To think that sending one child to nursery while the other is on school holidays is mean!

[theBFG]

My sister has two children. One is seven and the other is three. The youngest one is in nursery as Dsis works full time. But her dh works shifts, so when her eldest is on holiday he either arranges his shifts to allow for the holidays, or dsis takes time off work, or my parents look after him.

But they continue to send the younger one to nursery, and the reason they give is that 'we're paying for it so he's going.'

Now he's getting older, he's starting to catch on that something is different, as they drop him first rather than the older child. But they just lie to him and say that the other child is going to school after him. They even take the other child's school bag in the car to keep up the pretence. Because they know that if he knew that his brother was staying home he would cry and not want to go to nursery.

I feel so for him. And feel that it's just wrong and horrible and mean.

I should have said my child only goes 2 days per week. Not sure I would do it for 5 days. I might. I might not, again it would depend on circumstances.

I agree with the OP. If the little boy doesn't want to go to nursery and father and older sibling are at home, it is really horrible to lie to the little one to make him go to nursery.

Some parents are really odd!

DC3 (2) goes to nursery 3 days a week, and I put him in there during the school holidays. That way, DD (almost 10, DS (nearly 12) and I can do things that we used to do before he came along - the cinema, ski-ing, long walks, bike rides etc, or they can just chill with friends without being disturbed by a 2 year old and I can get on with ironing, housework etc. on the days when I'm off work looking after the eldest 2.

He loves nursery, but still has 4 days a week at home with us, and so I don't feel at all guilty for putting him in nursery when I'm off. However, I'm not sure that I would put him in 5 days a week.

Ooops, no, I had not read the thread properly. Blame pg hormones and being interupted by 5 year old ds. Sorry!!

YABU

yabu . The deceit is an issue for me but not the one attending and one not. Much easier to entertaina 7yr old alone than both.

My DD3 is at nursery 3 mornings a week (she is almost 3).

During the schoool holiday the default option is that she will continue to go for those 3 mornings.

She loves nusery and wakes up most mornings asking if it is a "nursery day". It also allows time fot eh DTDs to do things that they can't do (as easily) with DD3 around too - this holiday there will be 4 mornings that I spend with them alone. We have played monopoly this morning which would be impossible with DD3 here. Tomorrow we will probably go swimming (which we can't do with DD3 because of supervision ratio's). Next week they would like to go toa local museum which could be done with DD3 but they will get far more out of it without her having her own needs. The final day - we will probably either go swimming again or do some maccano which also also a no no with a 3yo.

If, however, we want to go out for hte day as a family one of those days we will - and she will miss nursery.

By and large I think it is good to keep routine if possible - it can help avoid upset for those first few days trying to get back into it.

At the end of the day I think it does depend alittle on circumstances. If she was at nursery 5 days a week I would probably do it differently. If she didn't want to go (because DTDs are off) she perhap wouldn't go.

YA NOT BU if it was the odd time to give the older one a bit of one on one time with Dad or GP's then lovely, but to keep the little one at nursery FULL TIME when the other one is one holiday, that it bloody awful.

LO's DO need a break from nursery to play with their own toys, to have time with family, to have 'lazy' mornings - the same as we ALL do - what looks like 'play' to you, is work to them.

We all (well most of us anyway) fudge the truth to little ones at times to make their life a bit easier, but FGS to teach the elder one that this level of betrayal is acceptable astounds me - (as BFG also said) do they not think that he will wonder when HE is being lied to? Do they feel it's fair to make him feel he is that much more important than his brother?

As for the money - so what? It's not like they are having to pay for another childminder?

Slightymad (& others in similar situations), I think that's great - everyone wins - but it's a totally different situation than the one BFG has described isn't it - a couple of mornings not 5 full (8-6) days.

I feel very sorry for the little one.

I just think you've got to be winding us up...dressing the older one in full school uniform and then going off to the funfair or wherever for the day? Get outta here!

Agree with the OP personally.

People who work full time get a few weeks off a year.

Children who go to school get weeks and weeks off every year.

And yet a 3yo has to be out of the house 8-6 5 days a week with no break at all?

That's really unfair.

Totally different if it's a couple of days/mornings etc. My DD will be going two mornings a week soon and I wouldn't feel the need to stop it if she wanted to go. Plus I think my nursery is term time only anyway (may be imagining that not started yet!).

It reminds me of a work colleague whos 2yo DS was in nursery 8-6 5 days a week, always put in if either or both of the parents were off, and their top priority when booking holidays was that the place had somewhere to look after their DS all day. Made me really .

