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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that sending one child to nursery while the other is on school holidays is mean!

148 replies

theBFG · 07/04/2009 10:14

My sister has two children. One is seven and the other is three. The youngest one is in nursery as Dsis works full time. But her dh works shifts, so when her eldest is on holiday he either arranges his shifts to allow for the holidays, or dsis takes time off work, or my parents look after him.

But they continue to send the younger one to nursery, and the reason they give is that 'we're paying for it so he's going.'

Now he's getting older, he's starting to catch on that something is different, as they drop him first rather than the older child. But they just lie to him and say that the other child is going to school after him. They even take the other child's school bag in the car to keep up the pretence. Because they know that if he knew that his brother was staying home he would cry and not want to go to nursery.

I feel so for him. And feel that it's just wrong and horrible and mean.

OP posts:

jellybeans · 09/04/2009 09:44

'I'm paying for it, so he's going.'
I paid for DD too but that didn't matter as time is more valuable.

ellingwoman · 09/04/2009 10:01

I find that comment sad as well...

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 10:33

My DH works shifts.

We only have one DD 2 at the mo but I will be having a baby soon.

If/when I go back to work he'll look after both children before he goes to work/when he gets back from work depending on shift.

Why wouldn't he? They are his children.

Admittedly he's not doing night shifts but still...

Also someone said earlier they don't believe children are really in nursery 8-6 5 days a week all year.

Well I'm afraid they are. Certainly my work colleagues was, then when they went on holiday they would choose somewhere with all-day childcare facilities, so no family time then either. At weekends the DS often went to the GPs so that the couple could have some time together.

anniemac · 09/04/2009 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Cornflakemum · 09/04/2009 11:56

When DH & I both worked full-time we often sent DS2 to nursery with DS1 at home in holidays because it was the only time we managed to get a bit of a break. We had no grandparents, no relatives and no friends around who could take one or both children for a few hours.

The 'judgers' on here are making the assumption that a day spent at home is 'better' than a day at nursery - that's their opinion, but there's no proof of it in this case.

Anyway, if BFG is so concerned about her young nephew, has SHE offered to have him instead of him going to nursery?????

No, thought not.......

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 12:09

annie I must admit I thought my colleague was the exception rather than the norm but this thread has shown otherwise I think.

KERALA1 · 09/04/2009 12:22

Lots of people at my old job worked full time (more than full time actually as did long hours) and went on child free holidays, either left them at home with nannies or went to resorts with full time childcare. Even before I had children I was but thought I was being a naieve country girl and thats what you did when you worked in the City. Now I have my own children am doubley ! But of course we are not allowed to judge they must have had their own reasons blah blah

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 12:28

Kerala1 that's what my workplace was like - it was expected that after having child/ren you would go back FT and put the baby into full time nursery. If it's what you want to do, fine, but if not it's a real shame to have to.

My flexible working request was declined.

The thing is then you're in a culture where it's the norm. Plus as both working full time long hours when it's holiday time the couple want to reconnect hence choosing resorts with childcare I guess.

anniemac · 09/04/2009 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Shambolic · 09/04/2009 12:45

It was related to people saying that they didn't believe there were children in nursery 8-6 5 days a week all year. Kerala and I were sharing our experience that there are children around for whom this is the norm.

FWIW I do think it's bad that women can't have the option of working part-time in certain industries - you either go full time or you leave. You are right that that is a different conversation though.

DottedPyjamas · 09/04/2009 13:45

"The 'judgers' on here are making the assumption that a day spent at home is 'better' than a day at nursery - that's their opinion, but there's no proof of it in this case."

It looks like the younger child thinks so, hence the need for the lying. Apperently he'd cry if he knew that he'd be in nursery while the older one was at home.

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 09/04/2009 21:28

Jellybean/Ellingwoman You shouldn't find it 'sad', because it's not sad at all. My son loves going to nursery.

He has got a lot of attention recently for reasons that I'm not going to go into on this thread, but it was very good for my daughter to have the rare opportunity to have some time alone with her mother.

