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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sending one child to nursery while the other is on school holidays is mean!

148 replies

theBFG · 07/04/2009 10:14

My sister has two children. One is seven and the other is three. The youngest one is in nursery as Dsis works full time. But her dh works shifts, so when her eldest is on holiday he either arranges his shifts to allow for the holidays, or dsis takes time off work, or my parents look after him.

But they continue to send the younger one to nursery, and the reason they give is that 'we're paying for it so he's going.'

Now he's getting older, he's starting to catch on that something is different, as they drop him first rather than the older child. But they just lie to him and say that the other child is going to school after him. They even take the other child's school bag in the car to keep up the pretence. Because they know that if he knew that his brother was staying home he would cry and not want to go to nursery.

I feel so for him. And feel that it's just wrong and horrible and mean.

OP posts:
DottedPyjamas · 08/04/2009 23:22

"And, I'm sorry but you reactions to these parents lying to the 3-year-old about the older sibling being at school are very extreme! The younger child won't remember any of this in two weeks time, it's not going to damage him for life! "

The older child will remember though. Is it right to make him part of the deceit?

Concordia · 08/04/2009 23:36

YANBU. this is really sad. I kind of agree the parents have a right to do what they want and its not the OPs business. But, i don't like the way the sibling is encouraged to lie, and the fact that it is five full days a week (a few half days, well fine, to give the little one some stimulation alongside others and the older one more attention, but if there is an alternative, 50 hours a week in an institution all year round is not ideal for a 3 year old ). Ok judging hat coming off now. To be fair, we don't really know all the family circumstances, so it is hard to really judge what is going on. But on the basis of what was have been told, YANBU, its sad

blackthorn · 08/04/2009 23:41

So many mothers here who are all to happy to be part time parents. Yes send them to nursery, it's so much easier to cope with the day without a 3 yr old around! Let someone else do the work for you! Keep him at home for at least 2 of the 5 days ffs!

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 09/04/2009 07:23

BUT THERE IS NOT A SAHP THERE ARE TWO PARENTS WORKING TRYING TO JUGGLE CHILDCARE.

liath · 09/04/2009 08:00

What a bizarre attitute, blackthorn. Historically mothers have always had help rearing children - either from extended family or paid help for the better off. The modern phenomenon of women being expected to look after children on their own is really quite unnatural. Since when was it a failure to need a bit of help? Judgemental attitudes like that just contribute to some women feeling like complete failures becuase they can't achieve some unrealistic ideal of being Ubermum in isolation.

MIAeatingeggs · 09/04/2009 08:09

But these parents are getting help 5 full days a week all year around and as for there not being a SAHP, the Father and GP are around to look after the older child.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 09/04/2009 08:19

The father is around if he changes his shift, I presume this mean he still has to go to work after he has looked after the children, as anyone on here would testify looking after children is hard work. Grandparents might not have the ability to look after 2 children at once, and even if they did they are GRANDPARENTS not parents why should they take on both at once?

ssd · 09/04/2009 08:23

liath, there's help and there's help

the op's sister is lying to her youngest child and making the oldest child take part in the lie, just so she doesn't need to be bothered looking after them both at the same time

as I said earlier, why do some women have more than 2 kids if they genuinely can't be bothered with them both at the same time?

and saying "oh we've paid for the place in nursery" is a whitewash

MIAeatingeggs · 09/04/2009 08:25

Don't all parents if they work, have to go to work after looking after their children?!

Will leave it to the Op now as am leaving this thread, am too at a minority who believe it is ok to not give a young child the same entitlement of time with family that an older DC and other members of a family can enjoy. Weird world.

SoupDreggon · 09/04/2009 08:26

[crap mother]
[doesn't give a sh*t]

ssd · 09/04/2009 08:28

I agree MIA, the general feeling seems to be that the youngest child won't remember it,.....I think the family is just setting a precedent for the future......

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 09/04/2009 08:28

"time with family"

you are making it sound like they are all going to disney world whilst he is locked in a cupboard.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 09/04/2009 08:29

"why do some women have more than 2 kids if they genuinely can't be bothered with them both at the same time?"

the mother is at work. Should she not have had any kids as she has to work full-time?

ssd · 09/04/2009 08:31

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits, no she's not, she just means spending time together doing family stuff, WHICH IS WHY SHE HAD KIDS.......

or obviously not, in the op's sisters case

ssd · 09/04/2009 08:34

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits re read the following from the op's post,she's not at work all the time.someone is at home when her eldest is on holiday, just not her youngets

"But her dh works shifts, so when her eldest is on holiday he either arranges his shifts to allow for the holidays, or dsis takes time off work, or my parents look after him."

