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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home? (continued)

1000 replies

chickenmama · 06/04/2009 17:40

Starting a new thread for starsnstripes as the old one got to 1000 posts.

Hope everyone finds this ok

And hope you're doing ok stars x

OP posts:
girlandboyWantsMoreEasterEggs · 08/04/2009 16:51

Hope you're having a good day out!

CKelpie · 08/04/2009 18:12

I hope your comment about his drinking made him think a little. He must have an inkling the problem is his even if he is projecting it all onto you.

With the beans on toast comment, I would have wanted to slam the oven door on his head a few times. Arse.

LobstersLass · 08/04/2009 18:18

Hey stars, I've been thinking of you all day.
Hope you've had a lovely day with your niece.

xx

CaptainDJ · 08/04/2009 18:27

Hi Stars and all the other posters on the thread. I have only just come back to this after seeing OP the other day about the bread and milk. I read it to my husband and he said what an a**e! I have not had chance to read every post yet, but was shocked to read all the other stuff that's been happening to you. I am glad you are finding some resolve to leave and wish you luck.

I thought that maybe all of us who are posting or watching (there will be many just watching) could do something to help and show support by donating to Women's Aid to help other people like Stars trying to escape abusive partners?

muffinmonster · 08/04/2009 18:54

Brilliant idea, DJ.

starsnstripes · 08/04/2009 18:55

Sorry everyone,been busy all day today.
Just nipped on to say thanks for all your messages.Will be back on later when the children are in bed.

H rang about 6.30 to tell me he had booked 6 days off starting tomorrow for the easter hols.
He said if you like I can take the children out so you can have a rest and some time to your self.
Then he said don't get upset but am in the pub and have booked a taxi for 9.45pm as am going to watch the football and will get some dinner here.

It was all sweetheart is that ok?

Well seeing as he had already booked the taxi he had decided anyway.

groggymama · 08/04/2009 18:55

I'll donate too! Good idea.

PMSLBrokeMN · 08/04/2009 19:21

He's taking the children out without you? You don't suppose... for some reason alarm bells are ringing for me, am I the only one?

theDreadPirateRabbits · 08/04/2009 19:30

Hey Stars! Was just about to mail you to check you're OK.

It reads to me like a man who's realised he's losing control, especially after you called his bluff yesterday. As long as you've got the passports well hidden, enjoy the day(s) off, and use the time to get more stuff sorted

You're right - he's not asking you if it's OK to stay out drinking, he's telling you. He's just being a bit more pleasant about it than normal. Probably because he's got a vague feeling that he's been overstepping the mark recently. But isn't it too little to late? If he's not ready to address his drinking and abuse properly?

Stay strong honey. And enjoy the reprieve this is giving you {smile]

I shan't be around again tonight, but am on the phone tomorrow if you need to vent about anything, or just chat. Enjoy your evening

Poppity · 08/04/2009 19:41

I definitely paid for it when I stood up to my ex. It went from being physical only when he had been drinking, to whenever he got cross. He was also much more threatening in his behavior, then wheedling in between. This I think was him trying to get me to say I had some guilt in whatever the latest argument had been. He also wanted sympathy I think. Yours sounds like such a bully, so I would second the playing it down idea.
It's funny writing about it here, I've not really talked about it clearly to anyone but my DH. It makes me realise how even now I feel that there are so many women who have suffered what I would call real abuse that I feel like a fraud, like I'm hamming it up, to say that's what it was. I know that isn't true, and I hope from all the lovely ladies posting on here that you do too? What he is doing is wrong, and you are not at fault. I did persuade my ex to attend relate with me, they told us after the first session that nothing could be done to improve our relationship until he got help. It gave him a jolt, and he did visit the GP, but after a while he managed to convince himself that the counselor only thought that because of what I had said! I think that people like that feel the world owe them a favour, and aren't going to change whatever you do.
A rambling post as usual, sorry
Hope you are doing ok, and I guess my point is, his behavior is abuse. There can be no getting around that.

Katisha · 08/04/2009 19:49

Hi - do have a look at the cycle of abuse thing from my earlier post. It says :

"Abuse is rarely constant but alternates between: tension building, acting out (this means actually doing the abusive behaviour) , the honeymoon or reconciliation period and calm."

Here it is again. You may well be in the temporary reconciliation period where he tries to make it all better. But it's pretty likely the tension will build again, as you know from all your years of this.

purplesponge · 08/04/2009 20:25

Oh Stars, your H's sudden change in behaviour must be very un-nerving. The fact is though that he still went to the pub after work, and is planning to stay there until 9.45. It will be interesting to see how wasted he is when he arrives home, and whether the nicey nicey act will hold up under the infuence!

