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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sending one child to nursery while the other is on school holidays is mean!

148 replies

theBFG · 07/04/2009 10:14

My sister has two children. One is seven and the other is three. The youngest one is in nursery as Dsis works full time. But her dh works shifts, so when her eldest is on holiday he either arranges his shifts to allow for the holidays, or dsis takes time off work, or my parents look after him.

But they continue to send the younger one to nursery, and the reason they give is that 'we're paying for it so he's going.'

Now he's getting older, he's starting to catch on that something is different, as they drop him first rather than the older child. But they just lie to him and say that the other child is going to school after him. They even take the other child's school bag in the car to keep up the pretence. Because they know that if he knew that his brother was staying home he would cry and not want to go to nursery.

I feel so for him. And feel that it's just wrong and horrible and mean.

OP posts:
ellingwoman · 08/04/2009 15:51

That's what dps and weekends are for Hulababy!

And as you said yourself - when does the FT nursery child get HIS time?

qwertpoiuy · 08/04/2009 16:02

YABU. I though this thread had been written about me, only I don't have a sister.

I pay for my DD2 to go to a creche full-time, why shouldn't I send her there when it's holiday-time?

She enjoys it there, she does far more there than she would at home. And she is the most confident and sociable of my children, so it's not doing her any harm.

It's not right to compare a child in a nursery situation to a parent working - the child does not endure the same stress as the parent, so taking time away from the creche is not the equivalent to a parent taking holidays.

If anybody said it to me, I'd find a polite way to tell them to mind their own business.

Cornflakemum · 08/04/2009 16:22

I suspect that all the people jumping up and down saying 'it's cruel and mean' are anti-nursery in the first place and only see nurseries as some sort of child-prison to be released from??

Both mine went to nursery and loved it - playing with their friends all day...

When DS1 started school we also continued to send DS2 to nursery for part of the holidays for all of the reasons listed above

i.e.

  • already paid for
  • was unsettling for him to miss 2 weeks at a time
  • easier to have quality time with DS1

Admittedly we didn't lie or deceive DS2 about it - we just explained that when he started school his turn would come for holidays, and by that time DS1 would probably be at kids' clubs etc, so he would get the same opportunities.

No problem with it myself, but agree the lying isn't on....

anniemac · 08/04/2009 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 08/04/2009 16:52

Also for those who have them home with you for the holidays do you have one parent working and one SAHP?

MIAeatingeggs · 08/04/2009 17:32

So the very youngest children who go to nursery full time should also go all year around without any break. Full time 52 weeks of the year? [Hmm] Private nurseries open all year, without any fixed holidays as 'most' parents take their holidays at different times in the year, or in the school holidays and then would have their Dc away from nursery during this family time' I am that a minority believe it is ok for a young child to continue going to nursery full time whilst other family members are enjoying a break. Although some seem to defend it whilst also saying they would only send their DC part time during the holidays.

compo · 08/04/2009 17:36

MIA - nursery isn;t the same as school or work though
kids that still nap can nap at nursery
there is no napping at school or work

my youngest goes to nursery 2 days a week
tomorrow she will go, dh will have a day with ds doing things together like going to see Monster vs Alien at the cinema that dd wouldn't have wanted to do at 2 years old, and I'll be at work

Hulababy · 08/04/2009 17:40

elingwoman - weekends here are family time. DH and I like to spend some time together and not go off and do things seperately at weekends if we can. As it happens we only have one child (both of us have siblings ourselves though so I cantake from experience in that sense) but even so we have even banned any regular extra currciular activities, etc on weekends for DD as it is family time.

gingernutlover · 08/04/2009 17:42

i havent read the entire thread but I would say the lying is definatly BU es[pecially as they are involving the older child in it.

I would say the sending the younger child to nursery is the parents decision and they must have their reasons for it, doubt they are only financial reasons. If they are both working maybe the grandparents cant cope with both children or if one parent is home maybe they are having some special time with the older one - pity he still has to go 5 full days a week but, like I say, their decision.

Personally I send dd to nursery in the school hols (i am a teacher) but I never lie to her about it. And she does shorter days and only 3 days a week.

Hulababy · 08/04/2009 17:43

I do think a FT nursery child should have some free time and a break though, yes. I was assuming the child was PT TBH (possibly incorrectly) as most, ime, are. For a PT nursery child I would still think it isn't an issue.

