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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

1000 replies

chickenmama · 06/04/2009 17:40

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

OP posts:
minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 06/04/2009 20:15

Don't forgive him just because he said sorry once.

Everyone's right that's told you how he's behaving right now should be normal. You shouldn't be on edge just because he's 'being nice', that's no way to live.

When aren't you on edge?

Cazzaben · 06/04/2009 20:20

I agree don't lose the main aim here its just a tiny drop in the ocean compared with everything that has been happening over the years.

Stay focused and keep reading why you are doing this...
Stay safe hun xxxx

madrose · 06/04/2009 20:27

just saying hello again. What would you do if it was your sister or a close friend living your life at the moment? Your husband needs help, but it appears that he isn't going to do anything about it while he can still on drinking whenever he wants. he knows that he is able to bully you so has no reason to change.

I can imagine the anxiety that you are living with each and every day, please for your own sanity, the sanity of your children move out. It may shock your husband into dealing with his issues. But from experience - too boring and hideous to go into detail, it is very unlikely that he will do it with you there. He doesn't have to.

Good luck and wish i could be closer to offer real support.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 06/04/2009 21:20

Hoping you can get on here later Stars, let us know everything's OK?

Servalan · 06/04/2009 21:37

Hi Stars

Just posting so I keep the thread in my sights.

I'm glad that tonight he's giving you a night off him being an arsehole. I, like others here, was a bit worried about how his birthday would affect him.

However, just to agree with everyone else, you are doing the right thing and you've done so well today with making the calls and making your escape more of a reality. He clearly has a problem, and like I've posted before, alcoholics will generally carry on with the addictive behaviour if they don't have an incentive to change.

The fact that him behaving like a decent human being is the exception rather than the norm speaks volumes.

You deserve to not be on edge and to not worry each night whether or not you are going to feel comfortable and safe in your own home.

And your children deserve to feel stable and secure.

Stayingsunnygirl · 06/04/2009 21:57

Will be back here later - hugs for now!

And thanks for the link, Oliviamumsnet.

starsnstripes · 06/04/2009 22:02

Have just bought my laptop upstairs as H has been downstairs all night so could'nt post.

He has not said much at all.
Apart from he lost track of time yesterday and did'nt mean to be out so long.
Also that he was thinking of taking off thurs this week to have a long break over easter.

Why do I feel so guilty all of a sudden?

Of course the acid test will be to see how the rest of the week pans out.

I seem to be on edge most of the time.

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 06/04/2009 22:16

Stars you feel guilty because he has conditioned you to feel grateful for any scraps of normality that he decides to throw your way. You are so used to being treated so badly by him that him making a very slight effort for one night has you doubting yourself and feeling as though you should overlook weeks and months of emotional abuse.
It will not last, he will revert to his usual behaviour. And you will be on edge until he does because you know it's coming.

Please get yourself out of there.

Cazzaben · 06/04/2009 22:17

Normal to feel guilty thats how he's made you feel over the years it all comes down to the bubble he's created around you both...

You feel like your betraying him. So of course you will feel guilty... These are all normal feelings to have in your situation

xxxxx

Cazzaben · 06/04/2009 22:21

Oh should have added... It won't always make you feel guilty coz when your gone you'll look back and realise that you should never feel guilty for doing the right thing... xx

Hope im making sense?!?! x

Slambang · 06/04/2009 22:23

Frankly, does it really matter if your dh is sometimes nice to you? The point is he has hurt you massively again and again in spite of his nice side. Surely what matters most is how you feel day in day out and how his unpredictable behaviour affects the dcs.

I'm sure even the nastiest sods in the history of abusive men all have days when they put on the nice act. Even they are human and I'm sure they want to be good people and put in an effort every now and then.

Stars - the point is there will never be an all or nothing type answer. Your dh will never be all bad. He will continue to have the good sides that you fell in love with in the first place but maybe it's time for you to accept that is the odd occasional flashes of the good side are not enough for you. In fact the unpredictablenss of never quite knowing if the good or bad (sober or drunk?) dh will be the one who comes home is the very reason why you need to get out. For your own sake.

LobstersLass · 06/04/2009 22:25

I've got no idea why you feel guilty.

Does he make you feel loved?
Does he make you laugh?
Does he show you affection?
Does he make you feel special?
Does he make plans for the future with you?
Does he make you feel good about yourself?
Does he make you feel safe?

I suspect not. So frankly I've no idea why you would feel guilty about leaving him.