I agree with you OP. Presumably (from your posts) you have not told your sister how you feel, and are simply asking 'AIBU' to feel that it's mean? IMO you are not BU. it is horribly mean. I don't really understand the mindset of a parent who would want to send one child FULL-TIME, whilst enjoying holiday-time with the other. I do think it makes sense to send the younger child a few times a week to a) allow them to see their nursery friends, b) facilitate 1:1 time with older child, c) have time to get some chores etc done.

As for the lying, I find it repulsive that a parent would compel a child to lie, especially to another family member (be it sibling, the other parent, whoever).

In some circs I think this would be fine - eg if the younger child went to nursery part-time to keep up the routine and if it was all explained to both dc

But in this situation the lying and the deception is awful and weird - they get the older child to dress in his school uniform and they all laugh at the younger one behind his back?? Awful and pretty damning of their values in general imo.

Unfortunately, it is their weird shit and not OP's business though.

YANBU

too many kids seem to spend most of their time apart from their sibling as it makes it easier for the parents

what about the family unit??

why do some folk bother having more than one child if they can't be aRSED WITH THE TWO OF THEM TOGETHER?

YABU about sending the younger child to nursery and I'll be doing the same myself next year after ds1 starts school but before ds2 goes the following year.
If i want to spend some one to one time with my elder child while the other is perfectly happy and safe in a place that I've paid for.

YA also BU in doing IABU by stealth. I want all the facts in the op and not bits and bobs later on after everyone disagrees with you.

Agree with doggie. I wouldn't choose to lie to my child, and encourage sibling lying, but maybe the grandparents who look after older child couldn't cope with little one as well, or maybe parents do older child things. Younger kids do tend to force you to do stuff at their level that can be detrimental to older kids having quality time. If I wasn't happy with something my sister did though, I would either raise it with her or keep my nose out. Discussing how awful she is on mumsnet seems a bit treacherous to me.
She is a mum, here's hoping she doesn't read mumsnet fora.

kids need to learn to compromise, one of the best things about having a sibling is learning the whole world doesn't revolve around you (although they never see it like that at the time!!)

Flibbertjibbet, will you be sending DS2 Full time to nursery then whilst DS1 is at home with you?

Is it any of your business?

Thought not.

2rebecca, I couldn't have put it better myself.

Ouch.
No it isn't, had you not posted on a forum to say what you were doing in defence of the same situation.

Just thought that perhaps you were perhaps doing it part time as other people who had posted here were going to. But given the aggressive tone of your answer, you obviously have the same attitude to parenting as the Op's sister.

charming!

you make it our business when you post about your life, whats wrong with someone asking you a question?

I've just read the OP again and re-read this
"But her dh works shifts, so when her eldest is on holiday he either arranges his shifts to allow for the holidays, or dsis takes time off work, or my parents look after him.
"

So there are 3 permutations

1. DH works shifts - in this case I would assume that after the DC have been looked after he has to go to work, in that case I can see why he might only want to look after the older child who can entertain himself.

2. DSIS takes a day off - fair enough MAYBE she should have her DS2 as well in this case but as she has to take holiday as well I think this option is probably rare.

3. the grandparents look after the DC - are the grandparents capable of looking after 2 children, perhaps your DSIS think they have done their child rearing duty and don't want to put apon them to much and therefore only want to send the older DS.

Does the older Dc get lovely days out EACH day of the holiday? really?

I think you are being very judgey.

However I still agree the lying is wrong.

Agree with ssd further down. Being a family means compromising all the time to various degrees. I'm amazed so many posters think their other children need all this time away from their younger siblings.

Would everyone still send their LO to nursery every day if it was free? Or is it a case of I've paid for it so I'm going to use it?

I knew a child who was at nursery FT during all school holidays apart from 2 weeks in the summer. To cover the older children, Mum took 2 weeks off, then Dad, then they all went away for 2 weeks together. The child used to scream every day going in. Dad had to take her as mum felt too guilty. Their reasoning - she likes routine. It was really sad and I think this is why I'm very anti it.

YABU

Does he enjoy nursery?
Does he not want to go?
Is it every day?
Does he not enjoy getting chance to pay with this own friends at nursery?

Surely the 7y is allowed some parent time on his own, without the 3y. ALL children ime enjoy some time to themselves without a sibling around.

Des the 3y also get parent time on his own wen the 7y is at school?

By ellingwoman on Wed 08-Apr-09 15:41:10
Agree with ssd further down. Being a family means compromising all the time to various degrees. I'm amazed so many posters think their other children need all this time away from their younger siblings.

But ALL children ime enjoy some time out without siblings around and should be allowed the chance to have this time to themselves, without having to always share attention, etc. Let's face it most adults enjoy some time out to themselves. Children are no different.