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 09/04/2009 08:41

Yes but if she works fulltime perhaps she enjoys her days off with her oldest son for one-one time. Her DH rearranges his shifts he still has to go to work after doing full-time childcare which most people agree is bloody hard work so why shouldn't he decide to look after the eldest only, and why should the grandparents have both children. All points I have covered in my previous posts.

Yes maybe the OPs sister is being a selfish bitch but maybe, just maybe she is trying to juggle everything to the best of her ability like most of us on here.

Seeing as she is the one who is working full-time why the hell aren't you being judgemental about the HUSBAND.

MIAeatingeggs · 09/04/2009 08:41

Thanks ssd

I could not let the
'you are making it sound like they are all going to disney world whilst he is locked in a cupboard'comment pass, It is totally inaccurate and to reiterate my point, had you read my other posts you would know that is not what I am saying. I am sure the nursery is a lovely place to be, I just think that the child deserves a break from nursery when possible as he attends full time to spoend time as a family.
< MIAonline goes away and sits on her hands and tapes up her mouth>

ssd · 09/04/2009 08:45

libras, because the op is refering to her sister......

Mooseheart · 09/04/2009 08:50

It's a difficult one...

The lying and deception is IMO a big no no, quite apart from the fact it's morally wrong it is also worrying in that it's teaching the older one that it's OK to lie.

The sending to nursery is understandable from the POV that it's paid for and that the care available is not through a SAHP but through family juggling shifts...

I really can't help but feel though that your sister's family could be making more of an effort to take their ds2 out of nursery at least once or twice a week... like many posters have already said, he deserves a break too and I imagine the whole family would benefit from doing stuff together. If the ds1 was hanging around bored watching TV all day it wouldn't be so bad but the fact he's being taken on day trips that no doubt the younger would appreciate... all a bit sad IMHO.

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 09/04/2009 08:51

yes but it's not the whole family is it one of them is at work.

the op refers to her sister but why should this all be the sisters fault, when on mumsnet have we ever been willing to let a male get away with no blame. Oh sorry I forgot this is because it's childcare arrangements and therefore a female thing. And actually she only refers to her sister in the context of that is how she knows her the rest of the post is actually "they".

debs40 · 09/04/2009 09:10

It seems a bit sad but then you never really know the truth of other people's situations and you judge another mother at your peril!

Sometimes, people can find it really hard to cope with more than one child at the same time. It can be very hard to admit this as we're all supposed to be perfect

I have two boys- ages 6 and 3 - and the youngest is completely bonkers as is appropriate for a three year old and which I find great and funny. However, it is also incredibly hard work, especially compared to my much more chilled 6 year old !

I always keep them off together in the hols as they have learnt to really love their time off and play like proper pals. This is lovely to see but it wasn't always the case. It has just happened as DS2 gets older.

Also, some parents do feel a bit guilty when the older one goes to school as s/he doesn't often get 'alone' time with a parent.

I know it is hard, but I'd just not to judge. There's always someone equally willing to tut and sigh over something we've done as parents. Try not to do it to family.

piscesmoon · 09/04/2009 09:10

I think that it is lovely to be able to do things with just the older DC, especially when there is quite an age difference and they are different sexes.
I don't think that it is right to lie-I would just tell the truth and say that when he gets to school he will get the time off. He will have his own time later on when the older one is old enough to do her own thing in the holidays.

Gorionine · 09/04/2009 09:18

I have a friend who does the same so as to not upset her Ds2's routine. I find it bizzarre, but utimatly it is her choice. The big difference is that she does not lie to her child nor does she ask for her DS1 to lie either. I find the lying bit very .

piscesmoon · 09/04/2009 09:20

I think it is a mistake to lie for a quiet life but I can understand people doing it-however I can't understand them getting the older child to join in lie.

jellybeans · 09/04/2009 09:42

YANBU I used to keep DD with me when she was f/t nursery and I had time off ALWAYS as I missed her the rest of the time. Also, the lies are awful.