BalloonSlayer · 08/04/2009 20:32

Remove the children's passports, please, Stars.

Hopefully needlessly.

mumonthenet · 08/04/2009 20:45

He's only trying to gain some more control of you by making you grateful to him.

Keep your cool, enjoy a bit of rest, and don't let him suspect anything.

starsnstripes · 08/04/2009 21:02

Hi everyone.
I don't think he has plans to take the children.
I think hos ploy was to tell me he had time off and I could have a rest then to soften the blow tell me he was staying out to watch the football.
I knew by his voice he had already had a few drinks with the use of the word "sweetie".

Had a nice day today.
Took the children shopping and spoilt the a bit then my niece and her children came round and we had a nice chat.

I plan to be in my bedroom when H gets in although will be looking out of the window to see what state he is in as from past experirence he usually can't get his key in the lock.
As for him taking the children out tomorrow have just thought that is a no no as he will still probably have alcohol in his system and be hungover.

dreadpirate ,may be difficult tomorrow if he is around but can e mail you.

poppity-that's it ,he does feel that the world owes him a favour,that's exactly it.

photo idea I had thought of but wondered how I would store it without him seeing it.

Have looked again at the cycle of abuse and yes a lot of that rings true for me.

Am dreading the next few days to be honest.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to put on a act.

starsnstripes · 08/04/2009 21:03

Sorry,my typing of that was all over the place.

GypsyMoth · 08/04/2009 21:18

Hi stars.......not posted for a while. See you're still stuck In Same place. Had wished you'd be gone before the Easter break, though saying that, it was directly after a miserable Easter that I actually left my ex! It will be a difficult few days ahead for you I guess. Get through it best way you can. And keep looking ahead.

As for passports.......would he go looking for them?

theDreadPirateRabbits · 08/04/2009 21:30

stars - said i wouldn't be here, but seems i'm addicted to knowing that you,re still ok... Slipped out of gig to read your post...
Glad you had a good day today. Just keep being careful, and keep your phone by you just in case. If it gets too much just get the kids on a train - i'll meet you at the station, and h won't even know where to start looking...

Cazzaben · 08/04/2009 21:42

Dreadpirate... I've been looking on here for a while and can say that you are obviously an angel sent by God!! Stars must feel so much better knowing your there!! May God continue to give you strength and wisdom... I'm praying for you too...

Stars hope your ok this evening... I can see than H is coming home soon and just wanted to send my love and let you know im still thinking of you as everyone else is...

xxxx

NotPlayingAnyMore · 08/04/2009 22:32

PMSLBrokeMN - no, it's not just you. Alarm bells are ringing for me too.

Stars - you may not think he's going to take the DCs but there's no harm in playing it safe...
6 days off - does that make it tomorrow, all of next week and the first day of the summer term? Sounds unbearable

starsnstripes · 08/04/2009 22:35

Don't think he would look for passports although he usually keeps them in a certain place.

dreadpirate has been amazing.
Can't quite believe total strangers are offering so much help and support.
I hope one day it will be me being as kind and supportive on mumsnet to someone else with the same issues and be able to tell them my success story as someone who has been through it and come out the other side.

Heard someone at the door and lo and behold was H trying to get his keys in the door.
He staggered in and stumbled into me by accident.
He reckons he went out tonight as it the start of his 6 days of holiday and was nice to go out drinking knowing you don't have to go to work tomorrow.
He said I would'nt understand that as have not worked for a few years since having the children.
He thinks this 6 days will be an ideal oppurtunity to get a plan together to sort our relationship out.
I told him it would take more than 6 days and did he plan on stopping drinking in that time.
He said it's not about him it's about me as I am not normal at the moment and he did'nt want to discuss it tonight but another time.

He then brought up what I have been deading about sleeping in the same bed as him again.
I just ignored his comment,did'nt know what to say.
He has just gone up to bed so can relax now.

starsnstripes · 08/04/2009 22:37

xs posts-notplaying-No thankfully it's tomorrow through to next weds.

GypsyMoth · 08/04/2009 22:43

Stars.......I translate that as he has taken six days off to sort YOU out! Not him, you. He's obviously going to bully you back into the bedroom. How will you cope with that? As well as the rest of it.

It's getting seriously worrying now. Seriously. But we can't make you budge, so all we can do is listen I guess. I recognize this from my own ex, the sexual abuse will now start, and this so,so easily leads to physical violence.

dittany · 08/04/2009 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starsnstripes · 08/04/2009 22:52

I don't think he would ever force me apart from anything else he kept bumping into things tonight so just fit to crash out which he has done.

There would be no problem going to my sisters if I needed to if a bad situation arose.

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