I think it's because he's knocked your self confidence so much that you feel relieved when he's behaving normally.

That's no way to love stars. God I wish I could come over and give you a big hug.

mistlethrush · 06/04/2009 22:25

This sounds like part of his way of keeping you where he wants you - just throwing in a bit of 'normality' to make you feel as though things might have changed and make you feel guilty of even thinking about moving on. And it speaks volumes that you're on edge even though he 'is being nice'

LobstersLass · 06/04/2009 22:26

No way to live even.

clam · 07/04/2009 00:06

Assess your marriage on a scale of 10 down to 1. When you first got together it was, presumably, 10/10. Then, gradually slipped to 9 parts good, 1 part bad. Then 8:2...... 7:3 and so on. What's the score now?
And how bad does it have to get before you bail out. And this isn't of your doing. It's down to his drinking.
Perhaps one day you'll get a chance to ask him why on earth he thinks you would want to continue living with someone who behaves as he does towards you and his children.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 07/04/2009 00:24

Stars - hope the evening stayed peaceful for you. Maybe we can talk tomorrow? If I don't pickup, you can always text and I can call you back. Should be stopping at home tomorrow though so I'll make sure the phone ringer's set to loud

Sweet dreams

Buda · 07/04/2009 06:17

Morning. Glad he was OK yesterday. Maybe you not making any fuss of his birthday made him think about how shitty he has been.

I think you feel guilty because when he is being OK it is hard to justify to yourself that it is right to up and leave and take the children. Of course you feel guilty. But at the same time you are on tenterhooks because you know deep down he will drink again and be nasty again. You know that. Part of you hopes he miraculously won't but you know that he will.

Hope today is ok.

starsnstripes · 07/04/2009 08:07

Morning everyone.
Thanks for keeping me going with all your support.
Can't quite believe the amount of posts I have recieved.

Am feeling slightly apprehensive today.
Am thinking tonight he will ethier have realised after me making no fuss for his birthday that I have come to the end of the road with it all and come home and make an effort OR will have had time to think aout it and be pissed off.

Lobsterslass-no to ALL those questions.

Clam-am not sure even at the beginning of the relationship it was ever a 10 out of a 10.
Now a 1 if not less.

amidaiwish · 07/04/2009 08:09

morning stars
glad everything is calm at the moment.

starsnstripes · 07/04/2009 08:12

amidaiwish-it is rather eerie when everything is so calm.
I should be gratful and happy but experience has told me it does'nt last.
I only set myself up for a fall.

MuppetsMuggle · 07/04/2009 08:41

Morning Stars

Glad your evening was peaceful.

I don't think you should feel guilty, its just one of his ways to confuse to make you think your guilty of whatever the crime is.

Go with the experience that the calm doesn't last chick.

How are the kids?

LobstersLass · 07/04/2009 08:43

Morning stars, glad to here that there were no dramatics for you to deal with last night.

If the answer is no to all of the questions then I really don't think you should feel any guilt about planning to leave.

You wrote this morning that you should be grateful and happy that everything is calm. I disagree. It should be like that all the time, it's not something that you should feel grateful for.

He doesn't deserve you, and you certainly don't deserve the shit you're getting from him. You don't owe him anything.

Stay strong. I hope today is a good day for you.

mistlethrush · 07/04/2009 08:47

Stars - do you want him to take time off to spend with you and the children - or even, are you looking forward to the long weekend - or does it fill you with dread, will it just be an excuse for him to get drunk again?

If its negative, is there any way you can summon up the courage and leave before then? I know WA said that they had no space locally for you - but I'm sure that they could find space somewhere for you - wouldn't that be better? No eggshells - but you could perhaps have chocolate eggs with your children on Easter Day, go out to a park together for a picnic etc etc without worry about what's going to happen later. Is less than 1/10 worth staying any longer for?

Of course you've got lots of posts. People have picked up on two things - firstly how badly he is treating you (and has treated you for years) and secondly that there is resolve in what you are writing. We know that you will leave and the support that you are getting through MN is helping you summon up the courage, its just a question of when. We're all hoping that its not going to be too late when he has done something that physically harms you or your children - or when he does something that will mean that his children will never forgive him.

Its a big step that you're going to make. We'll be there, however we can, to support you when you're ready.

PMSLBrokeMN · 07/04/2009 09:12

Morning Stars, good to hear from you again! Is it time to form the Cellulite Specials cheerleading squad again? Grab your pom-poms, gimme an S...!

singalongamumum · 07/04/2009 09:13

Morning stars.

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