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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being pissed off at dh that he........

155 replies

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 10:42

has decided to use his entire inheritance on his hobby??
I really don't know whether I am being a cow or not. The short story is....we're not very affluent, but get by.....we are moving in a few weeks nearer my parents so that I can go back to work part-time. His mother passed away in dec, anyway after much speculation the ammount he was going to get from his mothers estate is only going to be in the region of £1500. We don't have this money yet, but he has already put a deposit on an item for his hobby....which will cost £800 in total, and I saw an email this morning with him discussing buying another item for his hobby, £900 ono. I haven't confronted him about it as I just don't know whether I have the right to feel pissed off as it is his mothers money....equally it would have been nice to buy something for the kids.....as always with kids there is lots they need......what would you do?? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

macdoodle · 26/03/2009 13:49

Wow so you owe your family money which you had to borrow to pay bills and buy food Your DS needs a new mattress Your H drives an untaxed dangerous car and you havent had a family holiday for at least 4 years
And he is spending an entire inheritance of £1500 on toys purely for his pleasure without even discussing it with you first!
Am gobsmacked reall

GColdtimer · 26/03/2009 13:50

Just read a bit more of the thread, puddingchef, I feel so on your behalf.

You need to have a long hard chat with him about his attitude to you and his family. He seriously needs to grow up and take some responsibity.

You are strong enough to do it. I don't normally get riled by things on MN, but i really want to give your DH a bloody great talking to.

clam · 26/03/2009 13:51

{shock] at sorting out the car issue once you're back at work! So, he's implying that the financial responsibility for fixing his dangerous car lies with you! Whilst he wastes spends £1500 on duplicating expensive toys for himself.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 13:51

This is sounding more and more ridiculous.

-Things are so tight that you have to borrow money from your father and brother.

-Despite this, you allow him to spend £140 quid rebuilding his crashed helicopter.

-He is currently driving a car which at any moment could kill someone, perhaps a little boy just like your own.

-He spends money on petrol for a fucking toy whilst you have to borrow money to eat.

FFS, unless you enjoy being a martyr, why the hell are you still there?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 13:52

puddingchef- I'm sorry to keep going on but you relly do need some control of your families finances.

If he speant another £140 plus fuel whilst owing as much as he does....

What happens if your family refuse to bail you out again (bearing in mind that you haven't repaid what you already owe??)

You need to be strong for the sake of your children, set a budget as to what he can reasonably afford on his hobby (even if only £50 a month you may see a little more of him)

If he won't sit down an draw up a budget with you, moneysaving expert has a really easily downloadable one that you can use.

I may be barking up the wrong tree here but you sound like you do not really have any control with the money side of things, and that you have a lot more common sense than him with regard to finance.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 26/03/2009 13:53

I am seriously appalled and for you. We're now on page 5, and I don't think anyone has defended your H. Yes - spend something on a token memory of MIL - but all of that £1500 when he can't afford it on selfish toys. He needs a kick up the bum. Can you show him this thread?

fymmumoftwo · 26/03/2009 13:55

I am absolutely shocked that you and he have borrowed money from family that you aren't paying back immediately. I would take a second job rather than be in debt

mind you it goes and in and with your DH's untaxed car...it's irresponsible.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:56

I don't allow him to spend the money....he has a modelling fund which he keeps seperate....I don't have the first clue as to how much is there could be £10 or £200, and he doesn't tell me, and if I asked he lie. And yes I should leave, but I am terrified of life on my own with two young dc, dd is only 8months.

OP posts:

fymmumoftwo · 26/03/2009 13:56

mind you it goes hand in hand with your DH's untaxed car...it's irresponsible.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 14:06

You don't have to leave but you do need to change your circumstances...

You should not be struggling to feed the family, whilst he is wasting money. The worry alone will not be helping you deal with your dc's.

Find out how much he earns (if you don't already know) and go from there.

Present him with a fait accompli, a well worked out family budget where you both know whats coming in and going out (including a start at paying you family back, even a standing order for £10 per month would show willing) without any secrets.

Strawbezza · 26/03/2009 14:06

He has a modelling fund? Why is he allowed to keep money for his hobby while he's already earmarked your future earnings for his new car?

He needs to wake up and smell the coffee sharpish. Paying his debts, getting his car legal and looking after his family come way above hobbies in terms of financial priorities.

bronze · 26/03/2009 14:08

chef I have suffered similar with dh (still have my doubts to be honest)

If you want someone to chat to my spare email is [email protected]

Its an old email but I've just checked and its still working

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 14:17

thanks bronze your very kind.

OP posts:

bronze · 26/03/2009 14:22

your post has done me a favour. Its made me determined to get to the bottom of something

solidgoldbrass · 26/03/2009 14:28

IS the money going to be paid into your joint account? If so, pay the bills/debts/car with it without consulting him. Then get legal advice on separation, then make plans to leave him. Men who are this selfish do not change, partly because there are, sadly, plenty of women dumb and desperate enough to indulge them, so when one woman wakes up enough to kick out an immature parasite, he simply moves on to another one.

LaundryFairy · 26/03/2009 14:32

Even if you take into considderation the argument that it is his inheritance, I still think that YANBU given your financial situation.

Presumably, your parents are going to be helping with childcare for free to make it possible for you to go back to work, and that contribution from your parents will benefit your whole family.

So logically, anything left from your DH's mother should benefit the whole family. I think you are being far too forgiving of his selfishness, and need to find a way to get him to put his family first.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 14:37

I agree SGB!
How do you get yourself into such a pathetic situation?

I cannot believe he would have been any less selfish before you got married. So why marry someone like this?
Before you got married and gave up your career, did you not discuss how best to financially plan dropping one wage but feeding three?

I am always amazed that women get themselves into these situations. At what point do you change from being a confident independent individual into a weak, nervous subserviant doormat?

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 14:43

the day I had my ds...or perhaps the day we went bankrupt....or maybe the day we lost our home......or perhaps everyday being told that everything that shit in our lives is down to me...when clearly it's not.......
I think turning this onto a bitchfest on me for being pathetic means that this thread has run it's course. I got the advice I needed...so thanks.

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 26/03/2009 14:47

myredcardigan, I know what you are saying but I think you are being too harsh on the OP.

There is no point asking her how she got here. She is here and I hope this thread will make her realise she is in control and can change things.

Yes, her DH is a selfish wanker. Yes, she needs to take control. Yes, she needs to regain her confidence. But berating her like this is probably not going to help.

Puddingchef, there are loads of ways you can get the control back. Please keep talkint to people on here.

cushioncover · 26/03/2009 14:51

Well perhaps if the wife of the selfish wanker whose shit heap of a car killed my innocent mother last year had done something, my kids would still have their Grandmother.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 14:53

That was me BTW, had changed my name to ask about something local on another thread.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 14:54

puddingchef- I hope I didn't come across as blamming you, I was never my intention, far from it.

Lulumama · 26/03/2009 14:55

YANBU for all the reasons stated

the car issue is serious and illegal

i would not let my children ride in a car like that

if he cannot see that you cannot afford to eat or run a car and look after yourselves, and is happy to spend £1800 on toys... when he does not even have the money yet.. is horrific

i would be packing him a bag , he can go and enjoy his helicopters with some other mug!!

the fact he is breaking the law with no second thoughts is not acceptable/

what if the money he gets does not cover his spending?

bronze · 26/03/2009 14:56

pudding hope you're ok

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 14:56

Oh and I didn't say you were pathetic,I said your situation was.

Please reread your last post. Surely it must make you see you have to get out?

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