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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being pissed off at dh that he........

155 replies

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 10:42

has decided to use his entire inheritance on his hobby??
I really don't know whether I am being a cow or not. The short story is....we're not very affluent, but get by.....we are moving in a few weeks nearer my parents so that I can go back to work part-time. His mother passed away in dec, anyway after much speculation the ammount he was going to get from his mothers estate is only going to be in the region of £1500. We don't have this money yet, but he has already put a deposit on an item for his hobby....which will cost £800 in total, and I saw an email this morning with him discussing buying another item for his hobby, £900 ono. I haven't confronted him about it as I just don't know whether I have the right to feel pissed off as it is his mothers money....equally it would have been nice to buy something for the kids.....as always with kids there is lots they need......what would you do?? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 26/03/2009 14:56

I am so, so, sorry about your Mother myredcardigan. I can see why you would be so angry.

Poledra · 26/03/2009 14:57

Pudding, come over to the postnatal thread, and talk to us there.

100yearsofsolitude · 26/03/2009 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulumama · 26/03/2009 14:58

just seen he has a seperate account, that you don;t know how much is in it and he lies about it!!

this kind of behaviour would be a deal breaker for me, it is about trust and about providing for your family, and he is happy to leave you begging your family for money whilst he squirels away a nest egg for a hobby

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 15:00

As I stated earlier, it has mademe alittle bitter.
Pudding, I am in no way being bitchy to you. I am pitying you which I actually think is worse.

Curiousmama · 26/03/2009 15:03

YANBU you're a couple, a family you should discuss such a big amount before it's spent. He's being greedy IMO but feel bad that his mum died.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 15:03

Firstly, she is knowingly allowing her husband to break the law and put innocent people in danger.

Secondly, I did not say she was pathetic. I agreed with SGB that the OP's situation was pathetic.

And no, she didn't kill my mother but a man just like her husband did.

She needs to wake up and smell the coffee and he needs to be reported to the police and kicked out on his arse.

100yearsofsolitude · 26/03/2009 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macdoodle · 26/03/2009 15:15

Enough Leave the OP alone nasty horrible bullying just stop it !!!
MRC am terribly terribly sorry about your mother but blaming anyone but the man who did it is not right, not even the W of the man who did it and certainly not the OP!
I am not saying it is but if this an emotionally abusive realtionship, trust me just standing up and saying soemthing will not make it happen!
I am a strong independant woman and it has taken me a long time to get away from a man like this and even now I find it incredibly hard to stand up to him!
OP I hope you are ok

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 15:18

My dh has his faults as you all know, but he would never, ever drink and drive. I'm very sorry that your mother had to pay with her life for someone elses stupid and horrendous actions, but this is a seperate situation.
I would take his car to get some new tyres on, but I would have to take the dc's with me, and I would under no circumstances let them be in the car. So a bit of a catch 22. I don't have anyone nearby who can look after dc while I sort this until I move.
I will sort the car out. please remember that my original post was asking for advice on my h spending habits, not his stupidity with regards to the car tyres.

OP posts:

100yearsofsolitude · 26/03/2009 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 15:23

because if that was the case then he would go and get them fixed himself.....I would have to do it without asking his permission, spending his inheritance money.

OP posts:

Kimi · 26/03/2009 15:26

Pudding you really need to get a grip on this car thing, your DH could kill himself or some innocent person, a grown man playing with toy helicopters is sad.

If you are having to borrow money off of others and your DH wants to spend the money from his mother on toys then he is a sad selfish little man.

It is not his money it is family money and your family need to pay off it debts and fix that car, I am sorry but if it were my other half driving about in a death trap I WOULD REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE MYSELF.

Please tell him he has to fix the car with that money or you WILL report him.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 15:30

Ok, ok!
The anger was directed at him, not you. But please be clear that knowingly driving a dangerous car is no different to drink diving. Just that in one case the reactions of the driver are impaired and in the other the reactions of the car. How will you feel if he kills someone and you know you could have prevented it.

Anyway, no catch 22 as far as I can see. If you call the police, I'm sure they will happily toe the car for you.

If he is telling you you are to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life then you are indeed in an abusive relationship. Stop freeting about the helicopers and have a sliding doors moment looking forward 5yrs. Would you not rather be happy,confident and secure that still putting up with this shit?