It was absolutely the right decision to send him to nursery this week, and it's astonishing that people who know nothing about me will declare that it is 'sad'.

ellingwoman · 09/04/2009 22:34

Sorry - I think I meant the 'I'm paying so he's going' a sad comment

Concordia · 09/04/2009 23:22

my DH works shifts and when i wasn't on maternity leave he collected DS from the childminders as soon as he finished work although he'd been up early. When he had to work late he did take DS to the childminder at 10 (he didn't go to work until 12.30). This gave him some time / peace etc esp important as we didn't / don't have family support, but still meant DS had the luxury of a lesuirely breakfast at home and not too long a time in the childminder before i came to pick him up. I think a bit of balance is what's required and it sounds as if the balance is a bit skewed in the family discussed by the OP. but as we don't really know all the circumstances we can't judge that much.
I agree though, if the little one loved nursery that much, they wouldn't need to go through all the lying about the older sibling now, would they?

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 10/04/2009 08:45

Ellingwoman, give it up. You said something stupid, have the grace to apologise, or at least just leave it.

My son only goes from 9 til 2o'clck 3 days a week, so I bet he's in nursery less than most children his age. He needs more nursery not less.

I don't have enough meoney to waste it for NO reason at all. In fact to waste money at the expense of his development and his happiness........

anniemac · 10/04/2009 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 10/04/2009 13:46

Exactly anniemac, he's not there ft, so why would I waste money by keeping him off? He's at HOME at least ten times as much as he's at nursery.

Makes no sense at all to miss paid for sessions, but as is happening more and more on mumsnet lately, somebody who knows fekk all about you leaps into their air in their rush to judge.

Shambolic · 10/04/2009 13:55

But this thread is about a situation where a child is in nursery 8-6 5 days a week.

No-one is saying anything about children going part-time for glueing and sticking.

Shambolic · 10/04/2009 14:00

Concordia has it right - it's a question of balance.

MollieO · 10/04/2009 14:12

When I read the OP I assumed that the 3 yr old enjoyed going to nursery so it was a question of maintaining routine. Reading that the family get the older sibling to lie really really shocked me. I wonder how that child will feel when he gets older and realises that his parents and older brother have been lying to him?

Ds is 4 and in reception. In the holidays he goes to holiday club at the school so he is there most days 8am to 4.30-6pm (depending who is collecting him). He loves it, so much so that he would rather go than spend a couple of days a week at home with his grandma. He gets upset on the days he is collected at 4.30pm because he misses having tea there and considers it a treat to stay until 6pm!

lupo · 11/04/2009 19:49

poor kid, think this is really mean..getting value for money is clearly nore important that doing something nice for their child

worley · 11/04/2009 20:12

ds2 is nearly 3 and goes part time to nursery(he does every morning)i also have to pay even if he does not go to his sessions, i pay to keep the session open for him when i need it, sometimes when i have to do an evening shift (twice a month) i still take ds2 to his morning session and i go home again, sometimes i will catch up on house work, have a long bath or have a wander around down, generally having some me time.
i do still take ds2 to nursery if its the school holidays and i have a day off with ds1 (who is 10) he likes to have a morning with just me and him and we do something together. so yes i too tell ds2 that ds1 will be going to school as it saves on the tantrums when we drop him off or he feels like he is missing out. (he has time alone with just me and him in the afternoons before ds1 gets home from school at 4)
i know ds2 loves nursery, he asks to go when he is at home and tels me he wants to go play with his friends, in fact we just had a week off all together and he asked everyday for his friends and his keyworker!
so yes i do think yabu. it my case i dont think its mean and i dont think she is mean either, its part time not 8am till 8pm or something is it?

qwertpoiuy · 11/04/2009 20:17

2 minutes after the 3-year-old has arrived at the nursery, he has forgotten why he didn't want to go. Parents have always told white lies to their children, and these children have grown up unharmed - believe it or not!
Maybe you should criticise CMs and creches for charging during holiday periods or when the child's not there, it's difficult for parents handing over their hard-earned money and then the child not attending seems like a waste of money.

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