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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sending one child to nursery while the other is on school holidays is mean!

148 replies

theBFG · 07/04/2009 10:14

My sister has two children. One is seven and the other is three. The youngest one is in nursery as Dsis works full time. But her dh works shifts, so when her eldest is on holiday he either arranges his shifts to allow for the holidays, or dsis takes time off work, or my parents look after him.

But they continue to send the younger one to nursery, and the reason they give is that 'we're paying for it so he's going.'

Now he's getting older, he's starting to catch on that something is different, as they drop him first rather than the older child. But they just lie to him and say that the other child is going to school after him. They even take the other child's school bag in the car to keep up the pretence. Because they know that if he knew that his brother was staying home he would cry and not want to go to nursery.

I feel so for him. And feel that it's just wrong and horrible and mean.

OP posts:
FigmentOfYourImagination · 07/04/2009 10:17

Does he enjoy nursery ?

I think it is fair enough that he still goes, especially if it is all paid for and he enjoys it.

YABU

MrsMagooo · 07/04/2009 10:20

YABU.

Many nurserys will let your childs place go if you don't continue to send them.

My DD (who is the eldest) currently goes to nursery 2 mornings a week & DH & I have discussed it & will continue to send her in the summer holidays.

a) we've paid for the sessions so don't want to waste money.

b) 6 weeks is long a time so a few mornings a week with her friends playing, painting, generally having fun will help to break up the long summer days.

c) we don't want to loose her place.

However I wouldn't like to DD about it that part is wrong IMO.

KingCanuteIAm · 07/04/2009 10:20

YABU, sometimes there are differences, at some point child 1 will go to a holiday club and child 2 won't or child 2 will go to a friends for a night and child 1 won't. It is normal to have differences. They are sending him to a nursery he (hopefully) enjoys not a boot camp!

I am not sure I like the lying though but maybe that is my own little bug-bear!

psychomum5 · 07/04/2009 10:20

oh I still sent my younger ones to nursery during the school hols, simply so that I could have some lovely me-time with my elder child who I rarely saw due to school etc. tis lovely at times

mind you, during the summer hols I didn;t.....used to book mine out then as I didn;t want to be tied to early rises and planning my weeks still around 'school-runs'.

I never lied to them tho.......just pointed out the time I got with each of them differently.

Original poster
theBFG · 07/04/2009 10:21

No he would far rather be at home. And why shouldn't he get time off as his brother does? Just because there's money involved?

OP posts:
MrsMagooo · 07/04/2009 10:22

I hasten to add my DH also works shifts, DD loved going to nursery & looks forward to seeing her friends so I don't see the harm in continuing to send her.

stealthsquiggle · 07/04/2009 10:23

I think the lying bit is a bit much, but other than that... DH and I work from home and although we mostly make other arrangements, there are days when DS(6) will be at home and DD(2) at nursery - because we can leave DS to amuse himself while we work (we are in the house, he can come and find us) but there is no way we could do that with DD. Similarly, my parents can go and do stuff just with DS which they couldn't/wouldn't do with both.

My self-justification is that I work 4 days a week - so during term time DD has 1 day a week home alone with me - I view the odd day in the holidays as DS's chance to be the 'only' one for a short while.

TheButterflyOeuffect · 07/04/2009 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
theBFG · 07/04/2009 10:24

The nursery don't let the place go.

The other child dresses up in his school uniform to keep up the pretence. And goes for lovely days out with parents/grandparents while the other one is in nursery.

I can absolutely see why you might keep it up for a couple of days a week, but he goes full time and the older child is expected to keep up the pretence as well. So how smug must the older child feel knowing that he's getting something his brother isn't.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 07/04/2009 10:25

BFG, TBH, I am not sure it is your place to be so wound up by this! It is up to their parents to decide when they are in or out of nursery/school.

Perhaps it is just as much about them not wanting him to get out of the habit of going to nursery as the money (and yes, money is a factor for most people even if you do think that is wrong!)

psychomum5 · 07/04/2009 10:26

the older child can;t be smug to the younger child face if the younger child doesn;t know it is happening.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 07/04/2009 10:27

I don't think the problem here is one staying at home and one going to nursery, the big problem here is the lying about it as that will make staying at home seem more special than it is if found out.