It sounds as though your parents are supportive so you wouldn't be on your own. He has clearly damaged you. I'm sure you do not want him to do the same to your children.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 15:32

Read Kimi's post. I wouldn't want you to dismiss the seriousness of the car situation just because you see me as some grieving ranting loon.

ithinkimtallandblonde · 26/03/2009 15:42

Poor Pudding, she's her dh's wife not his keeper.If she was in a strong place then she would obviously do something but she's not, thats why she's looking for advice. Leave her alone.

Pudding I hope your ok. I don't think any of this is helping now. You got the answer you were looking for, you are not wrong, that will give you some stregnth to deal with it.

Last time i checked marriages were about working things out not running at the first sign of trouble, thats to everyone who suggested you leave, not to you pudding. I bet he is a good man in other ways otherwise you wouldn't have married him.

How about you talk to him tell him how shocked and upset you are then spend some of the money on marriage councelling. It might help him see things from your point of view.
If there is other problems and this is just a symptom then by all means start thinking about ways to leave. I would start by discussing it with your parents so as your not alone. If your embarassed to tell them then thats only because you know what he's doing is wrong. I hope you are strong xx

drlove8 · 26/03/2009 15:43

pudding this is what you do, ....take a reat big knife and slash is tyres to ribbons , so that he has no choice but to buy new ones! ....go pick them up in your car, but dont let him use your car instead of his own!

BalloonSlayer · 26/03/2009 15:53

Pudding, I hope others will correct me if I am wrong but I think that if the roads are dry, bald tyres are safe enough - for a short journey anyway. That's why Grand Prix cars have treadless tyres, and only put "normal" ones on if it rains.

Therefore you should be ok popping your children in the car to go to the tyre place.

drlove8 · 26/03/2009 16:01

ballon, gran prix cars dont have to slow and stop the same way as normal cars do , and i think the speeds they do makes their tyres sticky, so gives better grip on race track. that wouldnt be allowed on roads as the speed limits stop it.im sorry i just wouldnt chance it, the first bit of grit or rain and you'd be skidding all over the place.

drlove8 · 26/03/2009 16:04

you dont actually need the car with you to buy tyres anyway, all you need is the rim size 15" ,16" 17" ect.

LEMAGAIN · 26/03/2009 17:52

oh, i do feel sorry for the OP, i had a go about the car too, but its really not her fault and she does say that she wont let her children in the car. It isn't her fault her DH is a waste of space. I can totally understand why she is scared to leave - she will have six children. I think we should be supporting her really. Time to draw a line under this thread i think.

OP - the inheritence thing sounds like the least of your worries - start a thread in relationships and get some balanced advice. AIBU threads are no holds barred bitch fests - i should know, ive bitched with the best of them.

We, none of us, wish you any ill, get some help to sort this awful man out.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 18:24

lol...six kids!! that would mean potentially having sex another 4 times! I don't think so!

OP posts:

TheJester · 26/03/2009 18:48

OP, you can't MAKE the rest of the World behave exactly as they always should.

If you sub your husband by buying his tyres then he'll just buy another helicopter.

You can't MAKE your husband be a good man or a responsible man. Don't bankrupt yourself trying. Leave him to it.

TheJester · 26/03/2009 18:53

"And yes I should leave, but I am terrified of life on my own with two young dc, dd is only 8months."

That was me 22 months ago, and OH MY GOD I am so happy I left. I've never regretted it for a second. It was an emotional rollrecoaster for the first two months, he didn't take it with a shrug, btu things have got so much easier and my life and the children's lives are easier and happier. He still moans and he's still selfish!!! but it's not my problem anymore.

Some of the obstacles and challenges of normal everyday life seem less daunting now, because there are only practical things in my way now. I can channel all my resources into our lives (mine and childrens). No time is wasted anticipating bad moods, I'm not upset feeling resentful doing everything.... I could go on.

Lulumama · 26/03/2009 18:56

ithinkimtallandblonde.. i absolutely agree that marriages are not about walking at the first sign of trouble. but i don;t think this incident is the first sign of trouble

this man might well have redeeming features, but he is willing to break to law and put his family and others at risk, to fund a hobby

that is serious

the OP has said she has had to borrow moeny for food etc when he puts money aside for his hobby.

that is serious

his redeeming features would have to be pretty much incredible to make that sort of behaviour excusable

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