Infact i used to send DD to nursery in the school holidays (was a teacher) to give me a bit of free time,but also for consistency for DD.

ellingwoman · 08/04/2009 17:44

I repeat - an institution is still an institution. It doesn't matter if you work, rest or play there. IT'S NOT HOME.

Anyway - I don't think anyone is really getting upset about one or two days a week, it's the full-timers.

LIZS · 08/04/2009 17:45

When we lived abroad the terms for ds' school and dd's playgroup often differed . For example, in summer he'd break up mid June and she mid July. It never occurred to me to not send her unless we wanted to go away ourselves off peak and she was more than happy to still go .

ellingwoman · 08/04/2009 17:45

That was in response to Compo BTW. Got side-tracked by Deal or No Deal

MIAeatingeggs · 08/04/2009 17:48

As you said compo, your DC only goes 2 days a week! If a child goes to nursery 5 days a week, all year around do they not deserve any family time? I don't agree that they don't need a break. It is the full time at nursery and not having any time off during the holidays that is making me
As I asked those that have defended it, do you agree that full time and not taking the holiday is mean, as the OP asked?

compo · 08/04/2009 17:52

well I'd be very surprised if any child went all year round without a break
what about when the family goes on holiday?
and at xmas?
and bank holidays
no child would go 5 days a week all year round

MIAeatingeggs · 08/04/2009 18:01

Compo, Good job that we have statutory bank holidays then. Private nurseries only close Christmas eve ( and then not always!) Boxing day and New years Day. As for the family holidays, then if the parents are using their holiday time to stay and look after an older DC during school holidays, whilst sending their youngest to nursery, then this will reduce their holiday time significantly.

DottedPyjamas · 08/04/2009 18:34

I really don't understand people who do something for the sole reason (or the main reason) that they've paid for it. Like people who continue to stuff themselves at great discomfort even after they've had plenty to eat, simply because they've paid for it.

YANBU, the whole charade of dressing up in school uniform everyday (IF that part is true, I'm not sure if anyone would be bothered to do that everyday) to deceive a young child makes me think very badly of those parents.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 08/04/2009 18:40

"As I asked those that have defended it, do you agree that full time and not taking the holiday is mean, as the OP asked?"

No I don't think it's mean, all the OP has said is that the parents don't take the younger child out of school when the older child has holiday and the parents are trying to juggle work she hasn't mentioned anything about when both parents are home.

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 08/04/2009 18:42

I send my son while my dc1 is on her Easter break. I'm paying for it, so he's going.

Also, my dd probably needs the time with me right now, and, nursery is good for my son's delayed speech as it forces him to make an effort to talk. I understand his points and uh uhs too well.

So, Yes YABU

qwertpoiuy · 08/04/2009 19:39

that people can be so judgemental!

I used to feel guilty whenever I left DD2 at creche if I wasn't working (even though I do 24 hour shifts sometimes and would get the next day off - I'm not physically fit to look after her), until I listened to the radio one day and heard ladies being interviewed about what it was like rearing children in the 50s and 60s. They all said the same thing - they felt isolated and lonely and felt women today have a much easier time being able to go places, and working outside the home therefore having thir own money.
From that day onwards, I stopped feeling guilt.

And, I'm sorry but you reactions to these parents lying to the 3-year-old about the older sibling being at school are very extreme! The younger child won't remember any of this in two weeks time, it's not going to damage him for life!

SoupDreggon · 08/04/2009 19:45

DD (3) goes when DSs (8 & 10) are on holiday.
Judge away, I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks.

Shambolic · 08/04/2009 20:01

This is more common than I thought.

I knew my work colleague put her DS (2) into nursery 8-6 5 days all year but thought this was unusual rather than being more the norm.

Personally I thought it was sad that he went even when the parents were off but it suited them.

Turniphead1 · 08/04/2009 20:06

My 3 year old is at nursery his normal 2 mornings this week whilst his two sisters are at home (one school age, one baby). He couldn't care less - but I wouldn't lie to him about his sister being off. I get to spend some more one on one time with DD1 - and he gets this a lot more when she is at school so all evens out.

MintyyAeroEgg · 08/04/2009 20:07

I've read the whole thread. In the circumstances you describe and if the younger child is full time at this nursery then yanbu, op, to think your sister is "being mean" towards her youngest child. I strongly suspect the truth of the matter is that it is easier for the rest of the family for the youngest child to be left in nursery and so thats what they do. If that is the case, then I think it sucks.

ssd · 08/04/2009 20:11

MintyyAeroEgg, brilliant name, your making me hungry!