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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for money as wedding gift (cringe)

315 replies

CrackopentheBaileys · 26/03/2009 19:29

It doesn't feel right to do it. So I'm not sure if we should. I guess I'm asking for a general consensus. There is another thread going at the moment about wedding gifts, but I didn't want to hijack!

Bit of background, dh (to be, I know) and I have been together for 10 years this year. We have two children, the little bastards

Anyhoo, we have lived together forever, and pretty much have all the 'stuff' we need. The only big things we would need would be new kitchen and bathroom (blatantly not going to happen!)

We both have large families, and there will be 200+ at the reception, that makes for one BIG bbq... very casual wedding

So we were thinking of putting a little poem/note in with the invites, saying that we do not expect presents, we are happy for them to just enjoy our day with us (true, btw). But knowing our families, they won't be happy with that, so we will add that any monetary gifts will be gratefuly recieved and will help towards our honeymoon.

Cringe and die? Or socially acceptable?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/03/2009 11:51

It doesn't feel right because it isn't.

NO, NO, NO.

No presents means no presents and if they want to give then list a charity, not 'pay for our honeymoon.'

ChippingIn · 27/03/2009 11:52

Crack... hope you have a lovely day When is it?

I like the idea of the Honeymoon site where you can choose what to buy, it's more fun than just putting money/voucher in a card.

I'm not offended at being asked for money, but enjoy choosing something from a list best off all because it's something you know they want, yet you get to choose something you'd like to give win/win or a donation to something in particular ... kayak/kitchen/dining table etc

mrsjammi · 27/03/2009 11:53

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thesundaymarket · 27/03/2009 11:54

How do I tap thee
let me list the ways
I ask you for john lewis household stuff
(for my second home, this place has quite enough)
Or I'll make a list of posh designer things
(WE couldnt eat from mismatched stuff that mings)
Brandy glasses, champagne flutes my dear
(We're not like you, still drinking cans of beer)
But perhaps I need a rest from all this stress
A five star spa will do the job, I guess.
Yes, howsabout you just pay up in cash
What, a discount? Are you trying to steal my stash?

mrsjammi · 27/03/2009 11:59

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mrsjammi · 27/03/2009 12:00

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alicecrail · 27/03/2009 12:04

My cousin is getting married (tomorrow!) and they have asked for money. I generally think it's quite bad form but for them it makes the most sense. He is in the army, and they are moving in together after the wedding but will be living in germany, so gifts are not practical and neither are vouchers. However views are changing as it is becoming more popular. We asked for vouchers for ours but lots of guests gave us money/cheques

alicecrail · 27/03/2009 12:07

I meant to add that i think people would be more prepared to give money if they knew it was for something specific

Wizzska · 27/03/2009 12:15

We said we didn't want any gifts because we'd been living together for years and stated that guests taking time and money to travel to our wedding was enough. But we also put the proviso that should they still want to buy us something then a John Lewis token would do. It is a really difficult issue because we really didn't want any gifts so didn't want a wedding list. But we also knew that various aunts would buy us gifts anyway, like vases and things that we didn't want if we didn't put the gift token thing on.

We had a bbq too, sounds like our wedding ideas are very similar. Ours turned out to be a great day and people didn't seem offended by the voucher thing.

Nabster · 27/03/2009 19:11

I just read someone about receiving a wedding invite saying No Boxed Gifts. Apparently it is going to catch on and means money or vouchers wanted.

DH and I had so much fun coming home from honeymoon and finding that my PILs had brought the gifts from the wedding and put them in the lounge for us. So much fun opening presents than counting up moneu and vouchers.

theherbgarden · 27/03/2009 19:28

We had an invite with a little poem asking for vouchers - the couple had been together a good few years. We didnt mind. Think money is vulgar tho. sorry.

SalBySea · 27/03/2009 19:33

to be honest I dont think you need to ask as these days most people will give you cheques/cash/vouchers anyway without being asked.

If you do, I hate those flippin poems, prefer when couples just put in a straight forward line saying what they are saving towards

if you do go for the poem, please please dont use a line I have seen recently - "to save you the shopping trip" - PATRONISING!!!! and AS IF that's why you want the cash anyway, cause you're worried about ME, PLUS I love shopping. Please dont do it, just be honest!

tigermoth · 27/03/2009 19:39

I think it's easier to say 'no' to money or voucher gifts as a wedding gift option if you are relatively comfortably off or have generous parents or close family who will bail out you and your fiance/husband in an emergency.

