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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DD1 class be told all about Afghanistan when she's 5?

185 replies

MrsPurple · 31/03/2009 21:24

I don't think I'm over reacting and am looking for reassurance. My DD1 (year 1), came home from school yesterday telling all about fighting and the war in Afghanistan.

I had many difficult questions off her.

It turns out a classmates uncle came in to talk to class about his job etc.

No letter was sent out re asking parents to come and talk about jobs and no letter that it was going to happen, because I would have wanted her excluded from this.

I know children need to know re some stuff but when she's older, at the moment it's my discretion.

The man told them all about fighting and war and guns.

I had a problem re a teaching game used a few weeks back called shoot out that the teacher used (I asked for help on here re that). The teacher ressured me they wouldn't use it again.

I now fell that my worries weren't listened to and want to email the Head, who I know quite well. AIBU?

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 12:23

shambolic...people probably automatically thought about age-appropriateness without mentioning it, though...

Northernlurker · 01/04/2009 12:23

Sorry but this issue really annoys me. Why do parents assume they have a right to conceal from children the realities of their world on the basis that they are too young? How do you determine what age is 'suitable'?
I think this application of 'parental discretion' is a massive cop out - it's an excuse people use when they don't know how to explain issues.

Our children don't only belong to us. We are raising the citizens of the future and if we allow them to live their formative years disengaged from their surroundings then we are doing neither them nor the society of the future any favours. Far better they absorb things little and often than know nothing and have to absorb things in an emergency situation. Gradually increasing your understanding of the darker side of life is not traumatic. Facing up to it because you have to - with no preparation - is.

Op - your dd has lots of questions - because this is presumably the first time she had heard a lot of these issues discussed. YABU to be angry with the school, you should in fact be thanking them for doing part of YOUR job as a parent that you appear to have been unable to do.

OrmIrian · 01/04/2009 12:25

Agree with RSB.

Shambolic · 01/04/2009 12:28

I also wonder if some people are thinking of the age-group of their own DC rather than 5, which is really really small... What they can assimilate and understand changes pretty quickly as they grow.

The people who have said that everything should be told sparing no detail may have DC that little bit older.

But I feel that if people are going to come onto a thread and call other people precious for not telling their DC "the truth", the inclusion of the phrase "age appropriate" is pretty essential. And if they haven't said they mean age appropriate, then I have to take their comments at face value...

FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 12:31

well, shambolic, I have a 4 (near 5) year old a 6 1/ year old and a 12 (soonish 13) year old....

hobbgoblin · 01/04/2009 12:33

Disagreed with you on the other thread but am wondering what is it with your DD's school and guns?!!

Send them a copy of Bowling for Columbine!

Look at it another way - she could develop a strong preventionist stance from all this gun talk age 5, you never know. There's nothing to say that hearing about war and guns and being 'shot' by the teacher in class for getting a wrong answer is going to make her pro guns and warfare.

Shambolic · 01/04/2009 12:35

And you have sat down and told them "the truth" about everything? Sparing no detail? Not because they ask, or have any idea about it, but just because they should know?

Shambolic · 01/04/2009 12:35

That's the 4 yo fairlady rather than the 12 yo.

FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 12:37

well...I was one of those that mentioned age-appropriately, and therefore, no I didn't tell them things in every little detail...why would I? But ys was nearly 3 when dh was deployed to afghanistan and we talked about it to some extent, yes...
not sure where you get the sparing no detail from, tbh....

wannaBe · 01/04/2009 12:38

but surely that you would do it in an age appropriate manner is just common sense and shouldn't have to be said?

War is a reality regardless of whether someone at school has lost a family member. We have a RAF base not far from here, children will see soldiers, what are we supposed to tell them soldiers do if we're shielding them from the reality?

And we also have rememberence sunday every year, what should we tell our children about that if not the truth?

RockinSockBunnies · 01/04/2009 12:39

Clearly information needs to be disseminated in an age-appropriate fashion, since a 5 year old is obviously not going to have the same grasp of certain vocabulary as a 10 or 11 year old.

But I think a lot of people fail to give children credit for their ability to understand quite complex issues and process that information accordingly.

It's obviously not necessary to sit a child down and, a propos of nothing, regale them with tales of death and destruction. But a lot of controversial issues come up on a daily basis, at home, at schoo, via the news etc and I want to be able to freely discuss these things with DD. I have no problem with the school introducing issues to her - it's just not possible to control all information that you children can access, unless you isolate them from society.

FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 12:39

I dobt this soldier told teh Kids the whole truth, tbh...man, my dh hasn't even told me the whole truth...

FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 12:39

I dobt this soldier told teh Kids the whole truth, tbh...man, my dh hasn't even told me the whole truth...

hobbgoblin · 01/04/2009 12:43

If they don't know about it then they are not given the info needed to form an opinion - for or AGAINST. People need to have opinion on such matters and ignorance is already our (society's) downfall in many cases.

Shambolic · 01/04/2009 12:44

When having a conversation like this on the internet it is usual to say what you actually mean rather than leaving others to infer/assume. And there have been posters who have certainly put across their view that children should not be sheltered at all.

To tell the truth about war, the whole truth, means discussing utterly horrific things that I would think were too much for a small child to assimilate. And a lot of things are a reality which I would not want to have to tell a 5yo about. Gang rape for instance.

However, if everyone is really only talking about age appropriate information then that is different.

Of course different people will also argue about what is age appropriate.

wannaBe · 01/04/2009 12:46

quite, fairlady.

We see a lot of army planes going over and ds has asked why. I've said that it could be troops going to/from Iraq/Afghanistan. He wanted to know why. So I told him.

I wouldn't have any issue with a soldier coming into his class to talk about being a soldier. or a doctor, or a policeman (bil is a police officer and obv one sees policecars on the street too).

And sometimes I think that children can be told that life isn't nice for everyone, in order to gain a sense of how lucky they are to be living where they are/in the way they are.

FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 12:51

hm...think I mihgt have missed posts inferring that we should tell Kids as young as 5 about gang rape ....saying that, I was still very young (not sure how young) when my nan told me silesians women (whilst fleeing what is now Poland towads Germany) being nailed on tables by russian soldiers and being raped by many....
it probably wasn't age-approriate at the time, but did help me understand her better....i.e. when she ranted on about russian and polish people, etc...it didn't stop me challenge her views and has not influenced my own...but it did make me aware of her issues...

hobbgoblin · 01/04/2009 12:51

Good point about DC seeing police officers - especially as they will probably see armed police from time to time. If you go with the idea that that is unavoidable and requires explanation I don't really see that one can be cross that children are 'exposed' to seeing and hearing about a real life soldier.

FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 12:52

oh, am not suggesting , btw...that we should be telling our children that kinda thing....it's just this conversation reminded me of this...iykwim

Shambolic · 01/04/2009 13:02

Oh god fairlady that's awful. If things are pertinent to your family though then IMO it's perfectly understandable to talk about them - it would be odd not to. It is part of the shared history of your family and the stories about what happened to people - good and bad - need to be passed down the generations.

Different to telling a whole load of little tinies something totally random and really distressing.

What happened to the OP, it's hard to say whether she is reasonable or not, as I don't know what the soldier said. Assuming that it was age appropriate, I don't see why anyone would disagree with the visit. Rereading the thread there were definitely posts which were talking about telling the whole truth, irrespective of age appropriateness. Maybe they were badly worded.

FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 13:05

possibly shambolic...but like I said, I doubt this soldier told the Kids inapproriate stuff...but of course I do NOT know that...but OP seems to be upset by the mere audacity of the school to have a soldier there...iykwim

Shambolic · 01/04/2009 13:07

Yet another thread where positions have been polarised based on assumptions about what someone may or may not have said! And of course no-one shares their assumptions with each other...

Certainly makes for lively debate...!

FairLadyRantALot · 01/04/2009 13:12

very true
thing is, even OP, I think, didn't really know what was said...

madwomanintheattic · 01/04/2009 13:26

my impression was, the OP didn't understand that it was probably part of an ordinary 'jobs people do' initiative (usually 'people that help us' at that age), rather than a briefing on war...

intrigued by the other thread though. may have to hunt it out...

Shambolic · 01/04/2009 13:31

OP should staple vidoe recorder to DC on visiting parents days so that she can be in full possession of facts. And pass them on to us via youtube upload