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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being pissed off at dh that he........

155 replies

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 10:42

has decided to use his entire inheritance on his hobby??
I really don't know whether I am being a cow or not. The short story is....we're not very affluent, but get by.....we are moving in a few weeks nearer my parents so that I can go back to work part-time. His mother passed away in dec, anyway after much speculation the ammount he was going to get from his mothers estate is only going to be in the region of £1500. We don't have this money yet, but he has already put a deposit on an item for his hobby....which will cost £800 in total, and I saw an email this morning with him discussing buying another item for his hobby, £900 ono. I haven't confronted him about it as I just don't know whether I have the right to feel pissed off as it is his mothers money....equally it would have been nice to buy something for the kids.....as always with kids there is lots they need......what would you do?? Am I being unreasonable?

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Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 12:04

I would love to take the kids on holiday, we haven't been away as a family, and we haven't been on hol for 4/5 yrs

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 12:14

Think you need to bring this out in the open if he has only ordered the helicoptors he has the opportunity to cancel and redeem himself by doing the right thing... FIXING HIS OWN CAR!! (hopefully you would still be in time with distance selling regulations)

If he does not agree you need a SERIUOS chat about the state of your/ marriage future together if he is putting helicoptors before his family and safety.

Oh and definitely don't cover up for him no matter what..... as others have said it is a long up hill struggle, It much easier for you when dealing with things, if people already know what an arse he his!!

Seriously you need to stand your ground on this. You're considering going into debt (with your dad) on his behalf whilst he's pissing money away!

LEMAGAIN · 26/03/2009 12:19

drlove, my post was directed only at the post that said that 50% was by rights the wife's. Had no bearing on the rest of this thread, which i hadn't really read tbh. I totally agree with your other post. I just read your post as a bit of a jovial one and responded in the same vein - i hope.

But i do not actually believe in the whole 50% dibs on everything. Whilst i agree that the OPs dh is actually being an arse about the money and he should either be using it to sort the car or take his family on holiday, it is his money and he can spend it how he chooses. That is quite a different issue. There absolutely should be equal share in everthing within a marriage/partnership, but i think this stops with gifts and inheritence. If my mum gives me money for xmas/birthdays etc i don't expect to have to share it with DP and vice verse.

Merrylegs · 26/03/2009 12:19

pud - bit worried about the car thing. If it has no tax, this would invalidate any insurance he has.

Can you not say to him "now we might have a bit of money, I've booked your car in for an MOT" and then see if he comes clean to you about the £900 he has been thinking about spending?

Could you not report his untaxed car anonymously to the police - will force his hand to sort it out (if they don't crush it first!)? (Tell your dad to report it perhaps?)

Am a bit surprised the DVLA hasn't been chasing him about the tax tbh?

clam · 26/03/2009 12:20

My MIL died not long ago and left us her estate. DH has always initiated any discussions about what we should do with the proceeds as "we" and "what do you think?" etc... And if I ever said, "well, it's up to you, really. It's your money." he was adamant that it was ours.
But then, I've never understood the threads on here where people talk about "his" money and "my" money, and splitting bills according to income etc.. Surely that's for flatmates, not couples?

Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 12:21

we're in debt to my db for £380, which he hasn't asked for in nearly a year, my dad has given us £400 over the last couple of months to cover bills etc....and he gave us every penny out of his wallet 3 weeks ago £34 when we had no money to buy any food for the week. my dh hasn't suggested once we give some of this back......what a sorry state of affairs i'm in

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Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 12:23

clam - your dh sounds lovely.......I feel like I have no control over anything as I don't earn anything, perhaps this will change when I go back to work.

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DandyLioness · 26/03/2009 12:26

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edam · 26/03/2009 12:26

your not-so-very d h is an irresponsible, childish, dangerous tosser but you know that already.

I'd cancel the orders for him. You say you have a joint account? If the money comes into it, I'd take it out, and pay your dad and brother back what they are owed and get the car to a garage PDQ. He can spend anything that's left over.

clam · 26/03/2009 12:28

Thank you . He does have his faults, but has always been generous and sharing - and basically kind and thoughtful. You can forgive them a lot if those basic attributes are there.

DandyLioness · 26/03/2009 12:30

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Madmentalbint · 26/03/2009 12:32

He has got his priorities all wrong. He should be paying back what he owes first of all....and then you should decide together what to spend the rest on.

He sounds spoilt. I hope you get something sorted.

themoon66 · 26/03/2009 12:36

Is this the DH that spends his weekends out, away from you and the DC, flying his helicopers?? So his hobby is using both the family money and the family time. So on your behalf!

Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 12:50

yes themoon66.......the very same h, will drop the d for a bit!

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Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 12:53

we're supposed to be doing an easter egg hunt with ds on Sun, I thought it was in the morning, h said that was ok as the clocks change and he can have an extra hour in the eve, when I looked last night and saw it was the afternoon he was very pissed off that it was going to ruin his day so nothing has changed themoon66!

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BalloonSlayer · 26/03/2009 12:54

I do agree that he should be settling his debts but I do want to add a line to say that it would be nice if he had a thing that he could buy with his Mum's money, so he can say "aahh, Mum bought me that."

My Dad died last year and left us all a nice amount. We are all being careful not to just let it get soaked up by the overdraft. I needed a new car anyway and got a nicer one than I would have been able to afford, and I can look at it and say, thanks Dad.

Perhaps he could keep some of the money to spend on a helicopter?

Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 12:59

oh no don't get me wrong I do think he should have a helicopter if thats what he wants, but I am pissed off that he has to buy two, use up all of the money when he already owns 5 helicopters. just seems a little unfair to us, not once has he suggested I have anything, or more importantly the kids. ds is so in need of a new mattress which we just couldn't afford atm.

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LoveMyGirls · 26/03/2009 13:01

I would move without him. Simple as that.

You would think with his mother dying so suddenly and so young he would think life is too short to spend messing about with boys toys and that actually his time and money could be better spent with his family, if it didn't make him think that and he couldn't be reasoned with I'd tell him to take his money and find a flat on his own. end of.

So for you!

LoveMyGirls · 26/03/2009 13:03

Go and buy your ds a mattress, just do it, go and get the tyres done and pay your family back, then there won't be the money left to spend on stuff he doesnt need.

LoveMyGirls · 26/03/2009 13:04

Waht would he do about it if you spent the money first? Sulk, have a tantrum? Are you married to a child, no so just do it at least then you know the money has been well spent.

BalloonSlayer · 26/03/2009 13:05

What about he buys a shiny new helicopter with some of his mum's money but sells one of the older ones to pay the debts?

Would he go for that?

LoveMyGirls · 26/03/2009 13:06

If he didn't already own 5 helicoptors maybe you wouldn't have had to borrow money, maybe you would have replaced his tyres already, maybe your ds would have had a new mattress, it boils down to your H being selfish and not putting his family first which is the reason why if I was his wife I would be divorcing him.

I'm all for men and women enjoying themselves, having some money and time to themselves but not £1500 at once all to himself while his family go without.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 13:07

puddingchef- I think NOW is the time for you to wrestle take control of the family finances, you have over £800 pounds worth of debt to your family alone. He needs to come back down to earth and join the rest of us in the real world. By all means £50 towards something from his mum to remember her by but he's not in apostion where he can afford anymore than that!!!

Original poster
thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:07

sell a helicopter!
that would be his reaction!

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earlgreytea · 26/03/2009 13:10

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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