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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being pissed off at dh that he........

155 replies

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 10:42

has decided to use his entire inheritance on his hobby??
I really don't know whether I am being a cow or not. The short story is....we're not very affluent, but get by.....we are moving in a few weeks nearer my parents so that I can go back to work part-time. His mother passed away in dec, anyway after much speculation the ammount he was going to get from his mothers estate is only going to be in the region of £1500. We don't have this money yet, but he has already put a deposit on an item for his hobby....which will cost £800 in total, and I saw an email this morning with him discussing buying another item for his hobby, £900 ono. I haven't confronted him about it as I just don't know whether I have the right to feel pissed off as it is his mothers money....equally it would have been nice to buy something for the kids.....as always with kids there is lots they need......what would you do?? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 11:02

My mother was killed last summer by a drunk driver driving an uninsured car which was in such dangerous condition that even the police were surprised.

Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 11:04

i'm so sorry myredcardigan...... I keep going on about it to him....I'll have to borrow some money off my dad again and get it sorted....

OP posts:
BoredWithWork · 26/03/2009 11:05

YANBU at all in the slightest, esp when your car is in such a state. If there is no tax then there is no insurance, regardless of whether he has a policy. Take the money and get the car fixed.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 26/03/2009 11:06

So what are you going to tell your Dad? YOU need to borrow money to fix HIS car because he has spent £1500 on toys?
Can't you stand up to him?

Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 11:07

I have my own car, I won't let the dc anywhere near his....

OP posts:
Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 11:08

I'd have to lie....I couldn't tell him that my dh was such an arse......

OP posts:
LEMAGAIN · 26/03/2009 11:08

well i was ready to say that YABU but model helicopters? Thats grounds for divorce on its own!!! I think he is being selfish not making allowance for the children, but i suppose it is his money to do with as he chooses.

drlove8 · 26/03/2009 11:08

id tell him to buy new tyres or id shop im into the police myself...... but then again i am a bitch when it comes to any vehicle that would be used to transport my kids!... as for you only getting £10 a month for yourself...... , what a tosser, my ex-h was like that, its not fair. your providing him the oppertunity to go out to work by doing all the childcare and running the home.

TheJester · 26/03/2009 11:09

If you spend money on the car, he'll expect to use it won't he??

Ask him how many helicopters he'd be able to afford if you divorced him?

Sorry if I'm all steamed up on your behalf, my x used to drive around in a car worth 25k, as well as having two motorbikes. I didn't even have a small old car to go to tescos in, and he wouldn't let me drive his car. Surprised he even let me in it when he was driving tbh.

troutpout · 26/03/2009 11:09

yanbu
I got left a similar amount from an aunt last year.We are fairly comfortable atm but i still asked dh if he would mind if i gave it to my mum (who isn't comfortable at all).
It should be a joint decision

Nabster · 26/03/2009 11:10

YANBU

He is being a prize twat and I would report him when he is out driving in the car.

drlove8 · 26/03/2009 11:11

just a thought, your married? 50% is legally yours..... whats the point of having that wedding ring if you dont use it girl! .

LEMAGAIN · 26/03/2009 11:11

I sincerely hope you don't allow your children in that car? Is there any wonder i have bad anxiety about being in a car with cunts like your DH about. Sorry, for the c word, but couldnt think of anything else

LEMAGAIN · 26/03/2009 11:12

troutpout - thats a lovely thing you did!

LEMAGAIN · 26/03/2009 11:12

dr..love that post gives the feminist in me hives!

TheJester · 26/03/2009 11:13

thepuddingchef, tell the truth to your parents and to his friends etc....

Once you start lying to protect a man, and make him look like a better man than he actually is, it's a long uphill road to nowhere.

It may be embarrassing confessing to your Dad, but your husband may gain a little perspective from knowing that he is being judged. Don't lie to protect his 'meanness' (sorry) it's perpetuate the cycle of his sense of entitlement and his indifference to your sacrafices.

PLEASE tell the truth to your Dad. However embarrassing it is. That embarrassment might serve as a bit of a jolt reality check/moment of clarity to all concerned.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 11:13

Oh it's not your fault, pudding. It's just made me very bitter towards those who drive dangerous cars and drink drivers in particular.

themoon66 · 26/03/2009 11:17

YANBU. I was going going to say you are a little bit, but then I read about the crap car

Have you posted before about these helicopers? Bells are ringing here

drlove8 · 26/03/2009 11:18

lemagain ,why? dont understand?. feminists want rights for women? the contract of marriage is that the women get 50% of whatever the husbands have and vice versa. surely its the feminist way to stand up and demand the womans rights within the marriage, and not be subsrviant to the husband.... after all husband and wife are suposed to be equal!

Nabster · 26/03/2009 11:19

If you know he is driving around in a car that isn't legally fit for the road, then I am afriad I thik you are responsible too. Make him get it fixed.

TheJester · 26/03/2009 11:22

Yes, a decent, generous man wouldn't be comfortable in a partnership where he was indulging his interests and hobbies and his wife was making all the sacrafices.

He spends money on toys and she spends it on essential things. NOT BECAUSE she has no interests or hobbies I'm sure!!

OP, sorry to talk about you as though you weren't here, but what would happen if you spent 800 on a handbag and served beans on sliced white pan for dinner every night for the next year??

HE might not like that. What he's doing is the same.

TheJester · 26/03/2009 11:27

PuddingChef, I'd get your Dad to talk to him. It's not interfereing. YOU#VE tried already and failed by the sounds of it.

If your husband doesn't pay it'll be your Dad's money you'll be using. So it's not as though your Dad has no right to express his opinion.

My Dad has made his feelings clear to my x. Didn't do much mind you but I liked knowing that my x had to weather my Dad's disapproval. My Dad was appalled by his meanness and selfishness and a whole myriad of other bad behaviours which aren't relevant to this thread. But maybe just maybe your father can penetrate his forcefield of righteousness and make him accept that if he is to be a family man, then he can't expect YOU to make all the sacrafices, or for his father-in-law to pay for car repairs on a car to drive your husband's children around.

DandyLioness · 26/03/2009 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ithinkimtallandblonde · 26/03/2009 11:54

YANBU
The money should be for the whole family. The car should get fixed and then maybe something frivelous like a holiday for the whole family if he needs cheering up.
I'm for you.
My Dh has twice inherited money and it has always been used on the whole family.
My dad gave me some money and i used it to take us all on holiday.
I think him keeping approx £250 to spend on himself is ok so long as you get the same.
He's selfish.
Unless there is the possibility that you may come into a much larger sum of money at some point in life in which case stick to his rules and then bugger off to Barbados when you get it

Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 11:59

sorry...just picked up ds from preschool. themoon66- yep your memory serves you right....I did name change sort of last time but outed myself anyway....I only know a couple of mnetters in rl and they're lovely so I don't really care if they know that things are a bit difficult for me.
My dad already has a low opinion of dh......we are about to move into the same village as my parents, I couldn't make things worse between them and its the kids that would suffer.
I have only found the email today, and if I say something he'll know I have been looking at his email....perhaps I'll just focus on getting the car fixed......

OP posts: