what you perceive they will do for the family unit. It could be money, or it could be care and attention.
I think how hard your partner works can be a source of attractiveness, often hard work leads to money, not always, life is unfair, but I think we are programmed to think that good workers/aka providers ARE attractive.
We confuse this with muscles and humour because we think this will make them good hunter gatherers (strong and resourceful) but ultimately we want someone who will LOOK after us and protect us from wolves.
But it doesn't mean (except in extreme cases) we want someone RICH, just possibly with a modicum of earning power.

"People usually date and get one with people who share their values and their ethics"

That's true so I suppose unless there is some original similarity you don't get to date those men and anyway "those" men covers a multitude of sins. One I remember who was very well off was basically the wrong class and very left wing - paid much more tax than he was obliged to even (and good for him socialists would say) etc - I just couldn't have tolerated it not that I'm anything but fairly normally middle class but I need someone who walks on the outside of the pavement automatically etc etc

If you want to find rich men for your daughters then I suppose you make sure they go to privaet schools, have the right accent, do the sorts of things that means they'll meet them - good university not Middlesex poly etc.

It is not hard to meet rich men tbh if you look for them.

I suppose you do tend to date people you feel at home with. In my case working class who have "done good" and tend to be slightly left of Karl Marx. Not many rich men meet my criteria.

Left of Karl Marx? Like who?

And that Cote is why I have stuck with the man I have

I met 2 or three of those and as I don't want working class and want someone who votes Conservative however rich they were it was no good....

Xenia you can add that to the list of reasons to explain why we have not run off to set up a lesbian community together.

If DH dropped dead I honestly couldn't be arsed with dating again.

It was largely an enormous waste of effort.

Wish I did, I'm sure DH wished he married for money too. He's still waiting for my dowry!

I just think that if I wanted something I could get it for myself, absolutley no need for anyone else to get it for me.

I agree with twin about getting things for yourself not leeching off a man. Don't agree with expat though about "dating". It's not an effort. It's fun.

I quite miss dating.

'Don't agree with expat though about "dating". It's not an effort. It's fun. '

Oh, I was over it when I married DH, Xenia. But you married relatively young and stayed married for a while, whereas I had years and years of dating and it did grow tiresome.

Hated just dating. Not very good at it. Stalked DH for three years before he asked me out!!! (don't ask very long story)

I agree with twinset, that if you want something, whether it's money, a particular career, to live in a certain place, then far better to achieve these for yourself, rather than look to someone else to provide them for you.

People who look to others to fulfil personal aspirations for them, whether it's looking to a high earning husband to buy you the lifestyle you want, or whether it's living your life through your children, expecting them to have the exciting career that you didn't achieve - it's all rather empty isn't it really? It centres on the assumption that half the population's role is to live life fully, and grasp opportunities, while the other half live a kind of shadow existence.

Why would anyone who has particular aspirations, whether for money or anything else not want to strive to achieve it themself?

Indeed and as I'm divored I hear or read about from lots of women who are left in the lurch because they sacrificed all (particularly earning potential) for a man. Or they drop out of university or move and leave their studies because of a man. Rarely is it the other way around.

One thing I won't do (and didn't first time as my ex husband moved to London because my first job was there and left his own job, found another, sold his house etc to move to where my career took us which ultimately benefited him hugely on the divorec anyway and certainly did me no harm) is sacrifice income/career for a man.

sorry to interrupt this serious debate but... come on xenia join the thread on chat entitled "what are you a snob about". I'm sure you could add some things to liven it up a bit!!!

I've put my career (in finance) on hold for my babies, not for their father.

When this last baby (due in 5 weeks) is 3, I fully expect to go back to work - quite possibly in a slightly different area.

In the meanwhile, the nature of my area of expertise and DH's complete ignorance in it means that all our money is in my hands. He has a vague idea of which banks our accounts are at, but wouldn't know how to access them. One big account isn't even in his name.

Just to say that not all SAHMs are helpless re money nor do we necessarily expect to be SAHMs forever.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all to ask this question. It's a question that many of us wonder about but haven't had the guts to actually ask ourselves just admit it!

I think many women do deliberately get married so they can pack their job in to have the kids, I see it alot. I don't think there's anything wrong in it as long as both parties are happy about that.

I'm a SAHM so don't feel any pangs of jealousy (besides the fact we're not loaded in any way!). We get by and have holidays too, so can't complain.