For couples who are struggling financially and do not expect to be in the line for any sort of windfall or bail out in the next decade or two, then directing wedding guests into choosing something sensible is IMO a practical and wise choice.

I am sure some of the people on the thread who are very against money as an option are not that comfortably off. I realise the views are not clear cut.

But for people on a budget (like me) gift vouchers as gifts are a godsend and whimsical vases (for instance) are most definitely not.

SalBySea · 27/03/2009 19:44

???? tigermoth a wedding (as opposed to what legally constitutes a marraige) is a luxury not an "emergency" ????

elsiepiddock · 27/03/2009 19:51

We had one of those little ditties in an invitation and I have to say it made me cringe. The couple in question were getting married for the 2nd time and had lived together for years.

I think it's totally inappropriate to ask for money.

Ask for donation to charity if they really want to give something.

One of my mummy friends from dcs school is getting married in August, they have asked for donations to our new playgroup building fund.

elsiepiddock · 27/03/2009 19:51

We had one of those little ditties in an invitation and I have to say it made me cringe. The couple in question were getting married for the 2nd time and had lived together for years.

I think it's totally inappropriate to ask for money.

Ask for donation to charity if they really want to give something.

One of my mummy friends from dcs school is getting married in August, they have asked for donations to our new playgroup building fund.

tigermoth · 27/03/2009 19:53

I didn't mean the wedding was an 'emergency' I was looking at the broader picture and thinking of couples who are struggling financially and have no background support.

A wedding costs money, even a small one. It's lovely to get people together to celebrate your special day, but it may be one of the only times that a couple can reasonably hope to get a gift from at least some of their invited guests. So it makes sense to channel that gift giving towards something that's going to be genuinely useful to them. As a guest tbh I'd want to buy something that is really useful and valued if I knew the bride and groom were not well off.

Sheeta · 27/03/2009 20:25

I don't see the problem with it. We recently went to a wedding, the couple had been together for years, had everything they needed and put a very polite note in the invitation saying just that, but if people wanted to give a gift, then a contribution towards activities on their honeymoon would be greatly appreciated. I was delighted to give them some money... they are good friends and would rather they had money to spend on their honeymoon than a useless gift that don't need.

Sheeta · 27/03/2009 20:31

oh, and if and when DP and I get married, I think we'll be doing a similar thing, funds towards the honeymoon... simply because we wouldn't get one otherwise!

Sorry, but really don't think there's anything wrong with it, and I'm sure anybody we invite will feel the same way (better than buying a ton of crap that nobody needs anyway!!)

SalBySea · 27/03/2009 20:36

"better than buying a ton of crap that nobody needs anyway!!"

but you wouldnt get a ton of crap! Most people will give money anyway (and maybe a token gift wrapped as well, but most people these days give money or vouchers)

So why ask for it if you're gonna get it anyway and its the asking part that clearly offends some people

Sheeta · 27/03/2009 20:44

didn't realise that we would get it anyway, and had never occured to me that it would offend. I saw the invitation to my friends wedding and though 'what a good idea'

-shrug-

we're all different I suppose

Grendle · 27/03/2009 20:49

I guess only you know your family and friends.

For me, asking for money would seem incredibly rude. Perdonally, I also find it a little, um, not sure what the word is, but somehow not quite right when people ask for money towards their honeymoon. I guess it ties in with my views on marriage and I see giving a wedding gift as something that will last and help them set up their lives together. This can work well even if both are divorcees -one couple we know asked for garden centre vouchers, and that was fine as we knew we were contributing to their new home together . I also have no probs with people naming a charity.

When friends did ask for money towards their honeymoon, we did give, but it left a funny taste, as a holiday's a one-off thing. In the end we shrugged and thought, well they're into travel and if we want to go to the do then so be it.

Martha200 · 27/03/2009 21:06

I once went to a wedding where it was asked that either guests give M&S vouchers OR money towards the pot for buying a house!

In my opinion it meant the same thing at the end of the day because I am assuming they ate well at M&S, and put the food savings into the house fund?

MerryMarigold · 27/03/2009 21:09

I'd leave it to word of mouth. Families can talk! Just tell a few strategic people you'd rather have money.

thell · 28/03/2009 01:09

We said that of course we were just happy people were coming to share our day, but if they wanted to help us set up our home they could contribute to a savings account for when we had moved out of our tiny flat! 10% would go to Cancer Research (we both had family members who had had cancer.) We knew if we didn't make the point that we physically did not have room, people would give us things we'd end up falling over.
Those who wanted to get us personal things were good at making sure they chose stuff that wasn't bulky and difficult to store. Everyone seemed happy.

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