KingCanuteIAm · 07/04/2009 10:27

Hmm, ok, that is sounding a bit much! I am not sure about smug but certainly teaching him to lie to and decieve his little brother in such a complete way is wrong!

MrsMagooo · 07/04/2009 10:27

Ok so getting the older DC to put on his uniform to keep up the pretence is wrong & to lie to him is wrong also, on that part YANBU.

But I still don't gree that it's 'mean' to continue to send a child to nursery in the holidays.

Laugs · 07/04/2009 10:28

That is a bit weird once you've explained it in detail. I think asking an older child to lie to his sibling is really wrong. It's made me feel quite sad actually.

FigmentOfYourImagination · 07/04/2009 10:28

And why shouldn't he get time off as his brother does ?

Because he is playing. DD had far more opportunity to do messy play and craft stuff at nursery than she did at home. She was far more stimulated there than she would have been at home. Kids at 7 are working at school and by the time the holidays come around they need the break. 3yo do not need a break from finger painting and sand play.

I think you are overthinking this to honest OP. Have you said anything to your sister ? Presumably she has told you to butt out ?

FigmentOfYourImagination · 07/04/2009 10:28

the getting one sibling to lie to another is uncomfortable, I would agree with that.

MrsMagooo · 07/04/2009 10:30

Spot on Figment

Original poster
theBFG · 07/04/2009 10:30

tbh it's the lying that makes me and and the comments from them that "Oh x was so funny this morning, he asked why Y wasn't going to school first; He noticed that Y wasn't carrying a lunch box; ha ha ha he's so funny." And all the while this child is being deceived and for what?

And in a two week holiday is it really so unreasonable to think that perhaps this child could get maybe one or two days out of nursery given his parents and brother are home?

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 07/04/2009 10:31

The worse thing is the lying, and the sneakiness (dressing in school clothes etc) and fabrication of the lie which sounds totally ridiculous.

If they want to put the child in nursery figure out a way of saying why to both children.

Milkmade · 07/04/2009 10:36

I can just imagine an alternative post along these lines: AIBU to tell my sister to butt out of my childcare arrangements?

DS is happy and settled at nursery, and enjoys it there (though he can fuss a bit when we drop him off) but when we go on holiday it takes him a while it settle back in. Older DS who is now at school has bene having a bit of a hard time recently, and dh has the opportunity to manage his work so they can spend some 1-1 time over the school holidays. AIBU to keep DS2 in nursery over the holidays so he stays settled and DS1 gets some nice time with dad (though we may need to fudge the fact that DS1 is at home to make for an easier drop off for everyone?)
I'm sure they've thought through what works best for the whole familiy! (tho fwiw i'd probably baulk at the lying element)

anastaisia · 07/04/2009 10:38

I think the lying is very unhealthy.

I also think that if younger one goes full time every holiday that is unhealthy. They may not need as long a rest as the school child, and it might be nice to spend some one on one time with the elder but that is extreme. It would also be nice for the siblings to spend time together and to have time to relax as a family.

I personally would have the younger one home full time in that situation, but would think attending part-time, and honestly, would be reasonable.

pointydog · 07/04/2009 10:39

YANBU. If the little one is going to nursery full time (is that right?) I don't think it's fair at all.

I agree that it seems a bit horrible and mean.

The little one should just go part time in teh holidays. Or, of course, not at all. Nothing wrong with having to pay but not sending him.

Original poster
theBFG · 07/04/2009 10:50

ok perhaps I should have worded the title differently, although in my op I was specific about the lying and the deception.

For me the issue is the fact that this child is being lied to, and the other child is being brought up to think that lying is perfectly acceptable.

If the younger child was aware that his brother was at home during the holidays and it could be explained along the lines of that the older child was at nursery for the same amount of time when he was that age then although I think that the younger child should have some time out I could at least perhaps see some of the reasoning as long as it was all done honestly.

But the younger child believes that his brother is going to school every morning. And the older child is playing along and then going to the zoo/the toy shop/the park. It's not exactly raising children to be honest is it? Or teaching them that they can trust their parents? After all the older child knows his parents lie to his brother, he must be of an age now where he might be starting to wonder what they lie to him about also?

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 07/04/2009 10:51

DS will be going to nursery, but he does only go one morning a week.

Lying is wrong though.

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